Guardianship, Ch.1 - The Girl Who Held Darkness (Edited)

“Come on! Please!” a young man was shouting to the silence, his frustration rising. He focused again, his Soul by his side, his face screwed up in concentration, and set the palms of his hands on the tree’s bark. He channeled the energy of his Soul to the tree, and it lit up instantly, its leaves shining with color. It was beautiful sight to behold in the middle of a forest where all the trees had withered away, no life remaining in them.

“Yes. Maybe this time!” He slowly stepped away the tree. For a few seconds the tree still shone, but then the light started fading away, until it was colorless like the rest. He lowered his head in defeat, his hands curled up in fists. He so desperately wanted to see the tree stay alight, but he had had no success so far. He lifted his head up, ready to attempt reviving the tree once more.

“You will obtain nothing if you keep doing this, Rio Guerriero.”

He turned and saw an elder leaning calmly on a tree, his blue eyes fixed on the young’s Soul, which was shining brightly. It rose splendidly, its stride long and majestic, its antlers strong and proud, reaching towards the sky. A South-Kiren Creatye, the kind and harmless deer that were now a rare sight in Siela. Rio smiled at him and waved, recognizing him as the Keeper of the Guardianship of Souls. He seldom came to town, and preferred to stay where the Guardianship was, only making an appearance when there were traditional feasts or the like.

“There is no way you’ll be able to revive this forest. Only Guardians can. How long have you been trying to do it?” he said.

“The whole day," he sighed.

The elder chuckled, then said, "Well, you have spirit in you, can't deny it. Only Guardians can fix this mess though. Why doesn’t a handsome man like you have anything else to do other than thinking of obtaining impossible things?"

This remark hurt him a little, and the elder must have noticed, as the man’s Soul lowered its ears and turned away.

“There is nothing you can do about this right now. What you can do is go back to town and help out. The Orange tree has just Faded, and one more pair of hands helping to harvest what little we have left is certainly not turned down.”

The young man stared at the elder, aghast.

“It can’t be…”

“I am sorry to so, young man.”

The only tree left that was alive for miles, which had given to many its fruits to live, was now dead, and the town was destined to wither away along with it. There were barely two hundred inhabitants left, the ones who had been born and raised here, but the others had all left to find better luck somewhere in the south or in the Beast’s Land, where the Nameless’ terror had not yet stripped the land of life. They stood in silence for a while, listening to the lifeless leaves stir in the cold breeze, then the old Keeper broke the silence.

“You should go to town. I see that you aspire to greatness, but right now the only thing that you can do of use is helping those in need, rather than trying and failing at something you cannot achieve. Go.”

Rio turned his back on the forest and the Keeper and left, heading towards town. He reached it after half an hour of walking, and found a large crowd huddled in the center, where the old orange tree used to live. It had never been particularly beautiful, its braces looked weak, and its body was nearly completely hollow, but in the past years, as the colors began to fade away, its bright orange leaves had become a source of hope and joy, ad its fruits had fed many. Now he looked at it, and it had indeed withered away, no matter how hard he wished it had not.

“Rio! Hey, have you seen the Keeper?” Another young man, about the same age as Rio, came foreward.

“Hi Reith. Yeah, I have seen him, I was talking to him about half an hour ago at the edge of the forest.” he replied, greeting him and the rest of the people.

“Thanks. We are going to see if he can help us find a way of using the Guardianship or something,” he said, and hurried over along a few of his friends to find the elder. Rio highly doubted that they would discover anything of importance. If he had known something, he was sure would he had already done it, or at least told him about it. He turned towards an alley that would lead to the other side of town and his house, not too keen on retracing the route back to the place he had come from, but with the tail of his eye he saw a person nearing the tree, a complete stranger. The stranger had not noticed him, as he had been hidden from view by the walls of a house, but he could see her clearly. He watched as she neared the tree that had died, looking nervously around her, as if checking whether or not she was being watched or followed.

She wore clothes that were seen only rarely in the southern regions, elaborate and decorated, a long, black dress that was open at her back. The sleeves ending at her scaly forearm, revealing powerful and deadly looking talons. Her feet were the same, and this was undoubtedly a trait she had received from her Soul, along with her ears which stuck closely behind her, a Yuyevhon Creatye. It was large, aggressive, but stately and battle worn, its sharp teeth exposed, its silver fur grizzled, its paws the same as her hands and feet, its ears bent back. Her long hair was silver as the wolf-like creature’s and so where her ears. She had icy blue eyes, dull and lightness. He saw in these eyes a dark flicker.

"Could she be a Darkness holder...?" he thought, upon seeing this.

He was just about to go to her, when she neared the tree and put her hands on the bark, the same way he had done not too long ago, her soul shining. He stopped in his tracks as he saw what she was doing. The tree’s leaves started to color themselves orange again, regaining the life it had lost, its light becoming nearly blinding. He watched in awe as the girl channeled her powers to the tree, and started wondering if she was one of the legendary warriors chosen by Guardianship.

Curiosity was now burning in him, and he started moving forward again, just as the Yuyevhon Soul turned sharply as it heard voices; the people who had left not too long ago were returning. The girl brought her hands away from the tree, which did not extinguish, and left the square in a hurry. Rio tried to stop her, but the people returned, flooding the square, admiring the tree, and he lost her.

“Rio!” said the same man from before, “I can’t believe this…the Keeper was right!”

“What did the he tell you?” he asked distractedly as his gaze still searched for the girl.

“We found him at the town entrance, and we didn’t even have the time to ask him for help. He just said: "you should go back to the tree you just left. Siela has heard our pleads." So we returned and… the tree is alight! He must have persuaded the Guardianship of Souls to help us.”

But Rio knew Siela and the Guardianship of Souls had nothing to do with it, and if the Keeper had told them this, then he must have known that the girl had arrived, and he knew who she was. He turned, leaving the rest to celebrate, intent on finding the elder. He found him sitting on the bench where the villagers had left him, calmly humming a tune, listening to the leaves rustle in the wind, his eyes closed his mind elsewhere entirely.

“Elder!” shouted Rio, breaking the silence, running down to meet him.

“You should learn the art of silence, young man,” he said, opening his eyes and turning towards him, “you are as excited as I though you would be. Did you witness the event?”

“Yes! Keeper, have you seen her?”

“She came to me a few minutes ago, didn’t even hear her coming. Now that is what I call being silent. She asked me what the state of things were here and where the Guardianship lies, but I don’t think she recognized me as the Keeper. Very polite, I must say. A nice young girl. But I have heard that all the Darkness holders are kind. The few that survive, at least. I had yet to meet one”

“So it’s true…she holds Darkness,” he said.

“I am afraid so. Darkness, tarnishes all that it sees in its path, and this girl was not spared.”

“Where did she go?”

“To the deepest part of forest. I believe she intends to revive the whole place. But dear child, do not go in there. The forest is riddled with-”

But Rio had already taken off, leaving the elder in mid-sentence, and he ran down the street that lead to the forest, the sky darkening above him. The scenery became more and more dreary as he went, but from the high hill the city was built on, a light could be seen shining in the middle of the forest, a light that brought colors back to the world, the light that Marea was casting on the forest.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
ickeschr
Review

This seems like an awesome idea, and I would say run with it. However, every so often people need some water to keep them moving, and your "water" would be taking the advice of the people on here. The one thing I want to say about your writing is to show us how or why things are the way they are. Such as, why did the scenery become more and more dreary? Or why is the forest dead/dying? Trust me when I say that the idea for your book is an awesome one.
My only word of advice, in case you already have not, is to outline your basic story plot. Then, if you have time, or want to, outline the places the characters go. Create the world as you want, after all it is yours. I find outlining everything helps. So far, I have outlined my basic plot, the places my characters visit, each of their backgrounds and characteristics, what they do during their travels, and now I am working on the basic religions of my world.

User avatar
haylstormsx
Review

I'm assuming this is the first chapter of the whole book, that it does not follow a prologue? You need a bigger hook. In the first paragraph you talk about this tree that seems to be very important to your story but you don't describe the tree. There is a lot of telling and not very much showing. Show me the tree! :D

Also, I'd be careful with your commas. In science fiction/fantasy one has to use more details than in literary fiction but they appear in excess in some areas. Break down some of those sentences into shorter chunks--it'll make your story move more quickly.

"The scenery became more and more dreary as he went"

How did it become more dreary? Show!

I think you've got good bones, but you need more meat!

User avatar
Caesar
Comment

yes good this is better. I approve.

The only thing is again, those awkward contractions.

“Thanks. We are going to see if he can help us find a way of using the Guardianship or something,” he said


this caused physical discomfort in me. I dislike the mix between the casual 'thanks' and 'or something' and the we are which isn't contracted. This indecision is still noticeable in some other parts. It's really a minor thing though. Personal preference I suppose.



This is a house of homes, a sacred place, by human passion made divinely sweet.
— Alfred Joyce Kilmer