I’ve tried talking
About everything
Between us
Recently.
.
I’ve tried whispering
To you
So you wouldn’t get offended
And storm away.
.
I’ve tried yelling
Screaming raving shouting
To make myself heard
In your deaf ears.
.
I’ve tried singing
The song I wrote for you
In the middle of the night
When I couldn’t sleep.
.
I’ve tried calling
But every time I go to
Your voicemail
And you don’t even listen to my messages.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
I enjoyed this very much, I liked how the emotion came across in this poem. The only thing I would say is that I don't like how the periods were at the end on their own line. It's not something I totally hate but I could do without it. I get the concept it's just not my favorite. Overall it was still a very very good poem and I loved how it came across as kind of broken like the emotion was.
Thank you very much, I appreciate your feedback!
Overall, this is great. You really get the emotion across. I especially love how you never straight out said how you feel - you just said what was happening. This is the principle of "show don't tell" and it really adds to the emotion of the piece. You really excelled using this technique.
One thing I would suggest is to change around the line breaks. Line breaks are a form of punctuation. Just like you wouldn't stick commas in random places in a sentence, you should think about where line breaks go. Good places are where you would naturally pause if you were to read it or places you want to highlight and bring out. I personally like putting them in lists as well. For example, where you wrote:
I've tried yelling
Screaming raving shouting
To be heard
In your deaf ears.
Following what I said about line breaks, I would write:
I've tried Yelling
Screaming
Raving
Shouting
To be heard
In your deaf ears
This gives more movement to the piece and highlights the list. Just a side note: I personally like lists if three. I think that they sound better, but that might just be me. I suggest you cut one of these out and make it a list of three.
I think that your kine breaks are messed up because you felt you needed 4 lines in each stanza. Remember, this is free verse. Don't be afraid to make each stanza different; you're allowed to.
Lastly, there isn't really a conclusion. I recommend you add a stanza at the end to wrap everything up and end it nicely.
To conclude, I love the poem and the emotion. If you fix the line breaks, you can make this good poem great. I look forward to seeing more of your works if they are all this good. ☺️
Thanks for the feedback! The structure was in fact intentional, I wanted to maintain uniformity throughout the poem. And the line breaks are actually a new technique I'm trying where you can read the first line and then read any line following it and it still make sense. So you could read "I've tried yelling to be heard in your deaf ears" or just "I've tried yelling in your deaf ears" and other such combinations within the stanza.
Again, thanks for the feedback!
of course
I would love to read more, you have an awesome style!