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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hi there fortis! It's me again! Aren't you excited?
So yeah, I think you did quite a good job again. Just a couple things
Third line: I believe you meant "loose". "Lose" is when you misplace something (and it doesn't quite rhyme with "noose").
Eighth line: Okay I fully appreciate that iambic pentameter isn't fun but this line is weird and almost makes no sense. I love "moon-lit noose" but not the rest. Maybe "The sky will hang a deadly moon-lit noose"? Or something tying the noose, but not the sky because that would be too much rhyme.
Overall, great job, just fix a couple things. Keep writing!
AHA!
I could not get that line to fit no matter how hard I tried. Thankyouthankyou.
Hey, great job here writing about Cyrano's feelings and struggle. The rhyme in this poem is pretty good. For a little while it confused me, until I saw the pattern.
Here are couple of things I see in this poem:
The second line, maybe change that to: "with anger and sorrow, but also happiness." The flow and connections between emotions might make more sense that way.
"heart-break threat'ning" I'm not sure the ' adds anything to the poem. I'd just go ahead and write out "heart-break threatening"... but it's not that important. The apostrophe bit just throws me off for a little.
I think the fourth line needs "the" between "to" and "storms." That's not a very big thing, either, but to me the line reads more clearly and flows better that way.
The third line from the bottom is missing a word or punctuation or something, I think. This may be a matter of a simple typing error. "The sky is dangling [its] deadly moon-lit noose"? "The sky is dangling [from a] deadly moon-lit noose"?
"Death of a foe with leave you quite a mess"? Did you mean something like, "Death of a foe leaves you with quite a mess"?
But anyway, this is a pretty good take on Cyrano. These poems give a fresh take and depth to Cyrano's story.
~ jessiethought ~
Thanks for your ideas, but for the most part, they were intentional to keep the rhythm. This is writen with iambic pentameter (duh-DUH-duh-DUH-duh-DUH-duh-DUH-duh-DUH) so I can only have 10 syllables, all with a particular stress/unstress.
However that "death of a foe with..." should have been "will" instead of "with." Still need to fix that. u_u
Oh, okay! I didn't really see the meter in the poem, so sorry! I would have reviewed differently if I had!
I had a hard time understanding this poem. It wasn't just the metaphors, it was also your grammar.
I don't want to be THAT person, but there's quite a bit.
The one part that really threw me off was "Death of a foe with leave you quite a mess." Did you mean "death of a foe WILL leave you quite a mess"?
Either way, I actually did enjoy this. I hope to see more of your work. (but please double and triple check your grammar before you post.
Again, sorry for being THAT person...
Good luck to you!
oops this is what happens when you write something on notepad rather than word. Other than that and the last line (which I know has problems and I'm trying to brainstorm some ways to fix it) do you see any other problems?
Also, that's not grammar, that's just an honest mistake. Grammar doesn't matter in poetry, but things like saying "with" instead of "will" do.