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Guardianship Prologue: The Throne

She went back to the Throne just a few hours after the battle had broken out. Dawn was coming, shedding light over the land where a great city once stood, which had become a battlefield and now lay in ruins. Destruction had rained on the city, where the Nameless had come to take away all life and the Guardianship. The ashes of the old world fell, nothing had remained intact, except the building in which the Throne was kept. It stood among the rubble, rising magnificently above the gray ashes; the roof had fallen, the walls had been torn apart, and yet it stood, even if it was half destroyed, resilient, determined to exist.

Tears ran down her cheeks as she saw what had happened. Her thoughts were racing, and emptiness neared her heart. The only thing she wanted was to reach the Throne. Guilt overwhelmed her, even though she knew she could not have prevented any of this from happening. What happened to the people who lived here? What horrors did they have to face? Why did I survive? I have no right to survive, I should have died in their place. I don’t…I don’t deserve this, I don’t…

She reached the walls of the building, more tears sliding down her face as she let out a strangled scream that sounded similar to what a dying, wounded animal would make. She climbed over the destroyed walls, more pieces of it crumbling to the ground. Next to her lay the beautifully elaborate wooden doors that once closed off the building from the outside. The interior was decorated as elaborately as the doors were, with lines and words engraved on its cold dark surface that was barely visible under the bricks stones and dust from the roof which had fallen, and now the sky could be seen from above. Claw marks left by the Nameless had ruined the beauty of the carefully engraved walls that still stood.

In the far end of the room a set of steps lead to the higher part of the building, where the great Throne rose, made of something similar to black glass, glinting with a dark light, slashed in the middle, nearly divided in two. It was a piece of beauty. The stone it was made from seemed as if it had either been carved carelessly from a single, large block, or that it had been assembled from different shards of crystals. It had many sharp edges, its back rising to nearly four meters of height, the highest crystal resembled a sword, and was probably as sharp. Behind it there were pieces of broken glass of the destroyed window that rose high behind the Throne, which used to be quite colorful, depicting something of importance, which was now scattered across the floor, destined to be forgotten. On top of the window engraved on the wall was written:

Here stands the Nascent Throne. Carved from the stone made of glass, it belongs to those who are destined to become great in the battle’s resolve, it belongs to the Guardian Of Darkness, and it is the place where the Guardianship lies

She climbed down from the pile of the ruins the walls had become, her talons echoing across the deserted room as they made contact with the floor, her Soul following closely behind her. She headed towards the Throne, little clouds of dust rising as she crossed the room, then a voice that belonged to no one sounded across the room.

“What do you seek in the fallen city?”

The voice was soft, kind and reassuring, but there was a hint of sadness inside it. The girl was not scared of it, she had been expecting it, it was after all, what she had come for.

“I seek the power of the world,” she said, her voice cracking, as she wiped the tears from her face.

“The power of this world is given only to those with honest reason. Do you have such a reason?” replied the voice.

“My reason is to end the reign of those who destroyed the city that once rose here, my reason is to bring back the fading lights.”

She could feel power washing over her, as the writings and drawings on the walls and floors lit up, glinting with the same black light that the Throne emanated. Nearly a minute had passed, and the voice had not yet spoken.

“Please!” she said, desperately. This was the only thing she had left. If the voice did not grant her the powers of the world, she would have nothing to live for anymore, there would be no reason in her life. For years she had searched this place, the place where the Guardianship of Darkness ley, and had traveled from far and distant lands.

“You have an honest reason, and a heart that is weak, broken like the Throne is, and your intentions are pure. You are worthy of the power of the earth that lie here,” said the voice. The walls, the floors and the throne were no longer glinting, but shining strongly with black light now, the power was getting stronger and stronger, “Marea Caedere, I shall give you the power of the world, the power to create and destroy, to conceal and protect, to bring the people together in their time of desperation, for it is your destiny to become great in the battle’s resolve. I bring down on you the power of the Guardianship of Darkness, and the wings which hold its power.”

The Throne lit up, and she felt the power seep within her, and she felt stronger, more powerful than she had ever been, but, just like when she had acquired the element of Darkness, she felt the pain that came along the power: sadness, despair, terror, guilt, hate. Her Soul was glowing with the power as well, and slowly, two pairs of wings started to form behind her, shining the dame way the Throne did.

“The wings of Darkness, my power, now yours,” said the voice, which was starting to slowly fade along with the lights of the room.The only thing still bright were Marea’s wings and soul. She moved the two wing in front of her, the embraced her, warm, like a blanket. They were not made of feathers or scales, but of crystals, the same that made the Throne. Lowering them to the ground, the blades scratched the floor, then they shattered and became sand

“They will shatter when they are not need them, but you can summon them at will. They are yours to command. I have little time left,” said the voice, barely audible now, “I can answer to one question you will ask me, and the answer I will give you will undoubtedly be truthful. You may ask for anything you wish to know.”

Marea knew the question she wanted to ask, it had burned inside her for years, ever since she had become a Darkness wielder, but she was scared of what the answer will hold. Will people like me? If it was yes, she would be stronger than she ever was, but if it was no, she would be broken, unrepairable. She feared making wrong decisions, and in this case, the time was running out.

“I have…nothing to ask,” she finally said. Marea turned and headed towards the wall she had come inside from, but the voice called her back, “Marea! Save our world, save Siela…all my hopes lie with you…”

“I promise, I will not let it Fade,”

---

Note: this was revised after GoldFlame and Birkhoff's review.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
GoldFlame
Review

Hey, Flame here!

I love reviewing prologues, because they tend to reveal more of the author's style. This, however, felt more like a first chapter than a prologue. Many details were thrown at the reader. You swapping the main character's name for pronouns and inserting italicized dialogue also added to the confusion. I understand you're trying for an enigmatic atmosphere, but this can cause frustration to the reader.

I have to say, though, that this really grabbed my attention. Why was she crying? Why does she have talons? What's going on????? And, most importantly, when is the first chapter going to be up :P? Your pacing, my friend, is perfecto.

But there are some issues with fluency. Repetition, awkward phrases, occasional overuse of active voice:

"Tears ran down her cheeks as she saw what had happened. Her thoughts were racing, and emptiness neared her heart. The only thing she wanted was to reach the Throne. Guilt overwhelmed her, even though she knew she could not have prevented any of this from happening, she found something to be guilty for."

Your attempt to accentuate her grief was...rushed. The clauses weren't necessarily short, but they were clipped. I'd also suggest replacing the clichés ("tears ran down her cheeks," "thoughts were racing"). And the fourth sentence...nagged at me. It was unnecessarily repetitive, and its deletion wouldn't affect the paragraph at all.

"Inside the floors were as elaborate as the doors had been..."

This comes out a bit confusing. Maybe consider: "The interior was decorated as elaborately as the doors were."

There were also some instances where you combined sentences without a conjunction or semicolon:

"It was a piece of beauty, the stone it was made from seemed as if it had either been carved uncaringly..."

Should be: "It was a piece of beauty. The stone it was made from..." (And replace "uncaringly" with "carelessly" :) .)

"'This is the Nascent Throne, carved from the stone made of glass, it belongs to those..."

Should be: "This is the Nascent Throne. Carved from the stone made of glass, it belongs..."

You get the gist. So the rest of this review is composed of the tiniest nitpicks, just things you might've missed while rereading your piece...

"...it is the place where the Guardianship lays..."

Should be "lies."

"...her talons echoing across the deserted room as she made contact with the floor..."

Should be "...as they made contact with the floor..."

"...her voice cracking, as she wiped the tears from her."

Wiped the tears from her what? Her face, you mean?

“The power of the of the world is given not to passersby, but to those with an honest reason."

Could be narrowed down to: "The power of this world is given only to those with honest reason."

“I promise, I will not let it Fade”

A period should be inserted after "Fade," before the quotation mark.

One last thing. All the italicized paragraphs should not be surrounded by apostrophes. Those are only necessary for dialogue within dialogue (or, of course, contractions and showing possession).

I hope that I wasn't too hard on you; this piece has a lot of potential. I loved how you capitalized important nouns, and your descriptions were detailed and yet left room for interpretation. Keep up the good work!

Hi! Thanks for reading and reviewing!
I fixed all the grammar errors you found, and I'll try to fix this so it won't be as confusing.
Oh, and the first chapter is out already ;)
Thanks again!

No problem! Will take a look :D.

User avatar
birk
Review
birk wrote a review · Sat Jan 04, 2014 7:00 pm

Hey Segreto!

Alright, time for some sword and sorcery fiction. I have several things to comment on, so I'll just jump right to it.

I see you wrote this as a prologue, but I don't see anything here that deems it necessary for a prologue. The reasoning behind a prologue is to inform the reader of something they wouldn't naturally pick up in the story itself, or shouldn't. This seems more like a first chapter.

As for your writing, it's okay. And it's great for your age. There is a lot of imagination in your writing and plot, and you use a lot of good descriptions, thoughts and character monologues, thought to varied effect.

I'll go through what I picked up:

Suggestion

Dawn was coming, shedding light over the land where a great city once stood, which had become a battlefield and now lay in ruins.
Sounds better. And battlefield is one word.

Nameless

This is something you could include in a prologue. Explaining to us who these guys are.

Edit
It stood among the rubble,


Edit
rising magnificently above the gray ashes; the roof had fallen,
Use a semicolon here.

Edit
knew she could not have prevented any of this


Claw marks had ruined the beauty of the carefully engraved walls that still stood.
This really intrigues me. What caused these marks? Beasts? Dragons? Sounds interesting.

Edit
It was a piece of beauty


Edit
the stone it was made from seemed as if


Guardian Of Darkness

You reference this a lot, as well as similar things. Guardianship, wielding darkness etc. It's an entirely new mythos you make yourself, and we know nothing about it. This is of course something you can explain over time and fill in later, and I'm interested in them.

Edit
as she made contact with the floor


her talons echoing across the deserted room as she made contact with the floors, her soul following closely behind her.
This is very confusing to me. She has talons? And her soul follows behind her?

then a voice that belonged to no one sounded across the room

Again, I'd want to know who or what this was later in the story. Seeing as it granted her the 'Guardianship of Darkness', I presume it's either the former Guardian, or some prophet of some sort?

Edit
it was after all, what she had come for.

Forgot a period at the end.

Suggestion
she wiped the tears from her face.


For years she had searched this place, traveled from far and distant lands.

I thought that this was her city, but I kinda like this. She's searched long and traveled far only to find it as it's being destroyed and left in ruins.

Edit
and a heart that is weak


Edit
said the voice,its voice barely audible now


evince

No, this doesn't fit here. Just go with 'ever since' instead.

“I promise, I will. If the world dies, I die with it. I will not let it Fade”

This line is terrible. It contradics itself....twice! She promises that she'll save the world, then she says 'if the world dies, she'll die with it. Then she again says that she won't let it fall.

Alright, and that was the prologue. For your age, I am impressed with what I see. You have great imagination and write a lot. That is very important.

What I mostly had to do today was break out my red pen, as there were a lot of grammatical errors in the piece. However, after a while on YWS, these problems will be erased quick enough. Once they do, with your creative writing, your works will only get better and better. Can't wait to read those.

Keep it up!

Cheers
Birkhoff

Hi! I must say this is probably the best review I have received so far, it really helps. Thank you for taking the time to read, I'm glad you liked it.
I'll fix the errors you have found, and I do like the suggestions you made, I had plans of expanding most of the things you said later on.
Again, thank you very much for this review, I hope I can make the rest as enjoyable as this one.



I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin.
— David Eddings