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Raw Beats

by Rodionandaxe


   Shut up
      Stand up
        Close your eyes
  Focus

  Not on
        Your thoughts
      Your surroundings
    Your feelings

    But the raw beats
             The heart thumping
                The blood rushing
                   The lungs heaving

                   Rhythm
                Vibration
             Motion

Your
       Alive
              Animal
                         Body


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79 Reviews


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Mon Sep 20, 2021 6:50 am
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AilahEvelynMae wrote a review...



Hey there, Ellie here!

I absolutely love the formatting of this poem. It is so unique and it adds special touch. Now I’m super inspired to write my own poetry in this format. This is some thing I’ve never tried before so it will be fun.

I love how you use single words the actions and reactions in this story/poem. This makes me want to make a poem in the shape of a persons body. Anyways it was very unique and I love it. I really really really hope to see more soon.

Sending you all the best,

Ellie-Mae <3 <3 <3 <3




Rodionandaxe says...


Thanks a lot for the review<3



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Sun Sep 19, 2021 6:29 am
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silented1 wrote a review...



I like the shape of this poem. It's fun to read. You run quick with your words and it works well for the feverish ending. Well done.

You could cut some of this out and add more connected theme / clarity type ideas like the phrase nothing else. So, think about that. It should work out to be more impactful. Best of luck.




Rodionandaxe says...


Thank you for the review :)



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Sat Sep 18, 2021 10:59 am
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey!! Forever here with a tiny review!!

It was a pleasure to read it aloud. It gave me a lyrical or let's say song like feeling.

Shut up
Stand up
Close your eyes
Focus

Seems like you are telling the reader to focus on something. We still don't know what that thing is but well, something. The second line, i.e., stand up reads very unique to me. I don't know why perhapd because I do have an imagination that makes my mind to think of a sitting posture when it comes to concentration.
Not on
Your thoughts
Your surroundings
Your feelings

Seems like you are trying to tell your readers to focus on something unique and not on the things that people normally tell to focus on. Also I guess there are a few opposite sort of things in this paragraph. Like focusing on the three things mentioned above at the same time doesn't seem to be very possible to me. It will be quite hard to do. Like if you focus on the surroundings, a lot of thoughts will come and if you try to focus on the thoughts then, there is a pretty good chance that you can miss the surroundings.
But the raw beats
The heart thumping
The blood rushing
The lungs heaving

Hm... Seems like you are telling the people to focus on their physical own self rather than their mental self and the surroundings. This is quite unique because we generally hear people saying the opposite, we see people telling to focus on minds. However here we have the opposite where we are telling people to observe and feel all the internal movements in their own body.
Rhythm
Vibration
Motion

Your
Alive
Animal
Body

It was a great ending and I like how you said animal instead of human body. I think it was a measure to stop that people distinguish humans from animals. You wanted to show every alive creature as equal.

Overall, it was quite a great read accompanied by the great formatting you presented the poem with. It was fun jumping from one stair to the other :D

Keep Writing!!


~Forever




silented1 says...


Gets a magnifying glass. Tiny? Where? Looks up... oh, this MOUNTAIN.





@silented1 XD. I thought it would be an extremely short review but it wasn't that small :D



silented1 says...


Trolololol long review.



Rodionandaxe says...


Thanks for the detailed review Forever <3
As for the length of reviews, I end up writing big ones too even though I start out thinking otherwise :D



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Fri Sep 17, 2021 6:39 pm
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waywardxwallflower wrote a review...



Hello! Wallflower here with a quick review (:

The first thing clearly noticeable about this poem is the unique formatting. It's lovely; it fits the poem and adds a sense of something other. The style this is done in is lovely, and it perfectly fits the subject at hand. The short, choppy lines add to each individual subject: the space between each line gives the reader time to digest the words you've written.

Overall, this is a lovely, simple but powerful poem about the physical nature of human beings. Great job; keep writing!




Rodionandaxe says...


Thanks for the review!!!



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Fri Sep 17, 2021 4:12 pm
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lukekazey wrote a review...



Hey, Luke here for a quick review :)

I absolutely love this poem. It's so simple, and yet its beauty is found in its simplicity. I think the particularly effective part of this is the formatting, as it just fits the message of the poem gorgeously- formatting is something I really need to start playing around with more. Your poem flows and the rhythm is truly reminiscent of a heartbeat, which I assume is what you were going for.

I also think the thing that makes this so effective is its message. So often, poetry is about huge incomprehensible feelings and concepts, because its great for exploring stuff like that. But you encourage us to focus on things that are very much comprehensible and tangible, and find beauty in them, and I think thats really beautiful.

My only suggestion would be to consider your use of capitalisation. Its fairly consistent up until the end stanza where each word of the thought is capitalised. This Is entirely something of personal preference though, so feel free to completely disregard this.

Overall, a beautiful poem, and I can't wait to read more of your work.

Yours,
Olli




Rodionandaxe says...


Thank you so much for the review <3




Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop