Young Writers Society

Hi, Rosey! This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review. Going to be ignoring the other reviews here (they're always tempting to read before I actually start reviewing for some reason) for the sake of a completely fresh mind. Without further ado, let's jump right in.

I wondered if this is how souls felt, waiting for judgment after death.

I adjusted my leather vest and bicep guards, making sure they didn’t leave too much of my undershirt exposed. Over that went a dark red shirt cut exactly like guards for my family, and on top of everything went my scaled bracers, in metal this time.

The moon was finally over the mountains, meaning I could leave. I’d survived in the middle of the mountains in the dead of winter during a snowstorm, and my parents insisted I have good visibility every time I went out to the city. I didn’t even pretend to understand it.

I walked through the now deserted corridors, footsteps echoing as the carpet of the noble’s wing gave way to easy to clean tile around the courtyard. The first of my companions, Aryan, was leaning against a stone pillar at the doorway to outside.

I shrugged, looking ahead. “And the same could be said for every other person who manages to hide their intent for years until I dig them up.”

“Kerani’s got you there.”

“Shut up, Aryan.”

The coins made there way to the purse hidden on her hip. “He has visited the woman’s wing twice, but has never paid for any services proper. A very good tipper for dancers, mind you. He shows the self restrains expected of a prince, although I can’t say the same for his servants. They act as you’d expect.”

I ran my thumbnail under my other nails. “How much have they bought.”

Hi there!

I don't think I've ever read something of yours before. I'm excited to get into this. Just forewarning you, I haven't read any of the previous reviews as I feel like I'll chicken out of actually reviewing this because I don't feel like there's anything I can add xD So please ignore anything that I've repeated or anything like that.

Right off the bat, I think the first two sentences would work better in the same paragraph. It's almost unnecessary separation. The first sentence talks about souls waiting for judgement of death and the second one adds to that. The sentences almost negate each other, in a way. I don't know, it just seems like they should be together. Play around with it and see which way works best.

Some of your transitions need work. At least for my tastes.

Joking finished and them ready to go, I crossed the rest of the courtyard and opened the small door,

After half an hour of walking, we were finally in the dead space between palace and city lights.

Another twenty minutes and we were on the outskirts of the city

Aryan directed us into a small alcove where we could speak without worry.

Why, hello there.

I'm honestly so happy you asked me to do this. I've always wanted to read Cat Steps since I was a YWS fetus. I just never seemed to be around when you posted any updates, and felt like a potato reviewing something of yours from like 13 A.D. I f my memory serves me right, you were the first person to read/review a work I posted here, and honestly I owe you my soul for trudging through that mess. Alas, I sold that thing a long time ago, so this is the best I can do.

I wondered if this is how souls felt, waiting for judgment after death.

The first of my companions, Aryan, was leaning against a stone pillar at the doorway to outside.

Joking finished and them ready to go,...

Still others were dark— the administrative buildings I normally visited when I visited this part of the city.

You've achieved a pacing in this opening chapter that can be achieved only through gauntlets of editing. I think you'll remember my early remarks years ago about the pacing issues and info dumping, and I'm well-pleased with this execution of showing how magic works, showing how Kerani's relationships work, showing how she operates in her own world. There are a couple of places where your phraseology could have been smoother; from memory the two that stand out are when she places the ward on the castle gate and again when they're exploring the adult 'playground'.

A big peeve you hit of mine is that after Kerani and <escort> hit her private room, I don't think you referred to her as anything other than 'she' for the entire remainder. Pronoun abuse, wouldn't you say? (Oh, the irony isn't wasted on me)

I'm very appreciative of your approach to cultural sensitivities and indicators. The chapter is healthily dipped into the cultural glaze, and I think that a major factor in this success is actually the exotic dancing!

Anyway, this is too much praise for my tastes. Pay heed to your pronoun frequency and smooth out the transitions.

With a big ol' wink for prostitution's sake,
Ty

Hiya, Rosey!

So, I just really love your writing style, it's really nice to read. I feel like the MC has a clear voice and opinions and it all just flows really well. So far, I really like the story-line, even though it is all a bit mysterious, it's all very intriguing. I definitely was not expecting the kiss stuff at the end, so it makes me want to read more and find out what's going on.

Quick nitpick!

“Your friends here will have to pay extra if they want to enjoy these facilities,

I REALLY like your opening passage. I think it’s a huge improvement on the old one; it’s more active, and it gives us a ton of information about characterization and setting right off the bat without having to infodump. We know that Kerani is either paranoid or important enough for constant background checks to be necessary, we know that this is a place with elephants and magic, and we get the first hint of how that magic works.

The paragraph beginning with “The sentinel lights faded” seems a little too complicated to me; I could keep track of what was going on because I read the last draft and have external knowledge of what’s happening, but I think it would probably be too opaque for someone coming into it cold. The main problem, I think, is the detour to talk about forest paths versus main roads. While it’s an interesting bit of worldbuilding and helps to reveal pieces of Kerani’s character, this early in the narrative it’s mostly just distracting. My suggestion would be to cut it for now and let the reader get used to the basic layout of palace->road->city first. You can always throw in lines about the forest paths a little later, once the basic image is established.

I’m pretty enamored with the dialogue revealing what Kerani et al are up to. It’s snappy, it flows well, and like the opening it gets a lot of information across very subtly. It does a good job of conveying the relationship between Kerani, Aryan, and Sakari, so we can be sure they’re good friends and comfortable with each other without having to be told. And you half-introduce Vy a lot earlier than you did in the last draft, which’ll make things much more streamlined later on.

“Or did you forget to ask in the name of tracking down the poisoner?” <- This exchange felt a little out of nowhere for me. It’s probably an allusion to a past event, but it doesn’t seem to connect to the situation you’ve built thus far of Kerani checking out a prospective husband’s prostitute habits. So I’m left wanting a little elaboration as to what this new thing means in the context of what’s going on right now, and I didn’t get it, so I was left going “wait, what?”

I like the description of the playground; it gives a very clear picture of what the place looks like without getting bogged down in detail or confusing.

Same goes for the entrance into Khusi Mahala itself, even though the details you give us for that have more to do with the people inside than the architecture. (And confirmation that trans men and women are commonplace and presumably accepted in this world!)

Isra’s initial description feels clunky to me. Since you’ve been sparse in your details about the physical appearances of all the other named characters so far, suddenly having a whole paragraph dedicated almost solely to telling us what Isra looks like feels like an interruption more than anything. Cutting it down or spreading that information out more would work better.

On the other hand, the dialogue that follows is so great. I think it’s probably my favorite exchange in this whole piece. It’s wonderful because it manages to convey that Isra and Kerani are on good terms and that there probably is genuine caring in that relationship, but also neither of them ever lose sight of the fact that ultimately, this is about business. And of course you show us more about magic and how it works in this world, which is fun too. And spelling out that Kerani is asexual plus the way Isra is so understanding and accepting of that despite what she does for a living… I like it a lot.