Day One
That night, I return home to the smell of stew wafting out the cracked window. The candles aren't lit, which Harold always promised to leave burning to let me know he's home. If he's not home, what's the scent drifting by? I pull the knife from the inner band of my pants and grip it behind my back.
I push open the squeaky door and sniff. The smell is coming from the pot on the stove. In the corner of my eye, I notice a dark figure peering at me from the table.
"You're late." he growls from the table. I relax my posture and stow the knife away. I can't see his face, which is hidden in shadows, but I assume Harold's got a look of pure anger. I close the screen door quietly, and cross my arms.
"What's the difference? I serve my purpose and you-"
He slams his fist onto table, unsuccessful in his efforts to scare me. I roll my eyes and await his sure tirade. Instead, he surprises me with a soft voice I haven't heard in years.
"Alice, you're my sister, I don't want you to get hurt. It doesn't help that every time I encourage you to feel the same way about yourself, you blow me off. You may do the dirty work, but it's my job to keep you safe."
I pretend to stifle a laugh, he's absolutely unbelievable. This must be his attempt at a peace offering, something to get me submit to his ridiculous rules. It's not like I haven't heard the same speech before, only this time he's speaking in a reasonable volume.
"Keep me safe then, but don't lock me away in a house falling apart! I don't want my only contact with people to be right before I kill them."
There's a poison in my words, despite my efforts to keep calm. My brother stands up, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.
"What am I supposed to do then? How should I protect you?"
"Are there any jobs for a normal twenty-one-year-old? How about a school for a normal fifteen-year-old?"
He narrows his eyes. "You know very well what would happen."
"No, I don't. You know, I finally see why mother left. She couldn't stand to hear your sorry-"
He swipes his hand against the surface of the table, knocking my bowl of stew from it. Dark chunks of meat and soggy vegetables splatter against the yellowing walls, and the bowl shatters against the concrete floor.
"Harold, I'm sor-"
I try apologizing, but he ignores what I'm saying and storms out the front door. I flinch at the sound of wood cracking upon impact. I still hate his words, and the real intent behind them, but they're muted in my mind, and my first priority is to find him. That is... if he wants to come home. I do the only thing I can think of.
Thirty minutes later, I'm at the front lawn of Rory. Her house is like mine, deteriorating with age. Vines snake up the walls, cracks are visible in the foundation, and by the smell of it, they don't have indoor plumbing. But the warm light spilling out from the bubbly windows and the rich voices from inside, makes it so easy to overlook all of that. The idea that something as simple as that making up for all of your flaws, weighs on me. It must be the reason people thought my brother and I to be unapproachable. I feel a sting in my eyes and force my stiff legs to move forward.
. . .
"What are you doing here?" Rory is surprised, but she's also grinning. "Actually, scratch that, how did you get here?"
I shrug. "It's a second floor window, not particularly hard to climb to. We need to talk."
"Sure, sure. Just... get inside. Somebody might get the wrong idea seeing you in my window." She slides the creaky window open a tad bit more, enough so that I can climb in comfortably. I notice her room, memorizing the details as I'm so used to doing. The walls are covered in pale pink wallpaper, yellow suns dotting the creases like a bandage. Her furniture, consisting only of a dresser and a bed, are worn but sturdy. I notice the old comforter on the mattress, and the name, Rowan, elegantly inscribed on the bottom right corner. Rory notices me staring, and brings an old candle over.
"Here, take this. It's cold outside, you must be freezing." She hands me the stubby candle, which I take carefully, hoping the avoid the scalding flame. Rory shuts the window as I rest on her bed.
"So... why are you here?"
I look up, realizing I hadn't thought this through. Very unlike me. "Rory, you remember what I told you in the woods?"
She nods. "And I'm supposed to believe it was true?"
I consider my options. Tell her and risk my brother and I's operation... or more importantly, a friendship. It's out of the question. I should have never told her the truth, but how was I suppose to know I wouldn't end up killing her. I guess if I were a normal kid, that wouldn't have been the first instinct I had. She was just too damn likable to kill. I realize I need to convince her that there must be something else present. Yes, that's it! A family matter.
"Of course not. But that's just it, the money, it doesn't belong to me. I... stole it. My brother didn't realize that, and he just found out tonight. I need your help."
She nods, taking in the words seriously. After a moment, a smirk tugs at the corners of her mouth. "I knew you were lying. What do you need?"
"We had a fight. My brother, Harold, ran off. He left me alone at the house. It's imperative- I mean, important- that I get him back."
"Aw, that's easy! I know just what you need." She reaches for my hands, and I resist the urge to kick her legs out from under her. Rory pulls me to my feet, giggling hysterically before realizing no one knows I'm here.
"And what's that?"
"I'll tell my siblings I'll be spending the night at a friend's place. Your brother will come home soon- they always do. But if you're here, that means you need someone to keep him off your mind until he's ready to come home."
"Need someone how?"
She opens the window, motioning for me to make my escape. Eyes narrowed, I comply, but my expression is obvious that I'm waiting for an answer.
"For a slumber party, silly! Now hurry and make your way into the yard, I've got to go. Meet you in five."
A small chuckle slips out from my mouth, more hysterical than relieved. She may have no clue what I need, and the idea gives me a terrible feeling in my gut. But I've done many stupid things already, what's the harm of another?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hey Forever back with a review!!!!
I can't really see anything very wrong with the chaptef and also the reason behind you not liking it. I quite liked it. This chapter has a great role in the character development, I think. It has some actions but more than that a lot of revelations about the characters inner side, beliefs, etc.
Though Alice misunderstans her brother, Harold seems quite concerned about her sister. He really wants to keep his sister safe and he gives his best effort in that. He is obviously a good brother. I wonder why their mother actually left them. I can smell some mystery. What would really happen if Harold finds a job for himself? I mentioned that in the last chapter too about why they are really doing this.
Alice seems to be a friend with Rory. Rory's idea was quite amusing. She seems to be quite ignorant of the fact tht so many murders have been committed by Alice. Yes, considering that Alice didn't let her know the thing, it doesn't seem to very unusual but still I would have checked it, anyway.
Now, here are some nitpicks or rather grammatical mistakes, you can say.
Put a 'the' before table.
Though not sure, but I think submit should be submitted
I will be 'me'
Put a hyphen between second and floor
Are will be is
That's all. It was a good chapter. I will get to the next very soon.
Keep Writing!
~Forever
Hi Rosewood,
Mailice here with a short review!
I liked the chapter. The first half was a mixture of emotion and concern that developed into an interesting and well-written conversation. It was a bit "too simplistic" in places (because it was always talking about the obvious) and yet I liked that it gave you a bit more of Alice and Harold. I like Alice's character, but I also have the impression that she is irresponsible in many things, in the sense that she doesn't think about the consequences. Maybe also because she's a bit selfish.
When Alice goes to Rory's, I liked that you took the time to describe the house. I think something like that could happen more often, even between conversations and plot arcs, to relieve some of the tension and let the reader digest what's come before.
Sometimes you create something like a break in the tension. In this case, you do it right after the first sentence. I don't know if it's your intention, but I would change the "he growls" to "somebody" or something. Alice seems to know who it is, but I would give the reader some more suspense and questions.
I liked how the conversation with Rory developed in the second half. While I don't get the impression that they are friends, it's more like a partnership of convenience, but I think something can still develop in that direction.
I liked that you took the time again here to describe the space where they are. One thing that struck me here in the conversations is the speed with which you move forward. As I said earlier, you get straight to the point on a lot of things (which is perhaps a characteristic of Alice) but I think you can also sometimes put in scenes where you give a summary of what else they're talking about or other things. (Any trivial things that are not directly related to the plot, but might give some new info about Alice / Rory; e.g. what her favourite colour is, etc...).
Is "I" the name of another character or organisation or should it be "my"?
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Salutations Rosewood! We're back with another review of this novel of yours
Anyway, off we go with this (relatively, by our usual standards at least) review! (in the usual Vocabulary -> Grammar -> Interpretation/plot format)
This reads... off to us. It doesn't feel like a natural follow-up to "you're late", as much as something like "What do you care?" or "Sorry, was held up", and so on do. If Harold had said "You're fifteen minutes later than usual", his statement is setting up for a "what does it matter/what's the difference", but then also needs to be followed up with a statement that makes sense after it (i.e "what's the difference? I'm home safe, aren't I?", and so on)
My brother and my operation. We know "my brother and I's" "technically" could work, but more in spoken language (especially with a non-native English speaker), but in exposition (not even dialogue) it does come across ungrammatical.
Now for a spitfire round of small grammatical errors before getting to the storyline
Now that that's done, on to the bigger stuff of this short chapter.
In the first paragraph, you're setting up this potential threat for your audience, only for the fear factor to immediately go away once she enters the house, making the whole "Harold usually leaves candles lit, but now they're not" premise feel wasted/unnecessary. Maybe either prolong this a bit more. Have her, an assassin, try and listen if she hears movement/voices before entering, spend some more time with her thoughts on who it might be/why they're in her house, and so on (Basically "padding the runtime" of the premise, which could also make it easier to recall if it's being set up for later in the novel when it won't be Harold)
To further on this, though we really appreciate the descriptions of the environments this is taking place in now (the rooms, outside of Rory's house, etc), we feel that that lack of description/depiction is still lacking in the dialogue. Both conversations (the Harold-Alice argument, and the Alice-Rory convo) feel rushed, as if what is being said isn't really that important to linger on. This has the (we believe) unintended consequence of your audience not caring, since the conversations are really over before they even began to build plot/character.
Another point is the "time jump" you added into this already short chapter. If you really wished to add one, then it would have worked better before the "Thirty minutes later" chapter. In its current position, you're again falling into the "telling, not showing" issue you had in the first chapter. Instead of showing your audience Alice easily climbing up to a second floor window (and thus also showing us her skills), you're telling us by having Rory ask Alice how she got up there, and Alice replying basically "meh, twas easy". Showing your audience how it was easy for her would get us much more invested in her actions, as well as let us see what she can/can't do.
A last point we have her before our conclusion (realising now this is actually a long-ish review, but hey, we're too lazy to scroll up to edit that part out XD ) is that it feels very OOC (out of character) for Alice, whose "first priority" (as you put it) is to find her brother, but then to immediately head to a basically stranger's house to ask her for help. Not only that, but then not even show any signs of wariness/resistance when Rory is like "Slumber party! Yeah!!"
We're not saying remove the whole "Go to Rory" scene or "slumber party" statement, but we strongly encourage making both scenes feel more in character for Alice's own thoughts (her first priority is finding her brother. Even if her only plan is "ask Rory to help", that's still a plan, and by stating that before she goes to Rory, your audience will feel like they were thrown a curveball.)
In conclusion (today's conclusion will only speak about the "meat" of the chapter, aka plot), if you extend some of these scenes, or show more reasoning/character traits that make the flow/dialogue feel in place, this chapter will both grow (literally and figuratively), and be able to keep your audience more engaged in the plot, and where it is being taken.
Stay slaying, and as the Lego movie sings, let everything be awesome
The Patchwork Pilgrims
Thank you, this was entirely helpful! I usually struggle with the first few chapters, so I hope my writing begins to even out soon.
We're always happy to be of assistance. We on the other hand always hit a metaphorical wall, where we'll leave our chapters for months at a time, and then come back and decide to change one detail that ends up becoming a whole rewrite XD
Momo, here to review!
I- well, I want to be honest. This wasn't the best chapter. It didn't really contribute to the storyline, and it's really short. I'm gonna point out some grammar mistakes. Maybe they will help you think of a way to make the story better?
This is a run-on sentence. Put a period or a semi-colon after "laugh". This happened again later, so PM me if you want me to point that out.
mother should be capitalized here.
What wood cracked? The door? I'm confused here.
I think it should be "Rory's front lawn" here.
Why do they use candles?
I think you should specify Alice is talking here.
trust should be capitalized here.
A comma after party.
That's it. I hope you figure out how to make this chapter better. Keep writing, and have a happy rest of your RevMo!
Momo
I see, thank you! While pointing out grammar mistakes is definitely helpful, my real concern was the actual plot. I happen to know everything after this chapter, but getting through this one was the problem. Anyway, I wanted to point a couple things out including your revisions numbers three and four. The wood cracked because the door frame, (which is wood), had the screen door smashed against it. And them using candles? This will be later spoken about, but they are living in a very poor town and hardly anyone has electricity, hence the reason they are all desperate for money.
I really did not like this chapter, no matter what I tried to fix it. Any and every bit of help is greatly appreciated!