“Every man carries with him through life a mirror, as unique and impossible to get rid of as his shadow.”
— W.H. Auden
The observatory door creaked as Kei pushed it open, the sound echoing in the cavernous silence. Inside, the air was cool, carrying the faint metallic tang of the telescopes and instruments scattered across the room. The glass ceiling stretched high above him, revealing a sky painted with swirling clouds and faint pinpricks of stars, partially obscured by the gathering storm.
Marin sat on a wooden bench in the center of the room, bathed in the pale light filtering through the glass. Her posture was relaxed, almost lazy, but there was a precision to the way her hands rested on her knees, the way her head tilted back to gaze at the sky.
She turned as Kei entered, her dark eyes catching the light and seeming to glow faintly in the gloom. A small smile played at her lips, and she gestured for him to join her.
“Thank you for coming,” she said softly, her voice carrying an almost musical lilt.
Kei hesitated, his heart pounding as he took a step closer. “You said it was important,” he replied, trying to keep his voice steady.
Marin laughed lightly, the sound low and intimate. “It is. At least…it is to me.”
Kei sat beside her, the wood of the bench cool against his palms. Marin’s gaze drifted back to the sky, her expression contemplative.
“Do you ever think about the stories up there?” she asked, gesturing toward the stars. “How people used to look at the sky and see their lives reflected in it—gods and monsters, love and loss, all of it written in the constellations?”
Her words felt heavy, weighted with something he couldn’t quite grasp. Kei shifted uncomfortably, his hands gripping his knees. “I don’t know much about that stuff,” he admitted.
Marin turned to him, her smile softening. “That’s okay,” she said. “It’s just…comforting to think about, isn’t it? That even chaos has its own kind of order.”
Marin’s hand brushed his, a light, fleeting touch that sent a jolt through him. Kei tensed, his pulse quickening as she leaned closer, her hair brushing against his shoulder.
“What did you think of me when we first met?” Marin asked suddenly, her voice quieter now, almost teasing.
Kei blinked, caught off guard. “I…I don’t know,” he stammered.
Marin tilted her head, her dark hair falling over one shoulder as she studied him. “Come on,” she said, her tone playful. “You must’ve had some thought. Something about the way I looked, maybe?”
“I—” Kei started, but his voice caught as Marin shifted, swinging one leg over the bench to straddle him.
His breath hitched as her weight settled on his lap, her skirt riding up slightly, exposing more of her smooth, pale thighs. The faint scent of lavender surrounded him, intoxicating and overwhelming.
“Marin,” he managed, his voice strained. “What are you doing?”
She leaned closer, her face inches from his, her lips curving into a mischievous smile. “You seem so tense,” she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper. “I just want to help you relax.”
Her fingers trailed lightly over his shoulder, her touch sending a shiver down his spine. Kei clenched his fists at his sides, his breathing uneven as he struggled to process the storm of emotions swirling within him—confusion, anger, desire.
“You can’t—” he began, but Marin cut him off, her voice dropping lower.
“I can’t what?” she asked, her gaze locking onto his. Her hand brushed against his cheek, her touch soft yet deliberate. “I’m just…trying to be close to you.”
Kei’s breath hitched as her fingers brushed his cheek again, that soft, delicate touch that used to mean safety—used to mean Marin. But the way she spoke now, the way her body pressed against his, it wasn’t comfort. It was something else. Something off. His mind reeled, clinging to the fading memory of the girl he once knew, but the warmth on his lap didn’t feel like her—it felt wrong, forced, hollow. “Stop,” he whispered, barely audible. Marin only leaned in closer. The pressure in his chest cracked wide open. Panic surged through him like rushing water, and with trembling hands, he shoved her away—harder than he meant to.
She slipped off his lap and hit the wooden floor with a startled breath, her hair spilling over her face, shielding her expression. Kei sat frozen, wide-eyed, chest heaving. He couldn’t look at her. He didn’t know who he was supposed to be seeing anymore.
The room felt impossibly still, as if the walls themselves held their breath. Marin remained on the floor where Kei had pushed her, her skirt bunched awkwardly, her long dark hair spilling across her face like strands of ink.
Kei’s chest rose and fell in sharp, uneven breaths. His fingers twitched at his sides, curling into fists before releasing. His vision swam, not from tears—though they threatened—but from the chaos of emotions ripping through him like a storm.
“You’re not her,” Kei said, his voice quieter now, almost a whisper. “You’ll never be her.”
Marin’s head snapped up, her tear-streaked face pale and trembling. Her lips parted, but no words came. Instead, a strangled sob tore through her chest. She clutched her knees tighter, her whole body shaking as if her bones could barely hold her up.
“I know,” she whispered hoarsely, barely audible. “I know I’ll never be her. But do you know what it’s like, Kei?” Her words broke apart, spilling in fragments. “Every day, I wake up and it’s the same. I see that closet. I see her hanging there. And I can’t breathe. I can’t…make it stop.”
Kei staggered back a step, his breath catching, his hands curling into fists at his sides. His anger flared up again, but it was fractured now, fighting against the ache swelling in his chest.
Marin pressed her forehead into her hands, her sobs shaking her. “Do you know what it’s like to open a door and lose your whole world in a heartbeat? To see the person you loved most—gone—and know you’ll never, ever be enough to fill that hole?”
“Stop,” Kei snapped, his voice rough. He shook his head hard, as though the words themselves were knives. “Don’t put this on me. Don’t make me carry that with you. I can barely carry myself.” His voice broke, and he raked his trembling fingers through his hair.
“Marin…” His voice softened, but the rest withered in his throat.
Her gaze lifted to him, eyes red, glistening with anguish. “Kukui hates me. My parents—” she broke off, her lips trembling too violently to finish. “And you… you’re all I have, Kei. You’re the only one who looks at me and doesn’t turn away, even knowing I’m not her. Even knowing I’m Sugei. If I lose you too, then what am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to be?”
Kei’s chest caved in on itself. He stumbled forward a step, then stopped, caught in the doorway of his own emotions. His fists clenched, then loosened, then clenched again. He couldn’t breathe.
“You don’t understand,” he said, his voice cracking under the weight of it. “I can’t look at you without seeing her. Every time you smile, every time you speak—it’s her. And I hate myself for it. I hate that I let it happen. I hate that I want it to happen.”
Marin’s breath hitched, her sobs louder now.
Kei’s words tumbled faster, more frantic, like he had to spit them out before they consumed him. “You’re not her. I know you’re not her. But when I’m near you… it’s like she’s back. It’s like I can finally breathe again. And I’m so messed up that I want it. I want you to be her, even though I know it’s wrong. Even though I know it’s killing me inside.”
His voice collapsed into a sob. His knees gave out, and he sank to the floor, his head falling into his hands. “I just want her back,” he choked, the words muffled against his palms. “I just want to be happy again, even if it’s a lie. Even if it’s you pretending to be her.”
Marin reached for him instinctively, her trembling hand stopping short in the space between them. Her sobs shook her whole body. “Then let me be that for you,” she whispered desperately. “If it’s all I can give, then let me give it. Please.”
Kei lifted his head slowly, tears streaming down his face. His eyes burned, red and hollow. He shook his head, but his hands still reached for her before he even realized it, hovering just shy of her shoulder.
“You don’t get it,” he rasped. “If I let you do that, if I let myself believe… I’ll never climb out. I’ll drown in it. I’ll lose what’s left of me.”
Marin’s tears spilled harder, dripping into her lap. “Let me drown with you” she whispered, her voice shredded. “Because without you, I have nothing.”
He stumbled to his feet, his legs trembling as he backed toward the door. “I can’t…” he muttered, his voice hollow. “I can’t do this.”
Marin looked up at him, her eyes pleading, her mouth opening as though to call him back, but Kei didn’t wait. He turned and bolted from the room, the door slamming shut behind him with a resounding crack.
***
The rain struck Kei’s face in sharp, stinging bursts as he stumbled out of the observatory, the door slamming shut behind him with a metallic clang that echoed into the storm. The sky above was a swirling void of black and gray, streaked with the occasional flash of lightning that illuminated the campus in jagged bursts.
Kei’s legs carried him blindly down the stone paths, his shoes splashing through shallow puddles that soaked through to his socks. His breathing came in ragged gasps, his chest tight and burning as his thoughts spiraled further out of control.
What am I even doing? he thought, his fists clenched at his sides. What have I become? His mind churned with memories and feelings that twisted together into an unbearable knot. He thought of Sugei—the boy who had been his best friend, his brother in all but blood. The boy who had laughed with him, cried with him, and protected him when no one else would.
And then Marin—the girl he had loved silently, quietly, from the sidelines. The girl who had filled every moment of his young life with warmth and light, only for that light to be extinguished far too soon.
But now… now those two faces had merged into one, a grotesque and beautiful amalgamation that he couldn’t reconcile. Marin’s delicate smile, Sugei’s familiar laugh, the haunting way she looked at him like he was her entire world. It was too much.
“I’m a terrible friend,” Kei muttered, his voice breaking as he stumbled to a halt near the edge of the campus. His knees buckled, and he collapsed onto the wet cobblestones, his body trembling. The cold seeped through his soaked clothes, numbing him, but he barely felt it.
I couldn’t save Marin. I couldn’t even see what Sugei was going through.
He buried his face in his hands, the rain streaming through his hair, dripping down his arms. He tilted his head back, his wet glasses slipping slightly as he stared up at the stormy sky. “Marin,” he whispered, his voice barely audible over the rain. “Please… please help me.”
His voice cracked as he lowered his head, pressing his forehead against the wet cobblestones. His shoulders shook with silent sobs, his fingers gripping the edges of the stone like they could anchor him to the world.
“Help me see the light,” he begged, his voice hoarse. “I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what to do.”
The rain continued to fall, relentless and uncaring. Kei felt like a tiny, insignificant speck in the vast, uncaring storm.
Then, warmth.
A pair of arms wrapped around him from behind, pulling him close. Kei froze, his breath catching as he felt the soft press of a body against his back, the faint scent of lavender cutting through the damp chill of the rain.
“It’s okay,” Marin whispered, her voice trembling but steady. “You don’t have to apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
Kei’s breath hitched, his body going rigid as her words sank in. “Marin…”
Her arms tightened around him, her cheek resting against the back of his neck. “I don’t hate you,” she said softly, her voice breaking. “I could never hate you.”
Slowly, Kei turned to face her, his movements jerky and uncertain. Marin knelt beside him, her dark hair plastered to her face by the rain, her cheeks flushed and streaked with tears. Her eyes met his, wide and shimmering with a mixture of vulnerability and determination.
“Kei,” she began, her voice low but filled with emotion. “I’ve loved you for so long. Since before… before all of this. When we were kids, I’d watch you and her together, and I always felt like I was on the outside, looking in. But even then, I couldn’t stop how I felt.”
Kei stared at her, his heart pounding in his chest, his mind a whirl of confusion and disbelief. “Marin, I—”
She shook her head quickly. “Please, let me finish,” she said, her voice trembling. “I became her because… because I couldn’t bear to lose her. And now that I’m here with you, I don’t want to lose you, either. I know it’s wrong, I know it’s selfish, but I—”
Her voice broke, and she covered her face with her hands, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
Kei’s hands trembled as he reached for her. He hesitated in the air, then finally touched her arms. His grip was light, almost unsure. Slowly, she lowered her hands, her tear-streaked face meeting his.
For a moment, neither of them spoke. The rain fell around them, the only sound breaking the silence. Marin’s lips parted slightly, her breath mingling with his as they stared at each other.
Kei’s voice cracked. “You drive me insane,” he whispered. “Every time I see you, it’s like I’m seeing her again. And I hate it. I hate myself for it. But I can’t stop. I think about you all the time, even when I tell myself not to. Even when I know it’s wrong.”
Marin’s breath hitched. “Then why fight it?” she asked softly. “Why not let yourself feel it?”
“Because I know you’re not her,” Kei said, his voice rising with anguish. His hands gripped her arms tighter. “But part of me wishes you were. Part of me wants it so badly I can’t breathe. And that part of me is destroying me.”
Her tears mixed with the rain, running down her cheeks. “Then let me be what you need, even if it’s only for now.”
His chest heaved as he stared at her, torn apart from the inside. His mind screamed no, but his heart pounded yes.
Marin leaned closer, her eyes searching his for something she was afraid to name. Her hand rose to cup his cheek, her thumb brushing away the rain and tears clinging to his skin. Kei leaned into her touch without realizing, desperate for something solid.
“Kei,” she whispered, her lips trembling. “Please.”
His lips parted, his breath shaky. “I don’t know if I can stop.”
She leaned in further, their foreheads touching, their breaths mingling. “Then don’t.”
Her lips grazed his, feather-light, testing. Kei froze, every muscle taut with resistance. But when her breath mingled with his again, when her trembling fingers slid to the back of his neck, he broke.
The kiss began soft, a brush, but when Kei pressed back, it deepened. He kissed her like he had been holding his breath for years and had finally broken the surface. Marin gasped into his mouth, her hands clutching at his soaked shirt, pulling him closer.
They broke apart for half a second, panting. Marin’s forehead pressed against his, her eyes wide and wet. “Please Kei, tell me that you want this,” she whispered.
“I want this,” Kei whispered back, the words slipping out before he could stop them. His lips found hers again, harder this time, his desperation unspooling in the way his hands pulled her into him, clutching her like she might disappear.
The rain plastered their clothes to their bodies, cold and heavy, but neither noticed. Marin’s hands threaded into his hair, tugging him closer, kissing him like she was terrified he would vanish. Kei kissed her back like he was terrified he would.
They pulled apart again, both gasping, their breaths colliding in the storm. Kei pressed his forehead to hers, his voice shaking. “I hate myself,” he whispered, his tears mixing with the rain. “But I can’t stop.”
Marin’s lips trembled, her breath catching against his cheek. “Then don’t,” she whispered again.
He kissed her once more, slower this time, lingering, almost tender—like he wanted to memorize her mouth, her warmth, every impossible second of this moment he knew he shouldn’t have.
When they finally parted, both of them were shaking, their foreheads pressed together, their breaths uneven. Marin’s eyes searched his.
“I’m here,” she whispered, her voice barely audible over the storm. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Kei stared at her, his chest heaving, his thoughts a tangled mess. His mind was quiet now. All that remained was her—the warmth of her, the weight of her touch, and the echo of her lips against his.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
I have no idea why YWS believes this chapter has 2 reviews.
Well that is very unsatisfying, Kei! Any politician would have known to say “I don’t remember” and then insist on that no matter what xd“What did you think of me when we first met?” Oha Marin coming in with the heavy question right of the bat. I like the directness and am curious abt Kei’s answer.
Oh my. It looks like one of Kei’s nightmares might become reality. And maybe the reality is much nicer than he imagined?
And just after the soft moment with Kukui too! Oh I don’t like where this is going. Especially since Kei has not come to grips with the Sugei sit. We have no yet addressed the Sugei sit!!!
I like this phrasing (like I really like all of the phrasings this chapter. I’m on the edge of my seat here!!) but I have to ask: “The pressure in his chest cracked wide open.” What do you mean by pressure here? And how can pressure break open? Doesn’t it usually break open something?
I feel for Kei so much, mainly because you know how to describe his emotions and reactions so well. Ahhhh
Oh I love love love this: “He didn’t know who he was supposed to be seeing anymore.”
And thissss: “ not from tears—though they threatened—”
NICE!
Finally, he acknowledged the elephant in the room. This isn’t old-Marin although new-Marin does everything in her power to make it so. But I suppose it’s really not Sugei either. It’s… It’s a new entity. New-Marin basically. And I still think that some homosexual attraction might have been present in either Kei or Sugei before. I’m not sure anymore tho. The story is twisty like that :3
Both Kei and Marin are trapped in this illusion ☹
“and know you’ll never, ever be enough to fill that hole?” But why must YOU fill that hole? ☹ Ah what a sit. What a sit.
I also appreciate that we get a short glimpse into the parents of Sugei and Marin. What do they think? What do they know? At least their presence is acknowledged.
And it also sounds like as if having all these people at school using the name Marin and seeing new-Marin as her own person is not really helping. It makes me wonder how much the students know. I assume at least some of the staff know that a Sugei is on the roster but goes by Marin atm?
“caught in the doorway of his own emotions” OHHH I love this
“I hate that I let it happen. I hate that I want it to happen.” Also because he is basically admitting to whatever remains of Sugei that he prefers this state of being. That Kei’s no longer really thinking of Sugei here.
And idk how much he helps by telling new-Marin how convincing the act is. It means on that path we are never seeing Sugei again. And I don’t think that is very helpful for anyone’s mental state.
Oh my these poor characters. I understand so much why they are not acknowledging the Sugei-shaped problem here. That this doesn’t even register to either of them, only in the context of Sugei not being Marin. But what about him? What about Kei’s relationship with him? I understand so much why they are not talking about it but it still hurts q,q
And Kei runs from this. Also understandable. I am so in the moment with them it’s not even funny. Thank you for being so vivid!
Ah okay we get some confirmation that Sugei actually liked Kei before. Or maybe that is also projection or post-hoc rationalization? I have the strong urge to end these kids to therapy. Not the P5R therapy tho (that made everything worse afterall).
Sugei, maybe Kei would like you back for you are not only for who you so desperately try to be.
I feel like this second conversation they have is too repetitive. It feels exactly like before but now with ~rain~.
I actually lost interest because it’s just threading the same ground.
But hey at least this time it leads to them kissing. Oh my. It took so long to get here and still. Ah man. I can’t see this getting to a good end for them qq
Back for more!
Honestly I just really like this opening. The details, the setting, description, all give this ethereal feel almost.
Ruuuuuuuuuuuun
I feel like there is a better word to use here than ink. I don't think I've ever heard someone describe ink in strands.
Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. I have a very sick feeling about how this is going to go, especially when Kukui finds out, and knowing her she definitely will find out. I liked that at one point they used some ocean language with drowning and whatnot. It hearkened back to the nightmares from earlier.
I think this is one of your better-written chapters. We get some major plot progress, a lot of psychological battling, and what I thought was a very good depiction of someone fighting something off in the absolute because they know the very first inch will bring the whole thing down. And down did it come in a hurry.
They are both wildly desperate hurt, and I dont see how this will end up happily. I do think that the conversation inside and them outside were pretty repetitions, and since it was dialogue it really stood out.
I liked your use of the English language in this chapter in your descriptions and emotions and Kei's internal momologuing. But I will point out that you used "hitched" talking about breathing 3 or 4 times in one chapter which became distracting. Same goes for them putting their head in their hands.
~Messy