Young Writers Society

Girl, lemme show you the moments of purity in this poem:

I write mostly about the times when we're standing in line,

and you fidget and whisper to people in the other lines.

They get so pissed because we're at band competition and we have to stand still with a straight face.

How could I not write about the first time you touched me and whispered that I was ticklish?

I find it extremely hard to read a poem like this because it isn't written in any form. You should try to write in like an AABB ABAB ABAC form and break it into stanzas

Hey SmileILoveyou,

Typo: effect should be affect.

Look, this is a poem only because it looks like a poem. There's not much else that makes it poetic. It's lacking a lot of what we typically think of in poetry. It is certainly therapeutic to get these things down, and I've written many poems like this, about the difficulty of love/lust.

For the reader, though, we get little from it. You're navel-gazing. You're writing about how you feel, and that's nice for you, but it doesn't leave me with a lot except to think "Yeah, I remember feeling this way about a girl." But poetry is a two-way process. You want to communicate something to your readers, and you should be doing it in an interesting, unique way in order to capture our attention.

I recommend for your next poem trying to write about something other than just how you feel. Of course, bring your feelings into it. Otherwise, your work will be dry. But present it to us in a less "I feel this, I feel that" way. Imbue your words with your emotions but don't let them dictate your words. Think about how you could present your ideas and words in a most interesting manner than you are at the moment. And last of all, you have to consider your rhythm and your metre. Like it or not, poetry needs to have some consideration for rhythm, or it loses a lot of its impact. I don't see anything in this effort which has that. Try reading poetry out loud to get a feel of how the experts do it.

Good luck.

Well, it's a cute poem. Remaining true to the issue of unrequited love. Or complicated love.

This is just me though, but I tend to find this structure a bit tedious. I mean I get why you did it, as this is more a piece of prose, than a poem. I'm dwelling in within that borderline myself, most of the time.

Alas, the tragedy of a shattered heart is a lesson we all must endure, sooner or later. It's tough, and hauntingly painful. It affects everything you see at the day of hand. I get it.

There's a very good song called "Black" by Pearl Jam. I recommend it highly to anyone with a little bit of love issues.

Find your therapy in the music.

Keep it real!