Snow: The Tale of a Cold Heart (Prologue)

Hi there! I’m Fighta. Well, your writing style is certainly effective. I'm hooked.

Nitpicks:

"They have sent a bird, the Emperor demands that you stand down and obey his orders."
That comma should be a semi colon because those two sentences are independent.

"A day at the most Averence,"
There should be a comma after "most"

Those were the only things I found; your punctuation and grammar are excellent!

The dialogue was good; it flowed well and felt natural, while still representing the old-time-y world. It was fitting to the characters and nicely showed what's happening in the plot. Well done. Your description was beautiful and vivid. Everything was well-paced. The plot seems interesting and I will probably review the next chapters.

-Fighta

Hey Silverlock!

Well, I really like your effective, straight to the point reviews and I've actually had this piece open in a hidden tab for almost a week now. It's about time I get around to reviewing this. As well as the rest of this series. Although I didn't find too much to comment on in this prologue, so who knows if there would be any point in doing the entire thing. But we'll give it a go!

I suppose my main quarrel with this work is that it's written as a prologue. This could definately have served as the first chapter. I'm not a big fan of prologues, and I only view them as essential if they inform the reader of anything you couldn't tell us through the chapters themselves. This doesn't seem like that.

If the focus changes from Tallon to his family after this, and skip telling this battle and have it just serve as a backstory of his family and whoever from it might be the main character. Then, it could be a really interesting prologue. But as I said though, this doesn't seem like the case. I kind of get the feeling Tallon is the main character, but that may be because he was written quite well and I want him to stick around. I find him quite interesting and he made an impression, despite this being pretty short. Good!

I also really like the Greyar character. Old, loyal servant who stands by his master, even towards the end. We only have two characters so far, so I'm excited for whoever is next. They're very interesting so far.

Alright, I'll do a quick overview:

"Averence."

black army marched closer to destroying everything he had .

"A day at the most Averence,"

Balthazar must think that this is my last stand,

“Yes, every last man that you have is here defending this castle,

who aren't here are escorting your wife and children to safety.

Hey here to review ya
Wow this sounds awesome! I definitely want to carry on reading it..

I really like it in books when they use a short sentence at the start, so well done on that because it instantly caught my attention.
Also it's interesting that you use third person narrative, i sometimes find it doesn't work with most books because you cant really know what the characters are saying, but I will be interested to know how this one turns out

Trina

Hello, Zontafer here to review your work!

Joebot really got many points, as well the past people, so I'll focus on the things that are positive in this review.

Title: 'The Tale of a Cold Heart' really caught my eye as I looked through your portfolio for things ro review! It feels like it could also mean a few different things. For example it could be a cold heart as in not-caring[if that's a word), not feeling anything, or inhuman. I think you meant not caring though.

Sentence structure: Your sentence structure is well-developed, keeping the reader interested. Variation is something you've managed to keep up to in your work.

Not sure which category this should go under, but I think you did a smart move, writing down his thought in the way you did, almost in a pattern. It gave the reader a more... sort of connection to the character.

Dialogue: I liked how your dialogue went, giving a thought after/before many of your sentences. The beginning of your prologue was the part I liked best: 'They are coming' and the old man repeating 'Averence'.

I think overall that you had a great introduction to your story. I can definitely picture them talking, while the march is slowly marching towards them.

I hope this helped you, or at least helped you see what you're good at!

- Zontafer

I prefer to insert my thoughts into a work as I read it. All comments and edits will be inside of brackets. A [x] means I deleted something. If something starts with a [?] it means I have a question at the end.
Please keep in mind that this review is just my opinion. You don't have to take any of my suggestions.


- - - - -


Prologue:

They are coming.

"Averence."

The [x] breeze [was] cool against Tallon's face as he stood on [the] balcony [overlooking -the what?]. [Describe the time by the weather -- luminescent blue clouds under the moon is what I'm picturing]. He had been standing there a long time. Watching. Waiting. [Hmm. Maybe find a way to describe that. Maybe change it so that his cheeks had gone gone numb long ago from the cold?]

"Averence."

Tallon turned to face [his friend? Comrade?]. "Yes[x]?"

"They [x] sent a bird,[" his [relationship] Greyar said. ["T]he Emperor demands that you stand down and obey his orders."

Tallon sighed[.] "Balthazar never could take no for an answer." I am a fool, he thought. No man ever defied the Emperor[.] [It was unheard of.] [His family was already in danger]. Tallon gripped the railing of the balcony [and sighed].

My pride has made me a fool.

[Describe the weather first at the beginning.] [He glanced at the sky.] [The clouds churned overhead] [x] as the great, black army marched closer to destroying everything he had.

A fool and a failure. "How long before they reach us[x]?"

"A day at the most[x][.]" The old man shifted where he stood[.] "[T]here is still time for you to leave[.]”

Despite everything[,] Tallon chuckled. Too loyal for his own good. “You know that I cannot.”

Greyar [use a different expression, "pained" is a little cliche].

Tallon ran a hand through his wavy, brown hair[.] “I've told you[x], Balthazar [i]must[i/] think that this is my last stand, that I have nowhere else to run and that everything precious to me is here[x]. If I am not here then he will know that my family aren't either. We must delay him here so that they have enough time to escape.” [He paused. "Even if it kills me, I must do this."] [x]

At least they will live.

["Averance..."]

“You should be making your escape, Greyar[," Averance said. "]Why are you still here?” [x]

[It was Greyar's turn to laugh.] “[x no space]My place is with you Averence. I have [nothing to lose].[x]”

Tallon sighed [but] didn't try to argue[x][.] [x] Instead he looked [back out to the sheet of armored men that rapidly approached the castle].

“Is everything ready[x]?” [h]e [whispered.]

“Yes, every last man that you have is here defending this castle[.] [T]he archers, cavalry and footmen are all in place. The [others] are escorting you wife and children to safety.”

Tallon nodded slowly and leaned his forearms on the railing. “Good[,]” he said.

The wind [grew] stronger, [reminding Averance of the great sea gales he'd once known] [That was just a thought that jumped into my head, I don't know his history]. [H]is cloak [shifted][.]

I have made my decision, he thought, and now I must pay the price.


- - - - -


Alright then! I'll have more to say once I've read more, but you have a strong start. I'm excited.

Snow: The Tale of a Cold Heart (Prologue)
Heya Silverlock! It's Neverland here to review your piece.
I'd just like to point out like others before me did; You did amazingly for your first post!!

Okay so let’s start this thing! Your title!!! It caught my attention straight away! I saw the word Snow, and I was like 'Okay this has got my attention.' And then I saw the words The tale of a cold heart And well let’s say my friend next to me was surprised as to my excitement. She actually said to me 'Calm down it's only Tuesday we still have the rest of the week.' So yes I was captured by the very first instant.

Now to the rest of your prologue. You did an amazing job of keeping your reader intrigued, I couldn’t stop reading it, and it definitely left me wanting more. I couldn’t really find to many problems, a few spelling and punctuation errors, because without them we would be robots.
But there is one thing I did notice, you didn't put too much description, even though it is a prologue is should have a bit more description. Like what does Greyar look like, and what about Tallon? Actually, is Tallon meant to be like Talon?

Anyway over all I loved it, it's written well, good story line, nice cliff-hanger.

Good luck with writing. And I look forward to reading more of this adventure.
xx
~Neverland.

Hello, Rainbow Cabbit here! Merciless, you say? Don't worry, I am obsessed with prologues in a way. Overall, this is a pretty good story. You put good imagery with the ants and the soldiers. I love your character development. However, I feel as though you reveal a bit too much about the story. Your ending was good, but it could be better and more suspenseful. The ending of prologues and prologues themselves are very suspenseful and leaving the reader aching to read your story. Anyways, your piece was really good and good luck with the story itself! Hope I helped and not just nagged.

Hello! Welcome to YWS I'm super new as well, but if my experience is anything to go by, I think you'll really enjoy it.

In a couple of places, you need a few commas. For example, "Yes Greyar" needs a comma between the two words. Also, "You should be making your escape Greyar" needs a comma between escape and Greyar. Both of these areas need commas because you are addressing Greyar.

I'm not sure if this is intentional, but when Tallon addresses Greyar, he refers to his children. When Greyar addresses Tallon, he says child. If this was intentional, you're on to a very interesting plot.

Again, I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but I found the line "How long left Greyar?" to be confusing. Perhaps "How much time is left, Greyar?" would work better.

I really like you're story. You have very interesting character names and an even more interesting plot. You've done a good job at letting the reader feel Tallon's pain and internal conflicts, but as the story progresses, try to take a little time to describe the setting. I look forward to seeing more from you!

Hi, Cheetah here to review!

Your first piece you say? Well, I applaud you- it was very good!! You got me hooked on the first sentence, and I never, ever lost interest. In prologues it's good not to give away too much information so the reader is drawn in. You did just that wonderfully. I especially liked Tallon's thought process, it immediately helped us connect with the character and get to know him better.

There were only a couple really nit-picky things I saw:

"A day at the most Averence," the old man shifted where he stood, "there is still time for you to leave and make your escape.”

Tallon nodded slowly and leaned his forearms on the railing. “Good,” he said.

I have made my decision, he thought, and now I must pay the price.