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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Hello again dear! So with the capitalizing thing, you should be consistent with either capitalizing every line or not capitalizing every line. This one is not as smooth and flowy as the other ones and, to me, reads a bit like a screenplay. But content wise I still enjoy it.
Once again a love piece of poetry, you continue to astound me fortis! So far I only see one flaw, it's small "poke it head out" I believe you were trying to write it's head out. And yeah everything else that I have read is beautiful, it's very captivating and it's getting interesting every moment I read your writing, I also love the contradiction you add with both characters:
A man waits
he is not pleasant to see
but hope has made a home in his eyes.
The it transitions into
A woman enters
she has an air of love about her
to match the waiting man.
Two different genders: woman and man, and two different features: Beautiful and not so beautiful. Once again astounding job and continue to amaze people, next time just try adding more imagery (but that is all about what the writer wants) Great job, keep writing, and rock on!
Hey there fortis! Niteowl here to review another part of this lovely piece for the Mystery Machine this fine Review Day!
Now, this is lovely. So good I'm basically resorting to nitpicks.
2nd line: All of your sentence beginnings are capitalized except this one. Intentional or typo?
3rd line: Ugh I love this line it is too beautiful.
4th line: I believe you meant "poke its head out".
3rd stanza, 3rd line: For continuity's sake, maybe it should be "His dream breaks" to go with the singular dream from the first stanza.
Overall, I think you have an interesting series going here, though I have yet to read all the parts. I like how you switched from the wistful love poem (I assume from the man's point of view?) to the intriguing narrative piece here. I definitely have to go read the rest of these now. Keep writing!
Hey there fortis!
Hadj here to review! (GO BLACK!)
I absolutely love the series you have going here!
I read the first three, but never got around to reviewing them, but with review day upon us, I decided to explain what I think so far!
Nitpicks
Line 5:
Should be
Criticism
Line 7:
I'm not sure why you used quotes here. It was confusing, and seemed to remove some of the stress of the unattainability of his goal. Quotation marks make it sound more like
I also wish you could have put some more story or imagery into this
Basically all I gather is that a man was waiting for love, and when the woman asks only for a favor, he becomes full of sorrow. This isn't very specific nor is it generalized, putting it somewhere in the twilight zone O.O
Praise
Overall great work. I love the font you used, and the short simple phrases made it interesting to read.
Great work, and keep writing!
Hadj