z

Young Writers Society


12+

Snow: The Tale of A Cold Heart (Part VII)

by Snowery


Yes, this is a very rushed chapter. It's probably full of holes and mistakes :( Anyway, I'm dedicating this one to @Birkhoff for making me like this again and for giving Jeff a name :)

The whispering was endless.

They seemed to surround him, coming from all directions. Yet they seemed so close, in his ears and even within his mind. Tallon hadn't slept since he and his sister had left the The Prancing Gazelle Inn, and now his head was hurting as if multiple needles had been pushed through his skull. His ragged breathing echoed through the stables that they were staying in. His sister was curled into a ball next to him, sleeping peacefully nestled amongst the hay. He watched her with envy.

Snow was everywhere, they had no chance of making it back to their base. Tathin was injured and they were all starving and frost bitten. We're going to die, thought Tallon. We're all going to die.

The pain was unbearable and Tallon gripped his head tightly as if hoping that if it burst he would be granted some relief. His head didn't burst though, there was no relief and the whispering just got louder and louder until it was all that he could hear.

Jasper had lead the group back to their base. He was always the one who got them to succeed, to survive. Though it hadn't ended there, the next day and the next day and all the days after that were filled with brutal training, abusive trainers and the never ending fight for survival in the harsh Ascerian winter. Let me come home father, he would beg, in his letters, in his prayers and in his curses. Let me come home. Please, let me come home! However, every plea had been met with a hollow silence.

“Argh!” Shrieking Tallon stood up and ran to the stable wall. Maybe if he bashed his head in this would stop?

“Tallon!” The sweet sound of a child's voice resonated through his mind.

Alitha?

“Tallon, what's wrong? Are you hurting?” She was sitting up under his coat which he had made her use as a blanket. The look on her face seemed to contain mixed emotions of panic, fear and concern. Tallon tried to get his breathing under control, the pain had subsided slightly almost as if his sister's voice had sliced through the harsh whispering.

“I'm okay, Ali. Go back to sleep,” he replied hoarsely, making his way back to his sleeping place. His sister didn't do back to sleep though, instead she continued to stare at him.

“Ali, I'm alright really,” Except for the throbbing in his head. He gave her a hug, “Just go back to sleep, everything will be better in the morning. I promise.”

***

Tallon shook the farmer's hand.

“Thank you so much sir, for letting us sleep in your stables. We really appreciate it.”

“No problem,” replied the weathered old man. “Couldn't have you sleeping out on the road now could we?”

Tallon smiled appreciatively, he looked at his sister who was staring at the old man with a frown. The old man looked back at her curiously.

“Say, your brother has pink eyes!”

Tallon felt every muscle in his body tense, his mind on high alert. “Ah, no you must have been mistaken,” Tallon chuckled. “Everyone thinks that but in truth, my brother is slightly sick and for some reason it makes his eyes seem pink.” He glanced at Alitha before smiling at the farmer. “Thank you sir! And good day.”

The farmer continued to watch them as they turned and headed down the road.

“I don't like him,” said his sister.

“Why? He gave us a roof to sleep under didn't he?”

Alitha shook her head. “I don't... I don't trust him.”

Tallon tried to quiz her on why she felt this way, but his baby sister just stayed silent. It was far less cold further north up Grienden road. It was probably because they were starting to near Nordyire where it was always warm and never snowed. The scenery had also changed, from plain, flat grasslands to lush green farming areas filled with different crops. Tallon looked at his sister.

“Are you feeling better?” After she had used her magic to defeat the wraith she had been sick and exhausted. Even one as young and innocent as her had to suffer the consequence of using magic, she had vomited black blood for almost an hour that night. Whatever she did it must have been powerful because it was said that the more magic you used or the stronger it was, the stronger the side affects. Tallon had heard that the great sorcerers were able to control their vomiting, that they were able to almost “postpone” it.

“I'm okay, getting better actually.” She glanced at him. “How- how about you?”

Tallon grimaced, the pain had diminished to some extent but the whispering.. it was always there even if faintly. “I'm okay, bunny. Don't worry about me.”

He saw Alitha smile at his use of her pet name. He had given it to her after she came into possession of an albino mountain rabbit when she was six. She seemed to accept his answer for now and didn't prod the issue further. They continued to walk in a comfortable silence for sometime.

It had been some hours before Tallon thought that it might soon be time for a major rest break. They had reached a moderately sized village, and he wondered if they could get some fresh food to eat. He lead his sister past the houses with thatched roofs and the larger buildings like the school and general trade store. There seemed to be something going on in the town square, people were all crowded around a young man who was speaking passionately to them. Tallon positioned Alitha and himself inconspicuously behind a momentarily abandoned bakery and tried hear what was going on.

“People, can't you see?” The young man was standing on a large crate and his voice travelled throughout the hushed square. “He is a tyrant! He uses your goodwill and manipulates us for his own greedy purposes.” He looked across the crowed, and swept his arms in a wide arc. “You need to open your eyes! See him for what he really is!”

“Tallon.” whispered Alitha, tugging his coat. “Why are we here?”

“Shush, I'm listening!” he whispered back.

“The Emperor is a good man! And a fair ruler!” cried a male voice from within the crowd.

“He is leading us all to our deaths! The war with Ascerai will ruin us!” replied the young man.

“The Emperor's taken us to war before!” called out a bearded man. “And we came out victorious! He can lead us to victory again!”

“This time it's different!” protested the young man, waving his arms slightly to keep balance. “This time it's Ascerai, not Rissen! Rissen was large and filled with villages. It's armies were poorly trained farmers. Ascerai is the land of warriors! And what's more is the bridge-”

“The Emperor's business is his own, if he wants to go to war that's his problem. As long as it doesn't affect us.” called a man in butcher's wear.

“It will affect you! He'll bring up taxes to fund the war! He'll use up our food to feed the army! He'll-”

“Wait! You're Jeff aren't you? Jeffard, the silk merchant's son. Aye, I've heard about you goin' from town to town spreadin' your hearsays.” This time it was a rugged man who looked like a sailor speaking.

“It's not hearsay, it-”

“Shut with your lies boy. Aye, I understand now.” The sailor turned to face the crowd. “Of course he be hatin' on the Emperor! The Emperor taxes the rich as well as the poor doesn't he? Jeff here probably wants to see the old king come back.”

An angry murmuring rippled through the crowd.

“Taxing the rich wasn't the only good thing the Emperor did!” cried a lady in an apron. “He made Liandor safer too! Me and my daughters can walk around the streets at dusk and not fear a hair on our heads be harmed!”

The words “hear hear” could be heard amongst those standing. Tallon could see an expression of desperation forming on Jeff's face.

“Aye, that be true!” agreed the sailor. “He also made everyone equal before the eyes of the law. A beggar could go up against a noble and expect a fair trial.”

This time the cries of “hear hear” were louder and some in the crowed began pumping their fists in the air as they said it.

They have no idea, thought Tallon, about the monster he really is.

The sailor glared at Jeff. “Take your lies somewhere else boy. Most of us are happy with things as they are. What could we do anyway? Start a revolution? Replace the Emperor? Forget this nonsense. Go to your cloths and silks. We don't want you causing unrest here.”

There were shouts of agreement from the crowd and the people began walking away leaving Jeff to stand on his crate alone.Tallon was torn, he wanted to go to Jeff. He wanted to tell him that he was right, that the Emperor was a monster, that something had to be done, but he couldn't. He couldn't risk that someone might see him speaking with a possible enemy of the Emperor. He couldn't endanger Alitha's life for the sake of quenching his blood thirst. He took her hand and pulled her away from the village, and from Jeff.

“I thought we were going to eat!” she whined.

“We'll eat later!” he snapped. The whispering was getting louder again, and the pain was resurfacing. He just wanted to get away from this forsaken town, and from everything that had happened to them.


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1634 Reviews


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Thu Jun 19, 2014 9:11 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hi there Silver!

Oh wow, I read through this whole chapter and didn't feel the need to make a single note at all as of what could be fixed here. Which means I am going to have to dig really deep to find anything, and also means you have done a seriously awesome job with this chapter as well! I think we get to know a lot about Tallon here, and also get to see Jeff as well ;) I am sure Birkhoff liked that a lot! I am glad to see someone up there who is speaking against the Emperor, and I am glad you were realistic and had the people not believing him. More so, I am happy you had them listing the good things the Emperor has done a lot. Many people back something without reasons other than for the sake of the story. So great job here on covering everything properly.

As for feedback? I am sorry but I have next to none. We were never really told much about the whispers, just that it was causing him a major headache (funny, there is a story with a headache in it too which I was just reading :P) and I think it should be mentioned more because I was wondering things like, when did these whispers start? Are they forming coherent words or is it just mindless background noise? You don't have to give away all the game yet, but a little bit more information so it doesn't seem like the whisperings suddenly pop up, and you've got us informed but curious as well.

Hm, interesting past there Tallon. Someone has had a difficult time growing up :S

There really isn't much more to say here, so I am afraid this is really short! I just have one more chapter and then I'm all caught up...

Deanie x




Silverlock says...


Hopefully the whisper thing shall be elaborated as we go :) Thank you for another wonderful review Deanie! :D



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Thu May 22, 2014 11:43 pm
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Alchemist wrote a review...



Hello there, finally reached the last chapter written! xD

It might not be the place, but i hope you won't insert any more monster attacking travellers on the road parts becouse for me it is too much of a World of Warcraft. Unless there is a good reason further on. Thats basically only complain i have.

Other, small thing, i really like the way Jeff is calling to fight the emperor, the scene was strong, althought it was tiny cliche. The other, classical sailor was too much for me. I think you should decide one one of the cliches, if nothing, it doesnt have to be sailor, it could be any other profession that could have talked there.

I like your style, and how the story is going. Im confused a little bit, since Tallon the older was killed, aren't the ordinary people concerned about that? Since you gave alot of reasons why he was a good ruler. Or i got lost in the story a little bit? :P

I hope this is at least a little bit helpful,

-Alchemist




Silverlock says...


Hey Alchemist! Thank you for your review!
Well, I've never played world of warcraft before but no, there won't really be anymore monsters attacking on the road, I think there's been enough of that.
I had no idea that sailor's were cliche though. :/ *Note to self avoid sailors*
You're totally right about the Averence thing, I hope to answer more questions in the next chapter about him.
Your review was definitely helpful! Thank you so much for reading through the whole thing. I really appreciate it. :



Alchemist says...


Hey, just to make it clear, i didn't mean the sailor himself but the way he acted :) But its not really a big deal.

Btw, hope you keep writing it, i really like your story! :)



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Thu May 22, 2014 3:19 am
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birk wrote a review...



Hey Silver!

Yay! You posted another chapter in this awesome series. I'm really loving it so far. And in this one you even added a very special character. That is even more awesome.

What I really love about this series is how you have so many different plots and points of view going on. I never get tired of one of them and I like that I'll never know which character we are returning to. And heck, sometimes we get new POV. Really kicks things up.

In this chapter, what I mainly picked up on, was that your dialogue is very good! It is written well along with how you tell the story, scenes and the way you describe things. Aside from this, the dialogue is also believable. And the few places where you either have a character being cut off or has some sort of stutter, you write it very well.

As you continue this overall story, I have to say I think you move it along at a great pace. Things doesn't seem to be rushed at all, and there aren't any chapters or moments in them where I feel like things are going too slow. Good!

I'm also liking the relationship Tallon and Alitha. You portray it pretty effectively.

Not much else to say overall, so I'll just write as I go along:

Edit

Snow was everywhere, they had no chance of making it back to their base. Tathin was injured and they were all starving and frost bitten. We're going to die, Tallon thought. We're all going to die.
I'm unsure about this whole part. I would assume these were the voices in his head, but then why do you write 'Tallon thought'? I'd want to separate the two. Also, I changed 'thought Tallon' to 'Tallon thought'. I don't think I saw any of these in the last chapter, they annoy me. :D

Suggestion
His head didn't burst though; there was no relief

The semicolon is really underrated. I love it. There's many spots where it could be used and you could easily put one in here.

Edit
harsh Ascerian winter. "Let me come home father", he would beg, in his letters, in his prayers and in his curses. "Let me come home. Please, let me come home!" However, every plea
Good way to portray dialogue within these thoughts, but I'd put them in quotation marks.

Edit
“Argh!” Tallon shrieked as he stood up and ran


Suggestion
Tallon tried to get his breathing under control; the pain

Another awesome spot.

Edit
His sister didn't go back to sleep though,


Suggestion
“Ali, I'm alright really,” He assured her, despite the throbbing in his head.


Oh yeah, I forgot that they had to cut and color Alitha's hair to make her look like a boy. Neat that you bring it up again. Especially as I forgot. I like the angle though.

“Everyone thinks that but in truth, my brother is slightly sick and for some reason it makes his eyes seem pink.”
This line caught my eye though. Do you mean that he has some sort of permanent sickness, rather than a temporary one? Because if you mean temporary, the 'Everyone thinks that' line sounds a bit wrong.

Tallon had heard that the great sorcerers were able to control their vomiting, that they were able to almost “postpone” it.
I love everything about this. It's awesome.

Tallon grimaced, the pain had diminished to some extent but the whispering..
Wait, what pain? Did I forget something? And you're missing a dot! :D

Edit
a comfortable silence for some time.


Suggestion
Several hours had passed before Tallon thought that it


Edit
He led his sister past


Alright! Now we have arrived at a major turning point in the story: Jeff enters the fray! And he seems to be one of the few guys around who are able to see things for what they really are. I wouldn't expect anything less.

Edit
He looked across the crowd,


Edit
The war with Ascerai will ruin us!” the young man replied.

You actually have several of these going on. I've mentioned them before as well and I won't point out all of them here.

waving his arms slightly to keep balance.

Huh? Is he walking on a tightrope? I like his arguments though. They do seem valid. I'm interested in what he was going to say about this bridge though. Don't forget!

“Wait! You're Jeff aren't you? Jeffard, the silk merchant's son.

Oh my god. I love it so much. You even expanded on it and gave him a fuller name. And I even do this myself! I'll call characters named Ted for Tedward, guys named Bill for Billiam and so on. A+

Edit
were louder and some in the crowd began

Again?

He took her hand and pulled her away from the village, and from Jeff.

No! What? Poor Jeff. He is all alone. :(

Alright, that's pretty much all I've got. I really liked this chapter, it moves the story along at a brisk pace and their getting closer to that boat they'll be waiting for. Actually, seeing as this serves as the introduction of Jeff, I'd say I loved this chapter. ;)

Looking forward to revisiting the other characters. Maybe see what Lia is up to, or maybe even check out Emperor Balthazar again. Let me know when it's up.

Keep it up, Silverlock!


Cheers
Birkhoff




Silverlock says...


Hey Birky! Thank you for another amazing review and for sticking to my story! :)
I'm glad you liked Jeff's bit :) Especially the fact that I extended his name because I love doing that, I like how we have that in common :)
With the pink eye thing, it's an excuse Tallon made up on the spot so it's bound to sound a little iffy I suppose :P
Thanks again! I'll definitely try and incorporate your suggestions.



Silverlock says...


Hey Birky! Thank you for another amazing review and for sticking to my story! :)
I'm glad you liked Jeff's bit :) Especially the fact that I extended his name because I love doing that, I like how we have that in common :)
With the pink eye thing, it's an excuse Tallon made up on the spot so it's bound to sound a little iffy I suppose :P
Thanks again! I'll definitely try and incorporate your suggestions.




Goos are anarchists.
— WeepingWisteria