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140,224 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hey Sapi!
I love how it was a really omnious and forboding (excuse spelling) theme throughout until the very deep and meloncoly ending..beautiful! however I feel you used unnessary words
try this
"What is happening to me?
I feel the ground begin to shake ,
but nobody around appears to see
though soon, my barriers will break.
The sky shivers and twists,
the ground gives in ,
I feel them pounding with fists,
I cannot escape my fate.
With one last breath and spurt of will,
I shout to thoseon the street.
my pleading amounts to nill.
They avert their gaze, ignore to the heat.
I lose all hope,
give up all cause.
and easily fall
into waiting jaws...."
Ignore punctuation but that;s the general idea, sometimes more is less. I mean it's still a little edgy cause to be honest I'm awful at stuff like meter XD
But as long as you see my point. I thought it was really nice and painted lots of cool imagrey with very lucid words to help make the idea more vivid!
Keep it up!
~Kat
Hi Sapi!
This was certainly an interesting piece. I loved the perfectly executed rhyme scheme that does not seem forced at all. I also like the idea of something that crucial happening to someone but no one seems to know or care. However, I would like to know more about what exactly is happening to the narrator. Is it metaphorical or literal? I think you need to add more information as to what exactly is happening in the poem. Overall it was a very good piece. Keep writing!
~Pencil
This is very beautiful. I can relate to it, even if it's not about what you were writing. You've left it so open that it's easier for people to relate with different things. You don't specify on one thing, you don't say exactly what it means. This helps us a lot.
Very good! I suggest you keep your writings open-minded. I enjoy it.
10/10
Good afternoon,
Very interesting piece of spontaneous writing, although I wouldn't particularly call it very original. The idea of ignorance and the difficulty to 'open one's eyes' as it were, is a subject often tackled by the arts. Saying that, originality can come with time. For now, I'll look at the skill of this poem as it is.
I have to say I really do not like the first line:
We don't need to be drawn so explicitly into the breakdown it is clear your protagonist is having some lines later. This rhetoric works more as an off-putter than a point of intriguing investigation. It also sounds pretty melodramatic, which doesn't fit some of the rest of the poem's word choices which follow more violent themes like "fists" and "jaws", etc.
However, moving on into the poem I have to say I really like some of the imagery. This is by far your strongest part of the sonnet:
There is the true sense we too cannot escape and it is a very lively image of falling. It is a shame you mentioned the sky so dramatically before because there is then something missing in these strong lines - and that's the power of the sky, the symbol of hope and the possibility of escaping ignorance. These lines are still very impacting, but they need some kind of relationship with final hope too.
I have no quarrels with the other lines in your poem, bar that they lack any real special effect on me. They're all very good, but normal. To 'avert' one's gaze, as it were, is a pretty common action for most. To 'ignore the heat' if you're talking of revolutionary themes or, less politically, of some personal emotive ignorance they're ignoring, is again quite a normal metaphor. Could their be some other way of explaining it that does not involve simple metaphors but something more specific; elaborate if it need be, but try and also keep the clarity you have, because that is also very, very good indeed.
With regards to your couplet:
In a sonnet, this should be the part you leave us on, to think about. However because you've made it so final we just leave abruptly and frankly take little from your poem. That is probably another reason it feels unoriginal. You're lacking the rebellious spirit against ignorance and are giving up, your protagonist ironically falling into the pool of ignorance himself. An interesting concept, but a pessimistic "normal" ending to a rebellion against ignorance. The line, "And so I lose all hope, give up all cause." is to rushed and final, and "So easily fall into waiting jaws." doesn't work because punctually it is its own line - so I must ask, is it your protagonist falling into the jaws? If so, the jaws of whom? You do not explain and clarity is lost here, which is a shame.
All in all, this is very, very good spontaneous writing. I hope I have given you plenty of points to refine this into something you can truly be proud of. You have a talent for imagery so make the most of it.
Best,
B