Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
It has been one week since the official end of autumn. I wake up on my bed, and see my room. The little, cozy, neat bedroom I've lived in ever since I was a child. The bed feels so amazing at times. Plus, it's Saturday today, so I have no rush. I could sleep in all I want, because my parents are cool like that. They always say as long as I take care of myself, it's okay whatever I do. Then I remember, I have a meeting planned by the Syndicate.
Let me tell a little more of my background story. I am a member of two secret organizations, the first being the Syndicate. The Syndicate is in short, a group of spies. The scouts that work to give me accurate information about the battle situation. We picked the name "Syndicate" because it sounded cool, but also because we're a large connection, much like a real syndicate. Sometimes, we even gather in secret talks with others outside of the Syndicate to collect information, such as Ben Rogers, an NCO of the Black Brigade that was elected out of force. He didn't want the rank, as he wanted to be a member of the Syndicate prior to his election. Of course, I'm the leader here.
The second organization is what secures a place in the minds of people for the Syndicate, because a third of the Syndicate's members joined this one too. The Secret Service, are a band of intelligent students paid to tutor or full-on carry other students' schoolwork. The payment is plentiful, as there are a lot of rich kids at this place, which we can splash on many things. We can weaponize the fact that a third of the Secret Service are Syndicate members, since they rely on us to do their schoolwork, giving a bonus influential presence. Basically a two in one package. And of course, the owner of the Secret Service, Natalie Clarkson, is a friend of mine too. I guess great minds really think alike.
So after I tidied up my bed, I went downstairs to the smell of waffles. Oh, the sweet, sweet smell of those lowland slices of pleasure. Benelux, you really deserve my thanks. I gave my mom many thanks, then took three. Eating things like waffles plain really brings out the texture. But maybe that's cursed, so I bring out the sticky, oozing, transparent Canadian liquid. MAPLE SYRUP BRO, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? I swear, even though maple syrup and waffles might be the most old and boring combo ever, to me, the classics always win.
After I was permitted leave, I headed straight to Coffee Corner, an old coffee shop downtown which actually uses real coffee beans and not the disgusting brown liquid you get from minimarkets. Better yet, it's quite cheap compared to other good coffee brands, and has a lot of other nice options. Even the tea is nice here, which is rare when the shop is a coffee specialist. I meet up with the Vice Chairman, which is Alex Drawbridge (don't ask me how he got that last name), and several other Syndicate members, which were Steve, Lincoln, Vincent, and Victor.
Then it was time. To discuss the plan.
End of chapter
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139,020 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the daunting S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - George eats a breakfast of waffles and syrup, he talks a bit about The Syndicate and The Secret Service, then he goes over to Coffee Corner to discuss the plan of fighting off against Nicole with his group.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you described that George thanks his Mom for making his breakfast, it shows that he really cares about her and respects his parents. I also like how you described that even though waffles with syrup could be considered “boring”, it’s still delicious to him and he enjoys eating it.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, an amazing chapter to this story! I’m excited to see what plan George and the others will come up with to take down Nicole and I am certain that whatever they plan, it’s not going to be a pretty sight. It’ll be treacherous, but I believe in them!
I wish you a fantastic day/night! ^v^
This story is super fun and interesting! The main character’s casual, cool tone makes it feel like you’re reading about an everyday kid, but with a super exciting secret life. The way the protagonist talks about their two secret organizations, the Syndicate and the Secret Service, is awesome! It’s funny and mysterious at the same time, and it makes you want to know more about what they do.
I really liked the little details, like the character’s love for waffles and maple syrup — it adds personality to the main character, and it makes them feel real. Plus, the Coffee Corner part was a great way to show that even though the character is in these secret groups, they still have normal moments like going out for coffee.
The only thing that could be a little clearer is how the two organizations work together. It’s cool that the protagonist is part of both, but it might help to explain that a bit more so readers don’t get confused. Also, sometimes the character’s casual tone jumps between funny and serious, which can feel a bit odd. But it’s still really fun to read!
Overall, this story has a lot of potential! It’s funny, mysterious, and has a lot of cool secret-agent vibes. You definitely want to keep reading to find out what happens next!
I LOVE IT! :3
Once again, thank you for commenting! Please keep it up!
Good good morning, Rooke! Cupid here with a review for you!! (´▽ʃ♡ƪ)
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I just finished reading your story, and I have to say, I’m really impressed! I've always loved a good spy story, so being able to read and review them is always super fun! The casual, conversational tone makes it feel effortless, yet every detail adds something important to the story! The pacing is great, the worldbuilding feels layered, and your narrator has such a distinct voice that makes everything fun to read!
The Syndicate and the Secret Service are seriously cool concepts! (I've always wanted to write about Secret organizations but I never knew how too XD) What I love most is how they don’t just exist for the sake of the plot, they feel strategic.
The idea of using academic influence as a form of power is a wonderful idea! It’s not just about brute force; it’s about intelligence, connections, and playing the long game. And the fact that a third of the Secret Service is also in the Syndicate? That’s the kind of worldbuilding detail that makes everything feel interconnected and real!
Your narrator’s voice is another highlight! The way they go off on tangents, like their love for waffles, makes them feel like a real person instead of just a character moving the plot forward. Those personal touches make the story feel alive while balancing out the more serious elements! Another thing I love how you introduce side characters in a way that makes them distinct without overwhelming the reader. Ben Rogers, for example! The fact that he didn’t want his rank in the Black Brigade makes him immediately more compelling! (Also, Alex Drawbridge… that last name. I have questions. XD)
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I absolutely love your story already, but I did notice a few things I wanted to point out! These changes might not drastically impact your work, but I still think these suggestions could help refine it even more!
Your writing is already strong, but a few small changes could make certain sentences flow even better. Here are some examples:
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This version smooths out the phrasing and gets rid of the fragmented structure in the second sentence!
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Really small change here, but maybe instead of "So I bring out-" You could do, "I reach for-" it makes the sentence more active!
Another thing I noticed is this line: "MAPLE SYRUP BRO, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" Now, it's not unusual to use caps when writing, but using all caps can sometimes be jarring in a written piece. Instead, italics might keep the emphasis while making it look more natural:
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This keeps the energy without feeling like it’s shouting at the reader. Also, the "!?" adds to the exasperation in a way that fits your narrator’s voice!
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Now I understand this is the start of the story, but for future reference maybe try adding subtle tension? Since this is a spy story, adding a hint of tension earlier on could make the transition from waking up to the Syndicate meeting even smoother. Right now, the shift is well-paced, but a little foreshadowing could make it even stronger!
Maybe the narrator glances at their phone and sees a cryptic text from Alex before heading out. Or, maybe there’s a moment of hesitation before they leave, like they enjoy these normal mornings but know they can’t stay in them forever.
Small details like these could add an undercurrent of suspense without slowing the story down!!
Right now, the narrator is confident in their role as leader, which is great, but I’d love to see a brief moment of self-reflection. Do they ever second-guess their decisions? Do they feel the weight of responsibility? Even a single line hinting at their thoughts on leadership would add extra depth.
Honestly, these are all just small tweaks because your story is already so strong. The pacing is great, the worldbuilding is tight, and your narrator’s voice is fantastic. I’m really excited to see where you take this next!!!
Sending you all my love in heart-shaped arrows, Cupid! 💘
I forgot to reply to this one, but thank you for making a long and detailed review, and giving me extra tips on my writing. Stay tuned for the next chapter!
Also, about the cruelty thing, I'll explain in a later chapter. Just follow the story as it goes!
Glad I could help! Let me know when the next chapter is out, I'll definitely read it!! <3<3