I woke this morning very early in the morn. I had a disturbing dream of a voice, soft and almost motherly, singing what I remember to be a lullaby in Escya to small children. I woke with the feeling of nostalgia and an ache in my heart that I couldn't describe. So upon waking, I explored the healing room as I was still alone, but undoubtedly watched somehow.
I found a small closet next to the bed, a few feet away. It had been stocked with my clothing that I had brought with me along with some thick fur-lined cloaks which I hastily put on and reveled in the warmth as the sun began to rise, bringing with it the strange, yet intriguing blue light and a chilling breeze that would surely grow to a frigid temperature as the day swings into full bloom.
Next, I found the bathroom which had a small sink and shower. It had been done in a soft lavender that matched the healing room that had been done in hints of light green and a purple a few shades darker. I close the door and turn to look around the healing room.
There was a small bookcase beside the bed which peeked my curiosity. Unable to resist a good book, I head over to browse the various subjects and found a small book on the history of the Realms Five and their creation. Despite having learned this lesson back on Escya, I wondered how the Province recorded the Great Separation and settled into the window seat.
Soon, I found myself realizing that while the two tales were similar there had been rather startling differences that I enjoyed reading. It spoke of the King Azrael, the kind, gentle king of the Realm Five, before it had been split amongst his sons, whom had been beloved by all of his people for his rule. However, it went into a rather strange accounting of a war between his sons and a small race of necromancers whom attempted to overthrow one of the five "realms" of the King.
It then continued on as the king, upon the coming of age of his sons, gave them a portion of his Realm to help oversee. How he gave the largest, but more warrior part of the land to his eldest, Firion, whom had the skills of a warrior and of the strength needed to guide the people into success. Keselth, his second, he gifted the son with the floating islands of solitude, for he was soft-hearted and often sought to bring peace to others through meditation and so he happily accepted the floating islands, where he spent much of his time teaching others to bring peace to themselves and others through his devotion.
The middle son, Adamus, was rather cold and preferred to spend his time among the people who preferred to argue and attempt to outwit each other. So his father, gifted him the portion of land in which there were many power struggles and hoped that he would be able to control them, to settle them from their constant fights and near wars. Meanwhile, his second youngest son, Aleron he gave the piece of the Realm devoted to hunting and farming, having known how his son always helped the farmers and the kitchens with the hunting and growing of the crops. And so, with the second youngest prince's help, the crops flourished.
And to his youngest, Lazarus, whom the King prized dearly in his heart, he gave to the Realm that desperately needed his child's kind heart and somewhat paranoid way. He gave to him the Realm fraught with ice and snow, with the hope the son could help the people there to survive.
The story continues, I notice with a slight frown. It spoke of how Lazarus, during his travels, befriended a vampire named, Caedmon, and later helped him save a coven of his clan during a fight between the vampires and the merefolk whom lived nearby. And so, in gratitude, the eldest vampire among the Realms, blessed the youngest son. However, it went on to tell of how Lazarus went further into the frozen realm and saved a large ice dragon and her nest when poachers attempted to steal them and so the youngest became twice blessed.
I notice the food laying down on a small table beside the bed and I puzzled over how focused I must have been to not notice the healer entering and leaving with the food. Ravenous, though I was, I allow my paranoia and tension to the back of my mind and try what looked like a small fruit and found it deliciously sweet as I secretly preferred to than the tough meat and breads of the Escya people.
Eating on, I continue the book as it tells of how a young necromancer whom survived the previous war, grew to dangerous powers and became known as Reiga, the Winter Nightmare. He eventually grew so powerful, none could defeat him and so the Five Realms burned and slowly began to unravel time and fate.
However, the king's three daughters, Nova, Rore, and Liza, scarified their lives, blood and magic and with their power, rewrote the time and fate. Rebuilding the Realms, they were able to stop the destruction however, fate did not go exactly as it did before. There had been changes. The kind king, had no daughters, and the eldest son slain his father in attempt to gain the throne. Instead, he named his realm, Escya, and the four brothers took a Realm to themselves to protect the remaining citizens from the power hungry eldest whom desired control over all five. And so it became known as the Great Separation.
I lay down to rest as the information swirled in my head. How the Province had a version of the old story that had answered all the questions I had over the one in Escya confused me and made my head ache even fierce than it has since awakening. With a sigh, I turn away from the window and decide it best to rest before writing some more.
End of chapter
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Hello, Megrim here for Review Day! Your description says this is chapter two, but all I see is a prologue. Is chapter 1 somewhere?
Personally, this doesn't entice me. They say waking up isn't a very good place to start your story, and I think one reason is because rather than starting at the actual story part, we're starting the day alongside the character, with presumably some mundane stuff to get out of the way before anything happens. I'll also add that since I can't feel that nostalgia with her, it's lost on me, and since chapter 2 is so early, it's hard to feel we know a character enough to share their grief. I try to avoid going for a feeling of grief/loss/heartache in the reader until we're several chapters in, since I think it's almost impossible to be really effective with it.
Woah that's all one sentence--try reading it out loud! It's a good rule of thumb to keep sentences short enough that you can read them easily in a single breath.
That aside, there's some extra detail here that feels unnecessary and therefore bloats the narrative and slows the pace. I think by far our best tool for editing is to trim. So I'd take the axe to this and try and cut it down to the bare essentials needed for atmosphere and information. Eg, "It had been stocked with the clothing I'd brought along with some thick fur coats. I shrugged one on and reveled in the warmth as the blue sunrise began to bloom outside. The chilling breeze would only get worse as the day wore on." <- I broke it down into multiple sentences and tried to be more efficient with adjectives. Too many adjectives can end up diluting each other out. You have strange, intriguing, blue, chilling, and frigid, for example, and my focus ends up all over the place.
This is the kind of thing I had in mind when I mentioned there being some mundane stuff to do before we get anywhere. She's kind of floating around the room observing stuff, which isn't very interesting to the reader. There's no direction to the story right now, and no tension to keep us engaged. I don't care about the soft lavender and hints of light green and purple a few shades darker. That's fluff. I'm going to forget it instantly unless it has something to do with anything. What I care about are things like what's going on the MC's mind, what's going on around them, what's going to happen. I want things to worry about and be excited about and be surprised by. Every sentence we spend looking at the wallpaper is a sentence delaying the actual story. Is the colour scheme really important enough to warrant so much screen time?
piqued
I'll extend my comments about wanting some meat and bones to the story, to the rest of the chapter with the history lesson. A history book is a history book, and even though it's fictional history, it's just as dry. I ended up skimming most of it. When it comes down to it, the actual scene is her sitting there reading a book. It's basically a big infodump with names and factions that I feel I'm expected to memorise. That's not fun for me, so the result is I either skip it entirely, or forget it immediately. I really like the premise of being confronted with conflicting versions of the same story, but I think you could find livelier ways of conveying that. The mild internal tension she has just isn't enough to hold my interest.
Good luck and happy writing!
Hey Soulkana! Dracula, the earthbender (I mean... bloodbender) is here to review your writing.

I woke with the feeling of nostalgia and an ache in my heart that I couldn't describe.
This is why I love dreams, because of how they leave you feeling. This may seem like an irrelevant comment, but I'm already wanting to read on just because I can relate to this first paragraph. Make parts of your story relatable for the intended audience, and people will be more likely to keep reading.
It had been done in a soft lavender that matched the healing room that had been done in hints of light green and a purple a few shades darker.
Try to think of a better word for 'done'. Maybe painted or decorated?
...deliciously sweet as I secretly preferred to than the tough meat and breads of the Escya people.
Preferred it to...
I love the tale about the king's sons. It has a real 'Tale of the Three Brothers' vibe and flowed nicely to create a cool little story within the story.
This is a good chapter! Keep writing, and I look forward to learning more about Escya.