z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Hero for Hire: Chapter 1

by Sonder


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Eli didn’t have to look up to know that she had arrived. The pulse of energy in the room was enough, blue-hot and humming in his head.

He paused the hype-up playlist blasting in the built-in speakers of his mask. A paper shredder whirred softly in the poorly-lit office, and a BIC lighter sat on the black lacquered desktop, waiting patiently for whatever sinister purpose he intended for it today. His knees ached from crouching over the desk drawers, but he continued his work, sifting through the papers, skimming the titles for important-sounding descriptors.

"Management"? "Opportunity costs"? "Cash flow statement"? He knew nothing about business, but those sounded significant enough.

He dumped a stack of customer orders into the shredder, and it ate them with a satisfying, drawn-out crunch. A sigh drifted in from the open doorway.

“Halt, evil doer,” came the familiar deadpan.

Eli twisted his lips in an attempt to hold back a laugh. He straightened into a stand.

“‘Halt’?” he echoed, then winced as his knees popped back into place. "What are you, a medieval guard?”

Zenith scowled, her mouth the only facial feature visible thanks to her signature turquoise mask. The shadows of the empty furniture store loomed behind her athletic frame. Robert Allen Furniture, to be exact. Eli's target.

“I’m running out of quips,” she muttered, leaning one hip into the doorframe. Her goggles gleamed in the moonlight filtering through the wall-length windows. “And it’s only September.”

“Well, don’t waste them on me, hero.”

Eli twirled the lighter in one gloved hand as he glanced over his handiwork. The shredded paper filled the machine’s tray, evidence of entire folders meticulously sorted and destroyed. He clicked the lighter’s switch, and set the pile ablaze. The flames devoured the paper quickly, licking the edges of the container until it began to wilt, melting the plastic. A small cloud of smoke filled the air, but not quite large enough to trigger the fire detectors.

They both watched the swirling vapor for a moment, passive.

“What could possibly drive a furniture company to violence and sabotage?” Eli mused aloud, nudging the various drawers closed. He carefully placed the lighter in his pocket, zipped it closed. “Did this guy, Ethan Allen, did he steal a... what, a chair design, and now Maplestone is bitter?”

Zenith tilted her masked head, her goggles obscuring any chance Eli had at reading her true emotions. Even though her outfit made it difficult to take her seriously, gaudy turquoise and gold that it was, there were still moments when the hero's lack of response sent chills down his spine.

Of course, this was Grumpy Zenith, as he liked to refer of her mentally. He liked her partner, Happy Zenith, much better. But they swapped out weekly, so he wouldn’t be seeing the other hero for at least three more days.

Eli sighed and glanced at the smart device on his wrist as he stepped out from behind the desk, careful to avoid the broken glass from a computer he'd smashed not too long ago. The blinking white screen read off his profile and mission:

Villain: Rift.

Sponsor: Maplestone Furniture.

Target: Ethan Allen Furniture.

Status: Leading.

Time: 10:37 pm

“Hey, lucky you,” Zenith said, looking at her own screen. “Your sponsor seems pretty determined that you knock out the competition. You've been on "Leading" all night."

She paused, smiled darkly. "Maybe you’ll actually win for once.”

Eli bristled. Another reason that he preferred the other Zenith. This one had no problem with making their staged fights “look real” (translate to: Eli nursing a lot of burn wounds after the fact). And considering that his sponsors often dropped out mid-battle, leaving Eli to fend for himself and feign defeat...

He couldn’t quite stifle the surge of hope in his chest at this optimistic turn of events.

"Maybe," he admitted. He glanced at the time, tapped his wrist. "I'm off to find the heating system. Burning papers is fun and all, but I'm itching for an explosion. Want to come?"

She pushed off from the door frame, and a shiver of dread rushed through him as she towered nearly a full head over his small frame. There were bumps under the stretched fabric on her head that he believed to be marks of a hairstyle, but for all he knew, they could have been horns.

"I'd love to, but we need to get a move on," she said. "I have my sponsors to think of too, you know? I don't think Ethan Allen likes you very much."

Her lips quirked into a ghost of a smile, and Eli grimaced. He knew she hated this job as much as he did, but did she really have to act like she was eager to beat him up?

"Of course," he agreed, and crossed his fingers behind his back. Maybe she'd be gentle this time.

Zenith's hands began to shimmer with plasma energy, electric blue and terrifying. The hum in his head grew, edging dangerously close towards headache territory. Eli let his hands drop to his sides, muscles tensing in anticipation. As he backed up a few paces, he traced the map of the building in his head, plotting out his path to the basement, every corner, every wall.

The fastest route would be, of course, to cut straight through it all.

"Rift, this is when you move," Zenith hissed, the plasma fields growing into softball-sized orbs in her hands. They writhed and spat energy, filling the room with eerie, flickering light.

He didn't answer. Focused on dissolving into empty space.

The process of turning intangible was never a pleasant one. To the outside eye, it looked as if he were disintegrating into a sand-like substance, and then dissipating into thin air. But Eli's body was essentially ripping itself apart, particle by particle, molecule by molecule, and he could feel every step of it.

It hurt like hell.

But then it was over, and nothing could hurt him after that. Not Zenith's plasma, not bullets, nothing. At least, not for a little while.

He couldn't see when he was intangible, not really, but he could sense the building around him in a glistening haze. There was Zenith, a simmering ball of energy, coiled and ready to explode, and the remains of the fire, reduced now to a pile of smoldering ember and soft plastic. The gas heater was only one floor down, accessible by stairs on the other end of the huge furniture display area.

But the Rift didn't need stairs.

Eli walked straight through Zenith, and a strange sensation of nausea bubbled up from his non-existant stomach. Rippling balls of ionic energy passed by where his face would be, and a jolt of pain ran through his spine.

Crap.

His time was almost up. Usually he could stretch his powers out to 30 seconds, sometimes even a minute, but Zenith's powers had the very unpleasant advantage of clicking his timer forward. So when the sensations started to return, so did he.

As soon as he was past her, Eli felt his body piece itself back together and burst back into being. He gasped at the pain, like every bit of him was on fire. Beads of sweat popped up on his forehead, but he was experienced enough with these reformations to get his bearings back quickly.

He broke into a run, feet pounding on the hardwood floor as he entered the furniture display area. He spotted the security cameras out of the corner of his eye.

Show time.

Zenith's voice, altered by the plasma energy radiating off of her, echoed through the warehouse, warbling and low.

"Rift."

Eli didn't turn around. He launched himself over a minimalist white couch and matching coffee table, nearly jarring his shin into a chair in the neighboring display.

The main path is too open, he thought to himself. I'll get shot in the back.

As if she'd heard him, a blast of plasma struck the table next to him, overturning it with a sharp crack.

"Hey!" he shouted, dodging lamps and tasteful decor. Another explosion erupted next to his feet, and he hopped nimbly away, feeling the heat seeping into the toes of his boots.

"You're supposed to be protecting the merchandise, not destroying it! That's--"

He dodged a blast that exploded overhead, casting sparks of ionic energy onto the furniture below.

"That's my job!"

Zenith didn't respond, but he knew that she was pursuing him from the sound of scuffing feet on wood. She was faster than him, and he knew it. He'd fought her enough times to know that his best chances were to save his energy for close-hand combat, to phase away in the nick of time. He focused on weaving around the furniture.

Checking the map in his mind, he scanned the store to figure out where the heating system would be. There. He altered his path towards an ugly pea-green couch, underneath which, he hoped, was his target. If he could just get above it, he could phase straight down to the gas heater, and then--

Pain seared up his right shoulder blade. Eli gasped and veered sideways into a glass divider. It shattered, spraying his head with glass shards. He lay for a moment, biting his cheek against the already-fading ache in his back and the sting of the few glass shards that punctured the thick material of his suit. He pressed his hands to the ground and rolled onto his knees.

It had only been a small blast, from what he could tell. His suit had protected him from the brunt of it, but there was definite bruising, blooming out along his shoulder. He'd take it.

He lurched back to his feet, fumbling for his own weapon at his waist- a combat pistol, Program-issued. Clutching his arm against the throbbing in his shoulder, Eli leveled the weapon at the hero. She was far too close for comfort, still moving towards him about two displays away. The room was dark, and the shadows cast by the plasma made her mask look twisted and wrong.

"Destruction of property is a crime, Zenith," he called, attempting at lighthearted banter. He took aim, trying to calm the fluttering of nerves in his stomach. The way Zenith looked when she was in the middle of an assignment always scared him, with the plasma radiating off of her hands in waves, smoldering and hungry. As if he were the prey, and she was the predator.

She always followed the Hero Guidelines, but he was still never sure that she would stop in time.

"Tone it down," he added. He gave her a warning shot, shattering a lamp next to her hip. She flinched away, but kept moving, climbing over the back of an armchair, burning through the leather. One display away.

"Check your watch," she said, twisting her hands as she generated another blast.

Eli's heart sunk as he spun away, glancing at the screen on his wrist as he simultaneously dissintegrated, his whole body screaming. Before his sight faded away, he read:

Status: Losing.

Damn it.

Subscribe to Hero for Hire for weekly updates!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Fri Jul 06, 2018 1:31 am
View Likes
BluesClues wrote a review...



GOSH DANG IT WHAT DID I NOT REVIEW THIS YET HOW EVEN

*sigh*
*oh well*
*will review now*

Sooooooo you already know that I lowkey ship Eli and Zenith already, because really?

Her lips quirked into a ghost of a smile, and Eli grimaced. He knew she hated this job as much as he did, but did she really have to act like she was eager to beat him up?


CLEARLY SHE BEATS HIM UP AFFECTIONATELY. Clearly.

idk what's wrong with me but that's really where i was like ooooooh ship

THOSE LAST LINES THOUGH wow so sassy "check your watch" "my watch says I'm los--OH HECK NOW" *maniacal chuckling even though Zenith is technically a good guy*

Also question: so you've sort of set up two Zeniths, who I'm assuming are in fact two separate people. And since the heroes and villains are hired by the Program, I'm guessing that means that they have, like, different uhhh employees acting the parts of the same supers. Kind of like the Disney cast, you know, at Disney World? I'm assuming the princesses are played by multiple people, anyway. I'm not a Disney princess so I would not actually know these things BUT I DIGRESS my point is, does this mean there are two different people who are both the superhero Zenith? I didn't think about the when I was reading through your notes, but that makes sense to me since they work for a company!

I really like how you give us physical descriptions of what Eli actually feels, in particular when he uses his powers.

we now interrupt this program to rant about how not all chili dogs are Coney dogs
okay back to reviewing wow I have a serious problem

YES. PHYSICAL DESCRIPTIONS. I feel like (okay, maybe it's because I generally only watch superhero movies and don't ever Read Superhero Things) we never really get an idea of how a super's powers feel when in use, so that was really neat. Plus that could really give us some good tension later on in the middle of really important, exhausting battles.

Also I love Eli like "uhhh destroying things is my job, Zenith" and "uhhhh you're breaking the law rn, Zenith" and "Zenith, seriously, are you even a hero? are you maybe confused about who the villain is here? hmmm? HMMM?"

Also great balance of dialogue, action, and description, not to mention Eli's thoughts that start hinting at what's going on in terms of the supers being for-hire. Basically just ahhhh you know, a really strong start and I'm SO EXCITED TO BE READING IT FINALLY.




Sonder says...


omg I can't believe you ship them BECAUSE she wants to beat him up??? hahaha. We shall see. and by that I mean that I legit don't know if I ship them or not/ if they'll end up compatible or not oof but I REALLY LOVE HOW YOU HAVE A SHIP (with my literal only 2 characters so far lololol)

I AM GLAD YOU LIKE THE LAST LINES THANK YOU!!!

Re: Zenith: yes! there are two separate people acting as the same hero, very similar to Disney characters. The Zenith persona is pretty big at the moment, so it would be pretty overwhelming for one college student to run the whole thing. Thus: Grumpy Zenith (featured), Happy Zenith.

Yeah Eli is a mess, both as a person and with his powers. He's like, "really, I get powers and they glitch on me when I encounter my ONE foe??? okay whatever" and I love that you love his attitude, bc that's very fun to write tbh. I didn't know he'd be so snarky until I started writing, whoops.

overall THANK YOU SO MUCH *weeping grateful tears* I'm just. really invested and I want to keep posting to like,,, answer all the questions and get a move on but I'm just stuck here for what seems like an eternity a literal week.

anyway. <333



User avatar
541 Reviews


Points: 370
Reviews: 541

Donate
Fri Jul 06, 2018 12:43 am
View Likes
Lauren2010 wrote a review...



OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY

Hello :) Man, this was thrilling! I totally envy the way you write action sequences, especially considering you had superpowers to explain. I was able to picture the fights almost perfectly. You gave just enough detail to set the scene, but not so much it got overly confusing, and you kept up the pacing well. It made for a very exciting chapter to read, which is good considering this is a superhero action story!

The main point of confusion for me is what they're meant to be doing. I get the sense from hints in this chapter and what you've told me about the story that this is a staged fight? It sounds like they were hired by someone to stage the fight, but I can't really tell who hired them. Or whether they were both hired by the same person or different people? I also don't understand what the purpose is of the Rift "attacking" the furniture store in the first place. Why did someone hire him to do this? What is gained by having these staged hero fights? I'm also a bit lost on the smart devices and the status updates.

Something that happens to me a lot when I write is I'm afraid of giving TOO MUCH information that I get really vague about the details. Sometimes I'm trying to be sly or sneaky, but sometimes I just hope my reader understands what I'm saying without me having to out and out SAY it. This almost never works out as well as I hope xD I get the sense that you might be doing the same thing here? Trying not to info-dump, and as a result not giving enough info for us to understand what is going on.

That isn't to say that you should give us three paragraphs about what the background of this fight/job is. But I do think you can give us a few short & direct sentences that ground us in what's happening. Just the facts, if that makes sense? Backstory can come later, slowly seeded through the first few chapters, but we do need the most basic info to help us understand the WHY of what is happening. That'll hook your reader into the story, and really make us root for your characters.

Otherwise, I had so much fun reading this! Thanks so much for sharing, I can't wait to read more!

--Lauren




Sonder says...


Hey Lauren! Thank you SO much for the awesome review. I really appreciate it! :D

I'm so glad that you enjoyed this. The pacing is what often trips me up, so I'm thrilled that you think it was somewhat solid. Honestly, though, that's what probably prevented me from adding more explanation.

Trying not to info-dump, and as a result not giving enough info for us to understand what is going on.
Man, that's exactly what's happening. I'm so concerned about info-dumping, because the premise that I've dreamed up is somewhat complicated to explain, and I'm not sure I could cover it in a few sentences, so I think I just went light on the necessary details.

My plans for right now are to keep writing, figure out what I'm trying to say, and then reassess with these comments in mind once I'm a little more removed from this point in time, if that makes sense? I hope that I can come back with a clearer idea of what needs to be said right off the bat, and what can be left for the next few chapters.

Thank you so much, again. It's very helpful to know where the weak points are. :)



Lauren2010 says...


I love that plan! It's so hard to balance pacing and giving information xD definitely a problem to solve in later drafts ;)



User avatar
1260 Reviews


Points: 1630
Reviews: 1260

Donate
Thu Jul 05, 2018 6:41 pm
View Likes
Elinor wrote a review...



Hey Sonder,

Happy LMS! Hope your writing is going well. Here I am for my review, as promised. I loved this story, and I thought it was a great beginning. What you do well is place the reader right at the center of the action, and make us feel exactly what they're going through. I was also getting somewhat of a YA/Incredibles type vibe, which I really dig.

Maybe I misread something, but I would have liked to have seen a little more worldbuilding. While this chapter is super immersive and does a great job of bringing us right into the story, I found myself a little bit lost. The fact that you mention they have sponsors is interesting, but I was a little confused as to how that worked. Are Eli and Zenith hired to go after known criminals? Are these nights "out and about" so to speak publicized or is it kept quiet? Do they have someone they report to or are they free agents?

Regardless, I quite enjoyed this, and I can't wait to read more of it! Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions.

All the best,
Elinor




Sonder says...


Hey Elinor! Thank you so much for the awesome review.
Thank you so much for your questions, because this is the first time I've done actual... plotting? things and the pacing is a bit difficult to come by. Eli and Zenith are being hired by the Program, which is a huge aspect of the entire plot/ story that I intend to delve into much, much further in future chapters, but I'm still trying to figure out how much to give away at first. So your questions are going to be great guidelines to figure out how to ease reader confusion as I go. My plans for right now are to keep writing, and reassess with these comments in mind once I'm a little more removed from this point in time, if that makes sense?
Thank you so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. :)



User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

Donate
Thu Jul 05, 2018 5:14 am
View Likes
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Sonder,

So, I'm really excited to read this and figured I'd see if I could work a review out of it as I did. You know, kill two birds with one stone -- get to enjoy your fabulous story, and get points out of it so I can keep posting my chapters as well ;) Let's get started...

He straightened into a stand.


It might just be me and my sleep-deprived mind, but this seems like a really odd way to say that he stood up.

“I’m running out of quips,” she muttered, leaning one hip into the doorframe. Her goggles gleamed in the moonlight filtering through the wall-length windows. “And it’s only September.”

“Well, don’t waste them on me, hero.”


Oh my gosh. xD I <3 this.

Even though her outfit made it difficult to take her seriously, gaudy turquoise and gold that it was, there were still moments when the hero's lack of response sent chills down his spine.


I think your story would benefit from having more description about her outfit here-ish. I'm trying really hard to get a mental image of the characters, but so far I'm coming up short. I love their banter, and I feel like I've got a pretty good idea of the setting (you know dark office drama sort of thing) but I'm having a really hard time visualizing what either of them look like. This description is good, but I think it'd be better if you elaborated a bit more.

And considering that his sponsors often dropped out mid-battle, leaving Eli to fend for himself


This has strong Hunger Game feels, fyi.

"You're supposed to be protecting the merchandise, not destroying it! That's--"

He dodged a blast that exploded overhead, casting sparks of ionic energy onto the furniture below.

"That's my job!"


xD I love Eli so much already. Your dialogue is seriously the best thing ever and I love it so much.

If he could just get above it, he could phase straight down to the gas heater, and then--


But... but... if he pops back into existence all of a sudden, in less than a minute and sometimes less than thirty seconds... is phasing yourself into a tiny constricted place really a good idea? Like what happens if he pops back half-way down a pipe? :o Okay fine I'll shut up and keep reading...

~ ~ ~

Okay! Can I just say how much I absolutely completely adore your premise? It's SUCH a cool idea and you did a fantastic job of pulling it off. I am really excited to see where you take this novel, and already love Eli and am hoping that we get to see a lot more of him in future chapters.

Your characterization is one of my favorite things. Like it seems kinda like a reality show, where they're both just filling a role cause it's their job and they have to -- but at the same time getting to be heroes and villains in the midst of it.

Really like how you end it as well. Ominous disappearance, with a dash of disappointment on his losing just for fun. I'm really interested to know where he's going and what happens next. You definitely raised lots of questions in this chapter, which is really good since it makes me want to read on to find out more.

I don't have much else in the terms of the helpful department to offer, so I'll go ahead and end this review here -- but I'm really looking forward to seeing where you take this novel. I can't make any promises that I'll follow it when I get to grad school, but I'm going to make an attempt to make this one of the novels I read/review for LMS IV.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




Sonder says...


Hey Shady! Thanks so much for the awesome review! I'm so, so glad that you like the premise and the characters (especially Eli, he's already my Child), and that you feel intrigued! That's honestly all that I could ask for.

But... but... if he pops back into existence all of a sudden, in less than a minute and sometimes less than thirty seconds... is phasing yourself into a tiny constricted place really a good idea? Like what happens if he pops back half-way down a pipe? :o Okay fine I'll shut up and keep reading...

Hm. >.> Well, that's a very good point. He is usually able to control it a lot better and for longer, but Zenith's powers interfere a LOT and make it hard for him to maintain intangibility... but you're definitely right. That is a hazard. Certainly something to keep in mind for future... issues. >.>

I'll also try to bump some of the description. Thanks for pointing that out. Anyway, thank you again for the super positive review! I really appreciate it! :)



User avatar
1162 Reviews


Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

Donate
Wed Jul 04, 2018 2:57 pm
View Likes
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello!! I was looking forward to you posting this because the premise sounded so so cool based on what you posted in the writers corner :) And with Incredibles2 finally coming out, lets just say I'm in the mood for some heroes/villains.

I thought it was super interesting how casual Eli and Zenith are with one another and that everything is staged and they know one another and they each have a code of ethics. Suuuper excited to learn more about the inner workings of both of their professions as the story continues! It's giving me Incredibles vibes (and sort of Despicable Me vibes), not that either of those are a bad thing!

I was a little confused at first exactly what was going on and what Eli's role was. I know from the description that he's a villain, but had I not read the description, I may not have realized what he's doing and why. I think as he's going about his destruction before the fight with Zenith you could add a sentence or two about who Eli is and why he's doing this. And then when Zenith comes a sentence or two about who she is and why she's doing this. I obviously don't want a big long description of the ins and outs of their roles and all of the whys, just more clearly spelled out that Eli is a hired villain and Zenith is a hired hero.

I also really liked your description of the fight between them. I thought you did a nice job showing their powers and the implications of their powers (pain using them and the difficulty using some of them). I also liked that it wasn't this super intense dramatic fight scene and that they were talking to each other and giving one another crap as they fought because it gave us a nice taste of each of their personalities as they went about their mission.

Overall, I think this is an intriguing first chapter and you've left me with lots to think about. And I don't know if you have publishing aspirations, but if this story becomes a YA Incredibles/Despicable Me type story and you pitched it as such someday, my guess would be agents would eat that up.

Looking forward to seeing how you develop this!! Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention! :D




Sonder says...


Hey Carlito! Thank you so much for the awesome review. :) I'm so glad you like the concept and the interactions! I was so excited to get into Eli's head and write his interaction with Zenith.
Okay, so here's my one question: I woke up this morning, read Mea's review, and put in a few edits, because she mentioned also being confused about what the characters' motives are. But I'm not sure if you read it before or after the edits were there. Do you think you could read/ skim through it again and see? I added a few sentences here and there to try and clear up some of the confusion. For example, I added a line about his target, Ethan Allen Furniture, onto his display screen. Do you think that it helped without being too much?
But, if you read it after the edits, then that point is moot. How do you think I could clear it up further, at this point? I don't want to get info-dumpy but I also want to keep the readers in the world without making it super confusing.
Thanks again! I really appreciate it.



Carlito says...


Great question! I believe I read it after you made the Mea edits. I think at this part:
Villain: Rift.

Sponsor: Maplestone Furniture.

Target: Ethan Allen Furniture.

I'm not sure why the Villain name is Rift (is that his villain name?) Maybe say Eli instead to make it clear Eli is the villain.

And then for Zenith, you could keep it super simple too. Maybe the first time you use her name you refer to her as Hero Zenith or Zenith the Hero or something like that to signify she's the hero in this situation and then stick to referring to her as Zenith after.

And you're super welcome! :D



Sonder says...


Hm okay. I didn't want to put his real name there because it's his secret identity and all that, but I get that names are confusing. I was hoping that Zenith referring to him as "Rift" would help get that across. I'll sit on it for a bit.
Thanks again!



User avatar
1085 Reviews


Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

Donate
Wed Jul 04, 2018 7:57 am
View Likes
Mea wrote a review...



Hey Sonder! I'm glad this is out already, and super excited to review it for you today!

So first off, this is awesome and I love it already! (As I've told you just from your ideas, but I'm loving the execution of them too!) I love the way you describe the powers - they just *feel* like superhero powers, and I can easily picture them in my head (especially since I recently watched Incredibles 2 lol).

I really like Eli, just because of his overall resigned attitude towards the whole thing and how he's still snarky anyway. I also actually can't wait to see Happy Zenith, because I really want to see the contrast between her and Grumpy Zenith. As intended, Grumpy Zenith isn't much fun. :P

I think my main critique here is that I don't think your ideas come through quite as clearly as they could in places, and it meant there were times I had to back up and re-read, or draw upon what I already knew from reading your LMS thread. Basically, in this first chapter, I want to be drawn right into the world and all the implications of your really cool idea, but it didn't quite click together at times

I was mostly confused about things like: where are they? In some sort of office and furniture store, but whose? And although we know Eli's sponsor is a furniture store, it's not really clear what exactly he's doing here - destroying the paperwork of a rival company is what I would assume, but it doesn't quite click. It's like I kept waiting for a brief explanation but never got it, and it feels weird that even though we're in Eli's head, we don't know his immediate plans or what the current job he's on entails. Also, with the smart watches, it wasn't quite clear to me at first that the information displayed was referring to Eli, and wasn't scanning and analyzing Zenith instead.

This one had no problem with making their staged fights “look real” (translate to: Eli nursing a lot of burn wounds after the fact) and considering that his sponsors were often flakey... Eli couldn’t quite stifle the surge of hope in his chest.

"Maybe," he admitted. He glanced at the time, tapped his wrist. "I'm off to find the heating system. Want to come?"

I just didn't really understand what his sponsors being "flakey" implies about the outcome of the fight. Also, why is he trying to find the heating system? Sabotaging it seems hilariously petty, and if that's the case I love it, but it isn't clear.

Anyway, once this got into the actual fight scene, I thought it smoothed out a lot and was overall really awesome. I loved the banter between Eli and Zenith, as well as the smart watch changing status to "Losing."

I also thing it's super interesting how you describe Eli's powers, as well as the fact that it does hurt to dematerialize. I think maybe you could be clearer about how long the duration is? Like, in the narrative it "felt" like it was maybe 30 seconds, but considering he only just barely got past Zenith, 5-10 is probably more accurate?

So I think this is pretty solid overall, but a bit more work on the introduction/explanation side of things would really help us get settled into the situation and the world before the battle starts in earnest. That's about all I've got for this chapter, so I'll see you next week! Can't wait! <3




Sonder says...


Wow, thanks for the awesome review, Mea! You helped me a lot. When I was writing this, I was so concerned about being info-dumpy that I think I went too light on necessary details and the actual intentions of the characters. Thank you for pointing out specific questions you had. It's hard, because I've been thinking about this for so long, obviously I know what's going on, but I didn't translate it very well.
Do you think you could possibly reread this when you get the chance? I tried to add in some of the details to answer your questions without making it too intrusive... do you still think I'm being too cautious? I also know that I'll be exploring those exact details further later on, but I definitely don't want to make the reader have to pause and reread and risk pulling them out of the story.
I'm really glad you like the concept. I feel rusty in my writing, so I hope that I can get stronger the farther I get into this draft. Thank you again for the amazing review! :D



Mea says...


So I read the first part through again, and yes, that is definitely a lot clearer! And I'm so glad my review was so helpful. :D I'm sure you'll ease into it as you go along.



User avatar
32 Reviews


Points: 2960
Reviews: 32

Donate
Wed Jul 04, 2018 5:30 am
View Likes
SnowGhost says...



I already love this! :)
Usually when you think of someone with super abilities, you think of how lucky they are to have them, how easy and convenient they are for them to use and have. But I think it's cool how in your story, Eli's intangible abilities are flawed and even bring him pain. That's more original and relatable, and you also feel sympathetic towards them about the pain their power gives them, instead of being jealous of how amazing their powers are, and wishing you could have them. :)




Sonder says...


Thank you so much! I really like it when super-powered people experience unique weaknesses in their powers that they have to work around, rather than having all the convenience of a power and no consequences. I'm so glad you like it! :)




If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
— Woodrow Wilson