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Young Writers Society



Hero for Hire Chapter 8

by Sonder


A/N: I've been calling each installment a "chapter" but in reality, very few of these divides will exist when I get to revision. This is mostly due to LMS restrictions and trying to keep the chunks approachable for the YWS format. This section is... a mess. I think that the first part before the break would be the end of the last chapter, and the second part would be the beginningĀ of the next, but who. knows. Thanks for dealing with all these first draft issues, friends! I have no idea what I'm doing, but at least I'm still doing it.

Atlas made a choked sound in the back of his throat, his eyes flickering to the doorway, then back to Eli.

"You can't be here," he whispered, his voice barely audible over the humming of the medical machines. Eli crept over to his bedside and couldn't help the giddy grin that spread over his face.

"Obviously I can," he said, gesturing at himself, here. He leaned against the bedpost and fought to ignore the aching in his bones, in his skin. "I had to make sure you were alright."

Atlas rolled his eyes, hard. His bandaged hands pulled into fists on the bedsheet, but he remained as still as possible to avoid drawing the guards' attention.

"There are better ways to do that than breaking in, idiot. West will find out you've been here."

He glanced back to the door, where the shadows of the policemen stayed mercifully still. "They know everything. I'm screwed nine times over."

"I could break you out?" Eli suggested, then wanted to slap himself. He really wanted to break Atlas out of the hospital, mere days after he nearly died? That seemed like the opposite of helpful.

Atlas ignored him. "Get out, Eli. Leave while you can."

"I need to know what happened." Eli tried to keep the desperation from his voice. "I need to know who did that to you."

Atlas leveled a dark glare on him. "Who else, Eli? I tried to leave. I knew too much. The Program decided I needed to be taught a lesson."

Eli reeled, grabbing the side of the bed for balance. "What?"

Atlas watched him with a pitying look, as if he had known this moment was coming. His gaze was mismatched, one eye stained crimson. "Come on, Eli. You didn't really think that they'd just let you keep destroying property forever?"

"No, I--"

"They asked me to burn down an apartment complex, Eli." Atlas's voice dropped so low that Eli had to strain to hear. "I could never do that. I never signed up for that. So I told West, that I intended to quit. And then... Well. You know what happened then."

He took a shuddering breath. "I tried to tell you then. We can't leave. We know too much. We're a liabiltiy. And besides," He turned his gaze to the ceiling, blank-faced and deadened. "We're all addicted to the pills, anyway."

---

"Okay so, let me get this straight."

Seb leaned his chair back and fiddled with his necklace.

"You're part of this super secret villain organization, which sends you to do super secret villain things, and now you find out, oh my god! They've been keeping secrets from you, too." He raised an eyebrow. "Am I right?"

Eli sighd, the pill bottle clutched in his hand. "Yes."

"And this is surprising to you?"

"Yes," Eli said, resisting the urge to bash his head into a door.

"Okay. And you just found out that you have an addiction to those super secret, not-suspicious-at-all pills that Super Suspicious and Totally Evil guy West gave you. Every week. For the super secret villain organization."

Eli sniffed, then chucked the pill bottle at him. Seb dodged. The bottle clattered behind Seb's desk, the two white pills flashing in the sun.

"Yes. This isn't a joke, Seb."

Sebastian looked up. His face was dead serious. "I know. I'm just trying to assess the situation."

Eli slumped on the bed and fell onto his back, scrubbing his face with his hands.

"God. What am I going to do?"

Seb circled his bracelet around his wrist, over and over, biting his lip.

"I mean. You could try to quit the Program? Or at least, wean yourself off of the pills?"

Eli pulled a blanket up over his chest.

"All this happened to Atlas because he tried to leave. And if I try to lay low and go off the pills and stay in the Program, they'll know because, surprise, I'll suddenly be a superhuman without superpowers."

"Mm."

Eli rolled over and was pulling up the blanket when he heard the sound of Seb rocking his chair forward, landing the legs with a crack.

"Unless you don't need them."

"What?" Eli's voice was muffled under the blanket. His whole body hurt. The trip home had been brutal.

"I mean... hold on."

There was a clatter and a bang as Seb pulled out pencils and paper and his laptop.

"Just invisibility and teleportation, right? I mean, basically. Appearance-wise. That's doable."

Eli peeked out from the bed. "What are you talking about?"

Seb was hunched over his desk like a boney bird, scribbling. "It could work. I can ask my professor if he could provide me with some of the mechanics, and I'll need access to the lab, of course, but if all goes well--"

"Seb."

Sebastian didn't respond at first, dark hair falling over his eyes. "It'd have to be small enough to be portable and fairly unnoticeable. Maybe blend in with the suit? If we could get the invisibility aspect down first, you could fake it well enough, but to be fully convincing, we'd have to mimic the whole thing."

Eli tried to wrap his mind around where this conversation has gone. "You'd make me tech to fake it?"

Seb finally paused and glanced up, eyes shining. Eli only ever saw him look this vibrant, this alive, when he had a new project idea snag his attention.

"Dude, I'd be happy to. I get to help you, you break your addiction and keep your job. Everyone's happy, and the Program's never the wiser." He bent to the side, hand swiping under the desk. "We'll make you the best non-super supervillain there ever was."

He held up the bottle of pills.

"Stop taking these. I'll try to have it ready in a week, so keep up appearances best you can. Rift will be back up and running in no time."

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Sat Sep 01, 2018 11:02 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



Alright, jumping back in here after a week or so! Sorry for the delay.

Eli reeled, grabbing the side of the bed for balance. "What?"

So, this felt anticlimactic. I'm not quite sure why. Part of it is I think that I already know externally that the Program is evil, and it's pretty darn obvious the program is evil as well. It felt Atlas' bombshell was said really casually, and while maybe that makes sense because he's kind of resigned to it all, Eli's reaction felt a little phoned in. Maybe because with the casual tone of Atlas, I feel like a more natural reaction is a moment of confusion.

I also think the "burn down an apartment building" feels anticlimactic the way it's phrased. Like, I think about it and I realized "oh, that's super dangerous because people inside and that's awful and terrible" but (and maybe this is because apartment buildings burn down in superhero stories all the time) I didn't feel that it was awful for that reason until I specifically thought about it. I think if you just added "At night. When everyone was sleeping" or something like that, it would emphasize the right parts more.

"You're part of this super secret villain organization, which sends you to do super secret villain things, and now you find out, oh my god! They've been keeping secrets from you, too." He raised an eyebrow. "Am I right?"

Ohmygosh this was absolutely the best reaction ever. I now officially actually like Seb. I can just picture his 100% exasperated reaction. It's the best. Also I love how willing he is to help Eli right away.

On their cool plan to mimic the powers of the pills: You kind of almost lost me here, if I'm honest, because my immediate reaction to that plan was "what? they don't have the tech to do that." Then I realized that I guess it must be possible in this world because after all they have the pills that make them superheroes in the first place. I think that's one of the faulty assumptions I have because this is a "superhero" novel, and usually the superhero powers don't usually come from tech. But I still just don't quite feel it because if a college student can make technology mimicking superpowers like that all by himself, in under a week, why isn't that technology everywhere already?

I think this review was overly negative, so maybe I'm just taking a moment to get back into this after almost two weeks away. I'm still definitely interested to see what's next, and I really do love Seb and am worried about Atlas. He seems so devoid of hope... anyway, see you in the next!




Sonder says...


Thanks for this great review, Mea. <3 I agree, this needs a lot of work with fleshing everything out emotionally and whatnot. I told Carlito this, but I got to a point where I felt that if I didn't jumpstart the plot a little bit, I'd get tired and stop writing altogether. So... I really apologize if things start getting jumpy and disconnected. >.<

Thank you so much, again. I love any feedback, including negative, because it gives me hope for improving this later on, heh. <3 you rock!



Mea says...


Yay, I'm glad it was helpful! That totally makes sense about trying to jumpstart the plot. I look forward to it getting moving. :D



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Sun Aug 26, 2018 1:50 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Well look at this, I'm able to finally pull one of these chapters out of the green room! :D

I have no idea what I'm doing, but at least I'm still doing it.

BIG MOOD. And I'm glad you're still doing it because this is one of my favorite LMS stories (for real). And I think it's 100% fine that you're not doing real chapter breaks as you post and just posting chunks at a time. I've been writing an outline of each chunk as I go (to help me keep all these LMS novels straight :p) and I'd be happy to share that when the story is finished to help you figure out where the breaks will actually go :)

Ooooooh man. I'm so glad we have that conversation with Atlas. Oooooooh. man. I don't know what else to say :p I think the only thing that was missing for me after Atlas told him all that crucial information was more of Eli's processing of his feelings after. That's huge to find out and Eli is an excellent processor, so I want to see his processing of it :) What does he think? Does he believe it? What does this mean for him? What does he want to do about it? What does he think will happen to Atlas? To him?

He tells Sebastian. I think that's good because gosh he needs a friend and a confident right now and he already agreed to let Sebastian help. I think that conversation could be a little more fleshed out though. Was it hard to decide to tell Sebastian everything or is he not concerned because the cat is already out of the bag? What does he think of Sebastian's plan? More of Eli's thoughts and feelings overall! :)

Overall though, I'm still super intrigued and I really am on the edge of my seat excited to see what's going to happen next. And now I have to wait :( :( In the meantime, let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! Can't wait for the next chapter! :D




Sonder says...


And I'm glad you're still doing it because this is one of my favorite LMS stories (for real).


omg. <333 that. made my week? seriously. I get so down on this story sometimes because it's not exactly what I envisioned, but that's because it's a first draft and I'm still feeling it all out. But knowing that you like it is so! encouraging! thank you so much <3

I'd love anything you can give me, with advice on breaks and whatever! :)

I agree with you, this definitely needs more processing, but at that point in time I was like... if I don't move this plot along, I'm not going to write anymore at all. So, it may get a biiit more jerky where emotional comprehension is concerned. I'm sorry!

Thank you so, so much for your reviews. It means a lot to me. <3



Carlito says...


I don't know if traditional publishing is an aspiration of yours, but I can definitely envision agents jumping on this when it's ready (and believe me, I don't say that about everyone's story)!!

Once you're finished with this draft I'm probably going to send you a very long pm with lots and lots big picture/structural thoughts :)

And you're so welcome!! <3 <3



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Thu Aug 23, 2018 11:47 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay I KNOW I KEEP SAYING THIS but oh gosh Eli's powers just affect him so deeply which I both love and am very concerned by. Like on the one hand 10 points to Gryffindor for limiting his powers and giving them Problems that make it so he can't just magically do the things he needs to all the time...but on the other hand I am very concerned by how achey he is after almost failing to make it to Atlas' room right at the start of this chapter.

OMG YOU USED MY "OBVIOUSLY I CAN" I'M SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS

THAT SCENE BREAK THO. Like I know you're not sure about the scene breaks but honestly I love them in this chapter and this one is just so powerful.

I just. I love Seb's snark. Seb's snark is everything. I know he's like your Benjamin in that you're not quite sure of his character so far, but honestly? I can see the Dad Friend diving excitedly into engineering plans you didn't ask him for, because really that's precisely the kind of thing my dad and grandpa would do. I can keep an eye on him for you, but so far I don't feel like he's too, like, I don't know, variable? Like I don't feel like he's a problem so far.

the second scene: in which both seb and Eli are somehow simultaneously Kiernan

I still just. When Seb's like "maybe you don't need them" and all I can think of is that scene from Dumbo EVEN THOUGH I KNOW what's actually coming now //why am I like this// In other news: Seb, ily but I don't think this ends with "everyone's happy and the Program's never the wiser" like hate to burst your bubble but

I feel like this review went off the rails in terms of helpfulness but oh well. I love seeing Seb's engineering major put to use in the story (hey, do we know what Eli's majoring in? I don't remember) even though I imagine he won't be able to fool the Program for long, if at all. I feel like they're bound to notice right away that he has a small device on his uniform or something. Considering, like, West can already track him and stuff. Although I realize that's his watch, not his uniform. But still.




Sonder says...


hahaha ily <333 Your positivity helps me more than anything, seriously. Feel free to get rambly, I love it. :) And every little comment is something I hope to use in revision, because, as I have said many times before, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING



BluesClues says...


Okay GOOD bc let's face it, rambling happily onward has become my new review style oops




In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
— Robert Frost