Guardianship, Prologue - The Throne (part 2)

by Segreto

Published August 30, 2014

In Guardianship

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She left the fallen city not long after she had been granted the Guardianship. The sky was completely dark now, and there was not even a glimmer a light to be seen. Darkness in Siela was known as only shadows or the unknown, and complete obscurity was unheard of. Now Marea silently strode along the Blue Trail, but the only thing guiding her was the feeling that came to her feet from the cold pathway, her soul near to her side as always, gliding noiselessly. This unknown gloom scared her, but she knew that there was more to fear than simple blindness.

Once the voice of the Guardianship had faded away she had had risen and left the Throne, and had then stood in the rubble outside, looking around her, the ruined buildings lit by her Soul’s light, still strong with the Guardianship’s power. She watched her cold breath become steam and rise up in the night sky, scattered with thousands of stars, whose lights seemed not to reach the city. She could only hear her light breath and heartbeat, the calm of the void unbroken by any sound, until several minutes later.

It had slithered towards Marea, who was entranced by the void, her Soul a beacon which called forth all that desired to end life. She had noticed just in time its presence and she was on guard before it had the time to strike her dead. The Nameless rose up high to intimidate her, showing itself in all its deadliness. It was dark, darker than the black that engulfed all, barely visible even when illuminated by the soul, and large and powerful. It made a low hissing sound then it struck her, but only once, for it was already dead before it could do so again, its head severed by one elegant cut from the blade of the new Guardian’s weapon, the blade she had used all her past years. A bead of light escaped from its corpse, then it became dust as it crashed to the ground, fading away.

She looked around her alarmed, knowing more were to come, and summoned her wings, which rose from the dust has they had done not long before. They came easily, with nearly no effort, as if merely the thought had summoned them. As soon as they had formed more Nameless rose, attracted by that strong energy, the energy they wanted to destroy. They charged at her, and she fought them back, and, one by one, more bodies crashed on the ground, until all of them no longer had life, if alive was what they had been before. She stood panting in the center of the battleground, regarded the dead creatures from above, and then left quickly. She found the marble path then extinguished all light and let her wings fall, until she was plunged into total darkness once more.

Now she still walked the road, tense and on guard, searching for a place where she could rest without being in danger of an assault. She was tired and had not slept for nearly two days now, as the search for the Guardianship had become more urgent as she realized the Nameless were in danger of finding the Power before she did. As she walked forward glints of light started to emerge, but they were sparse and feeble, and she was both to tired and too scared of being found to even attempt to try and bring back to life what little still could flourish.

After an hour or perhaps more she felt the air lighten and the danger die out, and she found a small bight where she decided to spend the rest of the night. She curled up beneath it and fell asleep almost instantly, though she awoke many times.

She rose the following morning with the sun. Now she could see clearly where she was and her surroundings. The light had changed her view of things and now she realized that the place she had decided to rest was probably not the safest, as it was right in front of a dark and colorless forest, all its life taken by Nameless, who had taken over the place and had now made it their new nest. But she had been lucky apparently, and had not been attacked. She shuddered to think how many times she must have had gotten close to being found as she slept, but she pushed away the thought from her mind. The Trail she had been following went directly into the forest, which was, without a doubt, not the best way to continue her journey. Behind her there was a tall rock formation, a place ideal to see from above what the best way to continue would be. Marea looked back to where she had come from, but could not see the city, only smoke rising from its rubble in the distance.

After a few minutes she stood from her small hiding place and headed towards the mountain, away from the forest. The scenery here was as bleak as it had been on her way towards the Throne. The trees that Marea found on the way towards the summit of the mountain were completely deprived of color, their husks were blackened, and their twigs snapped off at the faintest breeze. On the ground the shrubs had not found any luck either. Most of their leaves were on the ground, the flowers and fruits which once grew and were colorful now were shriveled up. There was complete silence, only broken by the occasional light growl or bark from Marea’s Soul, whose silver fur and black scales blended perfectly with its surroundings, and Marea’s footsteps. No bird’s song was heard as they made their way up, and no living creature was seen at all, but, fortunately, neither were Nameless.

Both she and her wolf-like Soul were sure footed, and the climb was not difficult, so they made their way upwards easily, and they reached the summit after two hours. On the top the air was colder and it was peaceful, relaxing even. “But only of your eyes are kept closed,” thought Marea. And indeed the scenery was even worse from up here. The mountain seemed grayer and the forest near where she had slept was even darker. From above, slight movements could be seen from the canopy of leaves and, occasionally, large shadows of giant Nameless would emerge from the treetops, rising even higher than the tallest trees. She leaned on a tree and watched the infinite sea of blackened leaves extended far from her sight.

It was her duty now to revive the forest, but there were more Nameless than trees and rekindling its perished fire would only mean defeat again. The forest was now the Nameless’ nest, and, just like destroying a wasp’s hive, wrecking theirs would mean an angry swarm of monsters, and the forest would be taken again. She was uncertain of how many of the creatures now resided under the roof of dead leaves, but it was certainly more than she could face alone. She was outnumbered by one to an unknown. The Blue Trail lead through the forest, but it was not an option to follow it now. She could travel on the outskirts of the woods, circumnavigating the black and heading towards west, where she knew there was a town where another Guardianship ley, and then head south again once the dead forest had ended.

She turned away and saw a small pool of water underneath the roots of a tree, which barely stood in balance and seemed ready to fall over. She neared it and drank from the water along with her Soul at her side, taking care to hold her long silver hair away from it, preventing it from getting soaked. After she had finished she looked at her reflection in the water. Her tired face looked back at her, and her blue eyes were the only color she could see in the mass of gray, black, and white. She turned towards her Soul, who’s eyes were blue, as hers. It looked tired as well, but imposing and important as it stood on a rock, listening. Then she noticed a large rock that had impeded her view of the back of the mountain.

The silence was broken by a strong and menacing bark, followed by an ever stronger roar. Marea turned and listened, but saw nothing stir. Again the roar sounded and this time Marea thought it came from very far away, from behind the large rock which impeded her view of the other side of the mountain. She went around it, and let out a gasp as her eyes found the source of the noise.

An army of Nameless was making its way forward, thousands of creatures of every size and shape, but all of one color. The roars and barks came from directly below the mountain, where two gigantic monsters were fighting each other for reasons completely unknown to her. If they looked fearsome and menacing while they fought Anima they looked even worse when fighting amongst themselves. A monster that fought a monster, one slashing the other with its claws, and its adversary aiming for the neck, intent on ripping it with its powerful jaw, neither showing mercy, nether falling back, neither tiring from the duel.

She looked back at the tree that was about to fall over, panicking, then back at the army. They were marching towards the south, towards the most powerful source of life that still shone, and she was too, but to protect that which they were intent on demolishing. She wasn’t going to stop them alone, but at least she could slow them down.

Marea headed towards the tree, closed her eyes and did what the Guardianship’s power was for. From her came forth energy and life, and she poured that on the mountain, until it thrived with newborn spirit, clad in color and light once more. Once she’d finished, from below the mountain the noise wasn’t coming anymore from the lion and the wolf that had been fighting, but from the entire mass of beasts, all racing to the feast that had just been laid out in front of them. They would climb their way up the rocks, eating way the life that had just been made, all wanting to take a piece of it, but Marea would make sure that nourishment was not all they would find at the banquet. Darkness in Siela was known as only shadows, and she was the guardian of Darkness. The Nameless would have to fight their way to the feast, and they would eat the steel of blades made of shadows before they reached it. Marea fled quickly and unseen from the mountain, but behind her she had left an army of her own, of faceless men and women, all armored, all armed, all shadows, all standing to face the Nameless and be killed in unwinnable battle against the monsters that would undoubtedly have a great feast that day.

She swore to herself once she’d reached the bottom that she would one day return to take back once more that place, the place where she had truly become a Guardian, hoping that the tree close to downfall would still be there when that time came. But, sadly, it would not be, as it was uprooted and thrown down the side of the mountain, its pink leaves falling lightly and extinguishing, as she ran away, as a guardsman of smoke fought the lion near the creek.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
runandhide
Review
runandhide wrote a review Review · Aug 31, 2014

Hi!

I really liked this! I haven't read the first part of the prologue but this alone has drawn me in!

I liked your writing style, I liked how you showed us what was going on and didn't simply tell us, and I thought the last sentence was definitely one to be proud of! I also really liked Marea as a character, she was brave and unrelenting but their was still a sentimental, more sensitive side to her that I really loved!

I think my favourite part was how simply she grew, because its reflective of easily circumstances can change someone like when you said

"Marea looked back to where she had come from, but could not see the city, only smoke rising from its rubble in the distance."

I also loved when we find out that she's guardian of darkness, because you would assume she would be evil, but she shows she's actually a good character and I liked that

"From her came forth energy and life, and she poured that on the mountain, until it thrived with newborn spirit, clad in color and light once more. "

I loved the above description! Its so simply elegant and its such a non violent approach to defeating the evil so really great job there!

Overall I really loved it! I can't wait to read more! :D

Segreto replied · Sep 1, 2014

Hi! Thank you very much for the review and the kind comments, I'm glad you liked my story
Oh, and welcome to the site ;)
Thanks again, and have a nice day!

User avatar
Caesar
Review
Caesar wrote a review Review · Aug 30, 2014

Yeah I have absolutely no idea what's going on now. Remember that vagueness I was talking about in the first part? It's brought up to eleven here. There are a lot of big things going on, but I can't really appreciate them because I haven't been told what this means.

Marea seems to know what Guardianship is all about. I don't. Maybe in part one the voice should remind her of what that means? It would be helpful. Also she has a wolf what. Where did that come from? Suddenly she has a wolf. Just like that. It wasn't there a paragraph before. Keep in mind that we aren't the author. We don't know what's going on in your head. It's understandable to skip some details, which is why I'm pointing it out. Details are important.

Secondly, if these are pages taken from a holy text, congratulations, you could write the next Bible. This is solemn and stiff. Otherwise, well, this is solemn and stiff. There are no thoughts or emotions from the character. No little details of her actions. We're told what she's doing from a narrator above. I found reading this physically painful. I had to stop halfway, take a break, and ask myself if I was brave enough to continue. The grammar is there, and the content is all there, but it's so heavy and difficult to digest. If this is deliberate, fine, de gustibus, if not, keep on reading.

I think the stiffness is due to a lot of reasons. Pronouns are used a lot as subjects. I think this creates some distance. We know her name, use it more often. Then, and I cannot stress this enough, give us things we can relate to. For example, her fear of the dark seems cultural. Fear of the dark is reasonable. Does she see ominous shadows reaching out to her, vaguely illuminated by her Soul? Does she bump into things? All of these things seem reasonable considering there are horrible monsters in the dark. She encounters one. I'd build up the suspense for that, and maybe describe it a bit more than 'a tall dark things'. Does it have humanoid or monstrous features? If it is really just an amorphous shadow, does it radiate an emotion? I'm assuming fear, but what kind of fear? Is it heavy in her gut, or is she hyperactive and alert, skittering whenever a cricket chirps? Marea doesn't seem to be afraid at all. The thing just dies Maybe, conversely, she knows they can't hold a candle to her, and she strides boldly forward, daring them to come at her? I know she 'walks forward'. But how? This is the time where synonyms are good. They convey a certain shade which I am curious about.

This is valid for the entirety of the chapter. I would like to see more of her emotions and impressions. I would also like things explained to me, like say, what am I reading.

as a guardsman of smoke fought the lion near the creek.


wat. Wat is this. There was no mention of any of these things. Or pink trees.

If you can make these things a bit more clear, I think the chapter will be more streamlined and easier to read.

Hope this helped
-Ita

Segreto replied · Sep 1, 2014

Hi again!
It seems this needs more improving than the first. Again, your ideas are very helpful and inspiring, I will keep them in mind.
There are two reasons I chose not to have the voice explain the Guardianship to her is. Firstly, I wanted to show that Marea already knows about it, two, I feared it would become an info dump. I think I will change this by taking your advice in the previous part, by explaining that she had seen and studied the throne room in books and how she had become amazed and attached to the place via the drawings and tales she read of, then use the voice to explain the power. Hopefully I'll kill two birds with one stone like this.

For all of your questions there is an answer, and I did try to put them in the chapter, though it seems I haven't done a good job at explaining.
I'll answer them for you, and, if you have the time or the will, you could help me in finding a way of making it clearer.
The wolf-like creature is the shape that Marea's Soul takes, which is a separate entity form her. As explained later on, she isn't human, but Anima, and all Anima have Souls which take the form of animals.
The guardsman of smoke is a soldier form the army Marea created to slow down the advancing Nameless. The pink tree is the decadent tree near the creek, which, once resurrected, had pink leafs.

Thanks again for the review, it helped as much as the first. I'll try to improve as much as I can.

Caesar replied · Sep 1, 2014

oh I'm dumb, I completely passed over the part where you actually do tell us she creates an army of smoke. That makes /slightly/ more sense, but it still could be done a bit more smoothly. How?

I'm going to apparently shoot myself in the foot and suggest you slow things down a bit. You'll be glad to know my foot is fine though (not as much as I) when I explain. What I said earlier on the slowness of the piece is still valid, but when it comes to what is legitimately important, spare no details. Cut away from what is less important, add to what is. You say she brings life to the trees? Show me the trunks reconstructing, the vibrant passage from gray to bright rainbow or whatever trippy shade your tree is. You say she summons an army? Show me the shadows of the trees elongating into weapons, raised to the sky in defiance. Show me their charge against the Nameless.

I will always assume Everything Is Normal Until Otherwise Stated. Since clearly nothing here is normal, state it. By establishing something as quickly as possible, nobody will be confused when it happens again.

On the same note, when in the first chapter you tell us her Soul takes shape, describe it taking shape into an actual wolf that prowls by her side. A good place to do this would be in the throne room itself, or maybe on the Blue Trail.

Hope this helped more. It's always nice to see people appreciate your reviews.

Segreto replied · Sep 2, 2014

This helped plenty more, thank you very, very much. I shall keep all of your advice and great ideas in mind and work on improving



An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown