Young Writers Society

This is Nikayla here dropping in for another review on this lovely Review Day. I won't be getting much of a break until Review Day ends, so without further ado, let's jump right in because you know the drill.

Father looked up at me, about to say my name but stopping mid syllable when he noticed what I was wearing.

I crossed my legs. “I had been about to change my bandages, but I didn’t want to delay coming over, with how important it is.”

He lifted his eyebrows momentarily, licking his lips, before looking back down to his papers. A few moments later, he was frowning again. “It has come to my attention your recent behaviour is unacceptable and unbecoming of somebody of your birth.”

I glanced at Bahij. “Recent as in this afternoon or recent as in the past six months?”

“It should be perfectly clear why I called you.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. So many replies on my tongue, and I could likely get away with all of them to some degree or another. It depended on what sort of day to day controls I wanted to put up with. However I was already in enough trouble as is. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to keep my own emotions out of Court life.”

I let him have that. He wasn’t exactly wrong, even if Bahij had earned whatever I had given him. I was simply too tired to care about technicalities. Especially when father was so obsessed on the point it was like talking to a stone wall.

My father sat back down and waved a hand. “Rest, child. We can talk about this… problem of yours tomorrow.”

I got up and gave a three-finger salute, respecting father’s orders, intent, position, but not him. “Thank you.”

Y'ello

Kerani is so sassy lel.

Considering this is the end of chapter one, I'll give you a sort of overview thing where I'll think back over the past 5 parts, and conjure up some thoughts on it as a whole. I figure it makes sense to do that because in reality, I would've read the whole of the first chapter in one go (two at most). I'll review this part as a stand alone piece too, of course! But yus, you had some really awesome character dynamics in this part, and I live for character dynamics, so that made me super happy. There isn't any major plot progression or anything, but my interest didn't waver once throughout this, thanks to the quality of your writing and the awesome character dynamics mentioned. I can already tell this is going to be another struggle for critiques, but alas, I soldier on.



Okay, so! This is something that bothered me the tiniest bit in one of the previous parts (I want to say 1.3), but I didn't mention it because I thought I was just being the cold individual that I am, plus it was (and still is, really) super minor. Basically, Kerani's emotional outburst here seemed a little random/off. I get that she's the kind of person to not react to things immediately, and not show what's bothering her as much as possible, but it felt a bit out of nowhere here. It just feels like one moment she's super chill while sassing her dad, and within seconds she's dramatically sliding down a door in tears. Again, I get that she's withholding her emotions until she's out of the way (which is 100% me btw), but there wasn't really a build up. I'm not saying you should spend paragraphs carefully detailing the rising of her emotions, but she spends the paragraph before the crying one thinking of her wounds, calling for tea e.t.c. and then BAM, she bursts out crying.

I don't know, I'm probably just being the heartless leech that I am, but I think losing some of this randomness could help. It may be partly because, for whatever reason, that scene feels a bit distant. I don't really feel like I'm in touch with Kerani during this outburst, and so I'm finding it difficult to empathise with her. You don't particularly express her feelings a lot during it, which I would guess is the main reason for this distance. You have her consider all of her concerns, duties, worries e.t.c. but my heart doesn't really go out to her. I want you to rip my heartstrings from their core so that at the end of this chapter, I'm aching for everything to be okay for Kerani. At the moment, I do feel bad for her, but not as bad as I feel I should. Err, kapish?

That's it for this part in particular, so I'll give you my overall chapter one review thingybob.

As I'm sure you're aware, as a whole I <3 it. We've been catapulted right into the action, but not in a too much all at once kind of way, and I already feel like I know Kerani super well. The quality and technical side of your writing is far more perfect than I could ever get my own (which granted, doesn't say much), and everything flows wonderfully together. One thing I can't help feeling is that I do consider it in two parts, almost as if it's two chapters overall, not one. Those two parts are the the opening scene with the fight, the healers, Rat e.t.c. and then the next imaginary part for me starts from when Kerani is back home, speaking to her father e.t.c. This isn't a bad thing at all, it's just a thing. I'm just not sure you wanted to portray it in a 'two part' sort of way. Whatever the case, I figured I'd mention it because it's what my smushed brain has come to conclude/think of things. There are still some things I'm a little unclear about i.e. the ins and outs of the politics, the mysterious Suraj e.t.c. but I don't think they're a massive deal. So long as you address them relatively soon, you're good.

So yus, I'm so happy that I've finally gotten around to reading this because I'e enjoyed it even more than I thought I would've. The first chapter ends on a strong note, which is wonderful to see, and it began with a wonderful opening line. I look forward to finding out where the second chapter will take us, and assuming I can get the assignment I keep putting off done by the end of the day, I've no doubt I won't be able to resist reading the next part tonight. So yeah, basically, ur awesome.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

I always feel inclined to put gifs in my reviews with you, idk why.

Okay, going into this half of the scene.

I actually found myself having to laugh, reading this critically, because I was about to point out Kerani's insolence (and couldn't actually think of the word) when she's talking about the high treason executions, and then I read the next line where Bahij points it out. Character-wise, you've managed to get a lot of cohesion, and you're staying a few steps ahead of the audience as far as reactions go, with your characters reacting like, well, real people would. It's also refreshing to see on the page that different people react to the tones differently, such as Bahij hearing Kerani's neutrality as smugness.

As far as actual critique goes for this section, I definitely have less of it than on the section before; reading through the first and second times this evening, I didn't see much at all to comment on, so I'm going to start off by mentioning that your issues from the first half of the scene carry over less into this, perhaps because you have Kerani's attention split between two people that are both, as I'm reading it, rather imposing on the conversation in their own ways.

Your syntax is still rather dry and point-to-point, especially as you get further into the conversation where it's mainly between Kerani and her father. Again, there are instances where you have sentences that are nearly the same at the beginning of paragraphs, within the span of three paragraphs ("My father stood" and "My father swallowed").

Also within that period of the conversation, you use a lot of dashes—which I understand in the context of characters cutting each other off and for effect—and ellipses, which are also used for effect, but perhaps overused a little in the context. It's not majorly detracting from the quality of the conversation, just something that you might (or might not) portray a little differently in speech habits.

There is something in the last few paragraphs specifically that bothers me, but I can't quite pinpoint it at the moment. It's not the repetition (that's actually much better); I think it might be more of the emotional distance that the reader gets from the narrative, which is understandable considering Kerani's condition, but feels a little stranger on the page. I don't know for sure, though.

Overall, I think I enjoyed this section of the scene more than I enjoyed the first, but this scene as a whole is a smooth portrayal of the family tension as it rises due to the various outside factors.

Hello! I couldn't find any mistakes with your piece, it was quiet entertaining, but some parts I didn't understand (I guess I wasn't reading good enough) How did she get the wounds? I was also wondering where you got the name Bahji from- or did you make it up? The ending was like: AAAAAHHHH! I WANT MORE! (To sum it up.. lol)

For the second time that day, I slid down a closed door as tears poured down my face.

This sounded awkward, I don't really know how to explain it though...


“It has come to my attention your recent behaviour is unacceptable and unbecoming of somebody of your birth.”

I didn't understand this at all, it's probably because I haven't read your past pieces.

Another question- (sorry to bombard you with them.. lol) When does this take place?

And hello again.

Kerani’s sheer unadulterated levels of sass in the opening passage fill me with so much joy. Seriously—I flailed. And of course it makes for a bigger shock when her father decides to put an end to the petty sniping, which is even better.

This section sort of clears up the weirdness of 1.4, in that it’s made obvious that Bahij is the reason Kerani’s father wants to speak with her again so soon. In a less broken up format I’m not sure it would even be a problem at all, or at least not a *significant* one.

I like pretty much everything about this chapter—Kerani’s refusal to communicate in anything but snark and thinly-veiled insolence, the dynamic between Bahij and Kerani’s father and how they sort of gang up on her, the fact that she bleeds through her bandages on purpose (!) to screw with them.

I am having a little trouble getting into the final passage, though. Generally I like it and I think it makes sense, but for some reason I kept getting stuck on “For the second time that day, I slid down a closed door as tears poured down my face.” I read the thing four times over and each time, that sentence kicked me right out of the action. I have no idea why; I think it’s just an awkward transition?

I love Kerani talking herself through the first day paralyzing anxiety. I think it’s that, more even than her speech in 1.4, that really sells to me that she’s been through this before and she knows what she’s doing.