History speaks of a thousand wars
Fought in kingdoms near and afar,
Empires rise and empires fall,
Yet against one enemy, we all feel small.
The best swordsman can bleed him not,
No archer ever gets him shot,
No warrior with a hundred scars,
No general with a lot of stars,
Has ever touched him; nor will ever
Although an armour he puts on never.
Call your allies, befriend your foe,
Yet before him, you seem to feel low.
No cannonball nor catapult stones
Can scratch his skin, save reach his bones.
The shrewdest assassin he does not fear,
No spy has the courage to get too near.
The most generous treaty he will not sign;
Even if he’s offered wealth, women and wine.
He simply sits and moves his hands,
He has no voice and still he commands.
His ways are evil, he only moves on—
And before you know it, you’re old and gone.
He is alone — he is all in one;
There is no moment when he hasn’t won.
The ultimate battle (no more can I rhyme)
Is the battle against Immortal Time…
QUESTION: Does the dramatic relief in the second last line (within the parentheses) spoil the seriousness of the poem?
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i like it but the seond to last line is a bit strange
Great job! This poem stirred feelings in my soul and really captivated my imagination. However when I got to the end I felt that, though it got me to chuckle a bit, it was out of place and brought the images in my imagination's eye to a very abrupt halt, rather than letting the effect carry on for a while longer.
~®®§
I liked the basis and idea for this poem, but, could I critique the rhyming a little? (What's new?)
Okay, to start with the first two lines don't really rhyme even if you get rid of the plural issue. War and afar just really aren't rhymes, and I would suggest changing them in some way. Of course, that's assuming you meant to rhyme at all.
The next thing is;
"Call your allies, befriend your foe,
Yet before him, you seem to feel low."
I like the first line, but the second line seems to have a different ring and is perhaps, a little too long. I just felt that it interrupted the flow as I read it.
I don't know what I think of the end. It's amusing, but it may be a little out of place. You should really get other opinions on that though.
There may be some other trivial things that might make the flow a little nicer, and I'll be happy to look at this poem again once you've considered my suggestions. I enjoyed reading it!