Guardianship, Prologue - The Throne (Part 1) (Edited)

She went back to the Throne just a few hours after the battle had broken out. Twilight was falling, and the little light that remained shed light over the land where a great city once stood, which had become a battlefield several hours before, and now lay in ruins. Destruction had rained on the city, where the Nameless had come to take away all life and its Guardianship. The ashes of the old world fell from the darkening sky, nothing had remained standing, except the building in which the Throne was kept. It stood among the rubble, rising magnificently above the gray ashes; the roof had fallen, the walls had been torn apart, and yet it stood, even if it was half destroyed, resilient, determined to exist.

Tears ran down her cheeks as she saw what had happened. Her thoughts were racing, and emptiness neared her heart. The only thing she wanted was to reach the Throne. Guilt overwhelmed her and, even though she knew she could not have prevented any of this from happening, she found something to be guilty for. But above all, it was fear that took her heart. Fear that she had not made it in time, and every step she took into the city that was now more dead than alive seemed to confirm this.

She reached the building, more tears sliding down her face as she let out a strangled scream. She climbed over the destroyed walls, more pieces of it crumbling to the ground. Next to her lay the beautifully elaborate wooden doors that once closed off the building from the outside. Inside the floors were as elaborate as the doors had been, with arborescent lines and words engraved on its cold, dark surface that was barely visible under the bricks, stones and dust from the roof which had fallen, and now the sky could be seen from above. Claw marks left by the Nameless had ruined the beauty of the carefully engraved walls that still stood, and the black banners with the six-leafed flower, symbol of the Nascent Throne, had also been torn to shreds by the monsters.

In the far end of the room a set of steps lead to the higher part of the building, where the great Throne rose, made of something similar to black glass, glinting with a dark light, slashed in the middle, nearly divided in two parts. It was a piece of queer beauty, the stone it was made from seemed as if it had either been carved uncaringly from a single, large block, or that it had been assembled from different shards of crystals. It had many sharp edges, its back rising to nearly four meters of height, the highest crystal resembled a sword, and was probably as sharp as one. The girl thought. Behind it there were pieces of broken glass of a destroyed window, which used to be quite colorful, depicting something of importance, which was now scattered across the floor, destined to be forgotten. On top of the window, engraved on the wall, in Siela’s ancient language, was written:

“Here stands the Nascent Throne,

belonging to those who’ve fought their battles alone.

Carved from stone made of glass,

Only those whose heart is shattered may pass,

And grasp the silent power that here lays asleep,

The power of the night theirs to keep,

their fate to rise to greatness in the battle’s resolve. ”

She climbed down from the pile of the ruins the walls had become, her talons echoing across the deserted room as she made contact with the floor, her Soul following closely behind her. She headed towards the Throne, little clouds of dust rising as she crossed the room. Once she was directly in front of it, she fell in a low bow, her ears bent back, then a voice that belonged to no one sounded across the room.

“What do you seek in the fallen city?”

The voice was soft, kind and reassuring, but there was a hint of sadness inside it. The girl was not scared of it, at the contrary, it was a relief to hear for it meant that all hope was not yet lost. It was, after all, what she had come for.

“I seek the power of the world,” she said, her voice cracking, as she wiped the tears from her, bravery building.

“The power of the of the world is given not to those who simply come, lightly asking, for who knows what intentions they might be masking, but to those with an honest reason,” replied the voice.

“My reason is to end the reign of those who destroyed the city that once rose here, my reason is to bring back the fading lights.”

She could feel power washing over her, as the writings and drawings on the walls and floors lit up, glinting with the same black light that the Throne emanated. Nearly a minute passed, and the voice had not yet spoken.

“Please!” she said, desperately, her brow still facing the black floor. This was the only thing she had left. If the voice did not grant her the powers of the world, she would have nothing to live for anymore, there would be no reason in her life. For years she had searched this place, the place where the Guardianship of Darkness lay, and had traveled from far and distant lands to reach it. She tried to reassure herself with one thought, that the Guardianships could see what the soul truly thought, that there was no lie that one could belie when standing in front of them, though that was no more than a legend.

“I see you have an honest reason, and you mean the world no treason, and you’ve a heart that is weak, broken, like the Throne is, so I will grant you what you seek,” said the voice. The walls, the floors and the throne were no longer glinting, but shining strongly with black light now, the power was getting stronger and stronger.

“Marea Caedes, I shall give you the power of the world that lies here, the power to all the things endear, the power to command the shadows which will aid you in all your battles, the power to bring forth that which is most beautiful and that which is more fearsome, the power to bring the people together, and to become known by the shining of the wings made of glass feathers. I bring down on you the Guardianship of Darkness.”

The Throne lit up, and she felt the power seep within her, and she felt stronger, more powerful than she had ever been, but, just like when she had acquired the element of Darkness, she felt the pain that came along the power: sadness, despair, terror, guilt, hate. Her Soul was glowing with the power as well, and slowly, two pairs of wings started to form behind her, shining the same way the Throne did.

“Stand now, brave child, ” said the voice, which was starting to slowly fade along with the lights of the room. The only thing still bright were Marea’s wings and soul. She did as told, moving the two wings in front of her; they embraced her, warm, like a blanket. They were not made of feathers or scales, but of crystals, the same that made the Throne. Lowering them to the ground, the blades scratched the floor, then they shattered and became sand.

“They are yours to command, they will return at the wave of your hand,” said the voice, barely audible now, “I regret to say that I have little time left, and now that you have been blessed you can ask me one question, which I will answer undoubtedly truthfully. You may ask for anything you wish to know.”

Marea knew the question she wanted to ask, it had burned inside her for years, ever since she had become a Darkness holder, but she was scared of what the answer would be. The voice’s time was running out, and she had to decide before it did.

“I have nothing to ask,” she said in the end. Just as the final light faded, she bent her knee and bowed deeply towards the throne again, “You’ve granted me my wish. I know you’ve done so because there was no one else who would stand before you, and your choice may have been made out of desperation or convenience. But rest assured,I promise, I’ll not let Siela Fade.”

Comments & reviews · 2
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Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!

...and the little light that remained shed light over...

Just a quick comment on the repeated "light." The second time I read it, my mind said, "Well I would hope light sheds light." XD You might want to just do a mild adjustment there.

The ashes of the old world fell from the darkening sky, nothing had remained standing

The comma splicing. Honestly, you could probably get away with a semi-colon, but the piece has been pushing long sentences enough already. I'd recommend just breaking it up into two sentences.

even though she knew she could not have prevented

Conjunctions are your friend. Making that "could not" a couldn't breaks down the formality a lot (especially since this has been a lot of block, narrative text so far). Be careful about having too much formal writing. If you're not careful, you can distance the reader too far from the story and they end up not really caring about the characters.

Inside the floors were as elaborate as the doors had been, with arborescent lines and words engraved on its cold, dark surface that was barely visible under the bricks, stones and dust from the roof which had fallen, and now the sky could be seen from above.

Long sentence. Please break it up a little bit.

The girl thought.

The girl thought what? Apparently your long sentences have gotten the better of you this time, for you've seemingly attached something where it shouldn't have been. At this point, I'd recommend going back over the piece and figuring out which sentences ought to be shortened or broken up. From here on out, I'm only going to point out the sentences that need major attention.

The girl was not scared of it, at the contrary

(Sentence break there.) That phrase should be "On the contrary," so just a minor hiccup.

...so I will grant you what you seek,” said the voice.

Literal deus ex machina. For seemingly unlimited power. Huh.

just like when she had acquired the element of Darkness

Wait, wouldn't the Guardianship of Darkness consist of the element of Darkness to begin with? How are those two separable? (You'll probably answer that later on.)

Not asking questions, even when you're scared of the answer, is always a bad idea. (Been there, done that.) Minor capitalization error on the last sentence ("Siela Fade" made it sound like a name).

Other than that, you've got a pretty good setup in this prologue. You've got a very solid foundation, and enough allusion to a backstory (without oodles of exposition rabbit trails), so you're definitely ready to head on. As shall I, to the next chapter.

Hope this helps!

This Review Day Review courtesy of
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Hi! Thanks for taking the time to review!
I will go through it again and fix the errors you've found (and I must say some are pretty silly...) and improve it.
If you don't mind I'd like to know what makes you think that the Guardianship a deus-ex machina. I'm familiar with the term, and I alway try to avid it, so if you could give me your opinion on it I could try and improve on it a little. Also, most of the Guardianship's power is explained later on as the story develops, and your question will be answered.
As for the not asking the question, it was meant to be a mistake. Marea will regret it later on.

Thanks again for the review! Have a nice day :D

User avatar
Caesar
Review
Caesar wrote a review · Sat Aug 30, 2014 2:19 pm

Such fantasy. Much young adult. Very drama. Wow.

Unlike poor Doge, the content here isn't that dated, at least. I do appreciate the fact she's gained power right at the start, as opposed to when the plot demands. I think that a story where the protagonist learns how to cope with power can be more interesting than the protagonist coping and then earning power, if only because we see that more often.

There's a small error in the title I'd like to point out before I get to the review proper. It says prologue. This is not a prologue. This is information conveyed in-story. It doesn't matter that chapter one is going to be set far in the future. This seems to me very much chapter one. It meets all the requirements of a first chapter. It's got a hook, it gives some information, it introduced a character. No need to call it prologue because all cool fantasy books do. I might prove to be stellarly incorrect. I'll have to read to the end, I suppose.

As for the contents of it, there are some things which I would smooth out. The introduction, for starters. I find it a bit clunky. If the focus of the chapter is meant to be the majestic building, perhaps it should start with the narrator observing the majestic building. Something like

showing is always better than telling! wrote:

She cried in relief when she saw the [insert name for Throne Building]. It was the only one to have survived the destruction. The roof had fallen, the walls were torn apart, but it stood, determined to exist. Not even the Nameless had been able to strip it of its majesty.


This paragraph is of questionable merit, but it does establish a few important things right off the bat. The focal character of this chapter is a she. She is looking at the throne building, which is important (at least to her). Things called the Nameless exist, and they're probably not good news. Writing styles vary, but I encourage you to incorporate this information as quickly and smoothly as possible.

Something you did which I liked in the unrevised version of this was include her thoughts. I find it's a more direct way of putting us in the character's mind. Those should be brought back. I'd have her walk towards the building, and alternate the desolation of the outside with the desolation of the inside. See, that's poetic. In this revision the fact guilt overwhelms her is told, not shown. There are some details, like the tears and the scream, those are good. How a character reacts to something varies by character, and details communicate this effectively.

Another question that arises. Are there no people? It's a destroyed city. There probably are. You specified it was a battlefield. There probably are. If there are, I'd have her see a smashed baby's head and have her scream. That would be good reason to. If there aren't, I'd remark on it somehow.

The description of the throne room is fine. If this room meant something in particular to the character -- which I assume it does -- maybe that should be shown. More cycling between landscape and thought, perhaps? Some things could be strengthened with similes if you want to go down the poet's path. Again, that association I mentioned between inner and outer desolation. You could play up on that. Seems like a good thing to do.

As for the ethereal voice. Kind, reassuring and sad are a bit vague. Similes and metaphors here are definitely your friends. When something is vague, like a concept, it needs to be likened to something I can understand more easily. Is it a mother's voice, or a teacher's? Is it a sad little delicate flower of goth kawaiiness? I hope it isn't. There's another term for those.

she felt the pain that came along the power: sadness, despair, terror, guilt, hate.


red alert: vague levels are becoming perilously high! Call the hazmat team! The reader might not understand what's going on, and call you out! Initiate anti-emo procedure!

All those strong words mean something to someone, but I want to know what they mean to Marae. That's why I'm here. To find out more about her. What does she feel, specifically? Is she reminded of anything?

That is perhaps the main issue I had with the chapter. The lack of focus. I'd work on that. Make it so that every expression means something in relation to the character.

Hope this helped
-Ita

Hey! Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to do this splendid review, it really helps a lot.

I will keep in mind what you said about the introduction and try and fix it a little.
The suggestion you made about the switch between internal end external desolation is great, and I already have some ideas to improve it, as well as focusing more an Marea.
The pieces I removed from the unedited version I removed because I was afraid it would be exposed too clearly. I guess I over boarded with keeping it subtle.
As for the people it's mentioned later on that the Nameless leave no body behind.

Thanks again for this review, it helped a lot, and I will try my best to fix it. Have a nice day!



The only distinction that makes one a hero is constantly fighting back your villain arc.
— RangerofIthilien