Three gaunt and hooded faces,
Water droplets running races,
Three phantoms dripping down the windowpane.
Room number kahikatea;
Te Papa Tongarewa-
A museum, abalone, jade and wood.
Gum balls in a dirty machine;
Crisp white sheets on a comfortable bed;
Musical edelweiss, soft and clean;
The smiling face of a newlywed;
A cluster of ants on the countertop,
Tiny jaws holding their newest finds;
A strawberry flavored lollipop;
Mud-streaked, torn-up window blinds.
Phantoms of memories mix and merge,
Lying in bed and they start to surge
Through the channels of my mind-
Images clear and bright as day:
Haunting tears, rotting melon rind;
Laughs and smiles and an orange tray.
They go by too fast for me to think
And I'm much too tired, I'm on the brink
Of sleep, oblivion, dreams to come
More memories, twisted, one by one,
But I can't let go. The phantoms stay
And keep me company in the lengthening night.
I close my eyes; the stars blink away;
Again I'm thrust into the light of day.
The rushing music of the ocean;
Sickly sweetly scented lotion;
Jarring pops of firecrackers in the street.
Compass needles tracing parchment;
A photo's digital enlargement;
Three phantoms dripping down the windowpane.
This is honestly an amazing poem. The entire thing was just captivating. The imagery was very crisp and it all flowed so well. The first stanza just drew me in,and from third line on I kept thinking "Wow, this person really knows what they're doing." And I'll admit, I was very surprised when I saw you're only 13. I know this isn't much of a review, but I have no real complaints or things I would change. Just keep writing, you have serious potential.
Aww, thanks!
I really like this. I just enjoy poetry. I know that the point of poetry is sometimes to be enigmatic, but you didn't specify a tipping point for your character.
Little grammatic thing, I think many of the semi colons would be better as commas. If you were going for more separation, you might want a period, no punctuation at all, or a new stanza.
Are you sure you meant to say "Sickly sweetly"? I feel that you don't need two adverbs there.
I like your repetition. I don't feel buried; however, I feel like the point has been driven home.
I really like this line: "Phantoms of mermories mix and merge."
I also like that your character doesn't necessarily remember the happening of whatever it was, but remembers remembering that act. If that was what you were going for. That was how I interpretted it.
Thanks! I did mean to say "sickly sweetly", but maybe not the best idea. XD It sounds like you interpreted it how I imagined it, that's probably good. Thanks for the advice!
~Sapi
Great! Hope I helped you.
Definitely.