The darkness was suffocating.
The tunnel walls seemed like they wanted to close in and squeeze the life out of her. Lia felt like she could barely breathe. Like she was drowning in the darkness. Every step that she took was one closer to insanity.
After her parents had trapped her in the secret tunnel Lia had just stood there. She had stood shocked and not knowing what to do. Then she heard noises coming from the bedroom above her. She heard swords clashing, feet stomping and people shouting. Tears had sprung to her eyes and she couldn't stand it anymore. She ran. Lia cursed the coward inside of her. She hadn't wanted to listen to her parents' suffering so she had run. She abandoned them.
I'll find help, she thought desperately, I escaped so that I can find help.
The hunger in her stomach was starting to burn. The bags that she had brought from home contained food along with the ration packs she had found scattered along the tunnel. She was sorely tempted to eat something but didn't know how long she would be on the run. Lia sucked a breath in and pushed on.
A gust of wind blew against her face.
That feels good.
The tunnel had been strangely humid and Lia was dripping in sweat. It had been a while since she had been forced to remove her cloak and carry it instead.
Another gust of wind blew against her face.
How unusual.
Then it hit her. A gust of wind! The exit must be near! She started to run. A part of her was grateful that the tunnel was large enough to stand in, lest she had to crawl.
Thud! Thud! Thud!
The sound of her running feet echoed throughout the tunnel.
Thud! Thud! Thud!
Lia ran. She tripped. She got up and continued running. Suddenly, she encountered something strange. Something foreign. Something she hadn't seen in a long time.
Light!
It was faint but it was real. The end was near. Lia could feel it.
Thud! Thud! Thud!
Round the corner.
Thud! Thud! Thud!
Thud! Thud! Th-
Sunlight streamed from the opening in front of her.
I found it!
Lia ran outside, laughing hysterically.
White. Everything was so white. White smothered the ground. White covered the trees. White fell from the sky.
SNOW!
Snow! Lia laughed. She spread her arms and spun around. She stuck out her tongue and caught the fragile flakes in her mouth. When she was dizzy from spinning she sunk to her knees and buried her hands in the wondrous snow.
"It's snowing," she whispered. She grabbed handfuls of the stuff and threw it in the air.
"It's snowing!" she shouted."It's snowing! Look Ma! Its-"
Ma...
Pa...
In an instant Lia's elation disintegrated.
"Ma," she whispered, "Pa."
Tears streamed down her face. Her chest heaved as she began to sob violently. She had finally seen the snow but her parents weren't there. They might be even be dead. They had given up their lives so that SHE could live. The pain inside her was bordering unbearable. She was crying loudly now. Only, it was so cold that the tears were freezing on her cheeks. It was so cold. So col-
Something inside of her snapped.
What was she doing? Sitting in the snow? Sobbing her heart out waiting for those people to find her? What if her parents were alive? What if they were waiting for her to come and help them? She had to get up. She couldn't waste the opportunity that her parents had given her. She dashed away her tears with her palm. She had to be strong. For her parents. Lia forced herself up, sucked a breath in and pushed on.
***
Lia was losing her sense of direction. Her father had left her instructions but they were useless. Everything was white and covered in snow, consequently everything looked the same. All she could do was use the sun to determine which way was north. Jiandri's Teeth was a great mountain range south of Liandor forming a natural border between it and its neighbouring country Ascerai. Therefore to escape the mountain, Lia had to go north. It was much warmer in the north. North of Liandor was Nordyire, where it was so warm it never snowed. Lia glimpsed the tower clock which she had been using it as a landmark. The monumental structure towered above everything else, almost always in sight. It was actually quite beautiful in an odd and eerie way.
A bird screeched overhead.
Lia threw herself to the ground. She looked up to see that it was only a peregrine. Peregrines were often used as messenger birds by the mountain people. Lia sighed in relief. She sucked a breath in and pushed on.
Hours later, Lia was trekking through an open field of snow that had once been a meadow. A chime sounded from the tower clock. She looked at its huge open clock face.
12:56? It should be well past four now.
Another chime.
Lia paid it no heed and walked on.
Another chime.
Lia kept walking.
Then a man began to scream.
"The... ence... dead."
The tower clock was too far for Lia to hear what the time keeper was saying. Gusts of wind were also blowing some of his words away. Lia could only tell that someone had died, but who?
"... the Clock... eeper of ti..."
Lia strained to catch his words.
"Tallon... Darr... ied... time... stop!"
Tallon Darr? The Averence? Dead? How-
Suddenly the man jumped from the tower clock and plummeted to his death.
***
Lia had lost all sense of direction.
Since she entered the dense wood she had lost sight of the tower clock and could barely see the sun. Then the blizzard started. It had raged on and on and on. Lia had begun to wonder if she had died.
Is this what death looks like?
Snow was billowing from everywhere. Only her thick, fur cloak was keeping her from freezing to death. If the cold didn't get to her first then she would probably die of starvation. She had last eaten hours ago. It wasn't that she had run out of food though. There were still rations inside her bag. The problem was that her confounded fingers were so cold and numb that she couldn't undo the buttons that held it closed. It seemed sadly ironic to her that she should starve while holding a bag full of food. If she didn't starve she would probably trip and hit her head on something. In all this snow she couldn't see past her frozen nose. She just kept stumbling blindly through the forest sometimes grabbing onto tree trunks for support.
I must be strong. I have to find help for Ma and Pa.
The thought of her parents was like a weight on her heart. Lia had strapped her mother's sword onto her back and had threaded her father's ring onto a string so that she could hang it around her neck.
You are the last of my line.
Her mother's words echoed in her mind. Beline Yngrid Sirafell of House Thistle was Allurian by birth. The Allurian Isles were situated south east off the coast of Liandor and were famed for their fabled beauty and richness in magic. However Allurians generally kept to themselves, preferring not to leave the wonders of their homeland or engaging in politics with countries from the Continent. This had given them an almost mythical quality amongst mainlanders. Lia herself had never been to the Isles before. Her father's job had meant that they were always on the run. She had inherited her mother's Allurian hair, which was a curly, honey gold. She had also inherited her mother's tall height but her father's brown eyes and pale skin. Lia and her mother were the last of the Beline line of the House Thistle. Allurians traced their linage through the female line and put their family name in before their first name. It was a system many mainlanders couldn't understand. Beline Ylianna Sirafell of House Thistle was Lia's full name where Beline was her family name from her mother's side, Ylianna was her first name and Sirafell was the name of her father's House. Lia's mother had said her father had been hopelessly confused with her naming when she was born.
The wind howled and screamed. Lia was exhausted. She was hungry. She needed to rest. She leant her back on a tree and breathed in deeply. Icy air burnt her lungs.
Maybe I can just sit for a while.
She slid down into a crouch. Her eyes threatened to close. Her mind begged for sleep.
No!
Lia kept her eyes opened and looked around. It was white everywhere. Snow everywhere.
What's that?
Lia saw something out of the corner of her eye. It was a figure in a black cloak. It stood still in the storm unaffected. Lia tried to get a better look from where she was sitting but it had its back towards her. Lia looked around, there was no one else here but them. She looked towards the figure again but it was gone. Lia looked around her desperately but saw nothing. Had she imagined the figure?
I've lost it. I've finally lost my mind.
Lia buried her head between her knees. She had finally gone insane.
Keep it together! Shouted a voice inside of her.
Get up Lia. Get up!
Lia lifted her head and saw the figure standing right in front of her. She screamed and reached behind for her sword. She could see its face under the cowl of its hood. It was wrinkled and deformed. Its mouth seemed to hang open and its eyes were a void of empty blackness. Her fingers wrapped around the hilt of her sword and she pulled desperately. Her fingers were numb and her position was awkward. The sword wouldn't budge. The figure had been gliding closer and suddenly flew towards her. She let go of her sword and rolled away in an instant. She scrambled up and pulled at her sword again. Now that she was standing it came out easily. The figure flew at her again. Lia swung her sword but the figure vanished.
Warlock, she thought.
She looked warily around her.
Just then it swooped from her right. She swung desperately. The warlock vanished again and reappeared on her left. It waved its left hand and a force slammed into her sending her flying. She crashed into the ground.
Left hand. Just. Need. To cut. Left hand.
Lia was breathing heavily as she tried to get up. She remembered all her mother had taught her about magic and warlocks. Warlocks had a tendency to use a particular hand to implement their magic. If she put it out of action then she could gain a few seconds advantage. With a renewed strength, she looked around for her foe. In an instant it was upon her. She threw herself to the ground beside it but as she fell she clipped its left arm with her sword. Lia raced to get up and watched in satisfaction as the warlock found its left hand immobile. She smiled inwardly. Something that most didn't know about Allurians was that the women tended to poison their blades. The scabbard's inner surface would be coated in a thick, sticky poison which generally would paralyse their opponent.
The warlock shrieked in rage.
It leapt towards her. Lia braced herself and thrust her sword towards it. The warlock ran straight into her sword and impaled itself. She let it fall to the floor and pulled out her sword. She cleaned it before returning it to its scabbard. The warlock lay still on the ground with a dark, red patch of blood on its chest. She was still weary, her mother had told her that warlocks were never truly dead unless they had been separated from their hart gem. Warlocks do not have magic of their own and use hart gems as their source of power. They would physically bind the gems to their bodies.
Lia knelt beside the warlock and pulled its cloak open, then undid the first few buttons of its shirt. There it was, a pulsing, green gem right beneath the collar bones. Green gems were the most common of them all. She pulled out her dagger and slid it where flesh met gem. She pushed it in further, separating the gem from the body. It was gruesome work and there was blood everywhere but she had to do it. She couldn't risk the warlock coming after her. The gem which slight smaller than her palm finally came off.
Now she had to destroy it.
According to Lia's mother destroying the gem was deceptively easy. Just plunge the dagger into it with all your strength. However gems tended to warp reality around you.
A truth and a lie it will show. Choose the wrong one and you are lost forever.
She pulled out her dagger and held it above the hart gem. She breathed in deeply and plunged the blade in.
Lia walked towards the front of her house. Everything was still. Everything was silent. An air of unease hung over the place. There was no sound of horses snorting from the stables. It was almost as if the world was asleep. She hesitantly approached her front door. Slowly she turned the handle and pushed it forward. An ominous creak sounded as it swung open. She tentatively stepped into the little cottage that she called home. The place was a mess. Everything had been carelessly strewn about and was in disarray. Dread filled her as she wondered further into her home. As she made her way to the master bedroom she began to feel a deep chill in her bones. Her foot caught on something and she tripped falling on her face. She pushed herself off the ground and turned to see what had caused her fall. Lia shrieked. Her father's body lay lifeless on the ground. Dried blood crusted around his wound which seemed to have been a blow to his chest. She sank to her knees beside her father. Tears were streaming down her face. She touched his pale face lightly.
“Pa,” she whispered. Lia could taste the saltiness from her tears. Her chest felt like it was on fire and burning with pain.
Ma, where's Ma?
Lia reluctantly stood up and moved away from her father's side. She looked toward the bedroom door afraid of what she would find. Slowly, sobbing Lia reached out her hand and pushed the door. It swung open easily. Her mother was sitting against the bed with a big, red smile across her neck. Lia screamed.
The fire crackled ferociously as the storm raged on outside. Lia rubbed her hands vigorously, trying to get her circulation moving as she sat on the floor by the fireplace. Her hands were so numb from the cold the she couldn't even turn the pages of the book that she was trying to read.
“Its going to snow soon,” announced her mother quietly as she came and sat next to Lia holding two mugs of a steaming concoction. “Here,” she said, smiling as she handed Lia a mug, “this should warm you up.”
Lia accepted the mug gratefully and took a sip. It was beautifully hot without scalding her mouth, just enough to bring her body back from its waking slumber. “Mmmm, that's so good.” The heat from the mug was slowly bringing her fingers back to life.
Her mother smiled at her. “I knew you would like it.”
It's going to snow soon.
Lia soon drained the mug dry, the drink leaving her body tingling and warm. Her mother really had a way with herbal concoctions. “I hope it really does snow soon,” she said with a sigh, “it'll be the only good thing that comes from this gloomy weather.”
Her mother chuckled and stroked her daughters hair which was as golden as her own. “You hate it because you cannot go riding on Emer into the woods and running around the meadow playing with the rabbits.”
It's going to snow soon.
Something was wrong.
“I have seen the snow,” said Lia suddenly.
Her mother narrowed her eyes. “What are you talking about.”
“The snow. I've seen it. I've seen the snow.”
“Honey, you've never seen the snow in your life.” said her mother sternly.
Lia started to become frustrated. She had seen the snow. She knew she had. How could she forget the beauty and cruelty of the snow. Lia put her mug aside and began to get up. “I've seen it. I'm not crazy. I know I've seen the snow.”
“Sit down Ylianna,” demanded her mother, “Sit down right now!”
“No. No, I know I've seen the snow. I know I have!” Lia ran toward the front door. She heard her mother getting up behind her. She threw the door open and ran outside.
Lia looked around. There were green shards everywhere. She breathed in deeply and got up. She picked up her things and started to head south. There was no longer any point in going north. Her parents were dead and she could do nothing for them anymore. Tears welled up in the corners of her eyes. Lia sucked a breath in and pushed on. She was heading south to Ascerai.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey there Silverlock!
As for Lia... I guess you will have to tell us that. ^.^
Yes, me again! Come back to read another one of your fabulous chapters. I actually really love seeing the story from Lia's point of view. I think you've developed everything really well and I feel like I know her character fairly well now. She's had some difficult times already, and things don't get any easier with that warlock. Lovely description of its appearance by the way, and also of the gem. I immediately understood what it was all about without anything being too complicated. I also really loved the scene where Lia has finally seen the snow for the first time, and she falters when she realizes her parents aren't there to share the experience with her. It's so realistic and saddening at the same time, I love it <3
I know that Goldflame has already mentioned the whole short sentences thing, and Tenyo has already mentioned the she repetitiveness as well. But I just want to second those things because I also picked up on them while I was reading.
Most of my feedback for you is just trying to dig deeper into Lia's emotions, where I think it would be nice to hear a bit more of what she is thinking and how she is feeling. One of those moments would be where she abandons her parents. I want to know what is running through her mind other than she can't stand the noises. Does she feel like the worst daughter ever for abandoning them like this? Even though they cared for her all those years? Is clinging on to the false hope that she might be able to get help and save them the only thing moving her feet forwards through the dark tunnel? I want to know!
Another time like this would be after she sees the snow for the first time. In her mind it sounds like she pictures the snow to be fluffy and happy and cute, like it is when she first sees it. But soon the snow is blinding and heavy and so freezing Lia thinks she is going to die. What does she think of this quick and unexpected transition? Does it change her thoughts when it comes to snow at all? If I was her, it would definitely change mine
Lia kills something/one for the first time, right? I don't think she has killed anything before the warlock? If not, how does it feel to suddenly be able to brandish yourself with the name of someone has stolen a life. Does she feel guilty at all or does she understand that she was really acting out of self defense? I remember the fact that Lia is fairly young, so all these conflicting thoughts and emotions should really be getting to her by now.
How does she decide this? Is it just common sense, or the amount of time that has passed, or the fact that she has let go of the false hope she had been habouring in her heart? I would just like a quick little reason for this sudden discovery
Other than those few points, this was a lovely chapter as always. I really love your style of writing; it has me captured and I just want to keep knowing what is going on! Can't wait until I have time to keep reading this ^.^
Deanie x
Hey Deanie! Thank you for another wonderful review!
With the warlock thing, I'm actually still contemplating whether it's the first thing she's ever killed or not, so depending on how it goes I'll edit it in the... edit XD I definitely agree, she needs way more emotions. With the her parents are dead thing, the two scenes playing in her head show her because one is a truth and one is a lie. Was it too confusing? So far everyone else got it but now I'm worried O.O
Thank you again Deanie! <3
Ooh the two sides wasn't too confusing! I liked it, and how she had to catch the scenes out by remembering...
Hey Silverlock!
Unnecessary.So I've been a bit busy lately, but I'm back to check out your story again. Made my way to chapter three so far. I absolutely fell in love with the previous chapter, so lets hope it continues in the same vein.
Well, I guess my earlier prediction was wrong (doh!). Lia is not the mother of Tallon Jr and Alitha, and chapter one was not a flashback to her childhood. But that's okay though, because Lia is quite awesome in her own right, and she has quite an encounter with a warlock in this chapter.
I like that both these stories are happening at the same time, as Lia loses her parents, both Tallon Jr and Alitha find out that their father has died. I'm curious to see how they will interact. I'm sure they will meet up at some point. (Though my predictions have been a bit hit and miss so far.)
One thing that I was missing, we actually got a lot of in this chapter. We learned a lot about this place it is all happening in. The name, as well as the names of several bordering lands. You also elaboarated on her name and linage, which was done pretty good.
There's a lot more to comment on, so I'll just write as I go along:
Edit
Edit
Changed the tense and italicized her thoughts.
Edit
When you describe it as 'the' ration packs, it sounds like you have mentioned them before. But you haven't.
Suggestion
You also use this one later. I don't think it looks good.
Edit
This is something I saw a bit too much here and there. This paragraph has it all. You mention her name a few too many times, you repeat 'she' a lot and some of your sentences are a bit too choppy and small. I'll try out an example on this line:
Lia ran, then tripped. Immidiately getting up and running again, she suddenly encountered something strange. Something foreign. Something she hadn't seen in a long time. (Shoddy attempt, Birkhoff. Real shoddy.)
All of these, where you write what is going on in quick moments are really great. They do well to pull the reader into the action.
Hmm, I know she has never seen the snow before, but didn't this happen a little to quick? She was just escaping to save her life, her parents are in grave danger, most likely dead, and she forgets immidiately and begins to laugh? I definately get what you did with the scene, and when she remembers that they're not here, it gets real good. But I would have pulled back a bit.
Another thing that irked me here. This all happened relatively fast, right? She was hoping and waiting for snow when the attackers came. They pack up, have the initial encounter with the soldiers and then they send her on her way. Once she is outside this tunnel, it's snowing and from the way you wrote this as well as the rest of it; it sounds like a real winder wonderland sprang up. But a blizzard appears later though, I guess they can sometimes be a little sudden.
Eh, tears actually won't freeze until you reach down towards -40 degrees. (Why you such a buzzkill, Birkhoff?)
Edit
Edit
Okay, so now we know that her home and current location are within distance to Clock Tower. That's pretty cool, and I like that the Tower can be seen from a really long distance. However, seeing as there is a blizzard rising, I don't buy that she could tell the time from it. Much less believe that she could hear what the time keeper was saying.
I really loved this entire paragraph. Great!
Again, I mentioned this before, but I really liked the part where you told backstory about them. A lot of the land you describe, including the mainland and these island, really help the reader picture the story more. I'm hoping for a desert in there somewhere as well. Deserts are awesome.
Just pointing out this one. Whew.
The entire fight with warlock is pretty decent. Your action scenes could be a lot better, but this was good. I also loved the fact that after a warlock gets killed, he has one last trick that might take you out as well. Quite an interesting addition.
Edit
You don't have her thoughts italicized everywhere.
This really confused me. You use it over and over again, but it has to be wrong, right? You've got to mean heart whenever you say this, no? Otherwise, please explain. :S
Edit
This part where reality warps around her and both these scenes play in her mind are great. Here though, to add more mood. I'd maybe write some more descriptions of the environment. Perhaps the wind isn't blowing, the birds aren't chirping and maybe you can't even hear your own breath or something. And then as you open the door, that creak is the first thing you can hear? Something like that.
Edit
Pure imagery. This is fantastic.
Edit
Wait! I have done this before!
This actually got me thinking. Why hasn't she seen snow before? Is this like Game of Thrones, where the season can go on for years and years? I love that setting, but yeah, that's totally Game of Thrones. Martin is gonna get ya!
Alright, let's go on some other adventures. We don't need anyone else, we'll just go solo style!
Okay, this was your third chapter. A lot of thing I loved in it. I pretty much said all I wanted to say above. So I'll see you in the next chapter. I'll get to that soon.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Hey Birky!! Thank you so much for another awesome review!! You picked out on so many things. Haha, I'm sorry that you guessed wrong about Lia being the mother but I hope you like the current plot all the same.
You are absolutely right about her celebrating in the snow, I'll tone it down in my edit.
I don't actaully mean "heart" it's just their term for the gem. Is it confusing? Should I change it?
You liked the backstory? When I reread this I thought it would be seen as info dump.
Thanks again Birko!!
You know the drill.
[x] [It seems repetitive to start your chapter with another standalone sentence. You might be doing it on purpose, but I advise against it]
[Lia felt] the tunnel walls [x] wanted to close in and squeeze the life out of her. [Her chest was tight;] [x]she could barely breathe. [She felt] like she was drowning in the darkness. Every step [x] she took was one closer to insanity.
After her parents had trapped her in the secret tunnel[,] Lia had just stood there [in shock]. [x] [x]She heard noises coming from [x] above[:][x] swords clashing, feet stomping and people shouting. Tears had sprung to her eyes and she couldn't stand it anymore. She ran.[x] She abandoned [her own parents].
I'll find help, she thought desperately[.] I escaped so that I can find help.
[x] Hunger [burned] in her stomach[x]. The bags that she had brought from home contained food along with the ration packs she had found scattered along the tunnel. She was sorely tempted to eat something but didn't know how long she would be on the run. Lia sucked a breath in and pushed on.
[moved][The tunnel [was] strangely humid and Lia was dripping in sweat. It had been a while since she had been forced to remove her cloak and carry it instead.] [Suddenly,] a gust of wind blew against her face.
That feels good.
[Then came] another gust[x].
How unusual.
Then it hit her. A gust of wind! The exit must be near! She started to run.[x] The sound of her running feet echoed throughout the tunnel. [x] [She tripped several times on unsteady feet, but picked herself up quickly each time]. [x] [Then she saw it: light!] It was faint but it was real. The end was near. Lia could feel it. [x] Round the corner. [x] Sunlight streamed from the opening in front of her.
I found it!
Lia ran out [of the tunnel], laughing[x].
White. Everything was so white. White smothered the ground. White covered the trees. White fell from the sky.
SNOW!
Snow! Lia laughed. She spread her arms and spun around. She stuck out her tongue and caught the fragile flakes in her mouth. When she was dizzy from spinning she sunk to her knees and buried her hands in the wondrous snow.
"It's snowing," she whispered. She grabbed handfuls of the stuff and threw it in the air.
"It's snowing!" she shouted."It's snowing! Look Ma! Its-"
Ma...
Pa...
[I feel like her excitement is a bit... inappropriate. Just a moment ago she was upset and feeling guilty about abandoning her parents, knowing they may now be dead, and now she's excited because of snow? I don't think she would have have forgotten so quickly. It would seem more realistic if she saw the snow and immediately felt ready to cry.]
In an instant Lia's elation disintegrated.
"Ma," she whispered, "Pa."
Tears streamed down her face. Her chest heaved as she began to sob violently. She had finally seen the snow but her parents weren't there. They might be even be dead. They had given up their lives so that SHE could live. The pain inside her was bordering unbearable. She was crying loudly now. Only, it was so cold that the tears were freezing on her cheeks. It was so cold. So col-
Something inside of her snapped.
What was she doing? Sitting in the snow? Sobbing her heart out waiting for those people to find her? What if [they] were alive? What if they were waiting for her to come and help them? [x] She couldn't waste the opportunity that her parents had given her. She dashed away her tears with her palm. She had to be strong. For her parents. Lia forced herself up, sucked a breath in and pushed on.
[x]
[But venturing out into unfamiliar woods was disorienting. She quickly lost] her sense of direction. Her father had left her instructions but they were useless. Everything was white[x] [and it all] [x]looked the same. All she could do was use the sun to determine which way was north. Jiandri's Teeth was a great mountain range south of Liandor forming a natural border between it and [x] Ascerai. [So] to escape the mountain, Lia had to go north. It was much warmer in the north. North [x] was Nordyire, where it was so warm it never snowed. Lia glimpsed the tower clock which she had been using it as a landmark. The monumental structure towered above everything else, almost always in sight. It was actually quite beautiful in an odd and eerie way.
A bird screeched overhead. [The sound surprised Lia and she] threw herself to the ground[, only to look] up to see that it was only a peregrine. Peregrines were often used as messenger birds by the mountain people. [She] sighed in relief[x] and pushed on. [It was] hours later [that Lia finally found herself out of the woods.] [She] was trekking through an open field of snow [when a] chime sounded from the tower clock. She looked at its huge open clock face.
[I'm confused. How could she still see the tower clock? If she's been travelling for hours, she should be miles away.]
12:56? It should be well past four now.
Another chime.
Lia paid it no heed and walked on.
Another chime.
Lia kept walking.
Then a man began to scream.
"The... ence... dead."
The tower clock was too far for Lia to hear what the time keeper was saying. Gusts of wind were also blowing some of his words away. Lia could only tell that someone had died, but who?
"... the Clock... eeper of ti..."
Lia strained to catch his words.
"Tallon... Darr... ied... time... stop!"
Tallon Darr? The Averence? Dead? How-
Suddenly the man jumped from the tower clock and plummeted to his death.
[How does Lia react to this? What is her opinion of the Averance? Does she feel as strongly as the suicide clock tower guy?]
***
Lia had lost all sense of direction.
Since she entered the dense wood she had lost sight of the tower clock and could barely see the sun. Then the blizzard started. It had raged on and on and on. Lia had begun to wonder if she had died.
Is this what death looks like?
[Hmm. I understand why you condensed these turns of events, but I feel like you could make this much more intense if you went through and described this as each thing was happening. You could spread this scene and create more tension. Perhaps have Lia find a wolf print and realize she could be in danger. She hears something and paranoia unravels her. She takes off into the snow, running. That's when flakes begin to fall all around her. They She's dizzied, the world is filled with white, and her heart is pounding...]
Snow was billowing from everywhere. Only her thick, fur cloak was keeping her from freezing to death. If the cold didn't get to her first then she would probably die of starvation. She had last eaten hours ago. [She hadn't run out of food, but her] fingers were so [x] numb that she couldn't [even open the bag anymore]. [x] She [could] starve while holding a bag full of food. [The thought had her on the edge of tears.] If she didn't starve she would probably trip and hit her head on something. In all this snow she couldn't see past her frozen nose. She just [stumbled on] blindly through the forest[x].
I must be strong. I have to find help for Ma and Pa.
The thought of her parents was like a weight on her heart. Lia had strapped her mother's sword onto her back and had threaded her father's ring onto a string so that she could hang it around her neck.
You are the last of my line.
Her mother's words echoed in her mind. Beline Yngrid Sirafell of House Thistle was Allurian by birth. The Allurian Isles were situated south east off the coast of Liandor and were famed for their fabled beauty and richness in magic. However Allurians generally kept to themselves, preferring not to leave the wonders of their homeland or engaging in politics with countries from the Continent. This had given them an almost mythical quality amongst mainlanders. Lia herself had never been to the Isles before. Her father's job had meant that they were always on the run. She had inherited her mother's Allurian hair, which was a curly, honey gold. She had also inherited her mother's tall height but her father's brown eyes and pale skin. Lia and her mother were the last of the Beline line of the House Thistle. Allurians traced their linage through the female line and put their family name in before their first name. It was a system many mainlanders couldn't understand. Beline Ylianna Sirafell of House Thistle was Lia's full name where Beline was her family name from her mother's side, Ylianna was her first name and Sirafell was the name of her father's House. Lia's mother had said her father had been hopelessly confused with her naming when she was born.
[This is a very good explanation, and in some ways it feels like it works into the text perfectly, but in others it feels like it's removing tension from the situation.]
The wind howled and screamed. Lia was exhausted. She was hungry. She needed to rest. She [stopped and slumped against a tree[x]. [Shreds of bark came down with her, black pieces coming to rest on her shoulder.] Icy air burnt her lungs.
Maybe I can just sit for a while.
She slid down into a crouch. Her eyes threatened to close. Her mind begged for sleep.
No!
Lia kept her eyes opened and looked around. It was white everywhere. Snow everywhere.
What's that?
Lia saw something out of the corner of her eye. It was a [dark] figure [too blurry to make out]. It stood still in the storm unaffected. Lia tried to get a better look from where she was sitting[x]. Lia looked around[.] There was no one else here but them. She looked towards the figure again but it was gone. Lia [glanced around] desperately but saw nothing. Had she imagined the figure?
I've lost it. I've finally lost my mind.
[She] buried her head between her knees. She had finally gone insane.
Keep it together! Shouted a voice inside of her.
Get up Lia. Get up!
[She] lifted her head and saw the figure standing right in front of her. She screamed[.] [She] reached [x] for her sword [but fumbled.] [The] face under the [x][hood] was wrinkled and deformed. Its mouth seemed to hang open and its eyes were a void of empty blackness. Her fingers wrapped around the hilt of her sword and she pulled desperately. Her fingers were numb and her position was awkward. The sword wouldn't budge. The figure [x] suddenly flew towards her. [Lia] let go of her sword and rolled [out of the way]. [What does the figure do now?] She scrambled up and pulled at her sword again. Now that she was standing it came out easily. The figure flew at her again. Lia swung her sword but the figure vanished.
Warlock, she thought.
She looked warily around her.
[x] Then it swooped [at her] from her right. She swung[x]. The warlock vanished again and reappeared on her left. It waved its left hand and a force slammed into her sending her flying. She crashed into the ground.
Left hand. [I just need to cut his left hand.]
Lia [breathed heavily and stood up]. She remembered all her mother had taught her about [x] warlocks. [They] had a tendency to use a particular hand to implement their magic. If she put it out of action then she could gain [a small] advantage. With a renewed strength, she looked around for her foe. In an instant it was upon her. She threw herself to the ground[.] [x] As she fell[,] she clipped its left arm with [the] sword. [The warlock shrieked]. [x] [x] [Unbeknownst to most,] Allurian[x] women [poisoned] their blades. The scabbard's inner surface [was] coated in a thick[x] [liquid] which [caused paralysis]. [no new paragraph] [x]
[The warlock] leapt towards her. Lia braced herself and thrust her sword [forward]. [In that moment, the warlock impaled itself]. [x]It [collapsed in the snow.] [Lia yanked her sword out of the body]. She cleaned the blade it before returning it to its scabbard. [describe her cleaning the blade -- did she wipe it on her clothes? Rub it in the snow? What is the blood of a warlock like?] The warlock lay still on the ground with a [x] red [bloom spreading] on its chest. She was still weary, [though;] [x] warlocks [could only be killed by being separated] from their hart gem. [The] hart gem [was] their source of power. [x]
Lia knelt beside the warlock and pulled its cloak open, then undid the first few buttons of its shirt. [Wait. She can't undo the buttons on her bag to get lifesaving food inside her, but she can undo the buttons on a warlock's cloak?] There it was[.] [Sitting in the center of his chest, right beneath the collarbone was a] pulsing[x] green gem[x]. [x] [Superfluous info] She pulled out her dagger and slid it where flesh met gem. She [shoved the blade] in further, separating the gem from the body. [Don't tell us it's gruesome work; describe the blood pouring from the wound.] [x] [x] [Then with a final psuh, the] gem [popped from the skin.]
Now she had to destroy it.
According to Lia's mother[,] destroying the gem was deceptively easy. [The simple part was striking the gem with a dagger]. [But the gems warped] reality [x]. [no new paragraph] [It would show a truth and a lie]. Choose the wrong one and[... well, bad things].
She pulled out her dagger and held it above the hart gem. She breathed in deeply and plunged the blade in[to the translucient surface]
[You are starting to lag in description. Describe her blue fingers picking up the gem and setting it down into the snow; describe how the contrast against the whiteness all around was starting to cause her eyes to water. You're telling us events and not showing enough.]
[Give us a transitional thing -- "The world turned green, and then black. Then she was standing in front of her house. The snow had gone, and..." Something like that. Reset our surroundings.]
[x]Everything was [silent and still]. An air of unease hung over the place. [Without the] sound of horses snorting from the stables[, Lia felt a void in her ears]. It was almost as if the world was asleep. She hesitantly approached her front door. Slowly she turned the handle and [entered the house]. [x] She tentatively stepped into the little cottage[, sending creaks through the floorboards]. The place was a mess. Everything had been carelessly strewn about and was in disarray. Dread filled her[x]. [x]She made her way to the master bedroom[x]. [Suddenly she tripped]. She pushed herself off the ground and turned to see what had caused her fall. Lia shrieked. Her father's body lay lifeless on the ground. Dried blood crusted around [a deep wound on his chest]. She sank to her knees[x]. Tears [streamed] down her face. She touched his pale face[x].
“Pa,” she whispered. [Salty tears leaked into her mouth]. Her chest [x][burned] with pain.
Ma, where's Ma?
Lia reluctantly stood up and moved away from her father's side. She looked toward the bedroom [x]. Slowly, [x] Lia reached out her hand and pushed the door. It swung open [x]. Her mother was sitting against the bed with a big, red smile [ripped] across her neck. Lia screamed.
[you need to transition us. This is too abrupt. I understand you may be trying for this effect, but the disorientation is just frustrating]
The fire crackled ferociously as the storm raged on outside. Lia rubbed her hands vigorously, [return circulation to her fingers]. [She sat splayed by the fireplace.] Her hands were so numb from the cold the she couldn't even turn the pages of the book that she was trying to read.
[Wait wait wait, isn't this just the scene from the beginning?]
[I've already edited these bits, just refer to my original suggestions]
“Its going to snow soon,” announced her mother quietly as she came and sat next to Lia holding two mugs of a steaming concoction. “Here,” she said, smiling as she handed Lia a mug, “this should warm you up.”
Lia accepted the mug gratefully and took a sip. It was beautifully hot without scalding her mouth, just enough to bring her body back from its waking slumber. “Mmmm, that's so good.” The heat from the mug was slowly bringing her fingers back to life.
Her mother smiled at her. “I knew you would like it.”
It's going to snow soon.
Lia soon drained the mug dry, the drink leaving her body tingling and warm. Her mother really had a way with herbal concoctions. “I hope it really does snow soon,” she said with a sigh, “it'll be the only good thing that comes from this gloomy weather.”
Her mother chuckled and stroked her daughters hair which was as golden as her own. “You hate it because you cannot go riding on Emer into the woods and running around the meadow playing with the rabbits.”
It's going to snow soon.
[This repetition to give us an uneasy feeling and an understanding of a false reality is very effective.]
Something was wrong.
“I have seen the snow,” said Lia suddenly.
Her mother narrowed her eyes. “What are you talking about[, dear][?]”
“The snow. I've seen it. I've seen the snow.”
“Honey, you've never seen the snow in your life[,]” said her mother sternly.
Lia [grew] frustrated. She had seen the snow. She knew she had. How could she forget the beauty and cruelty of the snow. Lia put her mug aside and began to get up. “I've seen it. I'm not crazy. I know I've seen the snow.”
“Sit down[,] Ylianna,” demanded her mother, “Sit down right now!”
“No. No, I know I've seen the snow. I know I have!” Lia ran toward the front door. She heard her mother [x] behind her. She threw the door open and ran outside.
Lia looked around. There were green shards everywhere. [Again, the transition is way too abrupt. Give us closure. Tell us the false world around her disintegrated or something. Anything to indicate she's "won".] [Lia] breathed [x] deeply and [stood] up. She picked up her things and started to head south. There was no longer any point in going north. [She's spotted the lie. That meant] her parents were dead[.] [x] She could do nothing for them [now]. Tears welled [x] in the corners of her eyes. Lia sucked a breath in and pushed on. [She had to go] south[,] to Ascerai.
- - - - - -
I understand the "going south to Ascerai" is supposed to be dramatic, but when you were describing the layout of the continent all of your words were so foreign they blended in my head, and all I know is that Ascerai must be cold because I remember the north has warmer parts.
Anyways.
You have some really good stuff here. The scene with the warlock was pretty intense, and the fact that she had to destroy the gem and go through the sequence there was good. I like how you repeated that passage from the very beginning -- and how you used that "one truth, one lie" rule to communicate to Lia that her parents were dead. That was very skillfully done.
I'll start working on the next part soon~
Hey joe!!
Thanks again for another awesome review. You have no idea how much I appreciate all your editing, sometimes I go over it a million times and never spot anything.
About the warlock buttons you're right, I'll change it to her cutting his shirt open.
I know the lay of the land is confusing, I'm working on a map which I'll hopefully post with one of the chapters.
I know the transitions were disorientating, you're right I was trying that for effect. I'll fix it up.
Thanks for all your comments!!
Hi!
So, I don't really have a great review to give you, but I wanted to say that I am really enjoying your story! The title made me think that it was another spinoff of Snow White (I'm really glad it isn't!), so it definitely took me by surprise. I usually don't have a lot of time to read very much on YWS, so I don't get involved with stories anymore. However, I'm making time for yours! Well done!
You are a very wonderful writer. The plot is very well developed, and I like how you switch points of view. I am wondering, though, what sort of work her father did? And what does the Averence do? When you mentioned Alitha's hair and the dye, I thought of Lia and her hair... Is there a connection?
PLEASE, keep writing this! *going into fangirl mode*
~Ongoeslife
Hey ongoeslife!!
Thanks for your review (I think it's great 
). Thanks as well for giving my story a chance and reading the other chapters! I'm thrilled to have another reader. I'm also glad that you're left with all the right questions!!! Hopefully they will be answered in the upvoming chapters!! 
Hi, here to review since I have already read your other pieces!
Gold already took most of what I was going to say. Still I would like to acknowledge those things myself so take warning so you know I am not copying Gold.
I liked how you made her thoughts in italics. I prefer that so I know what the person is thinking. I saw some incorrect punctuation mainly commas.
This was pretty good like the rest of your works. Do write mor
Hey lostthought!! Thanks for your review and for sticking to my story!!
Commas are the bane of my existence!! I'm glad you liked this and I definitely will write more!!
Hey Silverlock!
How is yws treating you? I hope you're finding it alright.
Pacing
I agree with Goldflame. This really is the kind of story that grabs you by the throat and puts you right in the front seat of the action. It's fast paced without losing sight of the background and that's a hard skill to get the hang of.
The thing with names
Some words, like 'the' and 'he' and 'and', are so small and frequently used that they're practically invisible to the readers eye. Less familiar words resound a bit more, which is why you can repeat 'she' a hundred times and most of them it will barely be noticed.
Names tend to indicate who is performing an action so they're quite prominent, which means when you repeat them it's like when you're standing there and a little kid is going 'hey silver, silver look at this, look silver, silver come over here silver.'
Gramatically, as long as you don't change who is doing the action you can use 'she' over and over again. You know that phrase 'that's the name, don't wear it out,' that counts for writing too. More often than not it's best just to use 'she' where you can.
Thud! Light! SNOW!
I love how you did that, it creates such a sense of immediacy in the text and works really well with your style of writing =]
Adverbs
Adverbs are what they sound like. They add to the verb, but this isn't always a good thing. If you need to add to a verb then it means your verb isn't strong enough. It's always better to try and think of a more powerful way of saying things and use adverbs as a last resort. This especially counts for your writing, since your style is so tight and immediate, the use of adverbs detracts from that thing that you're really good at.
For example; "The fire crackled ferociously as the storm raged on outside..."
You could say that 'the fire was ferocious and crackled as the storm raged.' Or that the 'raging storm was mirrored in the crackling of the fire,' or 'the fire crackled like a bowl of rice crispies.'
Overall
I know, I'm repeating myself, but I really do love the immediacy of your writing. At first I was just glancing through and found myself sucked straight into it, and that's a really important skill to have in writing.
Keep up the good work!
Hey Tenyo!! Thanks for such a comprehensive review, it really helped.
Yes I'm totally loving it here on YWS. It's definitely the best writing website around.
I've tried to edit some of the things that you've mentioned like the "she" thing and I'll definitely keep the adverb advice for my next chapter. I'm glad that you enjoyed it
Hey, Flame here to review!
. And you've mastered description and word choice, and grammar for the most part. Just check that Lia's thoughts are italicized; otherwise, the reader will think you're switching between past and present tense. In some instances, as well, the punctuation is incorrect, and commas were forgotten in compound sentences.
I have to say, this was beautifully fast-paced
So, I can't really say much except to gush! The plot is nicely developed, dialogue and narrative perspective are balanced, and you've got the reader hooked! Can't wait to find out what happens to Lia...how's she going to cope with her parents' death...
I've noticed, though, that your sentences are steadily shortening. It disrupts both the flow of your novel and the individual chapter/part. Also try to reduce repetition...Reading things aloud may help.
And that's all. Well done, Silverlock! Keep it up!
~Flame
Hey Flame!! Thanks so much for reviewing and for sticking with my tory!!
I've italicized Lia's thoughts, I can't believe I forgot to do that!! I've tried to edit the other things that you've mentioned as well. This one was rushed so there re quite a few hole in it lol.
Wow, you still managed to do an awesome job
.