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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

MTOHS - Chapter 4.2

by SpiritedWolfe


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Word Count: 1609

Once we settled, I remembered why I came in the first place. “So, do you two know when we’ll be deployed?”

Grey responded with a noncommittal, “You’ll hear about it when it’s time. Can’t say much more than that.”

“Oh, come on, Grey,” I whined, exaggerating my words. “Can’t you just tell me?”

She seemed a little uncomfortable at the comment, and Blaine even flashed another quick look at her. She didn’t budge, however, saying, “Look, Hunter, you’ll get the order the same way you always do, which is when it’s time to strike. The rest of details are up to us.” She motioned to Blaine and towards the tiny hall in the back of the room, where Cobalt supposedly was. I couldn’t help but feel a little irritated at the subtle reminder of the power dynamic, considering we’d been working together for so long.

Her tone shifted just as rapidly back when she added, “You could always take me on after I’m finished with Blaine! I’m on a winning streak.” Something told me I shouldn’t press the matter, as I didn’t want to spoil her mood even further as she clearly didn’t want to talk about official matters right now. I just sat silently between them.

Blaine picked up a pawn and pushed aside one of Grey’s knight before tentatively picking it up. At that, Grey moved a rook to the edge of the board and cried out, “Checkmate!”

There was a pause. “That wasn’t there.”

She laughed in response, “What do you mean? You were watching it the whole time.”

“That definitely wasn’t there,” he insisted as a mix of shock and confusion fell over his face.

“I’m not a cheater,” she said and began moving the pieces back to their correct places. “How many times do I have to tell you?”

As the validity of their game once again fell into discussion, I decided to take my chance to slip out of the room. Grey noticed, seeming a bit disappointed to see me go, but she didn’t say anything as Blaine continued to recount their match.

I pulled the hood over my head and put my mask back in its place. After a second or two of darkness, I was welcomed back into the familiar feeling of the world around me, letting my senses drown out any useless emotions I may have been feeling. A sense of numbness settled over me as I decided to spend the next bit waiting for orders by training on my own. That’s what would be expected of me as a Captain.

It only took me a few minutes for me to reach the enormous training area where the Officers and Grunts usually spent their time. There were hundreds of open spaces enclosed in small arena looking structures, but every single one of them was empty right now. This told me that the Grunts were dormant in their quarters then, maybe easing up on their training in the days before we’d need them. Fortunately, I didn’t have to know. I hadn’t been supervising the lower ranks for a long time, since that was usually left to the younger, inexperienced Captains.

That just left me completely alone in this dark chasm of a training ground, waiting for orders of my own. An intense feeling of anger built up in my chest as I pulled my knife from its sheath in my belt. I stalked over to one of the closest training mats, and then used my influence to image a training dummy in front of me.

A rush of adrenaline pulsed through me as I struck my knife into the fabric as hard as I could muster and slashed. Beads rushed out of it with a roar when I pulled my blade out, but the stitches mended back together, leaving it unscathed. Leaning into the aggression surging through me, I stabbed and slashed and tore at the dummy as fast as I could, challenging myself to make two consecutive slashes show up on it before the first could heal.

“You’re really showing it to that dummy.” I readjusted my grip on my knife and spun around, my automatic response to fight. Once I caught myself, I stood straight up and noted that the person who had approached me was none other than Raine. The dummy vanished from behind me.

“What’re you doing here?” I asked her, flashing her a smile underneath my mask.

“Same as you, probably,” she said, lifting her hands above her head to stretch her shoulders. “The raid can’t seem to come fast enough, so I’m bored and itching for a fight.” She had a relatively simple Captain’s mask with brown eyes that gleamed in the low lights, accompanied by a small splash of green that started on her forehead and dripped down her nose.

“Is that a challenge?” I took a few steps back to invite her onto my mat.

She walked on without hesitation and replied, “I guess so! Two weapons? Same rules as always?”

I nodded and said, “First to land a normally fatal blow is the winner, and excessive influence isn’t allowed before that.” I traded my knife to my left hand and summoned an 8-inch curved dagger to my dominant hand. She followed suit by taking out a short sword and a wide defensive dagger.

“Ready!” she called out, hunkering down in a mock defensive pose. There was an excited and confident air around her as she watched me walk the last few paces to the edge of the mat.

“Just don’t be upset when I beat you again,” I said and took a deep breath.

She crossed the ten feet separating us in a flash and thrust the short sword towards me. I caught it with the curve of the dagger and redirected the blow away from me before stepping to the side. I followed by slashing my knife at her side, but she used her previous momentum to move away, turn, and then face me again.

The next blow was a wide side slash towards my left side, which I again parried. The clash of metal on metal screeched through the room in a satisfying symphony, and I took a step forward to guide her sword into the ground. She stabbed with the dagger towards my stomach, which I caught with my arm. That drew first blood as it sliced through my shirt and into my forearm.

I didn’t really notice any pain as I pulled out of the parry and quickly stabbed back. By the time she reacted to my attack, the skin that had been cut open was already mending itself. Then, I took to the offensive and threw blow after blow, making her take a couple of steps back to properly catch my blade so it wouldn’t slide into her.

We exchanged a few more blows before I managed to get a good slice on her right upper shoulder. She let out a loud grunt and relaxed her grip on her short sword. I took the opportunity to follow up with a heavy hit on her right side, which she blocked with the sword. As anticipated, her grip couldn’t hold on to it as more blood dripped down her arm and the weapon tumbled from her grip.

She knelt down to grab it, while shielding her head with the dagger. Before her hand could find it, I kicked the weapon off the mat and out of her reach. Her thoughts scrambled as she tried to recover so she pushed off the ground and tried to tackle me. The move was easily telegraphed, so I decided to end it by pushing my knife into her stomach as she barreled towards me.

Pain surged through her and overran her thoughts as she fell to her knees. I then pulled the weapon out of her and grabbed her shoulder to steady her. Then, I used my influence to stop more blood from pouring from the wound, as well as slipping into her mind to dull the panic setting in. After a second or two, she managed to close the wound on her own and then fell onto her back in relief. Her chest heaved as she took in large breaths of air.

She looked up at me with a mix of hurt, anguish and anger before she said, “I guess you won. Again.”

“You started off really well,” I offered as I sat down beside her. “And you even healed your own wounds this time.”

She let out a loud groan. “I still don’t get how you can fight me off so easily, even when I do land a blow.”

I chuckled as I put my hand on her shoulder, noticing she had mended that wound too. “I’ve just had a lot more practice with influence than you. That’s something that Grey used to pull on me all the time before I learned how to do it. You’ll get there.” Compared to the other times we fought, not only had she managed to out speed me a few times, she even cut me fairly deep.

For a second, the only sound in the entire place was the sound of both of our heaving breaths. Eventually, I offered Raine a hand to help her up, which she accepted. In the wake of her defeat, she didn’t seem discouraged, in fact most of her thoughts were even more determined to work hard to earn that eventual victory over me. She walked away to go collect her weapon, and I pulled away from her thoughts.

“We’ve still got plenty of time to kill,” I said. “Ready for another?”


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Tue Jul 13, 2021 3:12 am
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mordax wrote a review...



Hey again! Let's skip all introductions and whatnot because we just covered that last chapter, lol. So, here we go!

Grey noticed, seeming a bit disappointed to see me go, but she didn’t say anything as Blaine continued to recount their match.

I know we have both mentioned this in both my work and yours, lol, but I thought to bring it up here because this was a perfect place. ...the fated show don't tell... In all honesty, this is the first time I've thought to comment that within these last two additions. With this part, I think it would characterize Grey and even Hunter more if instead of stating that she was disappointed, showing how she displays it. If she calls out for him to say, that would show her character in an entirely different light than if she simply followed his exit with her eyes, turning away just before he left.

letting my senses drown out any useless emotions I may have been feeling.

Oooh... One thing I find very interesting and impressive is how you show this distinction in Hunter's character with and without his mask on. In all honesty, the change is kind of drastic. He seems way more at ease, humorous, and bubbly even without his mask on, but with it, he's this hardened soldier who takes joy in nothing but his work. It's a great way to show the strength of this brainwashing without outright saying it.

I don't have any specific things to say for the rest of this addition. In fact, all I have are compliments. This following fight scene is really well done. I always struggle with action scenes and I'm envious of your talent with them. The pacing was good as was the descriptions with each move. I could visualize it perfectly as though a movie was playing out. I've noticed sometimes in books, fight scenes draw out too long and I have to skip ahead to get past all the little moves described, but yours were so well written and immersed me into their situation that I had no desire to skip past any of it and rather felt as though I was right alongside the fight. Wonderful job! I think it's also interesting to see a bit more of Raine, given we saw her in Hunter's thoughts last addition and it's interesting to see her now, apart from him. I'm intrigued to see her role in all of this, given she had such a hard spirit to break. It seems it was eventually broken if she is a part of Splinter, but can she bounce back? I hope so!

Anyway, wonderful additions!! I can't wait to read more!

Mordax






If she calls out for him to say, that would show her character in an entirely different light than if she simply followed his exit with her eyes, turning away just before he left.


This is a really good suggestion, and I'll definitely keep it in mind as I revise ^^ Thanks so much for the review!! I'm really glad you pointed out the distinction between Hunter with and without mask :3 It's something I'd want to be super obvious, and if you remember, in the first chapter Hunter had his mask on the entire time! Which kind of explains his weird distance to everything the whole chapter.



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Mon Jul 05, 2021 4:24 pm
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FireEyes wrote a review...



Hey Wolfe! I think this part of the chapter answered a question I had in the last review. Time to review, shall I?

I'm glad I read this part fairly shortly after my other review because I now know that husks can become more life-like. Raine is a great example of this and I'm glad you included her. It's eerie and dark, and I think for this story it works. It's really dark when you really think about it. Their last working memory is the number someone puts in their head and then they have to conform to Splinter's ways. But then they become like "normal" people but that's not who they were in a previous life, their personality is shaped by the workers around them to an extent. It really makes me think.

But with the part in of itself I think it shows off what influence can do in high-intensity situations. While Raine and Hunter are fighting, I learned that with the use of influence you can heal yours and other's wounds. Something I also found interesting was the Hunter could still read Raine's thoughts even though she is an influence user. I know Hunter is more skilled in this aspect, but I would think that Raine would be able to feel him reading her thoughts or something. In the first chapter, Grey could telepathically talk with Hunter but could she, a stronger influence user, read his thoughts without him knowing? If this is something you'd like to go with, keep in mid power dynamics. If a weaker influence user is being read, they don't know. If a stronger influence user is being read, they would know, but only if it's from someone weaker than then and so on. It might get confusing for you. You don't have to if you don't think it will add to the story.

One last thing I have is a question. Why was Hunter angry? Was it because Grey wouldn't tell him when they'd be deployed? Or was it because of the power dynamic between him and Grey even though they'd been working together for a long time? Or maybe some unseen hatred for Blaine? It was just a little hard for me to pick up ;).

Well that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of this useful. I think your idea is blossoming into a great story with some world building. Have a nice day! Anyway byeeeeeeeeeeee<3






Thanks for the review! ^^

Their last working memory is the number someone puts in their head and then they have to conform to Splinter's ways.


I hope to make this come back/be more important in coming parts, to always come back to the idea that people who are in Splinter, no matter how %u201Cnormal%u201D seeming they may be, have all still gone through this. Also, Raine will be more important as the novel goes on, so glad you liked her intro ^^ As for the anger part while he was training, I realize now that it wasn%u2019t super clear! It was less that he was angry about something that had happened and more that he was just feeling aggressive, that he was wanting to fight and be violent, which is actually a result of the mask doing some magic stuff ;) I%u2019ll try to make it more clear/more frequent in later chapters! Thanks again ^^



FireEyes says...


Yeah no problem!



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Sat Jul 03, 2021 4:22 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Wolfe,

Mailice back with another review! :D

This part of the chapter was quieter than the previous one, but still not boring. I got the impression that a lot is happening between the lines and that there is a certain agitation in Hunter that he is trying to work down with distraction.

The scene between Raine and Hunter was extremely well written. I liked this dynamic point of view from Hunter. It felt like you were perceiving everything in slow motion and experiencing it with Hunter himself. The outcome turned out well too and I like how Hunter plays down his victory and compliments Raine himself. It shows me that he has eagerness but is also mindful of indirectly helping others and asking them to fight to better themselves. I like how they sit there at the end and say nothing, and think that would have been the real moment to talk to each other but I don't think Hunter is that kind of person.

More of a general comment, but I would add even if it's in the same chapter which POV is it being told from. There's also at one point where there's a paragraph between two larger blank lines where I think it's just a formatting error.

I also like how in the beginning Grey and Hunter are talking to each other and that gives the reader this question of what else is behind their words. (Also I like how the whole scene plays out near the end of a chess game). :D

Other points that stood out to me while reading:

"Look, Hunter, you'll get the order the same way you always do, which is when it's time to strike. The rest of details are up to us."

I have such a bad feeling here that Hunter will be excluded or something will happen that he won't like.

Grey noticed, seeming a bit disappointed to see me go, but she didn't say anything as Blaine continued to recount their match.

I like these little details you put in, how Hunter not only perceives the environment, but also the people around him. Also other details, like later when Raine comes to him and she stretches. It gives the story a liveliness and also gives the characters more personality.

That just left me completely alone in this dark chasm of a training ground, waiting for orders of my own.

It is a split interpretation that this sentence has. On the one hand, it could mean not wanting to train, or doing too strenuous a training that is above the requirements of general training.
I actually like this scene because it gives me a bit of a sense that Hunter wants to think and be a bit in reflection. Or maybe he wants to block it out with training. I feel like this chapter shows a lot of things by only showing what you can see directly with your eyes and not what's going on inside. I think this approach is well done as it opens up the reader to think for themselves what Hunter is thinking.

Compared to the other times we fought, not only had she managed to out speed me a few times, she even cut me fairly deep.

I think the "out speed" here needs to be written together.

"We've still got plenty of time to kill," I said. "Ready for another?"

I like how the end of the part opens up, giving a sort of "to be continued" feeling as well.

Your writing style is still well under control. I like how the sections alternate and yet belong together and a good portion comes out of that. Especially when the scenes go on (like longer fights) you split them up. This also always gives the reader a breathing space for the continuation.

Looking at the whole chapter, I like the way the build-up plays down from one extreme to the next. And now it makes me wonder a bit if what Hunter did to the man in the last part, he did with all his will and awareness or if he got in his own way.

In summary, it was a great chapter. You have vivid characters and a good environment. I also feel that you do a great job of transitions, showing the reader a better environment.

Have fun writing!

Mailice






Thank you so much for the review! I really appreciate your analysis of the chapters, since it gives me some perspectives I hadn%u2019t thought about before! :) and I%u2019m happy that the fight scene was clear and easy to read, especially with all the moving parts of it. Thanks again!




This is a house of homes, a sacred place, by human passion made divinely sweet.
— Alfred Joyce Kilmer