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Young Writers Society



Hero for Hire: Chapter 4.1

by Sonder


A/N: I decided to split this into two because it got so long. I'm guessing that may become the standard if the chapters continue to be this length. Enjoy!

Flames licked the sides of Eli's face, peeling the skin from his cheeks. He shuddered as he plunged into black. He was blind, just like when he turned intangible, and familiar pain radiated through his whole body. He could sense a dark form looming in front of him, its presence heavy and boiling. It made a sharp gesture, and his chest opened. His ribs folded up and out like a flower blooming, exposing his still-beating heart to the open air.

The being wrenched Eli's heart from his chest, leaving him empty and cold. Eli gasped, but his lungs wouldn't expand, and then there were pills in his mouth, choking him. Around him, the world burned. He was suffocating, thrashing around until his limbs weakened and fell.

Then he died.

The dream shifted, and Eli's sight returned, and the being was gone, and there before him was Atlas. Whole, healthy, handsome Atlas, the version of him from before Eli had had found him curled and smoking in a parking lot. Atlas' brown skin glowed like an angel's.

"What are you going to do now, Eli?" Atlas asked him, his voice sifting through the flame and fog, hissing in Eli's mind. He drew closer, and Eli realized that his eyes were red pockets embedded in bone, glowing embers that sizzled and sparked.

"Who did this to you?" Eli gasped. He reeled, the smell of burning clogged his nose.

Atlas frowned, as if he couldn't recall. He looked down at his hands, at the worn palms and half-moon nails.

"Don't let it happen again," he said, instead of an answer, and stared at Eli with those horrible eyes.

"How?"

Atlas' form began to shiver into smoke, disintegrating into the wind. His red eyes burned holes in Eli's skull. His voice contorted into a scream, a plea.

"Don't let it happen again."

***

Eli lurched awake, his heart hammering in his chest. He sat up too quickly and promptly cracked his head into the bunk bed above him. He groaned and slumped back to his pillow, gripping his face in one hand. Sleep still hung over him, weighing down his limbs.

He lay still for a few moments, adrenaline bubbling through his veins, tried to ignore the new bruise rising on his forehead. Yesterday's events came rushing back to him, along with the physical reminders on his body. The burns, the plasma blast bruises, general exhaustion. God, he was a mess.

The dream reared up in his mind, and he flinched.

Last night was real. That dream... that dream was not, he tried to convince himself.

But dream Atlas' words hovered in the air like a decree.

Don't let it happen again.

Morning light fell in strips over the room, sifting through the shades and over the succulents and cacti perched on the windowsill. The sun was higher in the sky than Eli expected, and when he looked at his phone, he realized that it was nearly noon.

He tried to care that he'd missed two classes already, including that dreaded Anatomy test, but at the moment, schoolwork seemed to be the least important thing in the world. He rolled out of bed, wiping the back of his hand over his parched mouth. A glance at the empty bunk above him told him that Seb was gone. Maybe to class, maybe to process his own feelings elsewhere. And of course, Atlas was...

He shook his head, the guilt bubbling up in his stomach for the millionth time since last night. It made him sick, even in his sleep, and it wasn't helped by the not knowing. He still didn't know what had really happened, if they had found a heartbeat in the ambulance, if his friend was even still alive. Officer Anderson had told him that they'd keep him posted. Surely they would have told him by now if he'd... if he'd...

He spun on his heel and left the room, walked to the shared restroom a few rooms down. He was grateful for the silence on the third floor of Rosiello Hall. Everyone was either in class, or at lunch.

Eli leaned over the sink and splashed his face with water, the cold shocking him back to reality. He caught a glance of himself in the mirror, and cringed.

Purple bags carved valleys under his bloodshot eyes, and the cleft scar that ran from his nose to his lip shone red, raw from tears and from rubbing his nose. His lips were so chapped that they had cracked and scabbed over in the night. His jet-black hair was even wilder than usual, sticking up every which way, stiff with sweat and grease from the fight and following trauma. He tried to smooth it down with little avail, but a shower seemed out of the question at the moment.

He sighed, and returned to his room. Atlas' empty bed seemed to scream condemnation at him from the corner, so he turned his desk chair so that he couldn't see it, and sat down. He kept catching glimpses of fire at the edges of his vision.

We can't leave, Eli. We can't leave.

What had he meant? Had he been referring to the Program, or something else? Had someone attacked him, or had it been an isolated event, a random malfunction of his powers? How else could he have just stopped being fireproof?

Eli knew that these powers of theirs were man-made, far from natural. Maybe they were less reliable than the Program wanted them to believe. Maybe they were volatile.

Agent West would know.

Eli found his backpack where he'd left it, shoved under the paper-strewn desk. His Anatomy book sat before him, and he grimaced, pushing it to the side. He unearthed his Program watch from beneath the crumpled Rift uniform in the bottom of his bag.

Only now did he think to be grateful that the police hadn't requested to search his bag last night. What would he have done then?

"Oh, yes, sorry for that villain costume there. Just for casual dress-up. Nothing to see here."

He pulled out the smartwatch and cradled it in his hands. He half-expected to see a voicemail waiting for him already. After all, Atlas was, or had been, Agent West's responsibility too. Maybe he would have thought to call Eli to explain the current situation. He would know by now that Eli had been there, what he had seen. The Program owed Eli an explanation.

But no. The screen was blank. Big surprise.

"Command: Call Agent," he stated, ignoring how rough his voice sounded. He didn't remember when he'd managed to crawl into bed after telling Sebastián what had happened through the tears.

The screen glowed a light blue, the display showing a spinning icon as it processed the voice command.

"Unable to reach Agent West," an automated voice chirped happily back at him. "Would you like to leave a message?"

Eli sighed, rolled his eyes. "Cancel. Call again."

The icon spun. "Unable to reach Agent West. Would you like to--"

"Call again."

"Unable to--"

Eli groaned, sat back in his seat. Just like West. One of his villains turns up half-dead, the other a witness, and he couldn't even be bothered with a phone call to explain.

There was no point in leaving a message. West knew what Eli wanted.

His stomach twisted. Maybe West knew something, and was avoiding his calls on purpose. Maybe Atlas was dead. Maybe West knew who had been involved.

No. Speculating would do nothing for him, not now. He was just in the mood for casting blame. Maybe finding someone to fault other than himself would alleviate the awful weight in his chest.

A small chime echoed from the watch. Eli glanced down to see a text message scrolling out along the screen.

Keep calm and stay low. We're taking care of it. -West.

Eli clenched his jaw in frustration. His friend, roommate, and fellow villain was dying, and all his Agent could give him was "taking care of it"? Heat flushed up his neck, and then biting pain as his hands fizzed in and out of tangible existence. He took a deep breath to center himself before he dissipated through the floor.

He glanced at Atlas' empty bed, then at the wrinkled suit and flashing watch before him. An itching need to move surged up through his muscles. He couldn't stay here any longer.

He strapped the watch to his wrist, threw on a pair of pants and another hoodie, inwardly mourning the loss of his favorite from last night, and headed downstairs. He ducked out of a side door and started walking.

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1162 Reviews


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Sun Aug 26, 2018 1:51 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Here I am finally getting caught up!! AND CONGRATS TO YOU, YOU GET MY 1000th REVIEW!! :D

You manage to intrigue me more and more with each new chapter.

I loved the dream at the beginning and that we have two cryptic things to think about - "we can't leave" and now "don't let it happen again". I have theories galore and I can't wait to see how this all develops.

I also love that Eli has a cleft palate!! I've never in all my years of reading read a book where the MC has a cleft palate. Diversity!

I honestly don't have much to say in terms of criticism or qualms. I thought this was a well-executed scene. I like that things slowed down a little and we were able to see, in lots of detail, how Eli is coping with that horrible traumatic event. It felt very real and very honest the way he was coping. It makes him feel a lot more real as a character and it also adds some nice gravity to the scene to see how much its impacting him.

The part at the end with Agent West is super intriguing to me and I can't wait to learn more about this character and how this whole system works. I agree with Eli, the fact that West hadn't already contacted him about what happened to Atlas and the fact that it took Eli so long to get back to him was odd. And when he finally did get in touch, there was no sympathy or concern. I'm sure West is busy cleaning this mess up and attending to Atlas, but that's telling about his character. And what does "we're taking care of it" mean? I have a feeling that doesn't bode well for Atlas.

Looking forward to reading on! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




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Tue Aug 14, 2018 3:39 am
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...



HERE I AM back again after a million years. I'm so sorry for falling behind, but I am going to try to knock these out as fast as I can and get back up to speed. On the plus side: now I get to binge a couple chapters all at once! :D

First things first, let's talk about dream sequences. There's something...anticlimactic about a dream sequence. Which is such a shame, because you're doing so many interesting things in this dream. I like the moment between Atlas and Eli, and it's interesting to me that Eli even questions whether it was real or not for a moment. But we already know it wasn't real, because of the italics and everything else that sets it very clearly apart as a dream.

I wonder, though, if it might be more effective if we were less sure it was a dream? I think it would really ramp up the tension, as well as make us question more the nature of what happened to Atlas. Maybe Eli dreams Atlas in their shared room, looking the way he did when Eli last saw him. Maybe the dream is only slightly elevated, only a bit off from real life, that it makes us actually question what was happening to Eli?

Just an idea, of course! All I know is that it's really hard to write a dream sequence that doesn't lose a bit of tension.

Eli knew that these powers of theirs were man-made, far from natural.

Whoa, is this new information? It's been a while so I could be forgetting, but this feels like a big moment to only give one sentence considering we're already in chapter four.

"Oh, yes, sorry for that villain costume there. Just for casual dress-up. Nothing to see here."

I think I'm still confused about the Program. They're well known enough that companies can hire them to face off in their stores, but what they do is still illegal?

All in all, I really love the way you're managing Eli's reaction to what he saw with Atlas. He's appropriately grieving and angry and confused, but it's not making him passive. That's incredibly difficult to pull off so big props to you! I can't wait to get to the next part of this chapter and see where Eli is going off to.

Thanks so much for sharing, and keep writing!

--Lauren




Sonder says...


Thank you so much for the review! :D



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Sun Jul 29, 2018 1:05 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey Sonder! Sorry for this taking approximately forever to actually review this. Life came up, and just yeah.

So I really like this as well. My first instinct is to question the dream scene, but that's probably just because at this point I automatically start evaluating the necessity of every dream sequence in any story I review on here, since they can be so overused. xD I'd say this one passes the bar, though, because having nightmares after something like that is totally natural.

West is totally suspicious, and we haven't even met him yet. I suspect that's the point. :P

I think this recovery scene works well. It's not too long, it ends with him making a choice and deciding to go and do things, and it lets us see the full range of his emotional reactions.

I do feel like he would have, almost immediately after waking up, tried to contact the hospital and find out if Atlas is still alive, or turn on the news to see if there's been a reported death, or something like that. He hates not knowing, but then he doesn't do anything to try to find out, even though he has a phone and Internet access. Maybe that's where he's going to wind up going, but it seems silly to not try to find out by calling or using the Internet first.

Something small at the end, but I feel like you don't really need to say the part about Eli's "itching need to move." I feel like it would be more suspenseful and a better contrast to West's telling him to keep low if, after that, he just gets up and leaves without the reader knowing whatever rash thing he's about to do. Because honestly, that's a great contrast right there and so much like Eli to just go and do that.

I also do agree with BlueAfrica that maybe you need some red herrings here? Because it is obvious that the Program's a bit suspicious, and there's not really anything else it *could* even be at this point in the story. Maybe rumors of a rogue villain, out killing other villains, or something else that could possibly explain Atlas' death, could be introduced, even if they turn out to only be misinformation spread by the Program.

And that's all I've got! On to the next chapter. :D




Sonder says...


pssh I totally understand about life, I hope it treats you better. <3 I just want to thank you forever for this AWESOME REVIEW

you are. compLETELY RIGHT WOW I can't believe I didn't have him immediately call the hospital or check the news but honestly I think I was just... too lazy to think of a solution. But you're totally right, it's unrealistic and weird and lazy of him to not make an effort to find out. Last night after reading your review I immediately took note of a few solutions that I can add in to fix that, so thank you.

Very Great Points about the Program. You are absolutely correct. At the moment I'm just going to be at the stage where I admit that it's the first draft and things may need to be a bit too straight-forward and predictable so that I can figure out where I'm going, but I absolutely recognize that they will need to be improved later. I like your ideas about misdirection and general red herrings.

Thank you so much. Your reviews are so kind and helpful and I so appreciate them. <3



Mea says...


<3 I'm so glad my ramblings can help, and I totally get that about first drafts because that's how all my first drafts are lol.



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Sun Jul 29, 2018 12:15 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Whole, healthy, handsome Atlas


I still ship it

Okay, sorry I'm late with this! But now that it's Review Day and I have, uh, seven chapters for various people to catch up on, I figured I'd actually get around to it.

The dream is really good. You probably don't need italics - it's clear that it's a dream - but that's a stylistic choice (can you tell where I stand on that issue?) Anyway, it's very good - related to what he saw and was traumatized by, but it's not an exact recreation. Plus it serves as Eli's call to action, which, let's face it, is more weight than most dreams in fiction really have to them. Because now not only does he have his actual memories of Atlas burning up, but he has dream-Atlas telling him to do something about it. Which is going to be a pretty powerful motivator.

I know you were concerned about the mirror description, because it's generally cliche. In this case, however, I think it works: you're not using it merely to describe him but to show how different he looks right now vs how he usually looks. Normally when a character looks in a mirror and then takes time to describe themselves it's unrealistic (unless they're like super vain or something), because how often do we pay THAT much attention to our own normal appearance? We know what we look like.

But it works better in a situation like this, when a character is exhausted or beat up or otherwise has some drastic physical change that makes them look different than they usually do.

My only issue with this section of chapter 4 is that Eli's suspicions about the Program and West feel a little too, uh, well, let's see if I can explain it the way I mean. I realize they're kind of played off like "oh, he just desperately needs to pass the blame to someone other than himself," but it doesn't actually come across feeling that way? Which TO BE FAIR could be because I've read your notes/helped you brainstorm and I know where the story is going.

BUT. Just in case it's not that. I guess it feels like you're not so much hinting or foreshadowing as walloping us over the head with "WEST AND THE PROGRAM ARE AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS, AREN'T THEY, HMMM???" if that makes sense. Especially since readers still know next to nothing about them.

Possibly Eli wouldn't think of it anyway, but considering Atlas goes to the same school you'd think his profs would already know what happened and thus no one would even care that Eli's missing class. At least not the first day it happens. And then I hope they'd be concerned rather than angry, although I'm sure Eli will be anxious regardless and won't see it that way at all, probably even if they tell him so.




Sonder says...


HI BLUE I LOVE YOU

I love that you ship them hahahaha even tho I have no idea if I ship anyone??? I've... not really thought about it much bc I don't think that way so tbh this helps

annnnd thanks for the reassurance about the dream/ mirror-ness. I appreciate it. AND YES I am not doing well with ANY foreshadowing at the moment bc I need to figure out what the heck is actually going on first? but yes thanks so much. I actually laughed out loud at
"WEST AND THE PROGRAM ARE AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS, AREN'T THEY, HMMM???"
because that's... too true. I think this is the point where I just say I have no idea what I'm doing and this is a first draft but THANK YOU bc I will definitely need to fix that later yikes.

so yes. thank you so much. thanks to you and Mea, I already think I'll have good things to add to make it less TOTALLY OBVIOUS who's the baddie hahahaha



BluesClues says...


ANY TIME FRIEND also obviously if you need help with revisions too (when you get there) I'm 100% here for it <3



Sonder says...


ahhh thank you so much. <333




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