Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Once more, into the breach! There's a lot more good stuff this chapter, probably because it's been edited already so most of the awkward things have already been pointed out/dealt with. I'm super happy to be getting around to this. c:Let's start with good stuff again because that's the first thing that popped up!
Now she did glance at me. “You didn’t even lecture me on airborne poisons. What is it?”I rubbed my forehead. “Figured you of all people would be smart enough to know that.”
I slid back in the water to try and reach balance, not knowing if this was a symptom of exhaustion or a sign I was about to wear out my antidote.The fact I even doubted that pointed towards poison.
The blood had streaks of clear liquid and sickly black woven into it, something I never particularly considered good signs.
I needed to get to the city. Immediately.Standing up as quickly as I did stopped that plan in its tracks. I needed to get to the guard healers immediately, instead.
I had taken particular interest in designing such a luxurious bathing space, the various vials and jars making the room look like a proper princess’. Something I had dreamed of being at the time.
Her feet kept moving, flicking water halfway across the pool. “I don’t recall my father mentioning you.”That brought a smile to me, despite it all. “I tried to be invisible.”She laughed. “I hardly even knew you existed my first few months here!”
“It’s never a good sign when you go this quiet.”My hands lowered from rubbing my shoulder raw. “Compromise never means anything good. Compromise means stop being a guard.”“Do you want to stop?”
“I always wondered why tasters in the harems was so tightly controlled.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose, now.
my heart rate barely elevated. My mind was barely registering that was even a problem.
Hey Rosey,I think I recognize this series from talking with you and that makes me super excited XDOverall, I only found one thing I think needs changing. "Even though the ramps existed for exactly when I was too weak to walk and needed to relax in water."fragment. Even though ___ I ___ You have the "I" but it's part of the first thing because of "extended to exactly when" which is making the "I" part a subordinate clause to it, and leaving out the "even though" "I" set up.The story seems to be going well. I like how there is an element of explanation through this unwise individual. I think that's a really great way to exposition the situation and give us a good feeling of what's going on and who is who even this far into the story.I feel like the only thing that you might want to do a little different is with your explanation of the poison because I'm not sure I understand exactly. Is it in the air? Is that why she says her chamber is poisoned? Or is she emitting some sort of poison because of the antidote? What's going on with that?All in all, really good so far. Keep it up!
Hey Rosendorn! I'm here to review, as requested!Actually I got a bit carried away and went back to read the previous chapters because the summary at the beginning intrigued me enough and I really love the story so far <3 I love your writing style? I can't put my finger on what it is about it, but it's very...enchanting? For lack of a better word right now.I saw you mention that Kerani was bisexual (besides it appearing in the story and stuff) and I just want to say how excited I am for that?? Uhhh, that sounds weird, but I don't see a lot of bisexual characters around and it always makes me feel very happy and fuzzy, so I really love that the protagonist is.-So I might have just missed this, but do you ever describe the appearance of any of the characters? I don't have a clear read on what any of them look like (besides mentioning Kerani's father's skin tone - and I'm just going out on a limb to assume Kerani's is similar - and Nitika's) besides the way they dress.
I dragged myself out of bed, peeling off sweat soaked pajamas as I walked to her drawing a bath in my large pool.
The water was up to my ankles, now, high enough that I started carefully unhooking my breastband so as not to have the small throwing knives fall out of their precariously clasped sheaths.
Nitika stared at the clank of wood on tile as I set it down,
Despite the scare, my heart rate had barely elevated.
So I might have just missed this, but do you ever describe the appearance of any of the characters?
For much of the bathing scene, there isn't much description or balance of anything but dialogue
Am I right to assume the magic is sensory and that different people are attuned to different things?
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