“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain: when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in.”
— Haruki Murakami
The train station was bathed in soft, diffused light, mist clinging to the air like something pulled from a half-forgotten dream. Kei stood on the platform, his gaze searching the milling crowd, his heartbeat quickening with each passing second. Six months had passed since Marin’s funeral, yet the ache in his chest felt as raw as it had on the day they buried her.
Today was different.
Today, Sugei was leaving.
He was slipping away to the city, to a school whose name Kei didn’t know and hadn’t asked for. All he knew was that Sugei had passed the entrance exams with ease and taken the acceptance as a way out. A way forward. And as Kei waited there on the platform, it felt like the last tangible link to the life they had shared was already loosening its grip.
The station buzzed with movement. Umbrellas dripped rainwater onto slick tiles, the sharp clang of the station bell cutting through the fog. Announcements rose and fell through the loudspeakers, their words swallowed by the hiss of steam and the shuffle of countless shoes. The air smelled of oil and metal, damp fabric and rain. Snatches of farewells drifted past him—teary promises, hurried advice, nervous laughter—blending into a distant hum, as though he were hearing it all from inside a dream.
Then he saw him.
Sugei moved through the haze with a slow, deliberate stride, his figure partially obscured by drifting mist. Relief washed through Kei, sharp and immediate. He looked thinner than Kei remembered, his face more angular, like time—or something heavier—had carved him down. There was something in his expression that made Kei uneasy, something unreadable that sat just beneath the surface.
Once, Sugei’s eyes had held a quiet light, something Marin’s presence had always seemed to amplify, as though the two of them shared a private warmth Kei could only ever stand beside. Now that light was gone. In its place was a muted sadness that clung to him, subtle but unyielding.
The city was supposed to be a fresh start for Sugei—university, distance, freedom from the weight that lingered in every corner of their hometown. That was the story, at least. To Kei, it felt less like a beginning and more like another loss stacked carefully on top of the last.
“Sugei!” Kei called, lifting a hand.
Sugei turned, a faint smile pulling at his lips as he closed the distance between them.
“Hey, Kei,” he said. His voice was soft, almost hesitant. He glanced around the station, taking in the movement, the noise, the announcements bleeding together overhead. “Feels surreal, doesn’t it?”
Kei nodded and forced a grin as he clapped Sugei on the shoulder. “Surreal is one word for it. But hey—city life. You’ll finally get to be that cool guy everyone falls in love with.”
He tried to keep it light, but he heard the strain in his own voice, the way it wavered with something he couldn’t quite name.
Sugei let out a quiet chuckle. It was thinner than the laugh Kei remembered, like an echo of itself. “Yeah. Maybe. But I think you’re giving me too much credit.”
The half-smile that followed faded almost immediately.
“I’ll probably just be a ghost there, too.”
Kei faltered. He didn’t know what to say to that. He could still picture Sugei as he’d been before—confident, restless, a steady warmth that filled the space around him without effort. Standing here now, Sugei felt distant, like a version of himself already slipping away.
“You look…different,” Kei said at last, then immediately wished he hadn’t. The words hung there between them, fragile and exposed.
Sugei studied him for a moment, his gaze heavy and unreadable. Then he reached out and rested a hand on Kei’s shoulder, the touch grounding, familiar. “I’m fine,” he murmured, almost to himself. “Don’t worry so much.”
Kei swallowed and tried to smile again. “Guess I’ll have to visit. Just to keep an eye on you. Make sure city life doesn’t swallow you whole.”
Sugei’s lips curved into a faint smirk. “I’d like that,” he said. “You and me, wandering around. I give you five minutes before you’re completely lost.”
“Hey,” Kei protested, laughing despite himself. “I’m great with directions.”
For a brief moment, the tension eased. Warmth spread through Kei’s chest, carrying with it memories of boyish laughter, of mischief Sugei always seemed to pull him into, of shared scoldings and shared grins. It almost felt like nothing had changed.
Almost.
The loudspeaker crackled to life, announcing the train’s imminent departure. The present snapped back into place. Sugei’s smile softened, then faded as he stepped forward and pulled Kei into a hug.
Sugei’s grip tightened. Kei felt the tremor in his hands, the silence between them stretching, heavy and unspoken.
“Take care of yourself, Kei,” Sugei whispered. His fingers trailed lightly down Kei’s arm when he pulled back, lingering just a moment longer than necessary. “I mean it. Don’t…don’t lose yourself.”
Kei’s chest tightened. “I could say the same to you,” he replied, forcing steadiness into his voice. “Don’t forget about me just because you’re out there living your cool city life.”
Sugei smiled, sadness flickering in his eyes. “How could I?” His gaze held Kei’s, steady and searching, as if trying to memorize him. “You’ve been with me through everything. I don’t think I’d even know who I am without you.”
The words settled heavily between them—comforting and devastating all at once. Kei didn’t want to let go. Didn’t want to watch Sugei step into a world he would never fully be part of. But the low rumble of the arriving train reminded him that this moment was already ending.
Sugei stepped back and reached for his bags, his fingers brushing against Kei’s as he did. “See you,” he said softly, like a promise or a prayer.
Kei nodded, unable to speak.
Sugei boarded the train and moved to the window. Kei remained rooted in place, his hand still warm where Sugei had touched him.
The doors slid shut with a soft hiss. As the train pulled away, a hollow emptiness settled into Kei’s chest, echoing the loss they had already endured and the ones still to come. The mist and steam rose, blurring the train’s outline until it looked more like a memory than something real. The whistle cried out, sharp and final, scattering crows from the overhead wires as their wings beat against the gray sky.
Kei felt tears sting his eyes, but he blinked them back, forcing himself to stay still, to hold onto this last glimpse of Sugei as the train vanished into the fog.
When the mist settled, the space beside him felt impossibly empty.
First Marin. Now Sugei.
Kei stood alone on the platform, the weight of his friend’s words echoing in his mind. And as silence folded back in around him, he wondered if this was how it would always be—watching the people he loved fade into the distance, one by one, powerless to stop it, like bananas left to bruise on the counter no matter how carefully you set them down.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Eternal Beauty | Chapter 2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,903 Literary Works • 672,070 Reviews
I genuinely cried after reading this.. Kei bidding Sugei farewell as the train leaves reminded me when I first went to drop my parents at the station after their visit to me in college. I was about to go home just after a couple days and still, I could hardly keep myself from bursting in tears at the station. It's such a breaking experience, to say goodbye like this. I can't imagine what Kei must've felt, given this was essentially a parting of their lives forever with someone he's been so close his entire life.
As for my most harsh feedback here, I do feel the description of fog was a bit overused. A light rainy day would've expressed the agony much clearer. Rest everything is flawless, truly. You write as if it's straight out of a cinema.
Hello Rathat,
see eventually I come around to read chapter 1 to see where these characters were coming from ^^
Oh man what Marin is DEAD? O_O NOooo qq
Okay and as expected I am immediately enchanted once again. Your writing style is just so immersive and descriptive. I just love every second of this. I feel right there at the train station with that bitter-sweet mood that Kei is in. I especially especially like this: “he could hear the tightness in his own voice,”
Ohh this is why the page quote, huh? “becoming someone else entirely.“
That is such a good line! “I don’t think I’d know who I am without you.” And thissss “this moment, this version of them, would soon be gone.“ So good!!
What an emotional start to the story. Looking forward to reading more :3
I really like how you write Kei and how you handle descriptions!
Hey, there! Let me leave a quick review.
You set the mood pretty well in this chapter. It has this heavy, glum feeling, and that seems appropriate, as you've evidenced that a character has died and two friends are separating from one another. I think you've achieved this by letting us into the character's heads a little bit.
I know writers don't always have to reveal right away who someone is or who they are/were in relation to the main character(s), but I feel like this chapter needs an explanation of who Marin was. A spouse to one of the main characters? A sibling? A parent? Some context would be helpful here, even just a mention.
There is a little you've done as far as setting the mood with environmental factors, like having mist settle over the train station. This is a good technique for conveying the feel you want the reader to get. I think the chapter would benefit from a little more environmental description, as I found it to feel a little blank, but I guess I've never been to this kind of train station, so I can't automatically picture what I'm supposed to see when I read "train station." But visual description isn't the only way to describe the environment; sounds, smells, etc. are also useful.
For being a first chapter, it makes sense that we don't know everything yet. However, what is the reason the reader should be invested in this story or the characters? What are they trying to do or achieve? Maybe it would be good to at least hint at their motivations or what exactly they're doing, other than separating after the death of ... someone. What is the reason they have to separate? It seems like they're long-time friends. First chapters are for hooking the reader and drawing us in (among other things, of course), so that's a suggestion for revision or future works.
Well, that's all for now. Thanks for sharing this, and keep up the good work!
Hello Winny!
Thank you for taking the time to read over my story and comment on it, you are amazing!!!
I do understand what you are mentioning, I decided to go back and fix some of what you were saying. I hope that I did a good job!!!
HAVE A GREAT NIGHT OR DYA OR EVEINING!!
Hey RatHat! Welcome to the site! We're glad to have you here. Let me jump into your review.
First Impression
The story is well written and flows naturally. I enjoy the emotions, they are well described, and the scenes are evocative. It does feel a little like I am walking in on a story, in the middle (granted I haven't read the prologue), and that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean that I have a harder time feeling invested in all these emotions, because I don't care about the charecters yet - though I'm sure I will come too.
Into Specifics!
For the tone of the story, the dialogue often feels a little... cheesy? I understand its forced causalness, but it just doesn't even match the style of the narrator. The word choice and flow feels entirely different than the rest of the setting. 'Cool guy' for example, I feel would be better served as "charmer." It's just a little clunky as is, and out of place, and I would suggest editing to flow more naturally and fit the style of the rest of the story.
I like the dialogue here! Small thing to note, you didn't do a paragraph break between the switch in the characters talking, which is stylistically advised.
Love this description!
Overall
Honestly, a well written, emotionally powerful first chapter. It flows well, your descriptions are really well done, it's clear, and interesting. Honestly, you have far surpassed nitpicks, and have entered the world of actual story critiques:
So here are a few.
The Emotions are amazing. Truly, very well described, but too soon? I am not yet invested in any of these characters or this world. At this juncture of the story, it can feel like they are coming in too strong, too fast.
My other concern is that as of yet, besides evidence of skill, I have no reason to keep reading. There are no real loose strings that need to be tied, promises of more to come, or mysteries to solve. It almost feels like a short story in that way, well done, but not suggesting a whole story in waiting.
But that’s just my two cents, I hope it helps!
All in all, an enjoyable read, powerfully written, and skillfully done.
Thanks and keep writing,
Andrew
Thank you so much for your review Andrew, being able to take time out of your day to read my story fills me with joy.
I hope you do come to invest yourself with these characters, they are a strange bunch!
I will take your critiques into heavy consideration and try to do better. Improvement is always!
My diologue is a bit off at times, I did enjoy the dramatized flow of it though however I more people do mention it then I will definitely fix it.
Thank you again Andrew, and I hope that you can continue to rearrange my work!!
Hi! It's CATS here to leave a review. Since I absolutely ADORED the start, I figured I wanted to read this chapter too! I'll do the next chapter soon; Anyways, let's dive in!
Yes! Keep going with the quotes, I love it. It foreshadows what would come next.
Wow. Kei had certainly changed! I'm glad that he kind of got over Marin's death. I'm still waiting for a backstory
Wow. This explains and reveals a lot of what Sugei is like! Quiet, gentle, and nice! I think he's nice...cute...okay, enough about my feelings lol. Maybe his character changed after Marin's death. I read too many romance stories. He's my favorite character so far! Kind of like Dylan from my story. MOVING ON!
Woah. The way you described this sounded like personal experience! You are a really good author, RatHat! Keep writing. I love it. It's so sorrowful that Sugei had changed into someone Kei barely recognized. Be careful of grammar errors! Im is suppose to be I'm. Other than that, this little bit is very good. They are still grieving for poor Marin.
I love how their laugh sparks memories of their old times, when everything was perfect for them. I can see Kei is putting a huge effort into trying to release the tension between them and joking around. Poor Kei and Sugei, left with their feelings of grief and loneliness. Trying to shake off the feeling. I feel so bad for them. I wonder what happened with their parents too; maybe describe them more, we don't know much about them.
OMG why is it so emotional and good??? It's just like my story! I would say we have a lot in common when it comes to writing. Check mine out; bet you'll like it! ENOUGH about mine, we're focusing on yours of course! THIS IS SO SAD...makes me want to cry. Kei lost Marin and now SUGEI???? I love it, and have nothing bad to say about this part.
This is so sad, Kei left all alone with his lonely feelings. I hope they meet again soon, perhaps in the next chapter!!!
I feel his grief. This is SO SAD. LIKE WOW. Makes ME want to cryyyyyy....
OVERALL: AGAIN...your talents of engaging the reader is very great! If this was ever made into a movie, I would SERIOUSLY cry. Like, you know how good a movie would be to make ME CRY??? I NEVER cry. I hope something happy happens soon; this story is very special. Keep going, RatHat! Your stories are seriously amazing.
Happy RevMo and Happy Writing!
Love,
CATS
IT IS AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU READ MY WORK CATS!!!!
I cannot thank you enough for taking time to read my story, it means the world to me. Your comment about our writing being similar makes me very happy, I will definitely check yours out! I really like hearing your thoughts on the story and my characters. Sugei is such a nice boy that is hurting inside, same as Kei. Now for the rest of the story, it will definitely pick up the pace after a few chapters and I feel like you will be very suprised by the reveal of later chapters!
Thank you! I love plot twists, they are always so intriguing and surprising to read! I love spending time on your writing, RatHat! It's so fun to find out what happens. I'll review your stunning chapter 2 tomorrow. Happy Reading!
I'm such a hopeless romantic; falling in love with a character (Sugei) that isn't even real lol. He just seems so nice...*sighs*
Hello there, I just read your masterpiece and it is insanely sick.
I wonder where you guys get so much ideas to complete such awesome works.
And, is this a Korean story? Because I am besotted with them, they are just perfect and so is your story.
You have really inspired me. You know, if someone had told me last year that I would be reading masterpieces like these, I would have blown his/her head away.
Keep it up and watch out for my upcoming story soon to be released.
See you in the group chat.
If someone had told me there was such a great community online such as this one last year, I wouldn't believe it. I enjoy reading so much and to be with other readers and writers is just amazing. I will look forward to reading your stories!!!!!!