z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter Seven

by Soulkana


It has been almost five years since she learned the truth. The horrifying deeds her previous King had brought upon not only herself, but upon the children whom she did not know she had. Even now, she spent every free minute of her free time looking, hunting for the children she knew where locked here, on her homeland, Timeless Province. Somewhere, in this cold, frozen land were two of her babies. Twins, born so very early than usual. So tiny yet perfect in every way and just like she vowed to herself and her parents, she would find them. It did not matter how long it took her.

She had left early in the week to continue her travels. She was reaching the souther pole of the Realm, the chill getting more dangerous the closer she got. However, she could still feel deep inside the pull towards the direction. The subtle, yet compelling pull of two small traces of family magick, leading her onward to her precious twins. She could not travel to the other Realms but she would eventually find the rest of her stolen children and bring them back home. Even though she had the direction right, she could not feel their aura. And it was then that she realized there had to be something hiding them. Mostly likely a powerful rune surrounding them.

Cursing softly, she paused in her trek. It would take time to break such a spell. Time that she loathed to take. Her children needed her and the thought of failing them in any way was absolutely crushing. Worrying her lower lip between her teeth, Tampeesa furrowed her brow in thought. She would not take the chance of mistaking even a part of this spell, that was now visible as she looked upon the air with her magick active.

Spirals of runes covered the sky over the southern most point of the Realm. It glittered against her senses and felt strongly of that man’s magick. She studied the runes once more with a deeper scowl and a frustrated groan escaped as she realized the barrier was in several layer. Already, she could feel the presence of a barrier binding their magick to be unable to do more than keep them alive. Another, prevented time from passing the same which would be the most difficult to break. He must have used part of her magick to cast such huge barriers so strongly to last for so long.

Pulling out the sketch pad and notebook from her bag, she hurriedly began to draw the barriers as well as writing down the runes inside so she could begin to study to break the shields preventing her children from escaping. As she continued delving into the magick, she found an odd barrier she couldn’t decipher the purpose of. Carefully, she inscribed all the barriers and runes as she could for the day and packed up her things. Just as she turned to head back home, she whispered to the barriers with regret floating on the winds, “It will take me time to break these but I promise I will free you. Please hang on.”

Eyes burning with determination, she twisted her magick and vanished in a spiral of magick. Landing in front of the palace gates, she passed her Uncle, Raynerus, with a faint smile before stalking with purpose towards the library. She barely heard the shout of her father, Malik, as he strode from his throne room.

“Father, how was the courts today?” She swiftly bowed before glancing up as he neared.

“The courts were as normal as for this time of year. Now, what has you striding with such force to the library, Tampeesa?” He asks, eyes narrowing as Tampeesa shifts to reach her bag.

Frowning, unsure of how to ask, she took a deep breath and spoke clearly, “Father, I have a favor to ask of you as your firstborn.” Never before had she ever requested something due to her position as his heir to the throne before now.

She watched as pale silver eyes narrowed, scrutinizing her closely before he nods sharply in order for her to continue her request.

“I need help studying and breaking the barriers around the southern pole. I found traces of the King of Escya’s magick surrounding it. I am confident that is where he hid my twins.” Tampeesa stated, eyes flashing with fierce protection.

“I will do everything in my power to ensure all of my grandchildren are returned to us, Tampeesa. You do not need to ask it of me for it shall always be given.” Malik stated as he then proceeded to lead both of them to the library, strides long and without hesitation.

Letting out a relieved sigh, she quickly fell in stride with her father. Heart at ease now that she knew for sure that she would not be working alone to free all of her children.


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177 Reviews


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Sun Sep 27, 2015 2:25 am
Chaser wrote a review...



Disclaimer: I have not read the previous chapters. With that said, this is pretty cool on its own.

The raw power of a mother protecting her children is something not often brought to light in writing, and it's certainly interesting to see that here. Tampeesa comes off as powerful without being rash, a combination that's quite refreshing.

The plot here is certainly interesting, and I'm only saying that from a small dosage of it here. So, props to you for making it so cool.

As for descriptive style, while it's slightly hampered by a few errors (which I'll get into later), it does a good job of keeping the scene visible without shoving anything in the reader's face. There might be a bit more visual imagery in order, but that's more of a personal stylistic preference.

Now, as for errors:

So tiny yet perfect in every way and just like she vowed to herself and her parents, she would find them.

It kind of runs on. Commas or splitting with periods would work; I suggest the former.

Eyes burning with determination, she twisted her magick and vanished in a spiral of magick.

The repetition of magick. I don't exactly know what could replace it, but I do know that it's a bit clunky to read.

Letting out a relieved sigh, she quickly fell in stride with her father. Heart at ease now that she knew for sure that she would not be working alone to free all of her children.

The second sentence isn't actually a full sentence; it's a phrase. Should that period be a comma?

That's really all that I could find inherently wrong here. So, all things considered, pretty solid.

Overall, this story allowed a powerful glimpse into the characters' attitudes, showcasing Tampeesa's patient determination and Malik's sympathetic loyalty. The plot seems to be driving forward as well. The descriptive style isn't the finest point of the story, but it still does its job exceptionally. A good read through and through. Cheers!


-Chaser




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Wed Sep 09, 2015 12:47 am
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Ah; so the plot thickens, yes? Well done, Soulkana; this is yet another impressive chapter! I'm fascinated by the nature of Tampeesa's quest, and shocked by the events that had transpired to this incredibly massive barrier stationed at the southern pole. Once more, your worldbuilding skills are exceptional. In particular, I like the wide variety of magicks that you display in this chapter. For instance, Tampeesa's children being encased within a barrier at the edge of the Realms, many scattered throughout other realms, and Tampeesa's ability to travel through space itself. Obviously, she is incredibly strong, and it's good to know that she has the support of her father and the ability to break the first of the barriers. Then she can finally be to be reunited with her children and overturn the horrible deeds of the last King. In all, nice job with your plot development, the conceptualization and implementation of this world, and the rising action in the story.

However, while I find the ideas and emotions in this story excellent, I would like to point out that you did have a continuous problem with tense throughout the story. At the beginning, you use "has been," which, in the context of the surrounding words, is in the wrong tense. It should be "had been." Beyond that, Tampeesa's discovering and slowly deciphering the barrier that separates her from her children had no such errors in tense, and this part of the story was exceptionally well-written and developed. However, you seemed to have this problem in tense once more, this time during the conversation between Tampeesa and her father, as the tense kept switching between past and present. Of course, it is in no way a significant problem - it only slightly interfered with the pace and flow of the story, and I had no problems reading the story from start to finish. This is just something to keep in mind.

Nonetheless, I'm impressed by the quality of your writing. Your plot is creative, exceptional, and well-written. I enjoy the many unique aspects in this world, such as the magick spells, the backstory behind the main character's and their lives, and the boundless possibilities that are presented before me. No doubt, there are many other Realms, each with their own secrets waiting to be discovered, and mysteries waiting to be solved. The setting of the story is clearly conveyed through excellent descriptions, and I enjoyed reading this story from start to finish. Better yet, I look forward to future chapters, and see how Tampeesa went from her current condition to blood-stained and weary. In all, well done! This story is amazing! :D





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