Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
As we expected, the cracks were forming. I see Jennifer Fletcher or known as Ole' Jen' making a complaint to Nicole. Apparently, her unit was under heavy fire for being accused of corrupting the Brigade Bank for the school's council projects. Yes, the brigade had a tax too, which "funded the activities", so they say. I don't think throwing a party of tea and crackers every year will cost 10,000 dollars, so no thank you to that stupid ass lie. Fucking corruptors... It was never clear what the school spent that money on, so it obviously boils down to corruption.
Ole' Jen' was threatening Nicole about drawing herself out. Of course, neither Nicole nor the school would sacrifice this, since she was in charge of the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd "Lancer" divisions, which represents the school in inter-school tournaments. Even though the principal stated he'd rather withdraw all the athletic teams than have people representing them which are disgraces to God, I'm pretty sure that's a whole load of bullshit.
The last time the school repaired the stair handles and set new basketball rings were just before an inter-school competition. Before that, one of the basketball rings looked like it was about to dead ass fall at any moment, and the stair handles were completely incapacitated, so yeah. They even added a digital score board, so it's valid to assume that they only ever get nice things just for show. They haven't even fixed the broken water taps yet, further proving my point.
Oops! They're shouting right now. Hold on, I'll have to watch the drama first.
A few minutes pass by.
Ok, Jen's just left the table steaming mad. I'll have to negotiate a deal later at the garden.
More time passes by.
Yep, I've secured a deal. Here's how the conversation went :
"Sup Ole' Jen. I saw that battle against Nicole at the cafeteria. Quite a struggle match huh?"
"Shut up George, I'm not in the mood for your games."
"Oh, this isn't a game Jen, it's a play! I'm setting up the stage right now. That little incident of yours was just collateral damage."
"Wait, so you're the one who took the money?"
"It wasn't directly me. Let's just say, I got some hired help. They're already justifying the return of that money right now and shifting the blame from you."
"Agh, I don't even have the energy to be mad anymore. Your tricks are too smart for any of us. I know you'll make more of these rumors to stain us further. Fine, I'll resign. You get to take me away from the Black Brigade."
"Oh, taking you away was never the intention. I had no grudge against you, only Nicole and the school board. If anything, I want you to stay there!"
"Why so?"
"You'd help me! By being a pain in the ass to Nicole, you'll keep her stuck on yourself!"
"And why would I do that?"
"Oh come on, it's gonna be fun! I saw how satisfied you were by yelling at her. She is a bitch ass, I know."
"Let me get a cut from those Secret Service earnings then."
"Why don't you just join them? You're smart enough to tutor some kids around here."
"I have no intention of putting myself in trouble."
"Oh well. How much?"
"Two hundred dollars."
"Now that's a little much of you, lady! I know it's a stable income, but you can't corrupt that much!"
"Or else."
"One fifty."
"Let's meet in the middle. One seventy five."
"Fine. You owe me big time though!"
"To even it out, I'll act very nice (in a suspiciously naughty tone) to you for the rest of the month. See you soon, outlaw."
"You know where to find me if you want a new deal."
Yep. this operation is going well.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello!! This is a nice piece, and its interesting qualities lies in the characters. My curiosity about some of the characters are sparked, though especially the one speaking. This character appears to have this lingering resentment that slips up through the snarky language, that makes them quick to accuse corruption, and they're confident in their conclusion; "Fucking corruptors... It was never clear what the school spent that money on, so it obviously boils down to corruption."
The character suddenly abrupt themselves, to see the "drama" going on. I find it interesting how while they have this serious anger, they discuss the matter of corruption in a "flimsy" way instead. That alone, alongside the previous quote, makes me wonder about what has gotten this person to this point of having this resentment, but also to be so, in a sense, conditioned to this corruption.
It turns out this person is George, the boy too smart for Jennifer to even argue against. I like how kind of un-serious he appears to be, yet despite how jokey and light he sounds, under the surface of it all you can tell he is a risky, potentially dangerous one due to Jennifer easily giving up. You don't even need Jennifer to say "you're too smart for me" to even know that he is; he approaches her when she's feeling drained and worn out, knowing well she's more likely to accept the deal, which is quite strategic on his part.
I do have some minor criticisms though. While the characterization of both characters are pretty strong already, due to the dialogue being pretty great when showing their voices, I think some more descriptions would uplift this story, especially when it comes to the interaction between George and Jennifer. Alongside that, instead of saying "this is how the conversation went:", it would flow more better to just show the conversation as it is, and would feel more earned knowing the deal was successfully secured after reading the conversation. Other than that, while I do think that the cuss words does fit with the voice, and the number of cuss words is actually pretty decent enough to not be distracting or jarring, I still think maybe one cuss word could be taken out. I also found a bit of a mistake here:
I feel here it should be "who" instead of "which".
Anyways, this was nice to read! Again, I liked the dialogue and the characterization is actually pretty decent. The voices are distinct too, adding to how strong the characterization is here! This piece is nice!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the jinxed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - George watches Jen and Nicole argue. Later, Jen and George talk to each other about the money and George agrees to get 175 of the money to Jen. The operation seems to be going well in George’s eyes, but this is only the beginning.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like that negotiating conversation between George and Jen, it shows that some of his skills with connecting with others and getting more people to be on his side. I also like how he’s upset the school is not spending their money in the right way, he cares about it not being corrupt.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, this was an interesting chapter to this story. I wonder how Jen will play into this later and what will happen with The Syndicate and Black Brigade further. I hope that George will be able to do more, but I have a feeling that Nicole and the school are not going to like that…I’ll check back for updates…
I wish you a fabulous day/night! ^v^
I was impressed with the way the author led to the climax in this part. Especially when a character decided to 'sever the line' - it reminded of sacrificing or losing something important. Do you think that action came from fear, loyalty, or was it necessary decisiveness in the situation?Geometry Dash Lite
It was the latter. They weren't sacrificing anything, just trying to split apart this Black Brigade. Thank you for commenting!