Sonnet #1
I see in you that lilting melody
That trips its merry way through tried and true
Without the care to say hello to me,
Nor even trees, or stars, or morning dew.
But underneath that superficial mask -
Is there a softer undertone you hide?
A harmony that longs to try - to ask?
To love and laugh and on the free air glide?
And if inside you such a thing exists,
However does this fictive life prevail?
Perhaps I can still pull you from the mists,
And draw this fake, this warmth-consuming veil.
I hope to one day see the truth revealed.
But first, you must be, like an orange, peeled.
Sonnet #2
There's always something there for us to see -
A chance for us to open up our view:
At every place, on every face and tree,
There will be something beautiful, or true.
We only need one glance to see the world
In color, shape, or inch, or yard, or mile
But if we want its mysteries unfurled,
Infinity must greet us with a smile.
And yet there is still so much there to learn,
To ask about and think, or make a stand-
And if it is for knowledge that we yearn,
We can at least begin to understand.
This power that we have to wonder so
We must use well, for us to truly grow.
Hope you like! :)
Okay, back for Sonnet #2.
So, again your rhymes were very natural - more so than the last one, even, because in this one there was no spot where I felt like you really had to reach for a rhyme.
But the thing is, I'm not getting any specific imagery out of this one. There wasn't a ton of it in Sonnet #1, but I was more okay with that because it was following a melody (which you can't see), and you did have good words like "lilting" and some concrete things like "trees, or stars, or morning dew," plus that last image of an orange being peeled.
But there's not really any of that at all in Sonnet #2. The only concrete, halfway specific images we get from this one is "tree" and "Infinity must greet us with a smile." You do *mention* "color, shape, or inch, or yard, or mile" (I really like that line, by the way), but "color" and "shape" are really generic. So is "something beautiful."
Something you could potentially do to revamp this is to write a list of beautiful things, or colors, or shapes. Be as specific as possible when writing this list. Then take what you've written and see if any of it could be incorporated into the poem. Maybe something you've written in your list could replace a vague phrase like "something beautiful," or maybe this will require a complete rewrite.
But you've obviously got the rhyming thing down. Compared to that (in my opinion), changing vague phrases to concrete images is a pretty easy fix.
Let me know if you do anything else with this; I'd love to come back and read it again.
~Blue
P.S. Once more, just because I loved it so much: Great job on the first line/two lines in Sonnet #1!
Hi there!
First, Sonnet #1:
I love that first line. That's the reason I decided to read this in the first place. "I see you in that lilting melody." Just lovely.
I for the most part you did a good job on keeping your metaphors together - it was pretty easy to follow along, it went together well, you had some nice diction, and most of the rhymes felt pretty natural.
But I was wondering if "through" in the second line was meant to be (or could work as) "though"? I think you were going for "tripping its merry way through," but - maybe it's just me, and maybe it's just because of the "tried and true" afterward - I felt like "through" didn't work there particularly well. I had to kind of read that line over again, just because of that one word. I suppose "though" might not quite work as far as your meaning goes, however..."through" just made it awkward for me to read.
And that last line was super-awkward. That was the only spot in the poem where I felt like you really had to grasp at straws for a rhyme, because prior to that everything flowed very naturally, and none of the meaning had to be sacrificed for rhyme. Then I got to the last line and I was kind of like, "Erm..." I mean, I can see the image you were going for - maybe it's just the wording that's awkward. Like instead of "but first you must be, like an orange, peeled" you could try "but first, like an orange, you must be peeled."
Because I think it was just the interruption in the midst of the very phrase that made it awkward. And you don't want it to be awkward, because the reader has been going along enjoying the poem, and then suddenly the enjoyment gets halted due to a bit of awkward phrasing.
So just fix that and I think you've got it!
(This is already really long, so Sonnet #2 will follow in a new post.)
These are very beautiful. Slightly cheeky putting two things in one post, but I will forgive you, because they are very nice. Although, if you had put them separately then I could have got two reviews! Which would have been awesome
Because I am in a reviewing contest, you see.
Are you only 12? That's amazing. You will be Shakespeare one day. It's amazing if you're 80, as well. You are very talented. Ha ha ha, making up my 250 word count with blabbering. Sneaky, is it not? It is just that here is very little to suggest for these, but I will try my very best.
The first one is absolutely gorgeous. Are you actually only 12? I know I've already asked that, but wow.
Because there is nothing bad about this, I will comment on the extra good bits.
" I hope to one day see the truth revealed.
But first, you must be, like an orange, peeled."
this is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. If I wrote this I would hug myself forever and feel so smug that I could never write another word.
"Nor even trees, or stars, or morning dew."
Lovely. This is really nice. It has a sort of traditional sound.
The second one has no lines I can pick out as being especially wonderful, because it's all just very good. Maybe it's better that way because it flows without me stopping and going THAT IS AMAZING! I MUST DIE OF ENVY!
I really like the whole meaning in this one.
So, in conclusion, roll over Shakespeare. These sonnets are amazing.