A little note: this is the first chapter, but I'm considering rewriting it because I would like to change it to Marea's point view instead of Rio's. Do you think it would be confusing if, after the first chapter, I switched the point of view? Or should I use an omniscient third person narration?
Chapter 1: The Girl Who Held Darkness
“Come on! Please!” a young man was shouting to the silence, his frustration rising. He focused again, his Soul by his side, his face screwed up in concentration, and set the palms of his hands on the tree’s bark. He channeled the energy of his Soul to the tree, and it lit up instantly, its leaves shining with color. It was beautiful sight to behold in the middle of a forest where all the trees had withered away, no life remaining in them, and now their husks were black, colorless.
“Yes. Maybe this time!” He slowly stepped away the tree. For a few seconds the tree still shone, but the light started fading away, until it was colorless like the rest. He lowered his head in defeat, his hands curled up in fists. He so desperately wanted to see the tree stay alight, but he had had no success so far. He lifted his head up, ready to attempt reviving the tree once more.
“You will obtain nothing if you keep doing this, young man.”
He turned and saw an elder leaning calmly on a tree, his blue eyes fixed on the young’s Soul, which was shining brightly. It rose splendidly, its stride long and majestic, its antlers strong and proud, reaching towards the sky. A South-Kiren Creatye, the kind and harmless deer that were a rare sight in the land of Siela.
“You are the Keeper of the Guardianship of Souls,” he said.
“Indeed. And, if in my old age memory serves, you are Rio Guerriero”
“Yes…I wouldn’t think that you knew me.”
“I know everyone in this town, and I must say, my granddaughter loves gossip. I know the names of every handsome man in town," he said, smiling. And handsome he was. Tall and well built, with silvery blue hair, and shining blue eyes, he had a slim tail he had received as the only trait from his soul. He'd become quite famous in the years amongst the town girls over the years, but he had no interest with such things, as he had more urgent tasks to attend to. He turned again towards the tree and sighed.
“There is no way you’ll be able to revive this forest. Only Guardians can. How long have you been trying to do it?” he said.
“The whole day," he said.
The elder made a little laughed. "Well, you have spirit in you, can't deny it. Only Guardians, however, can fix this mess."
"Then I’ll become a Guardian!” he exclaimed.
“You need a Guardianship to become one.”
“I’ll find a Guardianship then!”
“And I think you’ll find that Guardianships are, shall we say, addicted to complexity. They like to make things hard for people. They choose you based on criteria that we cannot fathom. The only thing you can do now is help the town; it is in great need of help. The orange tree has, regrettably, come to pass as well.”
“But it can’t be!” he gasped.
“I am sorry to say it is so, young man.”
The only tree left that was alive for miles, which had given to many its fruits to live, was now dead, and the town was destined to wither away along with it. There were barely two hundred inhabitants left, the ones who had been born and raised here, but the others had all left to find better luck somewhere in the south or in the Beast’s Land, where the Nameless’ terror had not yet stripped the land of life. They stood in silence for a while, listening to the lifeless leaves stir in the cold breeze, the old Keeper stirred again.
“You should go to town. I see that you aspire to greatness, but right now the only thing that you can do of use is helping those in need, rather than thinking impossible things. Go.”
He turned his back on the forest and on the Keeper and left, heading towards town. He reached it after half an hour of walking, and found a large crowd huddled in the center, where the old orange tree used to live. It had indeed withered away, no matter how hard he wished it had not.
“Rio, we are searching for the Keeper. Do you know where he is?” said a man about the same age as he was.
“Yes, I was talking to him about half an hour ago at the edge of the forest. He’s the one that told me of the tree’s death.”
“Thanks, we are going to see if he can help us find a way of using the Guardianship or something,” he said and hurried over along with the rest of the crowd towards the forest. Rio highly doubted that they would discover anything of importance, for if he had known something, he was sure would he had already done it. He turned towards an alley that would lead to the other side of town, not too keen on retracing the route back to the place he had come from, but with the tail of his eye he saw a person nearing the tree, a complete stranger. He had so far been hidden by a stone wall, and this stranger had not noticed him yet. He watched as she neared the tree that had died, looking nervously around her, as if checking whether or not she was being watched or followed.
She was very beautiful, wearing a long, black and very elaborate dress that was open at her back. The sleeves ending at her scaly forearm, revealing powerful and deadly looking talons. Her feet were the same, and this was undoubtedly a trait she had received from her Soul, which stuck closely behind her, a Yuyevhon Creatye. It was large, and appeared even more majestic than Rio’s Kiren, aggressive, but concentrated and battle worn, its sharp teeth exposed, its silver fur grizzled, its paws the same as her hands and feet and its ears bent back. Her long hair was silver as the wolf-like creature’s and so where her ears. She had icy blue eyes, dull and lightness. But behind that veil of sorrow, they saw things no one could even imagine and they saw farther than anyone could see, and hers was sad face, one of those that had smiled many times to hide away sorrow, but that had truly smiled only three or four times.
She neared the tree and put her hands on the bark, the same way he had done not too long ago, her soul shining. As she channeled the Soul’s energy to the tree, a pair of black wings appeared on her back. The tree’s leaves started to color themselves orange again, regaining the life it had lost, warmth spreading over the center of town as the light became nearly blinding. He watched in awe as the girl channeled her powers to the tree, and started wondering if she was one of the legendary warriors chosen by Guardianship.
The Yuyevhon soul turned sharply as it heard voices; the people who had left not too long ago were returning. Alarmed, the girl brought her hands away from the tree, which did not extinguish, and left the square in a hurry. Rio tried to stop her, curious to know her name and who she was, but the people returned, flooding the square, watching in awe as the tree shone, and he lost her.
“Rio!” said the same man from before, “I can’t believe this…the Keeper was right!”
“What did the he tell you?” he asked distractedly as his gaze still searched for the girl.
“We found him sitting on a bench at the town entrance, and we didn’t have the time to ask him for help. Then he said "you should go back to the tree you just left. Siela has heard our pleads". So we returned and… the tree was alight! He must have persuaded the Guardianship of Souls to help us.”
But Rio knew Siela and the Guardianship of Souls had nothing to do with it, and if the Warden had told them this, then he must have known that the girl had arrived, and he knew who she was. He turned, leaving the rest to celebrate, even though he had the feeling that the feast was yet to begin, intent on finding the Keeper. He found him sitting on the bench where the villagers had left him, calmly humming a tune, his eyes closed.
“Elder!” shouted Rio, breaking the silence.
“You should learn the art of silence, young man,” he said, opening his eyes and turning towards him, “you are as excited as I though you would be. Did you witness the event?”
“Yes….Keeper do you know…?”
“Of course I know, I am the Keeper of the Guardianship that lies not far from here. She came to me a few minutes ago, didn’t even hear her coming. Now that is what I call being silent. She asked me what the state of things were here and where the Guardianship lie, but I don’t think she recognized me as the Keeper. Very polite, I must say. A nice young girl.”
“So she is a Guardian?”
“Yes, she is.”
“Of what?”
“Well, didn’t you see? A person can become a Guardian of the element he or she holds, and hers was quite clear, it always is to us who hold the element of Souls."
His mind had touched the thought, but the girl had seemed so graceful, he did not want to believe she had been the victim of such a terrible fate.
“…so it’s true. She holds Darkness…”
“I am afraid so. Darkness, the strongest element in existence, tarnishes all that it sees in its path, and this girl was not spared.”
“Where did she go?”
“To the deepest part of forest. I believe she intends to revive the whole place. And I already know that nothing I say will stop you from following.”
Rio smiled and ran down the street that lead to the forest, the sky darkening above him. The scenery became bleaker and bleaker, and if was as if all colors had been taken from the world. But from the high hill the city was built on, a light could be seen shining in the middle of the forest, a light that brought colors back to the world, the light that Marea was casting on the forest, because it was her wish and duty to bring back Siela’s life, and she was not going to stop until every tree had life anew.
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Note: This was edited after GoldFlame and LuciditysNovelit's review
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Yo.
I like Rio a lot already, even with so few words on him compared to say, Marea. You know why? You've created emotional attachment. He desperately wants to save his village, and will do whatever it takes, even though he's powerless. One could say this drives her also, but Rio actually struggles with his task. I can relate to difficulty, I can relate to persevering despite the odds are stacked against us. I can't relate to Marea since she's all like 'sure Imma revive this forest, excuse me for a sec as I wave my hand'. She's pretty godly already. If this is deliberate, then I see what you're doing, and commend you. The fact you played her up in the previous chapter only highlights his weakness. Rio will make a good main character. If Marea is the intended lead, however, you'd best get around to nerfing her, or I won't be able to form an emotional connection, and then I'll stop caring, and that will be bad all around.
I think though in this chapter you've done a much better job of introducing the lead. Some of his traits (and flaws) are established with just a few actions. That's how it should be. I assume it was deliberate, but I'll be the obvious reader and point them out anyway, in case perchance they weren't, and having them laid out will help you apply these guidelines to other situations.
Right from the bat, I could see his frustration. Shouting at the tree, hands curled up in fists, these are all actions I understand easily. Later still, when he breaks the solemn silence at the arrival of the Keeper, that establishes his impatient nature. Maybe you want to emphasize how silent and solemn it was before Rio goes and breaks it. Then his determination to find Marea, because he knows she'll be able to help restore the village. That's also characteristic. The fact I'm using the word characteristic already is an excellent sign.
The voice of this chapter was also much fresher, please do keep it as it is. The only suggestion I have when it comes to changing it is actually removing those last few lines where it suddenly changes to Marea's point of view. We know what her duty is, she's said so repeatedly. Multiple times. With emphasis. Go away Marea.
Some quick notes on the dialogue here. You said it's a small village. Everyone knows each other in a small village. I suggest you reflect that familiarity in the dialogue. The elder probably has seen Rio grow up, he doesn't need to address him as 'young man'. Or maybe he does, but he's still seen him grow up. He definitely doesn't know him only from his daughter's gossip. Another example is when the other guys show up asking for him. Maybe Rio calls them by name, or they grin, any small thing to signal they're friends, or at least know each other. Grammatically, contractions do suggest familiarity (at least in my mind, it's less formal). Sometimes you use them for the narration, other times you don't use them in dialogue. Chose one and stick to it, or it throws me off D:
Again, as for the Souls issue, you could try giving them name. Might be cheesy, but it's easier than saying Soul or the species it looks like all the time. Maybe you can introduce the true name thing, if that was planned. Basically I'd like an easier way to remember them. Also, I thought Marea's soul was a dog? They can shapeshift?
Another detail is when they're reflecting on Marea's tragic notsotragic fate. I suggest keeping the readers in suspense for a while longer. Like when Rio goes 'she holds Darkness, then', just have them both exchange solemn stares or something. Enough to understand it's grim, enough to keep the readers still gnawing at that bone. We're like dogs. We want bones to chew at, but if you give us too many too quickly, we'll get stomachaches and die, or something. I think that's how dogs work? I'm a cat person, really.
At any rate, I really liked this chapter, my hat goes off to you. A final suggestion is don't edit anything. Focus on powering out more material. You're going to change your mind in time anyway. The reviews won't go anywhere, too. You'll be able to access them once you're ready to edit everything. It becomes frustrating otherwise.
Hi! I have to say, thank you very much for sticking with the story, I really appreciate it.
Well then, I'm glad you preferred this chapter and Rio. I do however plan on keeping Marea as the lead, and it was not my intention making her as godly as she appears now. She is more broken and fragile than it seems, and this becomes a great obstacle later on, to a point where Rio, as powerless as he is now, becomes much stronger than Marea. I hope I will be able to convey her emotions well as the story goes on, though I haven't been pleased with the results so far...
I don't know about the idea of giving Souls names. It might clear up the confusion of knowing what soul belongs to whom, but I think it might also cause more of that. For every anima character introduced I would have to give two different names, and so far we would already have 6. I'll consider it and see how it goes.
And no, Marea's Soul hasn't shape shifted. It's still a canine-like creature, and the name of the species is Yuyevhon Creatye.
About the not-editing, I have already written an edited version of this chapter, to fix things and add things, and I was thinking of publishing the new version.
more distraction on my part as for that I suppose.
I dunno, I felt like I connected more with Rio. Marea is pretty otherworldly.
I suppose you should publish it, then, but srs, avoid editing until first draft completion
I'll try to work with more with Marea to make her more believable then
I've published the edited chapter one, and a new chapter, and I solemnly swear I will not edit again until I'm finished
goodie, I'll check them both out later today.
Thank you very much
Flame here, as promised!
You've done a fantastic job revising. Your descriptions were cleverly incorporated, the perfect complexity, and didn't choke up your paragraphs. The beginning also hooked me in: What was the young man doing? Why was he talking to the forest? Obviously no issues with the plot and pacing, and the only spelling errors I found were "battle warn" and "twohundred." Should be "battle worn" and "two hundred." Numbers are never combined into one word, and they're only hyphenated with two-digit numbers. Forty-two. Ninety-nine.
My main concern is your fluency. Several run-on sentences and awkward phrasings caught my eye. Your grammar was also inconsistent. Not so bad as to affect the meaning, but it was slightly distracting.
I'll just list some of your mistakes below in chronological order, so that they'll be easier to fix:
"A" shouldn't be capitalized, as "a young man was shouting" qualifies as a speaker's tag. I'd also suggest being a little more subtle with introducing the fact that he's alone. Maybe "shouting to the silence?"
This could be broken down into multiple sentences: "He channeled the Soul's energy to the tree, and it lit up instantly, its leaves shining with color. It was beautiful to behold in a forest where all of the trees had been reduced to colorless husks."
Tone down the ellipses! All of the ellipses in this piece are wholly unnecessary. I'd also suggest converting the dialogue to italics (to a thought) and replacing the word "parted." "Parted" is a word that can only be used in passive voice. Maybe "He slowly stepped away from the tree?"
The bolded sections are the edits. I'm also unsure who you're referring to when you say "it." You contradicted yourself by calling the person/animal a "man" and using the pronoun "his." Maybe change "elderly man" to "elder" and replace "his calm blue eyes" with "its calm blue eyes?"
This goes for all dialogue; if a speaker's tag exists, remember to insert a comma before the second quotation mark. Unless the dialogue ends with an exclamation or question. If there is no speaker's tag, and the dialogue doesn't end with an exclamation or question, insert a period before the second quotation mark.
The article could be deleted.
"If" should be uncapitalized.
Who are you referring to when you say "handsome he was?" Rio? Maybe clear that up a bit.
Should be "they like."
A semicolon should replace the comma, and "can" should replace "could."
Remove the comma and uncapitalize "it."
"Rather than thinking impossible things", maybe?
Replace the second comma with a period, and capitalize "do."
The second comma should be deleted.
Should be "brought her hands away" rather than "brought away her hands." Also replace the comma after "stop her" with a period, or delete "he was."
Insert a period before "help" and replace "that" with "then."
The apostrophe should be outside of the period.
Should be "celebrate." You could also delete "to ask him many questions."
Replace "ley" (lay?) with "lie."
One last thing. Try to keep things as simple and clean as possible. For instance, "the kind and harmless deer that was a rare sight in the land of Siela [awesome name, by the way
Overall, great job. I know I attacked you pretty hard, so apologies for that. I love how you're doing things from the perspectives of animals! Oh, and I think it's perfectly fine to keep things from Rio's point of view. Omniscient third person could get confusing.
Keep up the good work! I'll be reading more of this, for sure!
Hi! (Extremely late reply, sorry).
Thank you very much for reviewing!
I corrected all of the mistakes you pointed out, except for one: substituting his with its when referring to Rio or the elder. I know of course that they are not human beings, so using "it" would be correct, but it just doesn't sound right in my mind, as Rio is a male. I'm trying to find out a way of doing it differently, but the only way I can think of doing it is by specifying the species he belongs to, Anima, but I'm afraid that it would just confuse the reader more by dumping too much information, so for now I think I'll leave that as it is.
I'm happy that you liked the plot, I'll try my best to make an even better piece next time
Thank you again!
No problem! And it's perfectly fine, using "his" instead of "its." My only concern is that you stay consistent. I definitely enjoyed this, though, and the reply was worth the wait
!
I'd like to begin by saying that this story seems to have a lot of potential, but there will have to be a lot of work put in if you want to reach it.
My first problem is one that seems to continue throughout the narrative - you seem to be having some difficulty with "show, don't tell." The first example that comes to mind is right around the beginning: "For the hole morning, he had been trying to bring back to life a tree, in vain." Misspelling of "whole" and awkward phrasing aside, there are really dozens of ways to "show, not tell" the reader that our hero has been trying to revive this tree for quite a while. You could have him be somewhat snapping throughout the conversation, or even just "tell" something a bit more specific.
The next one is another general thing - the of vagueness as to what "souls" are. While I'm not asking for exposition, or "as you know, Bob..." a little more information on that subject would be welcomed, since this seems to be foundational to the story.
The rest of my problems are more specific than general, but the story would still benefit a lot if they were fixed.
Be warned: nit-picking ahead.
"and now their husk was black and colorless." "Their" is a plural pronoun, so using "husk" and opposed to "husks" is grammatically incorrect. Also, the phrasing here is rather awkward; I'd recommend changing it to something like "and now their husks were black colorless."
"He turned and saw an elderly man, leaning calmly on a tree..." While I'm a big fan of commas, this is a bit unnecessary and takes more away from the flow of the piece than it gives.
"They choose you, based on criteria that we cannot fathom." Again, this comma is unnecessary. If you're trying to indicated a pause, I'd recommend replacing is with an ellipsis.
"...two-hundred..." This shouldn't be hyphenated.
"...but right now what you can do of use..." I understand that this is in dialogue, but it still reads awkwardly. I'd recommend changing it to "what you can do to make yourself useful," or something else along those lines.
"...something” he ..." there should be a comma between "something" and the quotation marks.
"...he was pretty sure..." Here, "pretty" breaks up the flow. I'd suggest that you delete it entirely.
"She was very beautiful, and wearing a long black and very elaborate dress that revealed her back, the sleeves ending at her forearm, revealing her scaly hands equipped with powerful and deadly looking talons. Her feet were the same, and this was undoubtedly a trait she had received from her soul, which stuck closely behind her, a Yuyevhon Creatye. It was large, and appeared even more majestic than Rio’s Kiren, aggressive, but concentrated and battle warn, its sharp teeth exposed, its silver fur grizzled, its paws the same as her hands and feet and its ears bent backwards. Hear long hair was silver as the wolf-like creature’s and so where her ears. She had icy blue eyes, dull and lightness. But behind that veil of sorrow, they saw things no one could even imagine and they saw farther than anyone could see, and hers was sad face, one of those that had smiled many times to hide away sorrow, but that had truly smiled only three or four times."
You essentially stop the narrative here to describe this character, as well as giving us some information that Rio (from whose perspective the story is largely told) couldn't possibly know. A lot of this description should be split up and woven into the action, rather than stopping the story entirely for the sake of an (admittedly descriptive) block of description. As a side note, it's impossible to either determine how many times someone has smiled (within that close a margin, especially) or how far they can see at a glance. That sort of thing doesn't manifest itself so specifically.
"Rio tried to stop her, he was curious to know her name and who she was..." Again, this should be shown and not told. Simply describing his actions in a bit more detail could get this across much more nicely.
That's mostly the extent of my nit-picking, so I'd like to end this admittedly critical review with the comment that this story seems to have quite a lot of potential. As I said before, continue working out the nitpicks and this could be the beginning of something really excellent.
Hi! Thanks for the review, it really helps.
I read the story again and I found and fixed may grammatical errors, I'll edit it to fix what you pointed out as well, and I'll try my best to change it so that I don't tell.
Thanks again!
Ah, yes. The details about the Souls and Guardianships will come along in the next chapter.
Also, this is the first chapter, but there is a prologue before it. Would you mind checking it out?
Interesting story world you have here. Might I give you a couple hints.
1. Words aren't always spelled the way the sownd.
2. 'The Darkness Wielding Girl' grammatically incorrect (and doesn't sound too cool). Try "The Girl Who Held Darkness", or if you just want to be correct try "The Girl Who Wields (ed?) Darkness".
3. Try to introduce your character's a bit more before jumping into the story. Okay? You're getting a bit ahead of yourself and it's messy.
But this story world is very interesting. I'm curious to see where it'll go.
Hi! Thank you for taking the time to read!
ok, then:
Point.1 Yeah, I have a problem with spelling, I tried my best, but I'll read it again to find all the typos.
2. Thank you for pointing that out, I like "The Girl Who Held Darkness" and I've renamed the chapter that, if you don't mind
3. I might have introduce Rio a little too quickly, but the main character was already introduced in the prologue.
Thank you again!