Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Another day, another time of peace. Heh. What a life I lead.
Let me introduce myself. I am George 'Georgie' Hawkins, but people call me the Liberator. Everyone knows, but everyone keeps it a secret. How does that work? Well, it's just a secret from our teachers and parents, except the principal. None of them know who the liberator is. And every time they guess, they guess it wrong. People say my luck doesn't run out, but really, it just recharges really fast. Lucky bastard they say.
What do I do as the Liberator? Well, I report every major complaint every student sends me. It's not a mail carrier system though, but I call the shots whenever there's a threat to us. For instance, Mr. Walter was signed a heavy wage penalty for offending the entire 7th grade. He was a very emotionally destructive and demoralizing teacher, so we all did a general advance against him, to the principal's office, and we asked for a revolt. It worked.
Another time a kid called Norman was bullying every target he could find. He didn't have a gang, which means he was in fact strong enough to withstand everything against him. Even Steve, a popular jock and my best friend, couldn't throw enough punches with his baseball team to knock him down. So I committed to planning his downfall by mentally kicking him in the ass. It worked, and now he's in a special school. He's probably completely mentally fucked up today.
I don't always bring success to the table. Most of my victories were from coordinated attacks, that could strike people from everywhere at once. I tried attacking solo sometimes, for both requests and for personal gain. I tried fighting against our Black Brigade (our school's version of Boy Scouts) Lance Corporal, Nicole Robinson, and lost. Also offended some people to the request of others, though that succeeds quite rarely.
It doesn't all have to be violent rebellion though. I know other methods to kill, which are quieter and more deadly. Nicole, that dictator-influenced bitch? I call her by her full name with her rank. Every. Single. Time. It's not technically wrong, so she can't do anything about it. You can imagine how annoyed she is at me. Every time she sees me, she quivers, and walks away. To add salt to the wound, I convinced other people to say that too.
You might ask, why would I make people suffer? It's definitely unethical, even if people hate them. Well, justice doesn't care about people's feelings. All of these victories are driven by people saying that they are not satisfied by their commander. Even Nicole. The Black Brigade, like most traditional British disciplinary organizations, is Christian based. And I'm not woke, in fact, I am against LGBTQ+, but I believe people have a right to choose what they believe in.
The problem is, they force this on every student, whether Christian or not. So it's up to us, the freedom fighters, to revolt, and strike back. Launching the return fire when no one else is willing to. A lot of books teach me how to overpower tyrants, like Art of War, Marked, and others. I'm not a real expert, but I'm learning how to. And I'll try to liberate our rights, even if it's the last thing I do.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
hey! :]
From the context I picked up, I believe this is meant to be a satirical war narrative, *but* it's revealed that it's just schoolyard politics. The story never sways away from that voice; it’s a confident / conversational style, as if Georgie is telling a war story over coffee, except the war is waged in a middle / high school. He is quite arrogant and self-assured, but it's clear that he believes what he's saying is true, albeit exaggerated. I first thought that he was a jab at Machiavellian ideas and how power can consume people, e.g. in a novel like The Lord of the Flies or whatnot. His ethics themselves are fittingly shaky.
This is first person point of view, but that doesn't always mean that exposition should be written about freely. There are many moments of telling rather than showing--"People say my luck doesn’t run out, but really, it just recharges really fast."--and it makes Georgie seem less dynamic as a character. I'd suggest that you use more scene-based storytelling instead of summarizing events, e.g. showing Georgie in action rather than foretelling / recalling things that he will do or already has done. I would've loved to see him planning Norman’s downfall step-by-step in the story itself.
Georgie has obvious agency: he does things, makes choices, and influences events. However, I feel like his characterization is intellectualized to the point where it's unclear why he is like that. He may not be 'woke' and dislikes many of the people around him, but for a child to be full of such strong emotions, there has to be a defining moment of causation. His moral contradictions feel underexplored; he claims to fight for freedom but also admits to being prejudiced / destructive. That could either be deep hypocrisy, if intentional, or an unintentional inconsistency. A bit more backstory would've cleared those things up, and his relationships with others could be expanded on. I wouldn't expect others to be exactly like him.
It is sensitive to bring up topics like the LGBTQ community in an opinionated story like this as well--though, of course, anyone can write anything they'd like--and I believe it could've been written in a more nuanced way. The women around Georgie are called derogatory terms, he references religious groups in terms of how they enable his spiteful behavior, and he openly states that he does not support an entire group of people. It isn't 'woke' to approach marginalized communities with dignity and respect, *even* if you fundamentally disagree with their lifestyles.
I hope this helps; have a good day!
lina
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the frightful S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - A seventh grade liberator works in secret to liberate the rest of his school, but problems might arise for him and things may not be so very easy.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like the premise of this being a seventh grade boy bringing “liberation” to his school, it shows that he cares about his school, but then, how far will he be willing to go to protect his school? And how much does it really mean to him? He seems to really care about others, too.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely first start to a story. I will be sure to read other parts of the story if you ever plan on uploading more. This was an interesting start and so…
I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^