Young Writers Society

Hey Rosey~ I'm back! Back again!

Let's start off with the good stuff this time! Because there's a lot of it in this part (and the next) and I really love what you're doing with this.

. His paranoia was making me want to burst through his office door and lecture
him for a change. If it had been a direct attack on him, he would spare nothing to make sure I could stop it.

I hardly wore jewellery except for a tiered necklace and a jeweled dagger. I had only gotten the barest amount of henna done on my hands. I looked more like a guard bride than the Crown Princess’ younger sister. I wanted to remind people they could not remove my former life so easily.

I dismissed my servants after they brought my makeup. I had too many poisons in this room to risk people in here. Finding the time to train these girls was low on my priority list. I also preferred keeping our observations of servants to those who assisted our actual scientists. Their servants were true lab assistants, and we could only do background checks on and keep tabs on the expenses of so many people. I made sure to pay mine
particularly well so they wouldn’t be tempted by bribes. Not like they knew where I kept anything.

Struggling to breathe panic. Great.

I had ignored thoughts about Ranya’s marriage, for how they had been so tied up with my own.

Father sat on Suraj’s side.

Those who cheered for a corination [coronation] would cheer for an execution

I had felt nothing before.
This was not nothing.
This was empty.
“What is it, my love?”
I raised one finger to Suraj, attention on the dark outside of the crowd.

“She shocked you!”
Suraj was cool and flinty. “I put her in danger.”
Maybe I had picked better than I thought. “I’m going to the healers.”
Suraj glared at Father before backing my retreat.

I had only gotten the barest amount of henna done on my hands.

Hi there again Lima Bean! This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review. I would've gotten here sooner but I forgot about maintenance and only finished one review before that happened. I enjoy that the summary at the beginning of the chapter is put into use here! That's a first. Nice refresher. Anyway, let's jump right in.

I was quite happy not to see an anarkali suit delivered. I recalled many a time Ranya had tried to wear something more traditional to the Palahiras and her fabric choices had returned as Empire pieces. I supposed that was an advantage to marrying within the Palahiras— our own traditional outfits were acceptable.

I had ignored thoughts about Ranya’s marriage, for how they had been so tied up with my own. Once she had been married, I was free to be married. I hadn’t been allowed to be distracted while she was in danger— I had lost too many nights to stopping assassination attempts, practically living in her suite, her practically living in mine— and now I was expected to live a lifetime of distractions.

Well, didn't I just take my merry old time?

Partly because it's been a while, and partly because I'm useless, my memory of where we left off with this is shocking. As such, if this review is a bit all over the place and... well, bad, I sincerely apologise. So yeah, just a heads up

I really loved this chapter/extract, seriously. I think a big reason for that is because it feels like we're properly getting to know Suraj, who thus far has been somewhat of an enigma, but here he's becoming a really fleshed out character. And I like him. Kerani's internal monologue here was pretty awesome too. I could feel how on edge she was towards the end of this, and her altering things to suit her instead of just throwing tantrums about having to marry is so badass. On the whole, this was just a really well written chapter. As this is her engagement party in effect (right? I hope I've not gotten the complete wrong end of the stick here), it's pretty important that this part is well written and exciting and stuff, so you go girl!

With critiques, as always, I don't have an awful lot to say. By which I mean I literally have one thing to mention. And there's a 90% chance that I'm just being dumb and forgetful. So yeah. At the beginning of this, Kerani mentioned her parents, and it kind of occurred to me that I don't remember ever meeting her mother? Or there being any mention of her really? Obviously, I may simply be an absolute idiot and simply can't remember the times we have met her, but if not, that's maybe something to think about. I'm assuming her lack of presence is likely to be to do with the patriarchal society Kerani finds herself in, and so her mother simply isn't super important, but methinks it could still be interesting to know more about her. But yeah, again, please just ignore this if I'm being a forgetful nonce.

Oh, something else I will note before I slither away is that I had to go back over the end of this to properly grasp what happened, and I'm still doubting myself slightly. I won't go on about this one because, again, probably just me being an idiot. Initially, I thought Kerani had attacked Suraj, and there was going to be anarchy. In case it isn't just me being an idiot, it may be worth making the events a little more clear? Just to avoid any further confusion on the part of losers like me.

Apologies again for taking me merry time with this. I would make up an excuse, but there isn't one. I'm literally just really lazy. I'm working on it though, I promise. Anywho, I hope I've been somewhat helpful, or just contributed something of some sort

Keep writing,

xoxo S(k)ins

Bonjour, Rosendorn.

All criticism and comments on the writing are in the spoiler below.

They began with a prayer to Palanhaar, the warrior who protected this land, acting out the battle he fought to banish demons from this valley and establish his home in a peak only accessible if you pass the palace and the temple. Slapping of feet and the steady rhythm of drums grounded me, the story familiarly enchanting. The dancer representing Palanhaar glared at the demon while miming a spear thrust, the other doubling back to the beat of the music before beginning to spin on their heel, each slap making Palanhaar recoil from the demon’s strength before beginning to spin himself, the tabla and sitar growing louder and louder with each rotation.

They moved on to a piece focusing on Sandhin’s exploits and I smiled that the dancers had spent enough time at Sandhin’s temple to know I had been blessed there, instead. Dancers representing the nobles and the working people were both joined by the ever-shifting Sandhin, their costume not quite fitting with anyone but closer enough they were welcomed as family. The dancers didn’t act out any exploits for my own safety— Sadhin was also known as the god of spies, in this region.

Janani’s dance I hardly paid attention to, not because it wasn’t stunning, but because I had been resting long enough. Being at ease too long had nearly cost too many people their lives. Even if there was nothing, it wasn’t worth relaxing.

Hey just stopping by for a quick review! As I haven’t read the previous chapters I may be missing different nuances you are trying to portray, so take everything I say with a grain of salt and apply it as you see fit!

I recalled many a time Ranya had tried to wear something more traditional to the Palahiras and her fabric choices had returned as Empire pieces

My parents kept telling me I was supposed to have loyalty to my family, because they wouldn’t leave like guards, but then my sister had been torn away from me and many other sisters were poised to marry outside of the family instead of in.

I made sure to pay mine particularly well so they wouldn’t be tempted by bribes. Not like they knew where I kept anything.

I blinked away unexpected desire to cry, pressing a finger against my lash line to not disturb the pigment already applied on my lid.

The roar of an avalanche filled my ears, world falling to white. Most days, most triggers, I could control garükh yunu.

I paused and laughed, sound transitioning into a sob. “I’m good at my job?”

I cried into my hands to not stain his white shirt. The worst tears always came when they would ruin something. Part of me wanted to ruin this, but not his part in it. Not when he’d done so much for me. I wanted to stay close to the family just to protect him while I still could, before he’d become the family ambassador to the Empire and our older brother would return to rule.

Struggling to breathe panic. Great.

I was going to be yelled at for lateness, for how much I was crying. Nitika’s eyes were watering in empathy, her own emotions difficult to keep in check. Teary-eyed betrotheds were common enough. I didn’t need to add to them.

understated but crisp, his clothing the colours of a ruby on snow.

Imperial representatives, and me being able to stop an assassin more important than how I looked.

I had grown up seeing the cost of independence sentiments.

Credentials established, the little clauses that guaranteed children out of me and insisted my realm would be inside the palaces were quickly weeded out, Jalil drafting a fresh contract that included such little things as exempting me should the Empire sanction women-only suites under the belief palace women were best left unseen.

never quite daring to stop him from sending them just to give the illusion he had some grips over me.

Suraj met whatever he said with confusion, far more expressive than he should’ve been. I’d have to work on that.

They began with a prayer to Palanhaar, the warrior who protected this land, acting out the battle he fought to banish demons from this valley and establish his home in a peak only accessible if you pass the palace and the temple. Slapping of feet and the steady rhythm of drums grounded me, the story familiarly enchanting. The dancer representing Palanhaar glared at the demon while miming a spear thrust, the other doubling back to the beat of the music before beginning to spin on their heel, each slap making Palanhaar recoil from the demon’s strength before beginning to spin himself, the tabla and sitar growing louder and louder with each rotation.

He cooled, emotions more like a glass knife than ice. “I would like a wife, eventually.”