I rise up from my bed. It is 5 AM in the morning. The last morning in which the motherland may see peace.
Our enemies are in the distance. Those cruel, foul bastards. They have plundered our land, killed our men, and stained our glory.
The North has fallen. The West is barely holding together. And the East is of no help. Now we, the people of the South, are left to fight alone.
As the first rays of sunlight pierce through the horizon, we can see the amassing troops. The enemies who have killed our brethren.
The king tells us he himself will ride out there today. He says to have sat in his camp and watch his men die, while thinking of what a fool he is for not striking with courage.
Today, that all changes.
As the sun grows, we see more and more. Thousands, if not tens of thousands of those dastardly thieves are rolling in.
They appear menacing. I fear them, their power, their strategy. If the North, East, and West could not beat them, how can we? My spirit had been worn down since I woke up.
But then, I see something else.
Our goat horns and bells ring. The army and the people sing. And the proud flag of the motherland rises up. And the people cheer for us, loudly and with power. Power greater than a hundred thousand troops could ever bring. Now, something else is instilled in me.
Now I see that our kingdom shall not fall.
This will be the last sunrise where blood is spilt in the South. This will be the last sunrise that our swords are ever bloodied again. This will be the last time the foreigners attack the motherland, I told myself as I rode to battle.
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140,115 Literary Works • 673,019 Reviews
Good morning, Rooke! Cupid here with a short review. I was looking through the Green Room and happened to land on your story, and I had to review it!
I have to say, this is a fantastic start! You've really captured the intensity of the situation and the rising tension! I especially love the line,
The imagery in this single line is so powerful! Lines like this stick with your readers throughout a good story—wonderfully done!
You've also done a great job of building suspense. The descriptions of the enemy troops, and the initial fear of the characters are very effective, you've managed to give me goosebumps, haha! (T▽T)"
Although I'm not here to criticize, I think you could consider adding a bit more detail about the battle itself. What kind of weapons are used? What are the different strategies? This would add another layer of depth and realism to the story. However, if your intention was to keep it short and sweet, then don't mind this!
I really enjoyed this piece! You have a great command of language and a knack for creating vivid imagery. I'm excited to see what you write next!!
Sending you all my love in heart-shaped arrows, Cupid! 💖
Your neighborhood Angie here to give you a review!
First of all, WOW. Amazing details in several different aspects of the story!
Overall feeling, it is filled with dread, then hope, then... hope? at the end. amazing. I love how you left aspects up to the reader's imagination, it really adds to the power of the work.
Now for details.
To start, I love how you began the narrative. It doesn't dump all the information at once, and keeps the reader guessing at what is happening. A great way to pull the reader in and to ensure they keep reading with interest.
Secondly, how you structured the piece. You broke it up a lot, using both shorter sentences and short paragraphs. This can take away from the piece when not used well and can really add to the work when used well. Good news is, you used it well. This sort of structure can be used to make the work more serious and dramatic, which is exactly what the work is about considering the title and plot.
These small details really add to the work as a whole.
Finally, the ending. I as a reader love asking questions at the end of short stories. You used the words, "I told myself," which causes the reader to question whether the South will really win or not. Is the narrator lying to oneself as a way of having hope in a seemingly hopeless situation? Will they make it? If you wanted to end the story in a way that makes the South's victory seem already won, I would take out this phrase, as it seems to undermine the build up of confidence right before. If this was your intention, then good job! It's done well.
Overall, I usually find works from the perspective of someone about to go to war pretty boring, as it's something that I've seen often. You, on the other hand, utilized the smaller details and styles of writing and the world building in a way that made me invested in the story and wanting to continue reading. I found the work written wonderfully, good job!!
Thank you for reviewing this poem! I will continue to make more like this, albeit with a few bug fixes.