Once more, into the breach! There's a lot more good stuff this chapter, probably because it's been edited already so most of the awkward things have already been pointed out/dealt with. I'm super happy to be getting around to this. c:
Let's start with good stuff again because that's the first thing that popped up!
<3 yes keep developing Kerani and Nitika! This is my favorite friendship out of all the relationships you've introduced so far (though romantically I'd love to see more of Vy/Isra bc YES).Now she did glance at me. “You didn’t even lecture me on airborne poisons. What is it?”
I rubbed my forehead. “Figured you of all people would be smart enough to know that.”
I don't remember if I've mentioned it before, but I love how smoothly you show us that Kerani is just plain good at her job. It's been mentioned before that the Empire probably couldn't find a match for her and I'm honestly curious because now part of me is going omg the Empire has found a match for her and the other part is wanting curiously to see what's happened and I am so so so excited.I slid back in the water to try and reach balance, not knowing if this was a symptom of exhaustion or a sign I was about to wear out my antidote.
The fact I even doubted that pointed towards poison.
Yeah Kerani, most people don't consider that a good sign... But oh man your description is so cool. More please <3The blood had streaks of clear liquid and sickly black woven into it, something I never particularly considered good signs.
Yes just stand up immediately after you're one hundred percent certain you've been badly poisoned with something that's closer to a rumor than fact -- that goes well for everyone! But it ties in to how headstrong Kerani is as a person and I'm so loving all of it.I needed to get to the city. Immediately.
Standing up as quickly as I did stopped that plan in its tracks. I needed to get to the guard healers immediately, instead.
Onto some other stuff now!
I want to hear more about little-Kerani. Not necessarily a ton more but more, enough to see how she's changed, and enough to show that she's...aware of her change, however she feels about it, etc. Even a tossed-out line of "I was ten when they asked me to design my rooms for the palace" (or however old she was).I had taken particular interest in designing such a luxurious bathing space, the various vials and jars making the room look like a proper princess’. Something I had dreamed of being at the time.
More Kerani and Nitika! This one I'm pointing out because it's another space that could use more -- and the character development is great but part of me wishes that Kerani... felt something? That she's grown so close to Nitika in such a short time. Maybe it's because Ranya's gone and Chandi is pregnant so can't come into Kerani's quarters, but I wish there was something there to show us how she feels about being so close with someone who came to them from the Empire such a short time ago.Her feet kept moving, flicking water halfway across the pool. “I don’t recall my father mentioning you.”
That brought a smile to me, despite it all. “I tried to be invisible.”
She laughed. “I hardly even knew you existed my first few months here!”
Style bits!
This whole exchange down to "They asked for it" is a bit talking-heads-y. I know this is still a first go-round despite being edited but you know I have a moral compulsion to point out talking heads when I see it. Just for consideration. <3“It’s never a good sign when you go
this quiet.”
My hands lowered from rubbing my shoulder raw. “Compromise never means anything good. Compromise means stop being a guard.”
“Do you want to stop?”
I don't quite understand this part. I don't know if it's because my brain is being funny or the writing isn't clear, but I'll reread and let you know via discord in the morning.“I always wondered why tasters in the harems was so tightly controlled.”
I saw someone point this out on the last one and noticed that Kerani actually does this a lot. I get that it's a physical tic, but I'd definitely keep an eye on it and make sure she doesn't do it often enough that your readers go "well that's a boring reaction" or anything. Maybe tie it to a specific emotional response and stick with using it only for that? I don't know.I pinched the bridge of my nose, now.
Okay, I love this bit too. The reason I've pointed it out here is because you repeated "barely" in the span of 5 words -- I get into those description tics too, just thought I'd point it out for you.my heart rate barely elevated. My mind was barely registering that was even a
problem.
Overall! I love this chapter (but I love every chapter, you know this) so far, and I love this scene in particular. It gives us more story on who Kerani is as a person, it gives us more on what's affecting her, it shows us that something terrible has happened -- even more terrible than initially anticipated. It shows us that Kerani is dealing with something, or someone, who is desperate to take her out and they're willing to drop some big money on that. I'm really curious how this is going to unfold and who's going to be behind everything.
Also oh my goodness the idea of Kerani going to palace healers instead! That's such an awful visual with the Snakesblood reacting to the kalisi.
I really adore what you're doing with this world and the characters and I'm so excited to see where this goes next!
Keep writing!
Points: 0
Reviews: 423
Donate