Searching For Reason

What I think you are reaching for here is real, and I do respect that. You are clearly trying to say something about how people trap you inside their perception of you, how self-esteem gets shaped and warped by the judgments of others, and how identity, envy, manipulation, family, money, and status all start bleeding into one another. That is not a shallow set of concerns at all. There is actual seriousness here, and I would always rather read something rough that is honestly trying to get at something than something cleaner that says absolutely nothing.

That said, I do have to be honest, but, while probably still better than at least 60% - 70% of submissions ever sent in here, I think that, as a poem on the page, it is less successful than it attempts to be. The main reason isn't that it's bad or that the writing is poor (it isn't), but that it often reads less like a shaped poem and more like a stream of connected thoughts, and that makes it hard for individual lines to really land. The ideas keep moving before the language has had time to sharpen. So as a textual poem, it feels a little loose, a little repetitive, and at times awkwardly phrased in a way that blunts the force of what you are trying to say. I do not mean the ideas are weak. I mean the form is still unsettled.

And honestly, that gets to the main thing I noticed: this reads to me more like lyrics than like a standalone poem, and as lyrics I actually think it works noticeably better. A lot better, really. If I imagine this attached to music, or at least carried by cadence, voice, and beat, a lot of the things that feel like weaknesses on the page suddenly make a lot more sense. The repetitions feel more natural. The directness feels less clunky. The shifts in thought feel more like part of a flow. On the page by itself, some of it can feel baggy or uncontained. But as lyrics, that looseness starts reading as emotional momentum instead of structural weakness. So, part of my difficulty in judging it is that I genuinely cannot tell whether this is trying to be a poem-poem or something closer to lyric writing. If it is the former, I think it needs more shaping. If it is the latter, I think it is actually pretty solid.

To clarify, my main criticism is that the language does not always match the size of what you are trying to say. A BUNCH of these ideas are real, and frankly beautiful, but the phrasing can be awkward or too abstract, so instead of hitting cleanly, the piece sometimes sprawls. That is also why I think it reads better as lyrics than as a poem on the page: in lyric form, directness, repetition, and a looser flow of thought can work if voice and rhythm carry them, whereas on the page those same qualities need more compression and control. So, to me the next step is less “write deeper” than “figure out the right container.” If you want this to work as poetry, tighten it and cut harder (or, alternatively, fuse it with something larger); if you want it to work as lyrics, lean into that, because I honestly think your instincts may be stronger there.

Hmmm Hmmm….!! I had to take a pause and actually think of what to write as a review for this piece. It envisages a lot of diverse points that are breathtaking but although, the Poem from the beginning to the end do not state out one point and such, the Work is kind of scattered (permit me to use that word for lack of adequate words). When I read towards the end of the Poem, I tried matching it with the beginning but there was no perfect link and trying to understand the mind of the poet was kind of difficult (even if I’m a poet myself). As a poet, your work should be easily captured am the same thing goes for the mind of the poet because even the reader finds it difficult to uncover this, then the poem becomes boring as no one wants to get a headache from reading.

Furthermore, I’ll like to appreciate your work as it tends to state the obvious and elucidate valid points of life and as to how a lot of people capture you In their minds eye. Not everyone will say good about you and not everyone will love you. Everything good or evil, is first conceived in the mind and that is the power house of whatever we get from life

Hmmm Hmmm….!! I had to take a pause and actually think of what to write as a review for this piece. It envisages a lot of diverse points that are breathtaking but although, the Poem from the beginning to the end do not state out one point and such, the Work is kind of scattered (permit me to use that word for lack of adequate words). When I read towards the end of the Poem, I tried matching it with the beginning but there was no perfect link and trying to understand the mind of the poet was kind of difficult (even if I’m a poet myself). As a poet, your work should be easily captured and the same thing goes for the mind of the poet because when the reader finds it difficult to uncover this, then the poem becomes boring as no one wants to get a headache from reading.

Furthermore, I’ll like to appreciate your work as it tends to state the obvious and elucidate valid points of life and as to how a lot of people capture you In their minds eye. Not everyone will say good about you and not everyone will love you. Everything good or evil, is first conceived in the mind and that is the power house of whatever we get from life