Snow: The Tale of a Cold Heart (Part I)

Hey Silver! I know this kind of late, but I need a first chapter review for my badge, so here we go. ^^

Okay, so I'm reading your chapter, and I'm kind of hooked. ^^
I keep on reading, when there suddenly comes this huge paragraph, counting twentytwo sentences. I recommend you to definitely split it up in at least three parts, as it's really hard to read + the reader gets disencouraged to read further on when they see it.

“Its me!” Called her father.

Hey again Silverlock!

Back for your first chapter. And this time it's a lot longer and I have much more I could comment on.

Well, it appears that your story is told through several points of view. I really like that.

I initially thought this was Tallon's family, as that would make a lot of sense. But as the father comes back into the story, you don't name him as Tallon. In fact, both the father and mother seemingly dies here in a last stand, so I guess that's out of the question.

So with that said, I have problems finding anything at all that connects it with the prologue. But, as stories evolve as they go by, this doesn't necessarily matter. Not everything needs to be addressed or answered right away. I think I'll just watch the story unfold as I read it now and review each chapter by itself.

So then, I'll write as I go along:

Edit

turn the pages of the book that she was trying to read.

“Its going to snow soon,” her mother announced quietly

uncomfortable sitting all alone in the freezing stables.

“No,” her mother said firmly.

“Its going to snow soon.” Lia's father declared as he closed the front door

company except for Emer and the rabbits, but it was a fair enough

Jallon was always bustling and busy . The streets were crowded and noisy.

“I've sealed everything down,

Now I might not even get to see the snow... Lia thought to herself.

“Do we really have to go?” Her mother's voice.

“Yes, we don't have a choice.

too dangerous too stay here,” her father replied.

I would have loved to let Lia stay for the snow season

She pulled on her soft, but sturdy leather boots and

“Help me,” her mother commanded.

“This,” her mother interjected, “is why your father chose this house.

“Its me!” Her father called.

He looked at her mother and Lia saw a look pass between them.

move the bed back into position, trapping her underground.

I prefer to insert my thoughts into a story as I read it. All edits and comments are inside brackets. A [x] means I deleted something. If something begins with a [?] it means I have a question at the end.
All of this is just my opinion. You don't have to take ANY of my advice.



The fire crackled ferociously [oooh, I like that] as [a] storm raged [x] outside. Lia [kneaded] her hands [x], trying to [pull warm blood into her fingers]. [x] She sat [at the edge of] the fireplace[, tendrils of heat licking her face]. Her hands were so numb from the cold the she couldn't even turn the pages of the book that she [had been] trying to read.

“Its going to snow soon,” [her mother announced] quietly as she came and sat next to Lia[.] [She offered a mug of steaming brew.] [x] “Here,” she said, smiling as she handed Lia a mug[.] “[T]his should warm you up.”

Lia [graciously] accepted the mug [x] and took a sip. It was beautifully hot[ [x], [spreading heat from her belly out]. “[It's] good[,]” [Lia said quietly.] [x] [She wrapped both hands around the mug.]

Her mother smiled[x]. “I knew you would like it.”

Lia [x] drained the mug dry, the drink leaving her body tingling and warm. Her mother [x] had a way with herbal concoctions. “I hope it really does snow soon,” [Lia] said with a sigh[.] “it'll be the only good thing that comes from this gloomy weather.”

Her mother chuckled and stroked her daughter[']s [golden] hair[x]. “You hate it because you cannot go riding on Emer into the woods and run[x] around [in] the meadow playing with the rabbits.”

Lia smiled wistfully at the thought of riding on Emer. Her poor horse must be so uncomfortable sitting all alone in his freezing stables. He was [x]a beautiful horse too. Emer was as golden as Lia's hair and had eyes the colour of emeralds. [I can't say I've ever heard of horses with green eyes. It's almost a scary thought...] When her father had seen him for sale at a [x] market [one spring/other season,] he bought him on the spot with [Lia] [in] mind.

“Can I go [check on] him Ma?” [s]he asked[x].

“No,” said her mother firmly. “Your father will check on him when he comes home and [stables] Babor[x].”

Lia sighed again and reluctantly went back to her book[,] [x]thoughts still on Emer.

***

“Its going to snow soon[,]” [x] Lia's father [declared,] [stepping into] their little cottage. [His voice filled the house with a different kind of warmth.]

Lia's mother smiled [gently][.] “Really?”

“Yes,["] [he said, setting down his bag.] ["I think] we're going to have to move back to our house in Jallon. [They say] the snow gets heavy around here[.] [x] I don't want to be caught in [x] it.”

Disappointment washed over Lia. [no new paragraph] She had liked living here on the [mountainside]. It was [x] peaceful [here,] and amazingly beautiful. The woods [and marshes] [felt full of treasures]. [x] She did get lonely from time to time[x] [,] but it was a fair enough trade for the serenity and [x] the adventures[x]. The idea of [returning] to Jallon made her [heart sink]. [The city was] [x] bustling and busy. The streets were crowded and noisy. The people were stuck up and nosy and the girls her age all dressed in whatever bizarre manner was fashionable at the time. [But] Lia knew [x] that it was useless to argue with her father. Once he had made up his mind to move there was no changing it.

A clap of thunder sounded above them. [no new paragraph] Lia's mother gave her husband a worried look.

“I've sealed everything down, the house and stables should be safe. We'[ll] [move] as soon as [it's safe],” he said.

Now I might not even get to see the snow[,] thought Lia.

***

[She] awoke to the sound of murmuring voices. [She had fallen asleep] in front of the fireplace [and now as she crawled back into consciousness, she could feel carpet/wood marks pressed into her cheek.] [x]Her parents['] [voices] quietly [leaked] from the kitchen.

“Do we really have to go?” [h]er mother [murmured].

“[We have no choice][," her father said. "]They know who I am [and if we stay here, we'll all be in danger[.]" [x]

“Lia loves it here [though,][" her mother pleaded. "]I love it here and I'm sure you do too. Surely it [will be safe enough][x] once the snow season begins.”

[Her father gave] a frustrated sigh. “I know how you both feel. I would have love to let Lia stay [x] since she's never seen the snow before[.] But I j[x]can't risk it, Yngrid. I'm sorry.”

There was a silence and Lia heard her mother murmur her agreement. [Lia debated getting up, but] the fire was so warm. [She] felt her eyes slowly beginning to close.

Maybe I'll nap for a few more minutes.

Her eyes [x]shut, her breathing [x] steadied and she could feel the beginnings of a dream wrapping around her mind like a warm blanket.
[Then suddenly she] [bolted] upright. Was that a screech? From a bird? [x]She [x] pushed herself off the floor and was picking up her abandoned book when her father came into the room.

“Did you hear that?” [h]e asked.

Lia nodded, [x] fully awake.

“Mountain hawk,” he stated. “We're leaving. Now.” [He hurried] [from] the room.

Lia no longer had any qualms over leaving. A mountain hawk only meant one thing. They had been found. Lia knew the protocol. Go to her room and get the bag. Change into something more practical for a journey and most importantly: darken her hair. She knew that her mother would doing the same. If they were going to be on the run, having golden hair would be like [a flag]. [She] went straight for her wooden vanity desk. On it, always within easy reach, was the jar of darkening cream. It was another of her mothers herbal creations[, a sweet smelling infusion of] bark, roots and leaves[x]. It had taken her mother years to perfect it. [x]Lia scooped a handful of the stuff and massaged it through her hair before giving it a good comb through. She glimpsed herself in the mirror but didn't [bother to look too closely][.] [x] In a couple of hours it would [look entirely natural]. She slipped out of her dress, [pulled] on a pair of britches and a shirt[x][, slipped into her smooth leather boots] [and] grabbed her deep indigo [x] long coat[x] [and wrapped her heavy fur cloak around her shoulders]. [x]She took two steps towards her door before turning around for a final look. The rows of logs that made up her walls, the window that overlooked the lake outside, the wooden vanity that her father had made [ax] and the books that lined her shelves. How she would miss the books! Her mother used to write her stories [x] of her homeland and draw delicate and beautiful illustrations to accompany them.

Only take the bag.

An [ache] began to form in Lia's chest[.] She would miss this place so much.

I won't [x] get to see the snow...

[With a decisive jerk, she] grabbed her bag and [left] her room.

“Lia!” her father's shout made her start. “Come on-” There was a crash and bang. [She heard the doorframe snap as the door collapsed and heavy boots pounded on the floor.]

They're here. We're too late.

She [ran] towards the living room where the sound [came]. [x] She could see black clad strangers crossing swords with her father[.] Her mother had her sword drawn as well but her father [warded the men away from her]. Panic [x] surge[d] through [Lia][.] [She drew on her] [x]years of training and practi[c]e [to keep calm]. Her mother spotted her and [rushed from the room,] [x] [pulling Lia] towards the master bedroom.

Bedroom? Aren't we supposed to be escaping? Shouldn't we be getting the horses ready for when Pa comes?

[x]Lia's mother shut the door and locked it. She made her way to the bed and began to push it to the side of the room.

“Help me[!]” [her mother commanded.]

Lia came to her side and [pushed against the sturdy frame]. When they [cleared the bed to the other side of the room,] Lia's mother knelt on the floor and [felt between the boards] with her hands. [She lifted] [the wood planks and revealed] [x] [x] a trap door.

“What-” Lia began.

[x]"Underneath is a tunnel that runs out far from here. [Go.]” [x]

Lia peered inside but only saw darkness. [Her] mother grabbed her bag and threw it into the [x] hole. Her mother was about to throw her own bag in when [they heard a boot slam against] the bedroom door. [They] froze.

“Its me!” [c]alled her father [from the other side.]

Lia's mother [c] opened the door. Her father [loped in, hair swept to one side]. [x] “[I've taken care of the first group,[" he gasped. "But] [x] more are coming. [We have to move fast.]” [A look passed between him and her mother].

“Lia get [into the hole,]” [x] her father [demanded]. Lia obediently [edged into the hole, allowing her legs to hang].

“Just drop yourself in,” he said.

[Her instincts screamed but] she did as she was told[.] [She hopped down and fell about five feet, immediately] engulfed [in] darkness. The [streamed] from the room above [x].

Shouts sounded from the front of the house. [x]

“[T]ake this,” her mother [said,] [handing] her a [x] small[,] [x] heavy bag[.] [Her mother reached into her sheath. “[A]nd [also,] this[.]” It was her [x] sword.

What?

[Lia's eyes widened]. [x]

“No!” [s]he shouted[. She pushed] the sword away. ["You have to come with!"]

“Lia[, I am your mother],” [her mother said]. [She forced the hilt into her daughter's hands.] ["I first protect you."]

More noises [came from the living room.] [Men had entered the house.]

Her father pulled off his [heavy gauge] ring [x] [and passed it to her.] “I love you Ylianna[.][x] I am so sorry.”

“Pa don't-”

“I love you Ylianna.”

“Ma please!” [x] Lia [sobbed][.] Her father [gave her one last glance and then] shut the trap door.

There was banging [from above].

“I love you both!” [Lia] cried out. [The darkness was complete.] [x] [She heard the boards slid back into position over the door. She was trapped.]

Lia was left standing there, alone, with nothing but darkness for company.


- - - - -


Yeeessss! This is very good, very good! I'm excited to read more.

I want to bring a couple things to your attention. First, you say "came towards" and "began to" often. In most cases, those could be cut. It contributes to a passive voice and weakens the reading. So instead of,
"Began to come towards the living room" you have, "Entered the living room." It gives a greater sense of immediacy and pulls the reader into give them a more vicarious experience.

Secondly, you aren't formatting the punctuation with dialogue quite right. There's several good websites that explain it, but I find people understand it best if they just pick up a book and compare dialogue punctuation themselves. It's only minor capitalization issues and problems choosing between when to use a comma or a period. Nothing too major, but still incorrect.

You have strength in tension building and imagery which makes the writing very powerful and compelling. Kudos.

As for the overall storyline flow, I personally would start the story with this chapter and not what you have as your prologue. The prologue is tense and mysterious, yes, but readers tend not to care about those things until they know the characters and the stakes. I'm guessing that the man from the prologue is Lia's father and that he's the one who's going to be facing that army. And while I'll admit it adds more tension, at the same time it diffuses some. To an extent, I know what's going to happen. The father and mother don't die here, and I'm guessing they must have noble blood. But if you make this chapter the official "start," I'm just entering the situation. You begin it well, introducing Lia and her mother and giving us a brief but vivid glimpse into her father. I'm invested and curious. By the end, I don't know if her mother and father are going to live, I have no idea why they're being hunted down, and I'm curious what's special about Lia's golden hair and the family heirlooms -- all these things give you a powerful introduction. In my opinion, the prologue is undermining all of that. Just my thoughts.

Anyways, I'll be starting on chapter 2 soon! Very promising so far!

Wow what a great start to story I love the direction you seem to be going with this story my only qualm is the lack of resistance from lia in terms of being cool calm and collected this dosent seem like the normal reaction for a child. This could be intended I guess and in that case leaves me with the question, why has and how has she became this way
Good story by the way anxiously waiting for the next chapter

sorry I posted this twice I wasn't sure you receive this if it was down as a reply

I love this! You really hooked the reader in, and I can't wait to read more! I think everybody below commented on what I was going to say. Just fix a couple of the run-on sentences, and you're basically good to go I'm excited to see more! Awesome job

Lovely hook. I really sympathized with Lia's character, and I especially felt bad at the end. Your descripitions were so beautiful and fluid! I could picture myself at the scene. Perfect imagery. Although it would help to give a better physical description of Lia, her eye color, height, or maybe she has freckles?

Another thing, your grammar is good, but you have a couple run-on sentences.
Good job with this.

Hey, Flame here!

First of all, AMAZING descriptions. Not too elaborate, not too simple, not too choppy. Your beginning got me hooked; I could tell right off the bat that you're an amazing writer, and you have some handle on storytelling! There were a few grammatical mistakes, but all were easy to fix...I'll just remind you to insert commas before people's names when addressing them, as well as checking that the first letter of speaker's tags is lowercase.

Again, wonderful word choice, and you were very fluent throughout. However, some sentences are too lengthy--phrases crammed together under leaky roofs. Try to choose clarity over variation sometimes. You're not the kind of person whose top goal is impressing the reader with great vocabulary, although I know you're capable of using great vocabulary , but simplifying a clause or several can make a paragraph look less awkward.

For instance, in this sentence "Her hands were so numb from the cold that she couldn't even turn the pages of the book that she was trying to read", we know that she's trying to read the book if it's in her hands. An alternative: "Her hands were so numb that she couldn't even turn the pages of her book."

I hope that I wasn't too nitpicky. You're off to a great start here; I can't wait to read more!

~Flame

Hi Silverlock! Cheetah here to review for you today!

Oh. My. Gosh. I love this. Please, please don't ever abandon this story. You really have something here and you've treated it just the write way. Your dialogue was amazing, your plot looks great, your grammar was perfect, but the best thing by far was your description. I know there's good description when I see places I've never been or heard of. When you described the hillside I was seeing the most beautiful place ever, and it really helped me understand why Lia didn't want to leave. You've only shown me your first chapter, but I'm in love with this.

Funny actually, I only saw one nit-picky thing.

Lia awoke to the sound of murmuring voices. She was still lying in front of the fire place.

0.0 WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!!! I absolutly enjoyed this. It is exciting and adventorous, something I love. The only thing I have to say is that perhaps you could have explained maybe what Lia looks like other than blonde hair. I like to be able to visualize the charachters. But, I was able to visualize the actual scene perfectly, so amazing job at that descrption. My favoite section is where it says:
The fire crackled ferociously as the storm raged on outside. Lia rubbed her hands vigorously, trying to get her circulation moving as she sat on the floor by the fireplace. Her hands were so numb from the cold the she couldn't even turn the pages of the book that she was trying to read.
Immediatly I felt that I was there. Well done.

Oh my god! I loved this! PLEASE write more! It's an amazing story.

In all, there was really nothing I would change. Maybe have her bring her horse, but that's because I'm always too attached to animals. I also liked how she was left, abandoned. It kind of gives that orphan-vibe, while you still had parents in the beginning.

-Frosting