I have learned to hate the dark,
where the secrets lie,
the realm where wrongdoers
have finally found respite,
the shadows of laughter
at ill-conceived jokes,
concealing the daggers
that leap at my throat,
the terrible thoughts
that give only fleeting gifts.
I have learned to hate the dark,
for that is where I live.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey, this is pretty good.
My favorite line is
"the realm where wrongdoers
have finally found respite"
I think it's fantastic. A perfect way to describe "peace" for those who are so undeserving of it. That peace they finally find fits the emotion of this poem. From start to finish you feel that. Great job.
Hey RippleGylf, it's AshleyDashley here for a review!
First off the title caught my eye and made me want to read it so good job on that!
Second this poem seems a little sad but really amazing! I could really feel the emotion this poem evokes. I also like your description since I can clearly see it in my head. You did a marvelous job with that.
Third I like the lines:
I totally get what you mean by this. You make your meaning clear throughout the whole thing. But these lines are the best! I'm sorry you feel this way and if you ever wanna talk I'm here.
Overall you did a magnificent job with this poem and I really enjoyed reading it! Keep up the great work and I hope to read more of your work in the future!
AshleyDashley
Hello!
I'm here to fulfill that WRFF request you made ^^
So today I learned that respite is yet another word that is pronounced differently in the UK and places than the US. I was going to complain about how you have a pretty nice slant rhyme in the second two stanzas but lie and respite don't. But, they do if you use the UK pronunciation, so I guess I'll have to live with that.
I usually don't like rhyme like, hardly at all, but I think it's okay here. It's not glaringly forced, but I actually do think it is a little forced here. But I think the whole poem is a bit forced and cliche in the first place, so let's talk about that now.
I really like the first line/title, and how you bring it in again at the end, and I like the end line too. But the middle lines are mostly blah. I don't feel any emotion from it. It just sorta falls flat. "ill-conceived jokes" is pretty clunky and doesn't make that much sense. It seems like you're only using it for the sake of the rhyme, which is what makes rhyme forced.
And now that I'm trying to read into meaning, none of the lines (except for the ones that I mentioned I like) make much sense at all. Like, I can make sense out of them, but read all those middle lines. Is that really what you're trying to say? What are you trying to say? Ask yourself that. Ask yourself what message you're trying to convey in this poem, and then just write that message. If you read your message and you think it's a bit too straight-forward, or un-pretty-sounding, think up a metaphor maybe, or some other literary device. The most important literary device to use in poetry though is imagery. Concrete imagery, not this nebulous, "terrible thoughts that only give fleeting gifts." Think up something that you can distinctly see, smell, touch, taste, or hear, that has an emotional connection with it, and sew some of those things together to create an overarching theme.
Or don't. I mean poetry IS up to you, and you're allowed to take or leave whatever advice I give you. I'm just telling you what has worked for me.
You definitely have a good start here though. You don't have any bad habits. Your slant rhyme shows that you're open to poems without perfect rhymes, and that's good.
I'm going to end this poem here because it's getting late and I'm not even sure if I'm making sense anymore.
If you ever need help with poetry, feel free to come to me. I'd love to be able to help you. And I hope this review helped you.
Let me know if you have any questions, and keep writing! You can never get better if you don't keep at it, and that goes for even the best of the best. C:
~fortis
Hi! Thought I'd review this for you. Also, according to my statistics, this is the first poem I've reviewed in more than three months. So sorry if it's rusty?
I've been focusing a lot on novel chapters.
Anyway, I think you showed this to me a while ago. I liked it then, and I like it now. But I think you could make this even more effective.
I never quite know what to say when I see this problem with a poem, because I see it all the time but I have no idea how to put it into words. The closest I've gotten is that you're being a bit vague, and you're not using words that evoke emotion.
For example:
'Wrongdoers' is both a vague term and doesn't produce emotion, and the two lines around it are similarly lackluster. For all I know, you're talking about people who like to post spam and they've found a forum without any moderators to stop them. (I mean, probably not, but still.
On the other hand, you've got your second stanza, which is easily the best of the three. It provides specific, concrete imagery that conveys the idea of a backstabbing, two-faced atmosphere very well. I especially like the image "shadows of laughter." The only two words I'd harp on here are "ill-conceived" and "leap" because both just felt a little awkward to me when I read it. (And do daggers really leap?)
Your last two lines are strong, though in general I try to avoid using "for" phrases in poetry because it makes it sound like a LOTR epic.
The only other thing I'll comment on is that if you read the poem out loud as you would a paragraph, the tenses and "sentence" structure don't make very much sense. For example, I keep feeling like "concealing" should be "conceal," as if it's a stand-alone sentence. Either that or the first line should be "where the shadows of laughter."
I hope this is helpful! If anything's confusing, just ask and I'll try to explain.
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
I'm Maddie and I'm here review your poem!
So I think this is a fine poem. You rhyme well, and it doesn't seem cheesy. While rather short, I will say that I like the idea behind this poem. I like that you pull on some imagery, such as the second stanza. My only opinion is honestly that you make this longer. You could go a lot darker with this idea, make it a bit more uneasy. Talk about the sounds, touch, smells, what else would be seen in the shadows of this darkness. Allow your mind to go nuts! It not only would be interesting for the reader, but fun for you to think on.
Keep writing and hope that you'll be writing more soon!
~Maddie
Thank you so much for reviewing my poem! I appreciate it.