z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Snow: The Tale of A Cold Heart (Part X)

by Snowery


“What are you trying to drag us into!” the man spat.

“You-you have to...” Jeffard gasped for air, “listen. The Emperor, he-”

The man kicked him again, this time in the gut. His companion kneeled close to Jeff's face and said, “These are dangerous lies you're spreading, boy!”

“Please – please, you have to understand...” The cobblestones underneath, ground into his back, digging into his worn shirt.

“All I understand is that the words you're speaking can get you and, anyone listening to you, hung for treason!”

“Leave our town! Leave! And don't come back!” snarled the first man.

“I'm trying... I'm trying to help you...” Jeff wheezed.

“The only thing you're helping us with is getting closer to our deaths! Do you even know what you're doing? What exactly you're stirring up?” The kneeling man leaned his head back and looked at the sky. “You're telling us to betray our Emperor! To work against him! Do you take us for dullards?” He looked back at Jeff and backhanded him. “Take this as a warning, to never ever come back to our town.”

“This lout would have us start a revolution,” muttered the standing man.

His kneeling companion nodded, “After so many years of civil war, we finally have peace within Liandor, and now you want us to overthrow the only man keeping it together?”

The standing man gave a bark of laughter, “He must be insane!”

“You don't remember the days of the king, boy. If you did the Emperor would seem like a saint to you.”

“The Emperor...” Jeff inhaled deeply, “he will ruin... Liandor.” The pain all over his body was terrible, his mind was beginning to cloud over. “He is... a tyrant.” He watched as the eyes of the two men widen in shock before exchanging a glance.

“You've gone to far this time, boy!” whispered the kneeling man.

The last thing that Jeff saw was the man's large hand approaching his face before everything went black.

***

Jeff awoke to the smell of hot stew and the feeling of aches and pains. He was lying on a... mattress? How did he get on a mattress? The last thing he remembered was lying on a road with a fist flying towards him. He had come to a major town to try and rally the people against the Emperor, but the crowd had turned ugly and the two men had dragged him off to teach him a lesson. Pushing himself onto his elbows, Jeff looked around the room he was in. It was wooden, but solid; a middle class family house? Leaning over the bed to look at the floor he saw that it was lined with a thin carpet. Definitely middle class then, maybe the house of a merchant, or baker or soldier?

The door opened suddenly, causing Jeff to start. A woman who looked to be in her mid forties walked in. She was tall, with an angular face and dark brown hair tied up in a bun. She was carrying a tray with a steaming bowl placed on top of it.

“How are you feeling?” she asked him as she came to give him the tray.

Jeff sat up properly and accepted it eagerly. “Thank you,” he said. “I'm okay, just a few bruises here and there probably.”

“I put some healing tonic in the stew, it should help with the aching.”

Jeff nodded as he shoved a spoonful of the stuff into his mouth.

“Don't eat to fast, you'll end up making yourself even more sick,” she warned.

Jeff nodded again, taking a smaller spoonful this time. He chewed slowly before swallowing and saying, “If I may ask, how did I get here?”

The lady raised an eyebrow. “You walked here,” she replied.

“I what?”

“I was in the crowd you had been talking to. When I saw the men drag you off I followed them. I'm sorry I couldn't help you then, but they were too strong, I could only wait and watch 'till they left. When they did, I shook you awake and guided you back here.”

Jeff contemplated what she said for a minute. “But I don't remember walking here.”

“You were extremely dazed. That last blow they gave you must have really rattled your head. When you came here you literally collapsed onto the bed and slept like you were dead.”

Jeff ran a hand through his hair and said, “Thank you but... why did you help me? Associating with me can put you in danger too.”

The lady shifted and cast her eyes down, as if remembering something unpleasant. “I have my reasons,” she said, “I'll tell you them later. For now, just rest and try to get your strength back. I'll run a bath for you, if you like?”

Jeff nodded slowly, “That would be nice. Thank you.”

With that she left the room and closed the door.

Can I really trust her? Jeff swallowed another spoonful of stew. What if she just wants to turn me in to the Emperor?

Jeff shivered at the thought, the Emperor was known to be far less then friendly with those suspected of treason, or even just speaking out against him. His fate, were he to be caught, would not be a pleasant one.

***

The fireplace roared in front of him, the heat slowly drying his hair. He watched as the flames danced in front of him; a swirling mass of red and orange hues.

“How are you feeling?” asked Ellisa as she walked into the room and on an easy chair next to him.

“Better,” he replied. “It hurts a lot less now.”

She nodded, “I added some healing herbs, they should have soothed your pains a little.”

“Why are you helping me?” He looked, into the flames. He had to be sure. He needed to know why she was on his side.

“My son-” she began. “He was... executed. By order of the Emperor.”

“Executed?” he glanced at her, she was staring straight ahead, eyes unseeing.

“Yes,” she whispered. “He had such a beautiful voice, my Lucair. But that meant nothing to such a cold monster. His father had gone to war and died for this Empire, and Lucair believed he had died a hero. That the Emperor was a man who loved his people and protected them. All he wanted... all he wanted was to sing for the imperial family, for the Emperor, but... ”

Jeff had fully turned towards her now, and could see the pain on her face and the threat of tears in her eyes. She swallowed and inhaled a ragged breath.

“But the Emperor has no love for music, for singing, and for that!” Her voice had been steadily rising as she spoke culminating on her final word.

“For that,” she continued softly, “he was killed. Executed. Stabbed and thrown out onto the street as a warning to any who dare disturb the Emperor's peace.” Ellisa was breathing heavily and her cheeks were wet, she turned toward Jeff and said, “Do you understand now? Why I saved you? Why I am helping you? That if you continue to stand against the Emperor, why I will stand by your side and by your cause?”

“Yes,” he whispered in reply, his voice raspy and weak. “Yes, I do.” He turned away from her and looked back into the fire. “But, I don't think I can do much to stop him. Wherever I speak, people are too scared to listen, let alone agree. And some of them actually think that he is a good man! There's no point speaking to an empty crowd.”

“No. No there isn't.”

He turned back towards her, surprised by her quick agreement. She got off her easy chair and kneeled next to him on the floor, looking him in the eyes.

“What you need is not a mob of angry people. You need strong connections, supporters, people who believe in your cause.”

“People like who?” He asked frustrated, “No one listen-”

“People like me.”

“Women?” he was confused, but she nodded in agreement.

“Women who like me have lost husbands, sons and fathers to the Emperor's quick hand. Women are everywhere, they are your best set of eyes and ears. You need youths whose parents have been killed or wronged. They will grow to become your most steadfast supporters and maybe even your warriors. You need the elderly who have seen far too much pain and death. They will be your advisors. These are the people you need for a revolution.”

Revolution. He had never really thought of it that way. All he had ever wanted was for people to see their beloved Emperor for the man he really was.

“That.. will take a very long time,” he said.

She nodded, “It will be time consuming and painstaking; everything must be done discretely. But he will be busy with the war, this is the best opportunity we have.

She was right, this was the best opportunity they had. They would spend time searching out recruits- or at least people who would listen, then spend more time convincing them and then possibly training them. By the time they were done, the Emperor would be knee deep in his war with Ascerai. Jeff smiled, because for the first time in a very long time things were beginning to seem... possible.


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Sun Aug 31, 2014 1:40 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Silver!

Happy review day!

It was about time you posted another chapter for us ;) I loved it! It's interesting to see how you tied things together so we have characters we never thought would be important coming together. Also, the idea of women, children and elders (who needs those men who would rather be safe after all?) coming together to be the army they need for a revolution is very smart. We don't know much about Jeff yet, but we do know he is determined, persistent and a strong character because he is continuing to spread the word even though it seems like a lost cause most of the time. You gotta admire someone like that ;) When it comes to this chapter, it has to be my favourite so far. As Birkhoff said, things are definitely starting to make sense! And that is the best bit ^.^

“What are you trying to drag us into!” the man spat.


That exclamation mark should really be a question mark seeing as this is foremost a question.

“I added some healing herbs, they should have soothed your pains a little.”


The thing about this is that she has already said that she has put in the healing herbs. So instead of having Elisa say it like she is explaining it for a second time, I suggest you make it as if she is simply referring to them for a second time. Like: Oh, it seems the healing herbs have worked. Or: It must've been those healing herbs I mentioned. Something that makes it clear the healing herbs are behind the help but is not explanatory.

One thing I would like to see more of is the setting here. Jeff has just been put into this house and he doesn't remember how he got there. I am not sure if there will be photos of her son (which she could be gazing at as she recounts her story) or if you can tell it's a more cozy house than big. Yes, you do mention the mattress and the floor and simplicity. But I feel like you could've put some ornaments in there or something that would reflect Elisa's character more. Dark colours for mourning? Things that normally a young man would have although Jeff can't see a young man present? Things such as these.

As for everything else, there isn't much else I can cover that hasn't been done already. This was a great chapter. Make sure you keep up good works like these ^.^ And post soon!

Deanie x




Silverlock says...


Thanks for the review!! :) I loved your last point about the description! You're totally right; will work on it! :D



Silverlock says...


Thanks for the review!! :) I loved your last point about the description! You're totally right; will work on it! :D



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Sun Aug 31, 2014 8:30 am
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ConfusedGlasses wrote a review...



Hey! Here for a review Silvy (f you don't mind me calling you that)!
So, I haven't read the previous chapters, of which there are nine more, plus a prologue. But I kind of like how this is going. Truthfully, this one chapter makes me want to read the others, and maybe I will. Are any of the previous chapters still in the green room? I'll just check that for now and move on. But I promise you that when the review day pressure is gone I will try and read the previous chapters.
I really like how the tension built up in the beginning.We didn't know what was going on, but the conversation kept us rolling and on our toes. And then, when Jeff wakes up in the merchant house and has a sort of flashback it doesn't seem even a bit off. I wish I could pull something off like that. Honestly.
But something that did seem off was how you put in Ellisa's name. And how she was just blurted out her reasons. Maybe it would sound better if she hesitated a bit before telling him. I do like the idea she came up with though. It's not everyday you find something like this.
Awesome chapter. Never stop writing. And let me know when you post again, okay?




Silverlock says...


Call me what you like! Thank you for the review! It's much appreciated :)



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Wed Aug 27, 2014 12:46 am
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birk wrote a review...



Hey Silver!

You finally wrote another chapter! I have really been anticipating this quite a lot. I'm not lying when I say that this series is my favorite of all the ones published here on YWS. I find it really noteworthy and well written.

This chapter, like most of your chapters, is really good. I'd say it's among your best so far.

What I believe to be the best aspect of this chapter, as well as others, is that you are giving this world a lot of life, in a way that seems effortless, which is very good. Reading through this series, I'm not just following the lifes of the big bad villains and the heroes and chosen ones, it rather feels like watching a world unfold. Though it's still lacking a lot of elements, this is quite a feat.

What I felt made this chapter particulary good, was the fact that it made a lot of sense. We follow this character we briefly saw in a previous chapter, and it makes sense to make use of this character as he has a very important point of view; he wants to bring down the Emperor, and he's the only one being vocal about it.

We see him enter a major town (a new place, I assume, seeing as the last place was a village), and gets beaten down by two loyalists. Unconscious and injured, he is rescued. By who? The mother of the bard we briefly heard about in an earlier chapter, who was in a bad standing with the Emperor. My first thought when I came to this part was; this makes so much sense!

It makes sense that the young bard would eventually perish at the hands of the Emperor and it makes even more sense that the mother would seek out the man who was trying to spread word of his misdeeds. A character that seemed to just be a throwaway suddenly has a whole lot of impact. As nothing is ever set in stone, this feels random and natural.

Lastly, while trying to ignore the origins of this new POV character, I have to say that he's easily just as interesting as both Tallon and Lia. To that end, he's the only one that so far has a plan: Revolution. As with before, it sort of makes sense that these are the kinds of people he would have to recruit in order to make an impact. These are the ones who have felt the wrath and he can reach out to.

If there's one thing I would want, and seeing as this is only his firs POV chapter, I'm sure it's to follow. But, I would like to know more about him. He doesn't have too much of a character yet, and I'm not even sure what he looks like.

Alright, I'll write as I go along:

Edit

The cobblestones underneath him ground into his back, digging into his worn shirt.
Added a word and removed a comma.

Edit
“All I understand is that the words you're speaking can get you and, anyone listening to you, hung for treason!”
You could do without any of these commas, but I'd remove the first one. In any case, it should have been placed before the 'and' instead of after it.

“After so many years of civil war, we finally have peace within Liandor, and now you want us to overthrow the only man keeping it together?”
The Emperor is currently planning to enter a war though. Their arguments here seem to have a few holes.

“You don't remember the days of the king, boy. If you did the Emperor would seem like a saint to you.”
Actually pretty interesting. It would be cool to know more about this.

Edit
“You've gone too far this time, boy!” whispered the kneeling man.
Quick typo.

Definitely middle class then, maybe the house of a merchant, or baker or soldier?
The entire introduction here to your second part, is really good. It's among the things that breathe life into this world. Getting to learn a little more and see more of villagers and their lives. I like it.

Suggestion
The door opened suddenly, causing Jeff to startle.

Nothing wrong here, but whenever I see this I just want to add two more letters to it. Just a personal twitch. ;)

Suggestion
“How are you feeling?” she asked him as she offered him the tray.
I feel this reads a lot better. And it corresponds better with the way you describes his actions.

“I put some healing tonic in the stew, it should help with the aching.”

Healing tonic? What is that? Bourbon? :D

Edit
“Don't eat too fast, you'll end up making yourself even more sick,” she warned.
Same grammatical error as before. 'To' and 'Too', remember the difference.

I'll run a bath for you, if you like?”

Ooh, sexy. (Dammit, Birk. What's wrong with you? O.o )

Edit
“How are you feeling?” asked Ellisa as she walked into the room and sat on an easy chair next to him.
Small edit.

“Yes,” she whispered. “He had such a beautiful voice, my Lucair.

I'm going to give you a lot of credit for this. At this part, I actually said to myself; 'Oh my god... it's the bard's mother!'

I loved the fact that you tied these things together. They fit so well. However... there is one thing I should bring up:

Here is a quote from my review of your fourth chapter, all the way back in the beginning of May;
I guess I'll see you in the next chapter. And I hope that bard makes a triumphant entrance!
Man, I totally didn't call this! :D

Edit
Ellisa was breathing heavily and her cheeks were wet, as she turned toward Jeff and said,
I'd add in this small edit.

The dialogue between the two of them at the end here is really good. And the way she explains what he should do is done well.

By the time they were done, the Emperor would be knee deep in his war with Ascerai. Jeff smiled, because for the first time in a very long time things were beginning to seem... possible.
Really good ending.

Alright, that's pretty much all I could comment on. As you already know, I'm in love with this story. Please keep it coming! ;)

There's very few story elements I would change. As far as this character POV, you seem to have a journey or goal in mind and I really like it. Your other POV's I'm not really sure where you are going with, but I'm really into it nonetheless. Your characters are still quite strong characters.

Very few grammatical errors in this one. Good!

Let me know when you post the next one. I remember you saying you had the outline for two chapters ready... so I'm waiting patiently.

Keep it up, Silver!



Cheers
Birkhoff




Silverlock says...


Birky!! (Or the Hoff XD ) thanks for another great review!! :) I'm glad things are starting to make sense now :) This story is actually a spin off of my "real, pet" story. I started mainly to improve my writing and to build my world, which is why the world building is so prominent and the plot a little flimsy :)
By the way:
Ooh, sexy. (Dammit, Birk. What's wrong with you? O.o )

XD She's like 20 years older than him. Though I do agree I might have put too much tension between them XD




A classic is a book which people praise and don't read.
— Mark Twain