Young Writers Society

Hey Rosey! I'm back again for some more (yay! I'm seriously loving this story. And I love that it makes me think a little more, rather than laying everything out plainly <3)

Also uh, it's worth noting that near the end of the review, my browser cut out on me and I lost the whole review...so I tried to write down as much as I remembered, but I'm really sorry if some of it seems rushed because of it

Appearing in a standard Guard uniform, consisting of a rough white cotton shirt with turmeric-dyed trim to denote Palahira alliance, instead of my usual muslin and silver-embroidered shirt of a noble among guards, had potentially been a mistake.

So I had originally mentioning needing to read more to be sure, but I have now and I'm still not quite sure why wearing a standard Guard uniform was a mistake? Besides, I'm assuming, her father disapproving of it? And if that it then...whoops. Anyway, then I wanted to sort of continue with:

If they thought I was going to let that intimidate me, they were very, very mistaken.

So I did just finish a round of editing a little while ago so I might just be a picky right now, but I'm not too happy about the repeated 'mistake/n'? Again, I might just be too picky about it, but I noticed it and figured I'd point it out.
Also, uh, who is Kerani referring to when she says 'if they thought I was going to let that intimidate me'? Suraj and her father? The person who poisoned her? I feel like that sort of clashes with the opening paragraph, and maybe I'm wrong, but it felt like Kerani was almost antsy in that one, but the second one sound more defensive, and the mood shift doesn't transition cleanly enough to me. But I'm not sure if I'm reading into it wrong or not.

His jaw slacked. “How… can you even tell?”

Which he is 'his jaw slacked' in reference to? Because Kerani had addressed Suraj and seemed to be explaining what was going on, but she was also replying to her father. I'm...assuming? It's Suraj? But I'm not entirely sure.

Suraj, sheltered as he was, asked a question that sounded like it came from an Imperial visitor than somebody in my home province.

'a question that sounded more like it came from' perhaps?

Only now did it dawn on me I had been completely nude around two men, something commonplace among Guards but unheard of among the caste I was now mingling with.

Is Kerani supposed to have a reaction to this or is she nonchalant about it or am I reading this wrong? I'm assuming she just doesn't mind, based on having read the rest of it and how comfortable Kerani acts around the Guard vs. a lot of other people.

“That was not the original statement of the contract.”

I inclined my head in acknowledgement. “I edited it and you signed the edited version, not the original, making it the binding contract.”

GOSH I love Kerani <3 she's such a sneak.

“No.”

Suraj’s voice stopped everyone in their tracks.

He exhaled.

The way this is separated bothers me. And I think it's because all three paragraphs/lines/etc are about Suraj, which nullifies the line splitting between Person, Place, Time, or Topic? It could almost read as just one whole paragraph, but I pushed the lines together in the quote to see if that read better and I didn't like that either. I guess I would suggest adding something after "No." that would make it clear Suraj speaking (although, depends on your readers, but I kind of guessed it was him anyway), have the next line be the pause in between when he says "no." and it not being worth destroying the document over, and then following with the 'He exhaled.' and so on...if that makes sense :p
(Also did I miss something or it is just the three of them in the room? Because if it is, I might suggest 'us' instead of 'everyone'?)


-I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be suspicious of Suraj or not? But I'm starting to like him and I'm hoping this doesn't come back to bite me later lol.


-There's a lot of lines that are started with 'He' and 'I' and followed by an action ('He leaned' 'I laughed' 'He smiled' 'I shrugged', etc), and I'm pretty sure(?) I mentioned this once before in my last review? But I don't remember? Anyway, it does get a little repetitive and dry to read, because it's almost reading the same opening over and over, so I might try to fix the beginning to some of the lines to keep in...interesting? Interesting.

He waved a hand, cutting off my reply.

I feel like adding in that Kerani was about to reply to him would have added more to this line? Because right now, there's no indication she was going to speak, and then suddenly he's cutting her off and it just doesn't fit together quite right this way.


-After talking about how the poison works and it's side effects I am definitely noticing how it's messing with Kerani's system and making her more open (vulnerable? loose?) in her behaviour. I think there's incorporated in very well now without outright saying 'this is how it works' and instead just, weaving it in as you go? I'm not...sure what point I have, except that I think if I had read this before my previous review, I probably wouldn't have been confused about it

energy dropping dangerously low.

Okay so I had wanted to mention before how this sticks out in the style of writing that's going on? It's pretty blunt and out there, just telling us what's going on, but you do also go on to say she leans into Suraj a little more heavily in the next sentence, so I think you could stand to just cut this little part out and follow with that instead.

I shrugged. "I consider myself prickly."

I love how self-aware Kerani is? This is probably odd quality? But uhh, I have a lot of problems with so many female leads, because I feel like they're often portrayed as sarcastic or sassy to make them Tough and Badass, but Kerani is strong without those qualities, and while she does have some snark and she's fiery, it's a separate piece of her personality? I'm not sure if I'm explaining this right, but long story short, I'm just gushing about Kerani more because I love her a lot xD It kind of ties in with the fact I normally have a problem with first person? But it hasn't bothered me at all reading your work? I just? You're very good at making me like things I normally don't lol. I love your writing.

It didn’t take more than two steps for Aydin to carry me, rushing to reach the barracks.

I'm not entirely sure what this is meant to be describing? It almost sounds like it only takes two steps for Aydin to get to the barracks, but the second sentence contradicts that, so I'm not exactly sure what it takes no more than two steps for Aydin to do? (Also, when did he pick her up? Or did I miss that?)

A hand quickly went over them.

Them? Her eyes? The light?

It didn’t feel like this fever broke so much as receded like melting snow. Heavy blankets on top of me. My head like cotton wool. Closing my eyes and opening them again made it feel better, but I had changed positions and hadn’t remembered. Had I fallen asleep?

OKAY ROSEY I love this description so much UGH <3 I feel like I had said more about this before, or meant to, but this is the moment my browser cut out so...yeah I just really appreciate this bit.

"Do we even want to know."

"Do we even want to know?" ?

That got me to look away.

Look away from her lap? Look away to where?


-I smell the hints you mentioned about Kerani being a resister and I'm loving it?? I can't wait to see where this ends up and I...hmm. This story is just? Man I really like it, and I so glad you asked for those reviews xD Maybe it's just because, as before, we were talking about the resisting before and I Know Things now, but I feel like this part would definitely be that little jolt of ooh look something's up that, if it wasn't caught in 3.3, would absolutely be picked up on now (especially the ending). But, like I said, I'm not sure how credible I am since I already know.

-I'm PRETTY SURE that I said something about description in the last review and I'm going to briefly say it again (because I can never stop myself I'm sorry). There was a few sections, namely towards the end, where there's a lot of one-liners or just really short paragraphs and a whole lot of white space, and this chapter is pretty heavy on dialogue, so I feel like it could certainly not hurt to have some descriptions (when Suraj and Kerani are walking and to the part where she gets back to the Giri, I can't really picture surroundings at all). But uhh, I'm trying not to ramble on too much.


OKAY that's all I've got for today I think because my brain is a little fried. But!! I'm glad you posted another chapter yay!! <3 I can't wait to see how all the ends are going to tie together. I'll definitely be around for the next part! You know you can always come talk about it to me over on discord

I hope you have a lovely day!

Hey Rosey! You just posted this one so I get to actually jump on the train before it gets going! Awesome!

I'm going to start off with some grammar/style nitpicks because that jumped out at me first thing.

Appearing in a standard Guard uniform, consisting of a rough white cotton shirt with turmeric-dyed trim to denote Palahira alliance, instead of my usual muslin and silver-embroidered shirt of a noble among guards, had potentially been a mistake.

This is A Sentence. It really took me a second to understand this. This is the kind of sentence a reader has to parse to get the first time through -- and I doubt you want that. You could easily shift it around and split it up so it's clearer. I suggest starting with "It was probably a mistake to appear in a standard Guard uniform..." to highlight the actual impact/point of the sentence.

I hoped to Sandhin that I hadn’t transmitted what I had just done— not like it was a risk, for how they could sense I hadn’t played with the men around me at the guards.

The second part of this sentence is a bit clunky. Maybe revise to something more like "but if they pressed, they would sense I hadn't played with any of the Guard men". I think in its current incarnation it has too much of Kerani's self-assurance to leave a mark on the reader. Kerani brushes it off like it's insignificant, as does the reader, and in the end it passes without anyone caring about it -- not even Father or Suraj.

Those are all that jumped out at me in a couple go-rounds with this chapter, but I'm sure there's some ground-level grammar editing that can be tackled at a later point.

Oh, and a typo:

My inhibitions were far too lowered for me to be that blunt. But now that I had started it, I couldn’t stop. “You’re an elemantalist, correct?”

I think one of my issues with this chapter is that it relies on the ignorance of Father and Suraj. Father's ignorance to Snakesblood and its interactions with kalisi/afeem, and Suraj's ignorance of politics and empaths. It puts Kerani in a place where she basically gets to school both of them, and I feel like that glosses over some of the actual stakes between her and her family. I mean, at the end of the scene Suraj even bows, in his own way, to her way of life.

Let me illustrate my issue with Father's ignorance: How does he not know about Snakesblood's reactions with afeem?

This feels like something that would have come up when Ranya was nearly poisoned with Snakesblood, especially since Kerani was in charge of that case as well. To me, it makes no sense that she wouldn't have spoken with him about this then as well -- yeah, Ihit took the blow there, not a family member, but it strikes me as something that Kerani would have spoken to Father about in a "this is the worst-case scenario" kind of way. "If any of us are to be poisoned, no antidotes containing afeem are to be ordered for us, because it will literally kill us" sounds like a pretty important detail for a counter-assassin to tell her ruler.

Just a thought there.

I know that Kerani operates on a different social level than both Father and Suraj, and while some of this is what she would know moving through, never really belonging in, the Guard caste, some of it is stuff that either she herself should have told them or they should have picked up being involved with nobility and politics.

It's very, very possible that Suraj has been manipulated by empaths without knowing it, and is ignorant to the idea of most empaths hiding their power. But if so, what about the ones who show their hand? Are they just not good politicians? How is he familiar with the bad politicians being empaths but hasn't entertained that the good ones might be, too? Yes, he's a city magistrate, but he still has interaction with the rulers of his region -- obviously, as he's marrying one of the princesses -- and should be more familiar with at least the mechanical workings of everyday politics if not expressing magical understanding.

Basically, my one gripe with this chapter is that you've put Kerani in a position of complete intellectual power over Father and Suraj. She knows that afeem will kill her. She knows she edited the contract. She knows more about empaths... So what do they know, in this scene? What cards are they holding that she doesn't know about?

She's cut off from her senses because of the Snakesblood, so it would be really cool if you could drop in some emotional tidbits she can't quite snatch or a feeling between the two that she might understand if she was at full strength -- just something so that Kerani isn't 100% in the lead, because I feel like in this scene, your stakes kind of... fizzled a little.

The antidotes only take a few paragraphs fading in and out of consciousness, which is understandable, but we don't see or feel the tension of the people around her so your readers will need stakes that Kerani feels.

Of course I love your writing and fully expect me to like, jump all over you in discord because OMG NEW CHAPTER YES and I adore what you do with your characters <3 But I think this is enough of a review for now. Of course I love it! Keep writing!