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Young Writers Society



Guardianship, Ch.2 - Following The Guardian

by Segreto


Rio followed the mysterious girl into the forest, and the thought of Nameless that haunted the place had not even crossed his mind. The forest was dark, and only the light of the sun allowed anything to be seen, but it would soon be twilight, and it would leave its place to the night sky.

As he delved deeper and deeper into the forest he realized that he had lost his way, and by this point the the sun was no longer there to help him find it again. The fool who had carelessly run in the forest now felt fear, as the sight as darkness was to him both new and ominous. He had never thought that a darkness so dense could exist, for even at night, the sky’s lights touched the ground. Now the earth beneath his feet was shielded from the sky’s watchful eye by the roof of leaves, and his soul’s light was feeble, not strong enough to push away neither the shadows nor his fear.

He wandered, lost, across the forest, hearing or perhaps imagining leaves stir and beasts howl and roar from its depths, tripping more than once on giant roots and hitting trees, feeling his way slowly around the dark, turning sharply at every noise he heard, his ears strained for every sound, though his heartbeat seemed to impair his hearing, and his eyes at this point were useless, as he could see nothing. After having roamed for an uncertain time he came across a tree, different from the rest. His eyes were caught immediately by its faint shimmer of light, and he ran towards it, thanking all the gods he knew, letting out a laugh of relief.

It was starting to shine with light again, and the colors were returning to it slowly. There was a trail of the trees that were coming alight again, and he followed, his pace getting more sure, his fear abandoning him. He had traveled far from the town, farther than he had ever gone, but the light had brought back his curiosity and his confidence along with his hopes of seeing the girl once more.

The stream became brighter and more colorful as he went on. With the light that was being shed on the ground at one point he found the Trail of Blue which he had lost earlier and followed still. It lead to a clearing, and here it was as if the forest was normal again, no trace of the dense dark could be seen, and the colors reigned untouched. He was enchanted by the colors, which he felt like he had forgotten after the long time of dusk that had covered the town, but no sooner had his mind adjusted to the dyes that his gaze found her, the mysterious girl.

She was kneeling on the ground, giving her energy to the earth, two wings made of black swords shining on her back, touching the ground as well. Her Soul guarded her as she worked, prowling the edges of the clearing, on guard. Rio huddled under the roots of a tree, too breath taken by what he was seeing to go forth and ask the questions he had wanted answered, and there he fell asleep after having watched for hours. His sleep was deep, as he heard neither the barks of the Youyevhon Soul, nor the vicious sounds the Nameless made as they crashed together. 

And so the night went on, Marea rejuvenating the perished forest, destroying the wasp’s nest, the Soul locked in ceaseless combat with the Nameless, Rio sleeping soundly beneath the roots and branches, the townsmen rejoicing and celebrating, the Keeper waiting, and wondering what was to come.

After hours of work Marea raised her gaze. Her Soul still tall, but without a doubt tired. She could hear the beasts’ noises run through the forest, but she knew she had to stay still just a little longer, ‘till the bird she’d sent to see what was happening at the other side of the forest returned. Not a minute later it indeed made its return, and she caught it in her hand, where it disappeared, turning back to the shadow that it truly was, and she saw what its eyes had seen from high above. After four days of fighting, the mountain she had left, guarded by the smoke army had been taken, and the last of them had been killed not far from where she was now. It had served as a good distraction for both the legion that had been making its way forward and the Nameless who had made their the forest their home. Now they would turn their attention back to the forest they were losing, and the Guardianship that shined ever so brightly was a wake-up call to all them. So far they had encountered only about twenty of the beasts, but now they would come in hoards.

She stood and regarded the barely visible sky above. A glint of blue could be seen over the leaves, and she guessed it could not be much later than dawn. Her gaze swept the clearing again then she climbed out of the glade and was just about leave when her Soul found the young man’s Spirit, who had also taken refuge under the roots. She looked at him, startled, then began to get slightly frustrated at him, though she did not even know his name. She would have to get him out from the forest, before the Nameless came, and if he was a burden he would doom them both. He looked at him again. The boy was well built, with silvery blue hair, and a slim tail he had received as a trait from his soul. But that wasn’t the only similarity he shared with it, for on his head his ears were like the Kiren, and there was undoubtedly a pair of antlers growing on the top.

He did look strong, and to have arrived here unscathed by the Nameless he must have had great skill in combat. Her frustration lessened as this thought made its way into her mind, so she neared him and awoke him briskly.

“Wake up, wake up!” she said.

Rio moved sluggishly, slowly waking, then started as he elaborated who was waking him and were he was.

“Lady Guardian!” he said “forgive me for having followed-”

“This is not the time,” she interrupted. “The Nameless will be upon us soon. Come, we must make our way out of here.”

She turned and started to run away, and Rio followed, still half asleep, his Soul racing near him along with hers. As she walked across the forest its floor began to lighten and quicken as the rest, and as the clearing was farther behind them the darkness started to grow again, where the light had not reached yet, but as she passed every step she made lit up that which was still dark and everything around it. Then there was the sound of trees being uprooted, twigs breaking, leaves slithering and a roar. Rio yelled and backed away, now fully awake, and in front of them a Nameless rose, high as a bear on two feet. Rio stumbled and fell, and started to slowly crawl away, whimpering. Marea turned, and her frustration came again. She had been utterly mistaken.

The beast came forward and pounced. She dodged it quickly, calling her blade to her. Like her wings it rose from dust, and she sashed the beast as soon as she was at her side. the gaping wound shed no blood, but the monster roared again in pain and reached for her with its clawed paw. She spun to bring her blade to it, and in one cut its limb was severed. The thing gave way a moment of hesitation, and she gave it the final blow, impaling her with the scythe.

Rio was a few meters away, paralyzed with fear and shock, breathing heavily. He watched as the girl made a scythe out of the shadows cast by the trees, saw her kill the thing that seemed neither alive nor real, his mind too focused on that fight to notice something else slithering and sliding towards him until it was nearly wrapped around his body. The girl shouted something to him, and he looked behind him. The thing rose and attacked, Rio huddled, trying to protect himself, but Marea’s Soul got to it first, biting its neck until it lay still. Some beads of light came out of the body, then it turned to dust.

“Are you hurt?” she asked worriedly.

“F-fine” he stuttered.

“Then hurry, more will come,” she said.

Their escape through the forest was interrupted again only once, when another thing tried to ambush them, crawling and hiding in shrubs beneath some trees. It failed however, as the girl surprised it first, and the ambusher never even knew that he’d been found before it had found them. The two exchanged no words as they ran. Marea concentrated on getting out and lighting all she could, Rio still to shocked and too out of breath to say anything, though his mind raced faster than his sore legs, and more questions arose with every step he took. They followed the Blue Trail and the trees started to become sparser as they went on, until finally they were again under the sun. She slowed down, and watched anxiously the forest, searching for any movement.

“Lady Guardian, your highness” said Rio, once he had regained his breath. “my name’s Rio Guerriero, nice to meet you!”

The girl stopped and turned and then said “You honor me with such high praise. I’ve a name too, it’s Marea. You needn't call me your highness”

“Ok then, Marea,” he said, and caught up with her. Now he felt safe again, the sun was high, the colors flew, and his tongue loosened again.

“Marea, are you truly the Guardian of Darkness? And those things, the ones that attacked us, were they Nameless? Only, I thought they had no shape and were just smoke.”

“Yes, I am. Yes, they were. They are usually as smoke, as large shadows but they become physical beings once they have to fight,” she said.

“Can you teach me how to give trees life again? I followed you because I wanted to see, I hope you don’t mind too much, I was astonished when you did it with the Orange tree”

“You cannot be taught a Guardianship. You find yours, and it grants you its power,” she stopped and turned to face him, though her eyes did not meet his. “you should not have followed me. The forest is filled with Nameless, and you thought of coming none the less. You must either be moved by great courage, or mindless foolishness.”

“I’d say it was courage,” he said, smiling. She sighed, wondering why fate had given her this man, and turned away again. "Or it could be love, you know!" Added Rio, joking,

They headed towards town, and he followed her still, asking more questions. The boy’s presence was pleasant, and he lightened her spirits, and his foolishness was no longer a burden but a relief. She had lit up the forest, now the Nameless would be weaker as they had no shadows to hide in, but she couldn’t do again what she had done on the mountain, and her hope was the Keeper, who would have to follow his duty of protecting the Guardianship until a Guardian came.

They walked together, and she hadn’t even noticed that they had arrived to the gates of the town, so absorbed she was in her thoughts. At once a huge crowd of people come to them, all celebrating the forest’s life.

“Rio!” shouted Reith, upon seenig him return “where were you? You should have seen what was happening!”

“I did. I was there,” and he told the crowd about the Guardian he had seen reviving the Orange tree, told them what the Nameless looked like, but Marea was already gone before he had finished his story, and Rio was left with the crowd, who, with no proof to show, was called a liar.


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212 Reviews


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Sun Sep 28, 2014 5:06 pm
TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review day review for you!
I confess I haven't read any previous chapters, so I hope I don't get anything too wrong.
Alright, nitpicks first.

As he delved deeper and deeper into the forest he realized that he had lost his way, and by this point the the sun was no longer there to help him find it again.
You've got an extra 'the' there :).

The fool who had carelessly run in the forest now felt fear, as the sight as darkness was to him both new and ominous.
Of darkness, I think you meant...
And instead of 'as the sight of darkness', change the 'as' to a 'since'. Sounds/reads better.

You needn't call me your highness”
You're missing punctuation here, and the dialogue might read better if you put an 'and' before this line. "And, you needn't..."

“where were you? You should have seen what was happening!”
The 'w' in where should be capitalized, since you end a sentence before.

End of nitpicks.

You've got some really great description, but... well... you go a bit overboard with the literary devices. Especially your metaphors. I mean, this is someone's head...

and his soul’s light was feeble, not strong enough to push away neither the shadows nor his fear.
Ahem. Really? His soul's light? Unless he's a supernatural being that glows when happy... well, I think you can afford to cut that.

Mainly, I think you go overboard on the deep, complicated descriptions and don't give the readers what they need. Was it cold or warm outside? Humid? How fast is Rico walking? Is there any wildlife?

And to increase the reader's anxiety level, describe the Nameless Right now, I'm picturing a sort of black nothingness. And the Soul is a grey mist.
Make your readers squeal with horror and cringe at what they read. Do the nameless have great, big, globs of black pus on their skin that oozes as they walk? Are their hideous sharp teeth stained with dried blood and animal matter? Are they six feet tall and gorgonic? do they have soulless, black eyes? Do they even have eyes?

Your dialogue could be better. For one thing, it's stilted, and needs more... humanity. And people talk to each other in a fight. Or at least, they scream. They don't just shout names.

And your characters could use a little help. For one thing, they seem really two-dimensional here; especially Mareca. I 'm picturing a snobby teenage girl that can fight, but there has to be more to her than that!

Your figurative language, however is amazing, if a little overboard. And your pascing and style are magnificent (although I think you need a few more contractions too keep it from sounding so formal).

Keep writing, love.
Aurora




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Fri Sep 05, 2014 6:20 am
Caesar wrote a review...



Hello hello,

there are some things that need work in this chapter, mainly your description and your dialogue. And your dialogue.

Don't tell me the forest gained new light and color, show me the colors snaking, or pulsating, or suddenly appearing on the trees. Tell me if the stream ran blue or hot pink. Describe to me, through Rio's sleep-addled state, the forms of the horrible Nameless as they do battle with Marea's soul. Don't tell me he was afraid, instead show me the ominous sights he thinks he sees in the forest. Show me his heart rate getting faster, the blood pumping.

Recently, I wrote a review of another chapter, where I said that people see their surroundings through a tainted lens -- tainted by their thoughts and emotions. That chapter, too, had a scary forest, come to think of it. Well, the forest is a primal fear. You could make use of the first part of this chapter to really give us the terrifying details. The contorted branches, the movement of shadows that shouldn't belong there, the dark, heavy smell of rotten vegetation. Go wild. Give me a sensory buffet. Nobody's holding you back.

On the same note, don't tell me Marea became frustrated, show me her snapping angrily at Rio for being so silly. Whenever possible, favor describing a place, action or event, instead of telling the reader that it happened, or it was so. It makes it seem more vivid, for one, and that's always good. It seems more realistic -- I don't know, but personally, I always dislike it when an external narrator intervenes in a story with a defined narrator that has a defined point of view. It seems wrong.

And as for Marea, I've been thinking about her. I thought, you know what would be a good way to introduce her? Kill the prologue. Remove it from existence. Think about it: in the prologue, we learn a girl named Marea obtained the Guardianship of Darkness, and this girl used her powers to bring life to the countryside around her. We have learned these exact bits of information in chapters one and two, except that now, it can be done in a manner far more interesting.

Rio is introduced first. We see him trying to cure a tree and failing. We learn there is a girl with a terrible guardianship out in the forest. We meet her for the first time, curing entire swathes of vegetation. Rio speaks to her, and we learn her name is Marea, and she has darkness. It works! We know the same things, but Marea seems less godly. See, prologues really are useless most of the time.

The issue is, however, Marea still seems above a human being. I think I can place my finger on why this is more clearly. Nobody calls her out. She hasn't been described with any flaws. With Rio we learn right from the bat he's brash, impatient, overly talkative, and not as strong as he'd like to be. These are flaws we can relate to. Flaws make us humans, virtues simply make sure society doesn't punch us. So you should do something about that with Marea, too. As I was reading this I thought of two ways, but you could think of more, I'm sure.

I was thinking one way would be to show Marea as tired and haggard from her work. Bags under her eyes, bloodshot, wracked by spasms, whatever. Then Rio does his talkative-look-at-me Rio thing, and she snaps at him, because who wouldn't, being so exhausted and suddenly there's this random dude you have to take care of in a dangerous forest who also won't shut up? I would. In this scenario, we get to relate to Marea a bit more, laugh at Rio's silliness, and enjoy the dynamics between the two. These three things are all very important. You could definitely play up on Marea's human side this way. I don't think anyone has actually taught her how to be a Guardian, so she'd probably still be unsure about a lot of things. A tired, impatient and sassy, if well-meaning Marea is a Marea I'd enjoy.

As I read her in this chapter, though, it seems she does enjoy acting high and mighty. Maybe it's her true personality, and what can we do about that? Dynamics can still be made interesting this way, however. I mean, I can sort of understand where arrogance would come from in this situation. She's powerful, pretty much the only person around that can save the world. That's pretty good cause to think you're entitled to at least some things. Rio, on the other hand, wouldn't think so. Say he treks all the way out into the forest to meet Marea, and she's like 'oh what are you doing you commoner now I'll have to ferry you back'. Show us she's secretly really enjoying Rio's adulation, and then have him call her out for being such a high and mighty prick.

In both of these ways, I'd be a lot more satisfied and happy that development is being had. If you're unsure which Marea is the true one out of the several I described, try writing a scene with Rio first with a sassy, exhausted and impatient Marea, and then with an arrogant high-and-mighty if well-meaning Marea, and determine which one flows better. You know what I mean. Which one speaks to you as a better Marea.

As my final note, I'd like to point out I think your dialogue needs some work, too. It seems very forced, as if the author put specific words in their mouths, as if they weren't given room to breathe. When writing dialogue when I still need to get to know the characters, I like to just let them run their mouths, say whatever comes off the top of their heads. I can then select what feels most appropriate from that pile. I'm thinking Rio should be a lot more energetic and ask her a lot more questions. Marea will react to these in different ways depending on if she's tired!Marea or arrogant!Marea. As a rough rule of thumb, act it out, either in your head our out loud, you're a writer, everyone thinks you're crazy already. Grab a friend and force her/him to play out Marea. Tell her/him about Marea's character if she/he's any good at acting, and you can have an impromptu session. You might come out of it with better understanding of the characters.

Hope this helped
-Ita





Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
— Thomas Edison