Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Today, there's not much in the way of trouble though. It's just more of the personal complaints. What a nice sensation. Everyone is liberated and satisfied to me. To make it better, me and Steve are watching the clouds under the autumn sky. I'm listening to Sweden, by C418 on my earphones, while Steve is doing some dramatic poetry about the climate. He likes doing that, but suddenly, he nudges me. And I know something's off when he quietly does that.
"Bro, stay on guard. I'm gonna hold this bitch off."
"What?"
"God dangit G, just wait here and back me up if I can't do this."
Then I saw the problem. That bitchass Nicole Robinson. She's been patrolling around more often since the school ordered stricter rules. Unfortunately, she's with her sidekick, Jessica Lancaster. I know, these names are some of the most boring names in the world. Who has the family name Lancaster these days? I'll have to hold up Steve. He's not strong enough to do this alone.
"Hey fuck faces! What's up?"
"George Hawkins, you have one more chance to shut your mouth while I discipline your friend here!"
"Make that 10!"
"You know this behavior will not be tolerated by your officers-"
"BYE!"
"Disrespect-"
"BYE!"
"Unruly-"
"BYE!"
"Temperamental-"
"BYE!"
"That does it! George Hawkins, you need to go to the-"
* grabs her by the throat * "Now listen to me, bitch. You have two choices. Back off and leave me and my buddies alone, or you're gonna get these hands. AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Then, I yeeted her face to the ground. It didn't hit the ground, but probably broke a spine or two. She staggered away after that, her face still red from the choke and shocked. I know she's not going to report us, because the last time she did that, let's just say it did not went too well.
"Wow... well, thanks George. That was a nice assist you did there. I felt like I was the assistor."
"Yeah, it's no big deal. The adrenaline was pumping I guess."
"Me and Jessica were just watching in awe. I didn't know you had the balls to hurt her like that."
"Neither did I. I only wanted to scare her."
Yeah, Steve likes to hit people with lightning raids. Sometimes with success, sometimes no such thing. In which case, I'd have to attack with him. This was the first time I was mad enough to strike the bigger attack though. I'd usually come along and cut the ends off their arguments, and punch them back with my threats and counter strikes. I guess Nicole had been too much of a problem for me. And now I am really mad. So mad in fact, that I devised a plan to end Nicole in one silent killing blow. The plan will have to wait though.
For now, let me just enjoy autumn as it is.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the dangerous S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - George is enjoying autumn with his friend Steve, when suddenly, Nicole and her friend Jessica show up. Nicole bothers George a bit before he beats her up to get her to stop talking.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you described that the people are satisfied with George and how that makes him feel satisfied in turn. He likes that he is helping people out and doing it all in secret, it shows just what makes him happy. I also liked how he got so mad that he got so mad at Nicole that he hit her to the ground, it shows that he can’t tolerate her.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a great chapter to this story! I’m going to be sure to check out the rest of the chapters and see how George will deal with Nicole. With that being said, I wish you…
A magnificent day/night! ^v^
This passage is super intense and dramatic! It’s got that feeling of a rebellious teen who doesn’t care about rules and isn’t afraid to stand up for their friends, even if that means getting into a fight. George has a ton of attitude, especially when he’s dealing with Nicole, and you can totally tell he’s not someone who backs down easily. The whole situation with the fight is pretty over-the-top, but it’s also kind of fun to read because of how casual George is about it.
The way George talks about things like his "silent killing blow" plan definitely makes him seem like someone who's not afraid to go to extremes when he's mad, and that makes him kind of unpredictable. The fight with Nicole is really dramatic too, and even though it’s kinda violent, it shows how George doesn’t just talk the talk—he walks the walk.
But it’s also a little wild that George casually talks about hurting people like it’s no big deal. It might be cool for the story, but maybe it’d be better to explain why he does it or how it makes him feel to make it less like it’s just for fun. Overall, though, it’s a pretty entertaining scene with lots of attitude and action. You definitely get the vibe of a character who’s got something to prove!
:3
Thank you for using your time to comment on this work. I'll explain why George's like that two stories later, so stay tuned!
Hi, after reading the entirety of this chapter, I feel I could read the next part too, there's something definitely going on. Alas, I have stumbled onto this halfway and might have to read the earlier chapters(if they exist) for the full picture of these guys.
That said, I find the piece could use a little more description and picture-painting to immerse the reader. After reading the whole piece, I find this could have been a more chaotic and energetic piece, there's a lot of dynamics going on here between these entities, but they are rather downplayed--even the climax fight, try to build into it. in the piece, you have told us what happens, they are chilling, chic comes up, the chilling is interfered with, confrontation, and then surprise, and then they leave? i want to feel the battle and emotional changes. let me feel the rage that drives the choke hold, the surprise and the...the emotion. that moment where he grabs her by the throat, don't downplay it as a by-the-way as you did, use it for emotional depth.
Nichole's voice has always irritated me, like that insect buzzing sound that you just want to thwart. insistent, invisible, until it ain't.
"That does it! George Hawkins, you need to go to the..."
at last, I could silence her. like an itch that gets you to subconsciously scratch, my itch had got to its climax, and my scratch was something else entirely. with my hands already at her throat, I just couldn't take this nonsense any more.
"now listen to me, and listen to me good. " my grip tightens, squeezing the air out of her not out of habit, but more in a rage that demanded retribution for wrongs past. "Back off and leave me and my buddies alone, or you're gonna get the rougher side of these hands." I draw her closer so that she can stare back at me. stare back at the abyss i hold deep under lock " ohh, and of course, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
I yeet her face to the ground, not quite plastering it to the ground but probably enough to break a spine or two. She staggers, face red and flustered from the choke, assault and sheer shock. they never quite expect the assist to be capable of real damage, but today might have just been her lucky day after all, it's not often that i take the offensive.
I know she won't report us, the last time she tried that things just didn't go as planned and perhaps that knowledge contributed to my actions. i can't tell at the moment.
Steve lets out a slow whistle. “Damn, George. Remind me never to piss you off.” with an "i am impressed" grin on his face.
"yeah, it's no big deal. ..."
What i am trying to bring out is, try to write everything as you envision it. the detail, the monologue, the emotion, the raw beauty and conflict of your scenes because that's what relates to the readers and it's what makes your story epic. it keeps them going without having to first read the entire story before they actually start appreciating the story.
that said, great piece, i like George, feels like he can become menace when he feel like it, lol.
Oh wow. I never thought someone would write such a long comment just for the heck of it. Thanks bruv, this will certainly help on the next chapter. I'm working on it, so stay tuned!