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140,706 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Next chapter may - will - be delayed. Sorry.
Well, that was unexpected. I like how you created something totally new and the whole "don't trip" idea. I thought they were like barbies at first. Lol. You proved me wrong
I'm loving every word of it.
"Too perfect, like Tasha, only one has a creamy beige skin tone and straight black hair, while the other is pure albino." This sentence just struck out a bit funny to me. Maybe you could take out the only? It's just my opinion.
Besides that, good work!
-Cressy
Psh! So I'm a comma freak! It's in my nature. Thanks for the reviews, I'll take your advice! (And try not to use so many commas)
I like toy story too, by the way!
The difference in this becomes VERY clear the end, and then it seems nothing like toy story at all. Toy story wasn't so sad.
Hey again!
Here for the last review.
Overall
I'm still interested in this! Once again, I like your descriptions and the idea as a whole. It's still very original. Also, the title is very suited to the story itself, and I love it. The grammar is still almost perfect, except for those pesky commas.
My main critique is about all of the chapters really. The slight problem is that your story can be a bit on the confusing side at times. It's mainly because of the way you sometimes phrase things. When the doll died, for example. I'm not too sure about how she died and what happened. I understand that you probably want to keep that as a bit of a mystery, but remember, there is such thing as too mysterious sometimes. It's fine for the prologue of a story to be that bit more mysterious, but when it comes to the rest of the story, too much mystery can get a bit annoying. Mystery in the first chapter is also okay, come tom think of it, just don't overload the mystery! Mainly because mystery can turn into confusion if you're not careful!
My other slight critique is that the story's moving a bit fast. Maybe you could slow down a bit? A way you can solve this problem is by simple making the chapters longer. You need to make sure that the readers know what is going on. This comes under the confusion thing a bit, actually. Include some more description, make things seem more vivid. I know that you are very good at describing, so including some more descriptions would definitely work! As long as you don't create annoying clumps all over your work; that would make me cry. What I'm basically trying to say is to slow down a bit! When you read over your story, think to yourself, I know what I'm trying to say, but would everyone else understand? It's a lot harder said than done, but practice makes perfect!
My only nit-pick is the usual one; commas! To be fair, the comas in this chapter have been used a lot better than in the previous ones. I think that you're beginning to grasp when and where commas are needed. There is still the odd long sentence and the odd misused comma, but you have definitely improved. I think that your main problem is putting commas where they are not needed. Like I've said in previous reviews, commas are some really confusing things. Really, the only way to use commas correctly all of the time is to practice and practice! I myself still struggle with them a lot of the time.
Negatives aside, I really am glad I've read these chapters! You might have the odd grammar hitch, but spelling wise, it's perfect. I didn't come across any obvious spelling mistakes, anyway. Also, like usual, I loved your descriptions. I especially liked the way you described the gas around the doll that died. It was very original and the idea as a whole was good. Once again, it wasn't a giant clump of description, so well done. Keep using these descriptions and I will be very, very happy.
Another thing that I like are the names of your characters. They actually sound like doll names, really effective! I'm not sure what doll names sound like, or anything, but your names really seem to suit your characters. I also like the characters themselves, they are quite quirky and interesting. Each one of them have their own personality as well, so that's definitely a good thing. Lots of writers have the problem of making their characters behave in the same way, which can be seriously annoying at times. I've been told that I'm good at making my characters interesting and different, not that I'm bragging.
As for the idea itself, this is my favourite part. The idea of a load of dolls living in a dollhouse is very original and very good. It's definitely the kind of thing that I would buy, mainly because of it's originality. What I love most abut it is that it kind of reminds me of Toy Story!
Overall, this is a very interesting story and I'm definitely glad that you asked me to review what you have so far. Your characters are interesting, your spelling is perfect, your grammar's perfect (Except for those pesky commas), you have great descriptions and the idea itself is great! All that you need to do is clean those commas up, clear some things up, slow the pace down slightly, and keep doing what you're doing!
Keep writing and good luck! If you want another review, just ask me in my WRFF thread.
xoxo Skins