Anthill

Hey there. I'm Jonathan, here to review your poem. Let's get right into it.

I think the image you painted here is really vivid, and you don't need any basic advice. I love your opening and how you jump right into this comparison of humans to ants. I can picture everything you say. So in this review I'll be focusing on three things: tone, various nitpicks about awkward wording, and then how to make those images even stronger. A disclaimer: you can take or leave any of my advice. It's just my opinion!

Firstly, tone. I really like this tone you've got going on here. from your first line, I can hear a mix of bitterness and pride. "I'm not one" implies that you think you're better than the ones who /are/ one, and I really like that cockiness showing up immediately. However, as the poem goes on, I feel that tone slipping away from you bit by bit. That "rest of us" line is good, but it still lacks the self-assurance from the beginning of the poem, replaced with just anger, which (to me) is much less interesting.

Secondly, small errors and word choice. For the latter, I'd make sure you're using the richest verbs possible. You had a good thing going on until your line about "running" into metal mounds. That verb really hurt your flow, I think. And as for errors, is just check over your poem by reading out loud to see if you say certain words too much. One example is in the middle of the poem when your rhythm is stopped up by a double use of "stars".

And finally, making those images stronger. The number one tip I'd have for you would be to really make sure you're using the most evocative words possible, just like I mentioned with "run". I really want you to go as far as you can with this-- and don't be afraid to go over the top. You can always edit down, and I'll be happy to take a read if you want me to. Keep writing.

Jonathan

Hey, I'm here to review as requested! Please keep in mind I've taken a long break from reviewing, and therefore might be rusty in this department.

First of all, I would like to compliment you with your high vocabulary. As a non-native English speaker, I need to search up for some of the words you use. ^^' It's just me though.

So, the first thing I notice about this poem is your metaphors. They just feel disjointed to me for the reason that they aren't connected by the same theme. 'mound of metal' wouldn't be too sudden an imagery if you expand on it, and assuming the 'they' you talk about refer to the ants, I wonder why ants would care about stars and have celestial home. I feel like there should be something that connect those two imagery.

Also, why do the toy boats join the beacon? Are they joining it in the sense that the beacon is their friend, or are they gravitating to it because the beacon emits a wave of light? I think you should paraphrase that, because usually boats go towards the beacon, and join doesn't seem to indicate that.

I like the last four lines. I think those are the best ones in terms of delivering message and meaning.

And that is all. Sorry for not being able to review any deeper. My suggestion is for this poem to be longer to give you more space to elaborate your points. The imageries themselves are pretty solid and visuable. Keep up the good job!

Hey!

I really like this poem. I've felt this sensation many times while walking around the big city of Chicago, especially at night. I really love how you took this kind of really depressing thing about how we're all basically a part of the machine and made it more beautiful in its negativity. Your words are lovely, and the message is true. That's what makes this poem good. The flow was pretty good as well, and the mood was pretty.
However there are a couple little things I think could be improved, such as:

"Even their toy boats
join the beacon,"
These boats and that beacon seem to come from nowhere and go nowhere.

"reaching for
what, exactly?
Acknowledgement?
Perhaps an onlooker from on high
could see the collective glare,
but the rest of us..."
I know what you're trying to say here, but it really isn't working for me. This is just my opinion, but this feels really awkward. Like the questions. And then the words after the questions don't feel quite right either.

"with every ant scuttling about
only to run into another
mound of metal."
The line breaks here feel a little weird. Maybe it's because you probably should have a comma after "about," or maybe it's because I personally would use the word "around" instead of "about." Also, I keep reading it as "only to run into one another" so could "another" be on the same line as "mound of metal?" I'm not sure how you would make that work visually, but that's just a little suggestion from the peanut gallery.

"I am not one" felt like a rather weak way to start to me too.

I really like this poem though. The sentiment behind it I can relate with all too well. I've written a couple little poem sketches about that same feeling, but it's not cliche, which is a good thing

I hope this review helped! Let me know if you have any questions, and keep writing!
~fortis

Well, well I don't think I need to say more. Do I? Anyway, I'm just going to say it. Like they

say the beginning was wow and the words you chose were pretty good. You said what you had

say then that's it. You didn't add no unnecessary things, it's short, yeah, but I feel like nothing

was needed anymore. The questions, Jesus, you are really talented. The end you did an

amazing job on that, I'll give you the credits. Keep writing things like that, don't throw your

gifts away please. I think I've said too much, like they said you are amazing and this is

awesome. Oh I almost forgot, I really really love it.


Just Mitkay dropping by.

nice job like the story thing you got going on here. The ending was pretty stellar and I like the word cotton webs and mound of mettle great job but is this a poem or a short story, whatever it is though I like it. 1 out of 10 I would give it a 6 nice work. The beginning was good to. Do you think you will be doing a nother one like that? Ore or you done? Good job though I enjoin it.

Hello Remington38 here for a reveiw!

It was short but I don't feel like it needs to be added onto. It has said what it needs to say and I really enjoyed what it had to say. Honestly the ending was my favorite when it goes from asking these question of what and why are these like they are? Then it goes into elegant description. I love the word choice cause it fits perfectly with the story. Overall I really like it and you are a very gifted writer.