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This is Nikayla here dropping in for another review on this lovely Review Day! Finally feeling comfortable to come back and tackle this seeing as I'm a bit more excited to review this again. Gotta keep a balance between this and the Green Room.

Let's jump right in to this pool of wonder, Lima Bean. I'm not sure how I feel about the beginning of this chapter with the summary of what Kerani's life has been like over the last couple of weeks. I can see that the chapters might be more spread apart since there's a fairly medium-sized gap between this chapter and the last. That's okay though! The couple of paragraphs before we break into an actual scene again have the potential to be strengthened up a bit to become stronger. I find myself always enjoying this novel more when there's a scene going on and it's not Kerani's thoughts--not by a landslide are the thoughts week, I just adore seeing these characters interact.

I’d been tied up in lessons and trying to piece together a map of known events every day this week. My days turned into a monotony of translation, biology memorization, and marking out deaths in the hopes of finding a pattern. I’d used six dark colours so far, to differentiate between the roles of people killed. There was no pattern… yet.

Unless, of course, the pattern was ‘everybody’, at which point, that was already extremely well established.

“Mmhmm.”

“I hate that word…” I leaned back in the chair and slumped. “I hate this war just as much as he does, but it’s not like he senses that, being an elements mage. He just sees how I look and doesn’t feel it, doesn’t know.” I scrunched my eyes shut, trying to keep the moisture from escaping. Unlike most jobs, this week hadn’t gotten easier. Normally I had some sort of angle, by now. “He’s lucky, I guess. Doesn’t have to feel what some of my siblings do.”

ohhidere.

You have an uber amount of super-duper awesome reviews on this already, and I'm 90% sure I won't really be able to build on them, so just to pre-warn you! (I know I say this in, like, every review, but I always feel pretty useless with you because tour writing is so lovely/your reviewers are so splendid). But yus, as an opening for chapter two, I liked this. We're figuring out what the heck is going on (or trying to) with Kerani, and you manage to make me feel like I'm involved in it, not simply a reader. Your dialogue at the beginning between Kerani and Sakari was amusing, and I very much enjoy their character dynamics. Vy and Isra are super sweet too, and their relationship seems like a genuine, real one. I was surprised (pleasantly) to see Isra returning in this 'form' (if that makes any sense whatsoever), so kudos to you for that. It shows a whole other side to her, which is awesome. So yus, as always, generally another wonderful extract!

I'm going to have to go for really bitchy nit-picky critiques here because I've no major qualms with this scene at all. One thing I find myself questioning is the reasoning behind Sakari being there. If she was just going to shy away and go to sleep/rest once they arrived at Vy and Isra's house, why did she join Kerani in the first place? Kind of seems like she may as well have stayed home. Even if she was desperate to find out what their thoughts are on everything, she surely could've waited for Kerani to return and inform her of this? Such a nit-pick omg, but it's one of those dumb things that popped up in the back of my mind while reading.

The only other thing I can give you is that there's a tiny part of me that kind of want something else to 'happen'. I love your characters' interactions, delving into the political side of things e.t.c. but the only action scene we've had thus far is the opening one. Please add a heart disease inducing dollop of salt to this because I'm super impatient and want everything to, like, explode all the time, but on some level it feels like there's been a lot of talk with not much action since the opening scene. That was a really long-winded sentence, apologies. I won't go crazy on this or expand much further, but I figured I'd bring it up because I can't think of anything else, and I don't want to look completely useless it might be something worth thinking about.

But yus, that's me done. I hope we get to more insight into Vy and Isra's relationship, and how it works exactly (like, how do they conceive a child that's biologically related to both of them?) because I find that stuff insanely interesting. It'd be intriguing to learn more about how society views their relationship as well, y'know, if it's considered completely normal or not (and all that jazz). You've certainly managed to maintain my interest into this second chapter, anywho, and I look forward to reading the next installment (as if I ever don't, duh).

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hello, darling! Sorry it's been so long between reviews, of course.

You still have the same syntax problem that I noticed in the earlier part; I noticed it especially in the conversation between Kerani and Sakari, where you repeat "I [verb]ed" and "She [verb]ed" a lot at the beginning of paragraphs. However, since I've already touched on it, I'll leave that for the time being.

Actually, one of the issues I have with this comes directly after that. You have Kerani's last line in there with the "I'll be surprised", and then you go straight into her thoughts without as much as a segue, and you have about two full paragraphs that are between-the-scenes exposition with not much else going on. I wouldn't normally mention that, except it feels so abrupt to go directly from her dialogue into "this is what you missed in the scene break". Maybe even a sentence of "I was glad to have this much free time" or something like that, just to bring the reader out of her conversation with Sakari and into her thoughts on what she's done throughout the last week.

You go into the dry syntax again the moment you have a conversation, even though it was much better in the interlude thought—actually, what caught my eye this time was this exchange:

She paused a moment. “Both Isra and Vy. Which one do you want?”
“Vy, please.”
She opened the door completely and let us both in. “She’s in the upstairs study. You know the one?”
There were three upstairs studies. “Blue, green, or yellow?”
“Blue.”

Vy was in front of a map with faintly glowing blue lines between dots. Exactly the same pattern I had, only Vy had the routes everybody was taking when I didn’t.
“I knew Bahij wasn’t getting everything.”

“It’s either fish or the Playground where every person there wants to know what’s brought me down this time and if I’ve finally loosened up and am just going to enjoy myself.”

hello i am here! finally!!

i’m on the fence in terms of how this chapter opens; i think the content is good but something about how it’s written is falling a bit flat for me—the second paragraph in particular kicked me out somewhat. (on reflection, that might just be because it’s a pretty incredible run-on?)

anyway after about the third paragraph i was fully engaged. i liked sakari and kerani’s banter about fish/nobles/stink quite a bit on its own merits, and i also appreciate the world-building it entails wrt class structures and the habits of nobility.

“Unless, of course, the pattern was ‘everybody’, at which point, that was already extremely well established.”

i have to admit, i giggled probably more than was necessary at this line. kerani’s snark is my favorite, always.

it’s cool that sakari’s still wiped from doing magic a week ago! i’ve been under the impression that the power/energy exchange was a lot less severe, so seeing that recovery takes this long is a bit of a surprise, but in a good way—i think the world feels even more real than it did before because of it?

“Even though I could, in theory, sense everybody within this house at once, the Rat put fairly thick wards on their properties and I preferred not violating their trust for something I could easily ask.”

i think this sort of detail is very important, character-wise, to counter-balance kerani’s complete lack of love for her family—it really drives home the point that she’s not just acting out because she’s a teenager and that’s what teenagers do, she’s responding to being treated badly by her family. and it’s always nice to see protagonists pay respect in return for respect.

“Helped deter snipers and protect those inside, even if somebody did try every few months.”

i’d consider rephrasing this; i’ve read it three times and while i’m pretty sure i know what you mean, i’m still not 100% certain.

and ohhh, the reveal of the extent of the looming threat is handled so well i just. the progression of action and kerani realizing how much information she’s been missing is perfectly timed. the only thing i’d suggest is elaborating a bit more on what all the colors mean—i could pick it up through inference, but it took just enough work to get frustrating towards the end. the necessary information is all there, i think, but it’s in a slightly odd order that makes understanding it as a reader more difficult than it has to be.

and i can’t remember if i’ve mentioned this before but the whole… emptiness thing is REALLY creeping me out. add to that the fact that it’s not a consistent tell?? gahhhh.

vy and isra are really cute.

i’m sort of glossing over large chunks of this because it’s really good and i feel like if i try to talk about it it’ll just be an endless loop of “i really liked this and this and this.” suffice it to say that all of the dialogue between vy, isra, and kerani is wonderful—it feels natural and it’s just *dripping* unstated emotions.

and i love this line so so so much: “This always happened when I remembered people could separate home and work. The line had never been clear, for me.” because of course kerani would have that problem. poor girl.

generally i feel like this section started out kind of weakly—not bad, just… uninspiring i guess?—and then rapidly got better the further it went. the strongest part i think is definitely the plotty reveals, and then the rest is a nice slow ease of tension without actually *losing* the sense of lurking threat.

(and geez, i’m sorry for taking soooo frigging long to actually review this thing! i’m going to try to get to the other two tomorrow or sunday, since i have a lot of free time then, and then actually keep up with you for future installments)

Salutations.

So, you are YWS' illusive Unicorn of Rainbows and Roses? *bows* It is an honour to finally review one of your works.

I must apologise for not reviewing this part of your chapter without having read chapter one first, but I am sure I shall catch on quickly enough. Also, I do not know what type of reviews you prefer, so I shall try to give you a summary of everything. Oh, and I use colour every now and then, so you can expect that as well.

My legend:
Red - corrections
Orange - suggestions
Green - additions
Blue - removals


Your first paragraph indicates that the protagonist has suffered several injuries - from what, I do not know, naturally, but the knowledge of said injuries is sufficient for the moment. Also, while I am discussing your first paragraph, I should add that it is flawless; I cannot think of a single way how you can improve it.

Janani above I was tired of being cooped up at home, especially with Bahij giving me pieced together reports from a handful of sources, none of which actually fit together and that’s exactly how the Rat wanted it but try telling him his sources were incomplete.

This house always had extra places to sleep, considering how large it was.

Even though I could, in theory, sense everybody within this house at once, the Rat put fairly thick wards on their properties and I preferred not violating their trust for something I could easily ask.

The blue study was on the third floor, facing (towards) mostly empty space with unusually dense jali and a mesh behind it - it helped deter snipers and protect those inside, even if somebody did try every few months.

I took the cup she offered, smelling notes of cardamom, cinnamon, and almonds mixed in with green tea.

Isra walked in when I was nearly finished with my tea, brushing her fingers along my arm before walking to Vy and draping herself over the woman’s shoulders.

Isra chuckled. “Did he call you an executioner again?”

I paused. “I rant to you two too much.”

“Welcome.” He pulled back and looked at me, then Isra, then Vy. “You’d make a good third mommy, though.”

I laughed for what felt like the first time in a week and ruffled his hair. “You’re sweet.”

This review courtesy of

Hey there Rosey! I should totally be nano-ing... But then I saw the sad panda on the main page and couldn't resist. So, here I am.

First off, I have not read the previous chapters so I'm going on this content only.

anani above I was tired of being cooped up at home, especially with Bahij giving me pieced together reports from a handful of sources, none of which actually fit together and that’s exactly how the Rat wanted it but try telling him his sources were incomplete.

“Yes, I know it.” I looked back to Sakari, who was making a valiant effort to appear completely energized. “Want to come up with me, or stay down here and curl up somewhere?”