Sometimes I miss how things used to be
Back before you ignored my messages
Back before I waited for your reply
And the pain of rejection was never a worry
I miss our conversations
The ones where you used to tease me
And I knew you were kidding
I miss the long nights on Facebook
I look at the old messages sometimes
Days when I’m lonely
And just need something to make me laugh
I miss not feeling like I was freaking you out
Every time I asked you to get coffee
I miss being confident around you
We said that we wouldn’t make things awkward
It was good for a while
Then I got too clingy
And you got distant
I didn’t mean to get clingy
I was just happy that I finally felt like I was worth something
Because for so long I needed someone besides my mom
To make me feel like I was good
When you used to look at me
I felt like we were equal
I felt beautiful
I felt special
I felt like I was everything that you were
Everything that you are
I miss you
I need you
I miss being able to hug you
Feel you wrap me up in your arms
Because when other people hug me
It’s not quite the same
The warmth is still there
But it’s just heat
With them,
There are no giggles,
Smiles,
Irritation,
Little nicknames
Dances in the pouring rain
Urges to feel their lips on mine
Run my fingers through their hair
I only want my lips on yours
My fingers running through your hair
I miss your scent
I miss the feeling of your breath on the back of my neck
I miss walking into a room and feeling like I belonged there
I loved you
I love you
We’re done
We’re not done
People tell me it’s over
People tell me to get over you
They don’t matter
You are the only one that matters
I only want to be comforted by you
I only want to hear your voice
I only want to see your face
I only want you.
hey!
THIS, is your real poem. the rest is just fluff. the rest is telling without evoking emotion, and we've all been there: the guy who moved on. we've all missed him. but "miss" is such an over-used word that it's empty, that it's useless.
THIS, what I've quoted above, is where you lose yourself in the memory of him for a little while, and you pull out the personal stuff, the real stuff that you miss about him. you miss talking, like anyone would, but this stuff is more visceral, more innate, and more real, at least for me. you need to get specific. you need to make us love this kid just as much as you did, but showing us what you loved about him. peel him and show us the inside, and we'll miss him like you do, and then your poem will be right and will be successful.
leave out the empty lines that anyone could say.
dive in and write about him, sinew and bone.
good luck. push further.
let me know if you have any questions.
Hello there. Here's a bit of a belated welcome to YWS, but a welcome all the same. First of all, your stanza formatting needs work. Some stanzas have three, four, or more lines. It would be better if you were consistent in whatever format you decided to go with. The choppy stanzas also lead to a choppy flow in the poem. You also need to add punctuation to the sentences, commas, periods, something to seperate sentences or ideas.
"Then I got too clingy
And you got distant"
Two things I want to say about these lines. One, you write that you became "too clingy"; I would also add a "too" before distant. It just evens up the lines. Two, try to aviod using "got" while writing; although it is technically correct, it is not proper English. Whenever I write, I always have a thesaurus up on my computer so I can find different, or better, words to write. I would recommend you try it, it can also help you expand your vocabulary. One really good thing about the poem is the honesty and the simple imagery of the piece. It's very relatable and it's always great when a reader can relate to what is written. I like in the second to last stanza how you are so confused about what is going on because love is confusing. Overall, this is good. I can't wait to read your other works!
Rarity
Hi there, and welcome to YWS, because you're still kind of new.
So I really liked the formatting of the poem and the emotion behind it, simple lines, but you can feel the words. I can relate to the poem's story too, which makes the poem even better, because I'm sure alot of people can relate to it.
" When you used to look at me
I felt like we were equal
I felt beautiful
I felt special
I felt like I was everything that you were
Everything that you are"
This is a great stanza but it's a little confusing that "You were....Everything" is seperated into two different lines so that it reads "I felt like I was everything you were" and then seperate thought: "Everything that you are". I guess I'm just confused to the meaning of the two last lines in that so maybe you could space it differently, or add a comma after the first "everything"
Some of the stanzas are missing a little bit of flow, so you might want to read it out loud to try to edit it to be a little less choppy in places.
This stanza particularaly I thought sounded a little odd.
" We said that we wouldn’t make things awkward
It was good for a while
Then I got too clingy
And you got distant"
Perhaps it could be "And you became distant" or "And then we were distant" the word "got" just doesn't belong.
Overall really great poem, it definetly sounded real. I look forward to reading more of your work! Thank you for posting and happy holidays!
~Alliyah / Alli-y ~
Thanks for the honesty!
When I write I don't really edit my work because when I do, I over think things and sometimes I take away from the meaning. Sometimes I just like to write, and then if there's little errors I fix them...I probably should of put a comma there. Thanks and I'll review the second stanza 