Snow: The Tale of a Cold Heart (Part V)

Hai Silver!

Be prepared for a pretty pathetico review xD You've got some really great reviewers so I feel like I am clutching at straws here as I am reviewing fifth! But I will try my best! Another thing is, that you write so far there is barely anything to point out in the first place, which makes this super hard as well. I am glad that we got to know why he isn't the heir and how he is so good with a sword. I could understand why Tallon might've even hated Alitha at first, because jealousy is a really strong emotion. It drives people to do weird things, and I am curious to know if Tallon caved in to love the moment he saw her or if it was a longer process, grappling with his jealousy along the way. Especially as now it seems like he would do anything for his little sister as well! Oh, just a few questions I am looking forwards to having answered.

A small thing I noticed was that as they left the inn, the sentences turned into 'he did this' and 'she did this'. I know it's very easy to list actions, but when that happens it kind of makes the story side to things fall apart. If you look through the point when they are leaving, you can clearly see how it is happening. Change up the sentence beginnings here a bit more, and add some descriptions and other details to avoid it just being 'he' and then an action and then switch of person. Only to mix things up a bit and keep the style flowing together as the reader reads it!

Also, as readers we have barely touched upon meeting Markus at all. In fact, we've only seen him once and I find it pretty difficult to feel any sorrow whatsoever at the fact he is being left behind. But maybe you should give Tallon some more time to dwell on past memories or moments where Markus seemed more like the missing father to him than anyone else? Because then I think it would help us feel a bit more sad at the parting and also give that awesome emotion readers crave. I know, I am going on about emotion again, but with it this story could from great to, um, the greatest?

I wanted a bit more description when it came to the wraiths appearance as well. Did it seem to disspate into black mist when it disappeared or did it just blink out, all of a sudden. Perhaps the eyes are so huge and hollow, while the wraith is whispering they seemed to grow, two black holes threatening to swallow him in. I wanted to know more in some way, to make the wraith seem scarier and like a worthy opponent! I love how Tallon is still saying he is gonna protect Alitha even though she just saved him. But then again, what is an older brother to say?

Can't wait until I have time to read more! I am looking forwards to it ^.^

Deanie x

Hey Silverlock!

I'm back, once more, for what is so far the last chapter you have written. I see you stopped this series pretty abruptly in December, and I really hope you pick it up again, as I think it's quite interesting. At this point, it has my attention to such a degree that I could read through dozens of more chapters from this.

Again, I thought the lenght of this part was generally perfect (for YWS anyway). And the pace of how the story is progressing is awesome. When you have this many point of view storylines all connected around each other, it certainly keeps my interest.

Your characters continue showing solid personalities and I like all of them. In this chapter we get to know more about Tallon and his sister, Alitha. I loved what went on with them in this chapter, but I'll elaborate more on this later.

As with the previous part, I have less to comment on than I did in the first two-three chapters, but I still have some things I could bring up.

Okay, I'll write as I go along:

He shook her some more, then with his middle finger he tickled her ear.

The problem with was that it was surrounded by flat grasslands on either side.

during which few dared to venture past their doors.

Tallon glanced at his sister; she was still sitting idly on her bed.

Tallon returned to packing his bag.

He looked at Alitha and mouthed for her to follow.

“The Ambassador's boat from Alluria, which comes once every 7 years, 5 years from today.”

Holding his sword sword out in front of him, Tallon edged slowly towards it.

The wraith had its hands on his face now.

His sister stopped her heaving for a minute and looked at him. Exhaustion was written all over her face, and black blood trickled from her mouth.

Tallon's eyes snapped [open.]

It's time.

He pushed off his thin [x] blanket and swung his bare feet onto the [x] floor. [Don't use superfluous adjectives] He took a moment to breathe deeply and clear his mind. [Then he] looked [over at] Alitha[, snoozing soundly in her bed].

She won't like being woken at this hour.

Tallon shook his head [x] and quietly strode over to her. His sister lay on her bed, curled into a tight ball. Waking her was always a trial, since she was such a deep sleeper. He grabbed her by the shoulders and began to shake her[x].

No response.

He sighed.

“Ali,” he whispered[x]. “Wake up. We have to go.”

She [x] murmur[ed] [in] protest.

“Come on Ali!” he insisted. He shook her some more, then with his middle finger he tickled her ear. She choked on a laugh[x] and he clamped a hand over her mouth. “Shh,[" he said. "] We're leaving. Get your things.” He let her go and walked back over to his bed.

“At this time?” she asked. “It's still night!”

“I know, but we don't have any choice[,]” said Tallon while changing his shirt. He grabbed his tatty long coat and shrugged it on. “Grienden Road is too dangerous to travel by day.”

Grienden Road was the only direct route to Nordyire. [You are throwing too many names at us. You have spent at least four hundred words talking about geography, countries, routes and cities and I still have only a very faint idea of what this world is like. All of your words are so foreign that my brain can't associate them with anything so I can't even remember these things. I remember Clocktower, and that's about it. I would suggest either changing these events so they're in a more local area and repeated more often, simplify the names so they're easier to remember or at least highlight your important places and really pound them into the reader's head. Because as is, I just get a little more confused each time.] The problem with was that it was surrounded by flat grasslands on either side. This meant that they would be very exposed during travel. He had thus decided that the safest way was to go at night, during which few dared to venture past their doors.

“Markus said that there are worse things in the night[,]” she [said].

Tallon buckled his sword belt and slid his shield across his back. “I know, but I can't risk us being [recognized]. The Emperor has many eyes.” Tallon glanced at his sister[x] [who] was still sitting idly on her bed. “What are you doing? Get dressed and pack your things!” [x]

[She sighed.] “Fine[,]” she said.

Tallon went back to packing his bag. He made sure that everything was in place and that he had all his weapons strapped on before checking on Alitha.

“You done?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she replied. He turned towards her [x] [as] she [shrugged] on her long coat. Long coats traditionally reached a person's mid calf, but his sister's draped around her ankles.

At least it helps her pass for a boy.

He thought of all the fine clothes that they had owned back at Clocktower. Now that they were on the run, they had to dress as peasants. Markus had bought most of their current clothing[, most of them used farmclothes].

“I'm done,” said Alitha.

“You have everything?” he asked.

She nodded. [x]

“[Be as quiet as possible],” he whispered.

She nodded again. He grabbed his bag from his bed[x]. Then, quietly[,] he made his way to the door[x] and gently eased [it] open. It was hard to be stealthy in a creaky[x] old inn. [It would be best if you could establish our location sooner.] Tallon stepped past the doorway and motioned for his sister to follow. He tiptoed across the wooden landing over to the stairs. He had been dreading this. An inn wasn't an inn unless it had stairs creaky enough to wake the dead. He looked at Alitha and mouthed[,] Follow me. During their short stay[x], Tallon had done his best to [memorize] the least noisy path on the stairway. He just hoped that he would remember it well. [x]He put his foot down on the first step.

Silence.

He breathed a sigh of relief. [Alitha followed behind him, accurately following his footsteps. He continued down on his invisible pathway.] He put his foot down on the third last stair.

Creak!

Tallon froze.

He turned and looked at his sister. Her face reflected the panic that must have been plastered on his face.

[Okay, I don't understand... at inns, people come and go all the time. It should be a simple matter of leaving their rooms and disappearing into the darkness. You need to tell us why it's so paramount that they stay quiet. Did a pair of headhunters check into the room next to them the previous afternoon? Does Tallon think someone is onto them? Tell us why we need to be as stressed as the characters are.]

He swallowed and breathed deeply. [no new paragraph] The moments that you begin to panic are the moments you shouldn't be panicking. [no new paragraph] [That was a] lesson he had learned long ago[x].

Don't panic. He thought. Keep going.

He took another step.

Silence.

He quickly went down the rest of the stairs[x]. [I think it would be more plausible that his sister would be the one he worries about. She hasn't been practicing her steps.] He was now in the main landing of the inn, where the dining tables and common room were. The front door was within sight. He felt Alitha reach his side. He [x] smiled reassuringly. She look[ed] back at him sleepily. He frowned [and took her] elbow[,] [pulling] her gently towards the door. [If she's so tired, why didn't she make a noise down the stairs when even he had?] He twisted the knob and pulled. The door swung open easily. He pulled his sister outside with him, and closed the door behind them.

“Wait[," she murmured. "]Have you paid the inn keeper?[x]” [x]

“[x]I've taken care of that already[x][,]” Tallon [said. He] took [one] last glance at [the inn] and said his silent goodbye. [Why would he do this? He's only been there a few days. The audience has absolutely no attachment. Tell us why he feels the need to say goodbye. Better yet, develop a story first. You aren't spending enough time bonding the reader to the characters. Taking some time for a little side story would be okay.] “Come on. We've got a long way to go[x].”

***

The night sky was like a starry blanket. [What is the rest of their surroundings like? I'm assuming they're in a forest on a path. Anchor us. What kind of trees? What is the path like? Are there large boulders? Are they on a slope? Or is it fairly flat? Is it snowy? I don't know where I am.]

“Tell me again,” he said.

“Tallon, I've alrea-”

“Tell me!” he demanded.

His sister sighed irritably. “If we ever happen to be separated, I am to continue on my own to Nordyire. There I shall seek out The Amazing Fistina otherwise known as Lady Tirassana [You have so many names... you have the succession of Averences (and I'm still not totally sure who's the Averence) and then you had Tallon Sr. in the prologue and now Tallon Jr. here and characters that have full names and then nicknames that you switch between and then the names of servants and friends who either die or or abandoned for the rest of the work, and now you're giving us a (currently) minor character with two names? I'd say this is the tipping point. Simplify. You're confusing the audience more than we need to be.] who will assist me and give me a place to stay while I wait for the boat to come.”

“Which boat?” he asked.

“Tallon, I'm sleepy[,]” she complained.

He shook her shoulder[. He] couldn't afford to let her sleep. [He couldn't even afford to let her be drowsy.] Not on a road as dangerous as this. “Tell me which boat.”

“The Ambassador's boat from Alluria, which comes once every 7 years, 5 years from today[,]” she continued. “I am to wait until it arrives and declare myself as Averence to them. Hopefully they'll take me on board and grant me asylum. Can we rest now?” [Okay, so Alitha is the Averence.]

“No. It's too dangerous. We need to keep going.” [x]

Alitha sighed again. Tallon swung his head around for the umpteenth time to check if there was anyone following them. The road behind them was empty but he couldn't shake the prickly feeling that he had on the back of his neck.

They were leaving for Nordyire because it was far too dangerous to stay in Liandor. Even then[,] however[,] they would never be safe from the clutches of the Emperor. It was well known that he had spies even in the free countries. Things weren't looking good[x]. Their father was dead, their mother was in Rissen and now Alitha was wanted by the emperor.

Suddenly something caught his [attention].

Travelling at night might keep you safe from spies and bandits but there are other things that [wander] in the night. Much worse things.

Tallon hoped that Markus [had been] wrong[.] He would hate to encounter something that he couldn't kill. [Everything would be so much simpler if] Markus was with them now. [But] they had left him at Daston. [x] It would have aroused suspicion if he [had gone with them.]

He tried to get a better look at the thing, but couldn't see what it was. [Give us some idea of what it is that caught his eye. Is it shiny? Was it movement? Some sliver of color in the white snow?] He [nodded towards it]. She glanced at it, looked back at him and shrugged her shoulders. He unsheathed his sword [x] and pushed his sister behind him. [x] Tallon edged slowly towards [the shape, holding his sword out in front of him]. As he got closer he saw that it was dressed in a white robe and had long black hair. [Don't tell us that he sees this, he sees that. Tell us that as he approaches, the figure moved; black hair spilled out of a white cloak. Or something. We already know this is what the character is seeing -- by telling us this each time, you're denying us an experience of our own.] Tallon swallowed and edged closer still.

It turned towards him.

Suddenly he was looking at a deathly pale face with hollow eyes. [Again -- don't tell us what he's seeing. Show us.] Black blood trickled from [its] [no apostrophe when an 'it' has possession] mouth.

Absolute terror seized him.

“Wraith!” he screamed. “Alitha ru-”

The wraith flew at him. Tallon swung his sword, but it passed straight through. The wraith vanished.

“Tallon! Behind y-”

Tallon swivelled around and swung his sword. Again it passed straight through the wraith an it vanished. He growled in frustration, and looked around desperately for it's next attack.

[So with Lia you have a warlock and with Tallon you have a wraith. Are these just hurdles, or are they actually related? It's just a bit too repetitive without seeming consciously repetitive. If it being a wraith isn't important, I would switch the wraith to a warlock and mention later that the warlocks are under the control of the Emperor or something like that. Right now you're treating these evil magic users like wild animals -- creatures that wander the night aimlessly until they find a meal. At least let us guess why they're here.]

“Tallon help!” shrieked his sister. The wraith was coming at her. [Don't tell us the wraith is attacking her after she calls for help. Tell us before -- the wraith flew over Tallon towards his sister, or something similar. Blend the actions and keep us anchored in the scene.]

“No!” he shouted. [x] [Don't stop in the middle of an action scene to tell us stuff. Make the issue of Alitha being a magical beacon a concern from the very start. You can take advantage of the tension while providing information at a more appropriate moment]

Useless. Swords are useless right now.

The wraith vanished again [and he] cried out in frustration.

Suddenly [x] a coldness [slid] around his neck[x]. [This is a similar problem to "He saw x"... "He felt x." Saying they felt this or that is so much less dramatic than saying that this thing happened to him.] A paralysis overcame his body, [along with] a difficulty to breathe. [His ears were filled with indistinct whispers.]

“Tallon run! Don't listen to it!” cried a distant voice.

I can't- can't-

He struggled to lift his hands to cover his ears. He could see the wraith in front of him, boring into him with [x] hollow eyes.

No.

The whispering [grew] louder.

No!

He sank to his knees[.] His sword dropped from his hand [give us a better description -- did it sink into snow? Fall onto piled leaves?]. The wraith had [its] [again, a possessive 'it' gets no apostrophe] hands on his face now. [Describe the hands. Are they cold and bony? Disgustingly warm, leaving a wax-like residue on his cheeks?]

Suddenly there was a blinding, white light and all the coldness was knocked out of him. [Again, you're summarizing way too much. And then you shift into a memory/dream sequence with hardly any transition. Don't jar us.]

“I don't understand,” he said angrily. “I'm your son, the oldest and more than capable. Why?”

His father sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “It's the way it works, Tallon.”

No it isn't!” he protested. “All my friends are the heirs to their fathers. No one else is being succeeded by their little sister!”

“It's the way it works in Clocktower! The Averence is always the firstborn that possesses magic. Alitha has magic, and you don't.”

Tallon leaned against the wall of his father's study. [He flared his nostrils.]

“I'm sorry Tallon,” said his father[x]. “I know that you are disappointed, but you have to get over it. You are Alitha's closest male kin, and therefore destined to be her sworn Shield. That is why we sent you to Ascerai remember? To learn the art of the sword, instead of staying here to learn clockwork mechanics and diplomacy like an heir should.” [This feels like forced information. Tallon should already know this. Why is his father saying this? I would suggest altering that dialogue so that he's telling Tallon he wouldn't want to be a proper heir, as it's awfully boring.]

Oh Tallon remembered. He remembered the gruelling training that he had to face everyday, knowing all the while that his baby sister was where he wanted to be. Doing what he wanted to do.

“Understand Tallon,” pleaded his father. “You must protect your sister now.”



Tallon's head hurt like it had been pounded by a large rock.

Am I dead? he wondered. They had been walking down the road when they had been attacked by a-

Wraith! What happened to it?

There had been a sudden flash of light. Looking around he couldn't see the wraith, [describe the surroundings. Pine trees? Fingering ash trees? Is the forest dense or sparse? Covered in leaf litter or fresh soil?] which meant that something had driven it away. [x] A small figure crouch[ed] [some paces away, heaving into the x].

Alitha?

He tried to push himself up, but found his body unwilling to cooperate. He tried again[, only to collapse into the x].

I need to get to her!

He pushed himself up desperately [and] this time he stayed standing. He took a few deep breaths, and looked over to his sister. She [x] [retched] heavily.

It all came together then. The blinding light. The disappearance of the wraith.

She must have used magic!

He began to stumble his unsteady way towards her.

Oh Ali, you shouldn't have done that.

He could hear her now, he could hear how much it hurt.

Now you're going to be weak, and who knows who else saw that light.

He reached her and stroked her hair softly.

“It's going to be alright,” he whispered. “I'll keep you safe.”

His sister stopped her heaving for a minute and looked at him. Exhaustion was written all over her face, and black blood trickled from her mouth. [This is kind of a flat note to end on. Give us dialogue, give us something that rings in our ears. Black blood trickling from the mouth is dramatic, but it doesn't quite... work. It's not satisfying. You've left us in the middle of a scene in the middle of a mood. Wrap it all up.]

- - - - - -


Alright! Again, I think I put all my relevant opinions in the text. I will be honest, I can feel you dragging here. Chapter IV was by far my favorite -- I had that aha! and it left me wanting more. I could see the pieces fitting together and was starting to finally understand. It was exciting that things were finally starting to make sense. This sent me into another whirl of confusion. I think the big problem is that you're still throwing information at us -- information about the Averence, new locations, new people, new creatures. I highly suggest you try and clear most of this stuff up in your first few chapters. At this point in the story, I want to have a fairly clear idea of what's going on. I get what's happening in the moment, but I still don't have all the hows and whys. Why is the Averence so important? How does magic work in your world? Where are all these places they're going to? How does it all relate back to the other stories you've been telling? It simply didn't live up to the last chapter. I have a feeling you hurried on this. There were a lot of words that could have been corrected with a quick spell check. Heck, you first sentence was incorrect -- "Tallon's eyes snapped opened."
Even so, I'm gaining empathy for this set of characters. I'm still confused but it's getting better. I know I'm sounding harsh and I really don't want to come off that way, but your fourth chapter gave me big expectations. You can live up to them, I know you can. It's a good story, you just need to work at it.

If you ever need anything more, let me know. I'm a big bad nasty reviewer and I know this has been the worst I've given you so far, so I hope I'm still welcome to give you my thoughts as you upload more. Whether or not you want more of this, I'll be reading. -joe

Don’t overdo it with the adjectives. While you want to have enough to “draw” the scenery, having streams of “thin, scratchy” followed by a “cold, hard” in the same sentence is something to be avoided.

You tend to be a little repetitive. Not with words but meanings and similarly stated actions. Find a way to vary. For example they keep shrugging things on, once is ok, using it too many times makes the prose seem repetitive and it’s very easy to use different phrases/words.

“At least it helps her pass for a boy.” Use thoughts only when you want to present something you can’t otherwise or you want to underline something since thoughts tend to break up the flow of the narrative. This can easily be said like: at least it helped her pass as a boy. Different tense and no longer an underlined thought but a part of the narrative.

“He breathed a sigh of relief. He continued down on his invisible pathway. He couldn't hear”

He did this, he did that, he whatever, start sentences differently and vary their form. Having a stream of similarly sounding or constructed lines makes the prose drag or appear boring.

“Don't panic. He thought. Keep going.” This is a nice way to use thoughts. It underlines his panic and resolve to keep going, and at the same time creates a narrative pause in the flow of events as he stops from the sudden noise to gather himself.

“***” Only when a lot of time has passed or you transit between events you can’t really write a transition for. You can very easily write a short paragraph, a few sentences, to flow from them leaving the inn to them walking through the…. Forest? Where are they walking again? I understand there is a road and starts and sky, but what are the surroundings like? Is the town far behind them glittering with lights? Are they passing through a field that looks like a sea in the darkness? Are there hills all around hindering their view? What about animals? Scary sounds? A howling of a wolf? A stray dog, or a cat running past? See how many options I got from the top of my head to describe the scenery and add mood? Surely you can do better if you think about it. Every scene is important, and you need to establish the surroundings and the mood, preferably as shortly and subtly as possible, in order to immerse the reader.

“Suddenly” must die. Sometimes it’s good to use and create tension but the majority of times you can use something else and introduce the tension better if you think about it a few moments.

“Useless. Swords are useless right now.” No need for it to be a thought.

“I can't-can't-“and then “No.” A good way to use a thought.

Nice fight scene, thought it seemed a bit rushed. If you just establish the settings and mood a little bit I think it will become perfect.

Timmyjake here to give you a review.

I am truly dumbfounded. This is just as good or better than most of the New York bestsellers I have written. You have a writing style that is perfect. Enough detail for me to know what is going on, but not enough to bore me. And enough dialogue and thought for me to know who your character is like, even though I haven't written your previous chapters!
Usually on chapters such as these I nitpick the smaller things. But in this one... There isn't much! The one thing I think is that a few of your words are misspelled. But still, not very many misspelled words either.
The one thing I usually detest about fantasy novels is that the main character is always superpowerful. Eragon, Percy Jackson, the Kanes. They all are gifted with amazing powers... But your character has nothing, except his sword. And even that failed him. It makes me want to read on and on, because I am afraid for him!
Awesome!
~Timmyjake