Rip it to shreds, reviewing wolves! Have at it! 
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Rain slicks over the roads
Freezing on the asphalt
No sweet symphonic codes
To capture our delight
-
This time of year is lifeless
So different from the summer
But a flower bloomed in winter
Enveloped in white
-
Let us fall where we may
From the greatest heights
And we can hope to land
Among the northern lights
We are...
We are...
-
Walls of ice enclosing me
Keeping darkness in my eyes
With light outside I'd see
As they melted down it shone
(Under construction! Thank you Nikki. And Isha, for seconding Nikki. xD)
-
Not in the bluest moon would I
Choose to be so far from you
But the way we never try
It's hard to feel alone
-
Let us fall where we may
From the greatest heights
And we can hope to land
Among the northern lights
We are...
We are...
-
We are of the essence
We have no resistance
We can go the distance
We are, we are (x2)
We are...
-
Let us fall where we may
From the greatest heights
And we can hope to land
Among the northern lights
We are...
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140,230 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
looks like some carefully selected words in the first few stanzas, they seem to fit just right. These lyrics make me feel a sense of progression, I could see these lyrics working with an upbeat backdrop of music.
good stuff!
dude you should go pro!!!!!!!!!! I totally loved this song. I am your #1 fan! you should like post a video. it is SO amazing. think of all the downloads you could get off this song
This was really good! If it was a song on the radio, I would actually listen to it! You should put it on youtube. I would love to hear it!
Wonderful...!!! I just loved it!!! Let me know when it comes out on a record Album....
Hiya Raz! Luxy here. I seriously couldn't find anything to rip to shreds that hasn't already been pointed out in the above reviews. I loved this! I wish I could hear the music to go with it!
This was great!
Luxy
Just be sure you give me credit! Razcoon from YWS! And what site?
Warning: I quoted your chorus on another site. It completely intrigued me.
Where you said "under construction" was correct, I'm afraid. But in all honestly, I'm not a poetry major in the slightest, so I don't have much of an opinion.
The rhyming scheme was most impressive, and was captivated.(: Thanks for sharing.
Yeah, depending on the tune I would also listen, I think this is great. Although the first line for me was like, is this going to be a sad poem about someone dying in a car crash? Largely because my boyfriend just slid on some ice yesterday morning and was in a crash (luckily he's okay, or I would probably not even be online). But I think you had some really great lyrics - I can't remember the first stanza, and I didn't copy it to look back at it like I normally do, but I remember the third line I thought was especially beautiful. Good job!
~Blue
Ellie>>
This appears thrice. xDD
And yes, I've been wondering who it could be about too! :O (I keed...
Cassidy>> xDD I love you.
Everyone else>> Thank you so much!
Ok I'm not very good at writing reviews, and I'm definitely not good at writing reviews for lyrics, so this will be very short. I really enjoyed reading this. There was a melody in my mind while I was reading this that would be perfect for this song. I love the reference to the Northern Lights.
Great Job!
Hey, Raz!
). You start off nicely, and I can kind of get a sense of a rhythm developing, but it might be a bit hard to visualize and your rhythm is probably completely different then what I'm imagining.
I don't have much experience reviewing lyrics, and I don't want to be too repetitive of the other reviews, so bear with me. I thought this was really cute (Hmm, I wonder who it could be about...
The beginning is well done, but I'm wondering, however, about the title. Usually in songs, the title appears somewhere in the song, usually in the chorus, but it can be at the beginning or the very end also. I, however, don't see it anywhere. I also think you can embellish the theme more of summer being different then winter. You start off with it in the first two stanzas but then somewhat drop it, which is a shame because it was starting to intrigue me.
I'm also not too fond of the way 'we are' dangles of the ends of your stanzas. It was somewhat confusing because we were wondering about what you meant, and although you explain, it still feels somewhat incomplete. Also, I'm not sure what, in this song, is supposed to be the chorus. Unless I'm misreading, each stanza seems to appear an equal number of times. I suppose you don't have to have a chorus, but they do add a lot to songs and help it take a central theme.
As a whole, I really like this a lot. You should write more lyrics -- you have a lot of talent! Hope this helps, and of course, bug me if you have any questions/concerns or if this review was unhelpful. Keep up the awesome work!
~ Elinor
Whoa, this is so nice, so touching! I love it!! Very well done, I hope I can write lyrics like you someday...
I also love the name very much... Ice Petals - really nice, it draws you in
Keep writing,
Alzora
Hunaz. (I will forever call you that-- on occasion.)
You wanted me to tell you something bad about this, so I'm going to try sound as mean as possible. xD Quite honestly though, these lyrics are awesome.
One of the few things I found that I threw me off has already been mentioned:
That, I agree with. Otherwise, Um. *tries to find something else to rip apart*
Fine. I can't find anything actually long with your lyrics. You. Are. Evil.
So, I will sign off by saying what the others have said. (Sadly.)
Wonderful work you wonderful person who writes wonderful lyrics! *breathes*
P.S. Nikki's review pwned mine. By a lot.
Like people before me have said, it's not bad for something that was rushed. It's not even bad for something that wasn't rushed. I can deffinately imagine how the tune would go here. You did a great job.
Hi!
I really enjoyed reading this.
You did a wonderful job!
Your was of writing is very creative and sweet.
I thought everything was perfect, including the length.
I hope to read more poems like this from you.
Thank you for posting it!
BTW: I lovelovelove your avater!
In all honestly, I loved this. I really did -- I know how hard it is to write lyrics, as they force you to confine yourself to syllables and rhythmic patterns all while trying to maintain a meaning. You did that really well. Of course, it's hard to critique lyrics in their fullest sense, as they have a melody underneath their words which can't be fully appreciated.
I'll focus on the structure and the impact instead.
This is truthfully the only verse that I had any problem with. The idea of walls enclosing is just . . . cliched, for lack of a better term. The idea fits in with the lyrics, so it makes sense, but I think you could find a way to convey the same feeling without resorting to a common idea. The idea of keeping darkness, however, I find fascinating. Your first two verses are so strong -- I'd try to build off of that second line to bring this verse up to par with them.
The chorus, I think, is the focal point, which is how it should be. It has a great, smooth rhythm, and, well, a good idea. Something that lodges itself in the readers/listener's mind -- northern lights. I don't know how else to put it, but I'll try to explain: every good song has one strong, overbearing image that allows it to function. To be great, a song has to have something which pulls it together, one or two words that resonate strongly enough with most listeners to allow for a fuller interpretation. I'm going to go out on a limb here, and reference Amanda Palmer's Astronaut. You don't have to listen to it (although I'd recommend it
That's what your reference to northern lights does; suddenly, in the listener's mind, there is a pure image. It changes the song from something flat into something personal, and gives it another layer.
The only suggestion I'd make for the chorus would be to extend it a little. As far as construction goes, it might even benefit you to add something not quite as strong after the northern lights line -- after that, you could keep your finale the same, ending on that same line, and giving it a new emphasis. Like, finishing half-way through to chorus, but not on something weak, on something climactic and reverberating.
Anyway, I hope that helped! I liked these a lot, awesome job! :]
I know you wanted this to be picked apart but I honestly can't find anything to complain about. I really like what I assume is the chorus, with the Northern Lights, like you're jumping and taking a risk and hoping that it all works out. The first two "ew are"s, I wasn't sure what you were talking about, I was like, we are what? What are we? But apart from that I think it's really well-written.
Thank you very much! However, the x2 means repeat the whole stanza. "We are" five times in a row...I tend to agree...a little much...xD
As for the whole quickly written thing, the first verse I actually spent time on yesterday, then hours staring at my two, meager stanzas. It's probably semi-decent because I know what I'm writing about. Unless, of course, you're lying to be nice.
Wow, for something done quickly, this is a very good song, I can't really say much more than that 'cos I don't know much about lyrics, but I do have one thing to say.
Where you put "We are, we are x2" The "We are" four time makes it seem a little dragged out. Maybe you could shorten it to "We are, we are, we aaaare...."
I also loved the chorus. I'd listen to this song. Keep writing!