z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Hero for Hire: Chapter 2

by Sonder


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

The chill autumn breeze sliced over Eli's skin, winding its way through the mesh-like material of his suit. He shivered and pressed closer to the building faces. The streets glowed with neon signs and streetlights, and it was eerily quiet for the downtown, with only the occasional car drifting past, headlights flashing. Eli felt utterly exposed as he limped along the side of the scarred sidewalks in his black-and-white supersuit, and he was grateful for the mask that obscured his features to the wandering eye.

His whole body ached from the various bruises Zenith had dealt him, in addition to those earned by personal efforts: running into couches, flawed dodges, and repeated intangibility stunts. The one shot she'd delivered to his shoulder blade was the worst. It would twinge with pain every time he moved his arms.

In the end, he'd never made it to the heating system, but he supposed that exploding the entire store would have been overkill, anyway. And given how Maplestone had dropped him mid-fight, he didn't feel particularly loyal to their cause anymore.

Maplestone Furniture was an absolute ass.

I bet that their furniture is low quality, outdated, and uncomfortable, he thought bitterly as he kicked some broken glass shards out of his path.

Given the amount of time it took them to dump him, leaving him to fend for himself against the well-funded Zenith, he could only imagine how their stinginess and sour attitudes were reflected in their products. He would never support that kind of company. Honestly, if you're going to trigger an auction war with an enemy business, you should at least be prepared to win.

He sneered at the ground, numbly observing the shadows that his boots cast on the shattered concrete. Whatever. This only happened all the time. Villains weren't known for their frequent victories, were they?

Police sirens sounded in the distance. Eli glanced over his shoulder, his heart jumping to his throat despite what logic told him. Five blocks away from the scene already, following the back roads, and moving fast, so there shouldn't be a problem, but if he were spotted... That would just be the cherry on the cake of a fine evening.

"Clothes," he muttered. Where the hell had he stored his backpack this time, again? Somewhere along Elm Avenue, he remembered abruptly, in an alley behind one of those not-so-great fushion restaurants.

A car rushed by, and Eli flinched, turning intangible just long enough to blend into the shadows as the vehicle passed. As he returned to his normal state of matter, he spotted the restaurant only a block away. A surge of relief washed over him. Time to clock out.

The alley beside the restaurant, which advertised "Extra Spicy Sushi Burritos" in a threatening red sign, was pitch black, damp, and smelled strongly of days-old sushi burritos. Eli wrinkled his nose and plunged inside. He felt the slimy brick wall besides the dumpster until his hand found a single backpack strap poking straight out from the red stone. Aha.

He made his bag intangible with a single thought, the aching pain that radiated up his arms serving as the ever-present reminder that his powers were far from natural. He yanked the bag from where it had been shoved directly into the wall with a satisfied exhale.

He'd gotten used to changing in gross back alleyways over the last year and a bit, and soon he was back into his worn jeans and pullover hoodie. He shoved his costume into the recesses of his bag, rougher than was strictly necessary. Rift was finally gone for tonight, thank god.

He finished the transformation by sticking his phone in his back pocket, gripping car keys in one hand, and slinging the backpack over his shoulder.

When Eli emerged back onto the street, he was back to his regular, unassuming, average college student self, complete with purple bags under his eyes and anxiety about his Anatomy test the next day.

Now he just needed to remember where he'd parked his car.

He clicked the lock button a few times, straining his ears for the cheerful "I'm over here, you idiot" double beep, but nothing happened. He cursed his awful memory under his breath and paused, running his hands through his already mussed black hair. He'd probably parked in that overnight garage that he usually used for downtown excursions, but he couldn't for the life of him remember what part of town he was in now.

He pulled out his phone and squinted at the blinking GPS app, biting his lip. Where--?

The screen went dark unexpectedly, then lit up with the phone call icon. Eli frowned at the name on the display.

Atlas Beckett was calling. Why would one of his roommates want him at this time of night? Maybe he'd left the windows open and cockroaches had infiltrated the beds again. He answered.

"What's up?"

No response at first. There was a hissing, scuffling sound in the background that he couldn't quite place, like something steaming on the stove.

Then a voice, so strangled and rough that Eli didn't recognize it as Atlas' at first.

"Eli?"

"Yeah? It's me, man," Eli said, his chest immediately constricting in concern. He leaned against a wall covered in obscene graffiti and gripped the phone in both hands, so as not to miss any of Atlas' words. His roommate didn't say anything else for a few more moments. Eli licked his lips, trying to calm the sudden anxiety in his stomach.

"You okay?"

"I need... I need help," Atlas said, his voice warped with pain. "Providence Street."

"Oh- okay. Okay! Just hold on, dude."

Eli held the phone out and pulled up the GPS app again, tapping in the name with frantic strokes. "I'm on my way, alright? Stay with me. I'll be right there."

He put Atlas on speaker phone and pushed off the wall, hurrying back the way he came, following the little blue arrow on his screen. Atlas' breathing was ragged, shuddering through the speakers of the phone like rusty hinges swinging shut. It sent shivers down Eli's spine.

He followed the instructions and turned right, his exhausted muscles protesting with each step. This area looked a bit better than where he'd just been, with apartment buildings stretching into the night sky, and a section of duplexes. A kid's blue bike leaned against a set of porch stairs.

"I'm going to die, Eli."

Atlas' voice cut through the night air like a blade. Eli shuddered, clutched the phone with white knuckles.

"Look, man, I'm on my way. Tell me what's wrong."

"I--"

The hissing sound again, and then a strangled cry of pain. Eli broke into a run, taking a sharp left. Only a few more blocks.

"Atlas?" he cried, breathless. "Atlas?"

The call dropped, and he was left with a terrifying silence. He bit his cheek so hard that he tasted blood. He kept running.

When he finally arrived on Providence Street in what felt like hours later, his mind was flipping through all of the horrible things that could have happened to his friend. He tried to shove them away, tried to focus on figuring out where the hell Atlas could be on this entire street. This road was nearly pitch black, with the few streetlights that weren't busted out at intervals so few and far between that they were almost completely useless.

"God," he whispered, whipping around. He couldn't see Atlas anywhere. He picked a random direction and sprinted down the street, scanning every corner, every alley between the run-down houses and crumbling buildings.

"Atlas!" he called, trying to ignore how his voice was rising in pitch. "Atlas!"

Then, finally, there. At the edge of a huge, fragmented parking lot beside a decrepit apartment complex lay a young man's crumpled form.

"Atlas!"

Eli ran to him, picking his way over the ruined asphalt, broken glass, and past a rusted car skeleton to crouch at his friend's side. His breath caught in his throat at the sight before him.

Atlas lay with his head on a patch of dead grass, his dark skin coated in a sheen of sweat. He was wearing his supersuit and mask, to Eli's surprise, and the material was absolutely ruined. It was filled with holes, and... smoking. Eli realized with horror that the material had melted and darkened into a bloody red mess around Atlas' torso, even fusing with his skin in some places.

Eli swallowed back a gag at the smell of burnt flesh.

Atlas' eyelids fluttered, and he shifted his head towards Eli. There was gravel in his curly black hair, and blood streaked across his sharp cheekbones.

"Eli..." he croaked. His voice was like rusty nails on a chalkboard.

"Atlas, oh god, I--" Eli fluttered his hands helplessly at his sides, then raked them through his hair. "I don't know what to do. Oh god."

The wounds all over his torso were not cuts, or blasts from plasma, Eli realized, but burns. Atlas tried to push himself up on his elbow, his face tense with focus, but he hissed in pain and collapsed.

Eli's frown deepened, confusion spiking through the fear. This didn't make any sense. Atlas was fireproof, one of the best pyrokinetics in Ohio. He was Pyro, for goodness sake. Where Rift got furniture shops, Pyro got multi-million dollar companies. Pyro wasn't beaten, and Pyro certainly couldn't be burned.

"How did this happen?" Eli whispered, his mouth dry. The skin around Atlas' neck was red and blistered, and the worst burns in his chest were charred and blackened, oozing clear liquid that made Eli's stomach turn.

God. He was studying biology. He saw gross things all the time. He should be able to handle this. But it was different when it was his friend, and he had no idea what the protocol for deep tissue burns would be, especially in this situation.

Atlas seemed desperate to tell him something, his mouth gaping opened and closed a few times before he could force it out. "They know, Eli. They know that I know."

"Who knows?" He needed to call 911. He fumbled for his phone in his pocket.

"The Program."

Eli paused, tilted his head. The Program was the in-between that hired heroes and villains out to companies like Maplestone Furniture. As much as Eli hated the job, the Program was employing him, and it even provided scholarships to help further relieve his ridiculous amount of student loans. The few villains he knew personally were also in the same boat, facing a common conundrum: student loans + scarce job availability = turn to villainy through the Program. And it was never real crime beyond property damage and threats, and they were so frequently thwarted by Program-hired heroes that it hardly mattered what they did. But that didn't explain Atlas' claim.

"The Program?" Eli shook his head. "That doesn't make sense, Atlas."

Atlas suddenly reared up and gripped Eli by the front of his shirt with hands slick with blood. Eli flinched, throwing his arms back into the gravel before he fell over.

"Hey--!"

Atlas' left eye was red with broken blood vessels, but his expression was fierce.

"We can't leave, Eli," he hissed, breathless. "We can't leave."

Fear spiked through his lungs, and Eli tried to scramble back, but Atlas held tight, his crazed, scorched face inches away from Eli's. "Leave what?"

But before he could answer, Atlas burst into flame.

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Sat Jul 21, 2018 1:53 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!!
oooooooh what an interesting twist already!! Now it's like the Incredibles meets Despicable Me meets darkness.

I really liked that we got to see a glimpse of Eli's normal life after the dynamic opening. He's just a regular college guy doing this to make money and deal with the financial challenges all college students face. Makes total sense, I feel for the guy. And I also like that even though he's technically a villain he doesn't really enjoy it, and he hardly ever wins, so it's clear he is really only doing this for the money. Poor guy. I loved seeing the transformation from villain back to regular Eli.

I liked that we got a little context of who Atlas was when he called and that Eli clearly cares about him because right from the beginning he was super concerned for his friend. And it just occurred to me how interesting it is that he's a villain for his job and yet he was a hero to his friend for rushing to his aid right away ;) I think I would have liked to know that Atlas is also a villain before Eli found him and we see the suit. I think it would give better context if we know that not only are they friends and roommate, but they are also doing the same job.

I was a little confused with the description of the injuries. I get that he was burned and something powerful must have hurt him, but "Atlas was fireproof, one of the best pyrokinetics in Ohio." Does this mean that Atlas and Eli have special abilities that make them able to do this job or were they given these abilities when they started the job? Was Atlas born with his fireproof abilities or does his uniform or something make him fireproof?

I liked the details you included about how the whole program works with the heroes and villains as we progressed through the chapter. There's so much I want to know, like how does the program recruit, how (and who) decides whether someone will be a hero or a villain, how much and how are they paid, etc. but I'm sure all shall be revealed in due time ;) I loooove the conflict you need to put in this chapter. I wasn't sure where the plot was going to go beyond normal guy is a villain on the side but I'm super intrigued about this new development!

Going to hop on over to the next chapter, and let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




Sonder says...


Thank you so much for the positive review!!! I'm so glad that you like it so far! :)



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Tue Jul 17, 2018 1:49 am
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...



OH BOY HOWDY WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT

Jeez, the drama in those last few paragraphs. I'm so excited to see what comes next, and to see if we ever learn what happened to Pryo. He BURST INTO FLAMES but he's got FIRE POWERS. What poetic (in?)justice.

This chapter flowed super well, overall. And was a total pleasure to read! I only had one little nitpick type comment:

He finished the transformation by sticking his phone in his back pocket, gripping car keys in one hand, and slinging the backpack over his shoulder.


Why not keep his change of clothes in his car? If they're in Ohio (Pryo is at least from Ohio? If that's not where they are, then where?) then I know for a fact that street parking is readily available in most places (Ohio child right here *points at self*), so why wouldn't he park nearby enough to wherever his job was? Lots of college students keep random collections of clothing in the trunks of their cars, so it would make sense.

Otherwise, I'm still a tad iffy on the Program, but I'm glad we got some more information! I think that this chapter gives you some good opportunities to pause and explain some things - even earlier in the chapter than is currently done - about how the Program works. Especially if you broke it up and interspersed details with Eli leaving the scene of the fight. Of course, this is all stuff for the next draft. ;) Mainly, I'm still curious as to why a company would hire a hero/villian. Maplestone Furniture hired Eli, right? But did they hire him to wreck their own store? Or something else? What were they expecting to get out of it?

I'm so totally hooked by the turn at the end of this chapter. I absolutely can't wait to get to read more! I love Eli's voice and the way he experiences the world around him. For some reason, the sushi burrito place he stashed his stuff in the alley of is so funny to me, and I adore that.

Thanks so much for sharing! Keep writing!

--Lauren




Sonder says...


Thank you so much for the great review!! I'm really glad you feel hooked and that you like it so far. :)

hmhmhm that's a good question about the car, lol... I'm setting it in a fictional Ohio city (based off of Columbus) but I'm a suburban girl through and through so I actually have very little knowledge on how parking would work, heh. Sooooo I'll have to think about that. I was thinking that he wouldn't want to be seen going into a car garage in his costume or with his car, in case someone spotted his license plate, but idk. Thanks for pointing it out. :)
Also you're an Ohio child? Me too! Hence the setting. I've wanted an Ohio superhero story for a long time. :D

Okay, so I will still need to clear up the Program further. That's good to know. I will definitely need to figure that out in the next draft with how to best space out information and whatnot, but I'm hoping that it can be cleared up further as we journey forward, but who knooooows. :P

Haha, so pleased you were entertained by the sushi burrito place. As was I.

Thank you so much, again! I really appreciate it. :)



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Mon Jul 16, 2018 9:16 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



...Dang. That was... wow.

Okay, so all of this is super good. I can just feel Eli's frustration with his job and I love how right away we're propelled straight into the main plot - we got the quick "day in the life" and now we're moving right along. I like how you show how he actually really doesn't like his powers much, and I don't blame him - they're painful and not as cool as the other superheroes', and I think that adds a lot to his character.

I thought your first couple of paragraphs were actually the weakest part of the chapter - something about the description just made it so I didn't get into the flow of the writing until after he started mentally complaining about the furniture company. If there's a place I'd recommend minor line edits, it'd definitely be up until he changes and gets the call from Atlas. From there, the flow is pretty great and I was totally absorbed.

Given the amount of time it took them to dump him, leaving him to fend for himself against the well-funded Zenith, he could only imagine how their stinginess and sour attitudes were reflected in their products. He would never support that kind of company. Honestly, if you're going to trigger an auction war with an enemy business, you should at least be prepared to win.

Except for the last sentence, this paragraph felt redundant, as he'd just been saying he bets their furniture is low-quality.

Something I'm a little confused/wondering about but not sure it's worth fully explaining at this point of the story is exactly how/why various companies hire the villains in the first place. Is it just to do their dirty work? (And if that's the case, why do they let them lose all the time?) Is it for publicity, so they can stage some sort of narrative that attracts public interest? And do the heroes only exist to stop the villains, or are they hired to be general do-gooders as well? Not to mention all the legal aspects of this as well - I assume this villain stuff is more outside of the law than inside of the law, but would the hero positions be regulated at all? How widely do people know about these superheroes/villains? (Like, I'm sort of picturing it like Incredibles where everyone knows about them, but maybe not.)

I also love the way he stores his backpack. It's pretty smart - it's not like anyone else is gonna be able to pull it out of a solid brick wall.

I also really loved how you wrote the shock of him discovering his flameproof friend dying from burns. Even though we readers don't know Atlas at all, I definitely felt the shock and horror of his death because of his desperate phone call and how you emphasized how wrong this is.

And that's all I've got! Can't wait for this week's part. :D




Sonder says...


Aw Mea, thank you so much for the awesome review!!! I really appreciate it. <3 I'm so glad you like it and that you felt Atlas' fate was portrayed well.

Thanks for pointing out the rough patches. As for the questions you have, I hope that I'll be able to smooth them out better as I go along, but I really appreciate you asking them, because then I'll keep them in mind and try to answer them in the following chapters. As for the public, the heroes and villains are known to exist, but are not particularly legal. The Program has created a suspicious increase in supers in the population, but their motives aren't known to the public as of yet, if that makes sense. So an average person will know, hey, there are a lot of superheroes and villains doing stuff, but they won't know why or who is sponsoring them.

Thank you again! I'm off to work on the next chapter. :)



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Mon Jul 16, 2018 12:44 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



AHHHHH THAT ENDING THOUGH oh man. Even though, okay, yes, I read your notes, so obviously I knew where this was going. BUT STILL.

I like that you get us into the real meat and action of the story and propel us into the main plot in this chapter, but you also got us into the exposition we really needed to understand what was going on in the last chapter with the fight and the sponsors, or at least to start to understand.

(I mean, again: I knew what was going on ahead of time. But still. So I guess I don't really know if this is enough context for people who don't know, but on the plus side I'm able to spot things like this??? Idk I guess we'll find out if it's helpful later on.)

OH QUESTION. So is Atlas still holding Eli when he bursts into flame??? YIKES WOW. I guess I'll find out for sure in the next chapter when he leaps away or catches fire momentarily himself (or, well, I guess, phases away).

I really like how we're seeing Eli freaking out when Atlas calls him, and afterward when he reaches Atlas. Like they're "villains" but so far we don't really think of Eli as a villain because he's our protagonist (although I realize he's only a villain in title, and really he's just a college kid trying to make it through, and there's real Villains in this story) except that we've seen him in a furniture store, destroying stuff (well, trying to destroy stuff, but he wasn't exactly successful).

On that note, I guess it'll need some work if you want him to appear more actually villainous at first, but considering he's our protagonist and not The Villain, that's entirely up to you whether you want him to appear more villainous or not at the outset.




Sonder says...


yayyy thank you so much for this! <333 I was trying to give some expos without slowing down a lot, so I'm glad you thought it was okay. :)

and yES Atlas is still very much holding on when the flames happen which is No Bueno for Eli. I'm thinking that he will also need some medical attention but we'll see.

Yeah, I don't think I want him to be villainous in the traditional sense, because I like playing on the "poor college student has been forced into this" and there will def be others to fill in the true villain role... heh.

THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEW. I appreciate you and your encouragement.



BluesClues says...


Any time bby <333




It's funny how humans can wrap their mind around things and fit them into their version of reality.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief