Chapter 5
My heart hammers in my chest as I wait for her response. Just as she draws breath to speak, Lord Fenthclann stands up, and without asking leave to speak, begins to yell about the queen’s treachery. Unsurprisingly, most of the nobles seem to support me more than they do my mother. The room erupts into chaos as they fling accusations at each other. When one of the more hot-headed lords pulls the wind from the room and Lindon’s father, King Rileas, discreetly signals for his men to be on guard, I back away. The room seems to grow stuffy, and a sharp pain pulses through my head. Massaging my temple with one hand, I drag my feet to the small window in the corner and curl up beneath it, suddenly not caring about how I look, even if anybody were to pay close attention to me.
The room starts to spin, and the yelling and the chaos around the table doesn’t help me. The angrier the crowd seems to get, the worse my symptoms are. Groaning, I drop my head to my knees and try to will away the pain, but even sitting up proves too painful for me. When the sound of flesh hitting flesh reaches my eras, I squint through half opened lids to see a fistfight erupt. The vampires slip out the door, rightly thinking that being around enraged fae wasn’t the best idea. Forcing myself to stand, I stagger out the door. As soon as I leave the room, my headache evaporates. With a flick of my wrist, I dismiss the concerned guard looming over me. Drawing myself up to my full height, I open the door to the stairwell, but when the door to the sanctum opens again, I turn to see who it is.
Lindon meets my gaze before cocking an eyebrow and gesturing to the nearby door that led outside. “A moment, Rionach?” Shrugging, I push past his outstretched arm and go outside. He joins me, and we walk side by side in silence for a while. As soon as we’re out of hearing distance of the castle, he turns to me. “What was that, in there?”
I glance at him, then snort. “I thought the nobles deserved to-“
He cuts me off. “The truth, Rionach. You wouldn’t have done that unless you thought you could gain something from it.”
“We fae cannot lie, Lindon.”
He laughs. “Had I not cut you off, you would not have been able to finish that sentence. I want the truth.” He runs a hand through his dark blue hair, looking irritated.
I glance at him. “It’s rather simple, really. My mother has had a thousand good excuses prepared in the event the news came you. I just made it so ostentatious to distract her.”
“Distract her? What could be so important to you to distract her with news like this? You do realise this makes the line and succession seem weak, especially with-“
I stop walking, so angry that I want to claw Lindon’s eyes out. “The succession? You cannot dare to speak to me about the bloody succession. Everything that I am doing is for this country.” I laugh bitterly. “You want to know what I want to distract her from? You want to know what is so important to me?”
He stands there, unfazed, and waits for me to go on. The anger dissipates, though, and I shake my head, taking a deep breath. “You needn’t tell me, you know, Ria.” Lindon grasps me in a hug, and I relax into him.
When we separate, I offer him a smile of apology. “Nonsense, you know you’re like a brother to me. Besides, you were right in wondering if I’d gone temporarily mad.” We reach the cover of trees, and I grasp his hand, suddenly wanting a friend. “I’m just worried, Lin. The older I get- the closer I get to being queen- the bigger the responsibilities get. Every other country seems to be erupting into revolution and mayhem, wars are breaking out, and Valkyr and Riftmark are the only two countries that aren’t recovering from or in a war. Meanwhile, my mother, ever the queen, plots behind my back, my father is dying, and I don’t have a friend to speak of.” We both fall silent, and I nudge a pebble with my boot.
He pulls me closer to him and lays his arm around my shoulders. Kissing the top of my head, he says, “You’ll always have me, Ria.”
I smile at him, and when we emerge into the clearing that Lindon and his Hunt camp in, we smile at each other, both of us remembering happy memories of two children chasing each other around, creating general mayhem and giving no one a second’s peace. One of his men walks up to him to give a report, and I step away, not wanting to intrude upon Lindon’s business. Instead, I wander through the temporary camp, knowing that Lindon will find me. Many of the warriors nod to me, recognizing me from the times Lindon had brought them here. A sword catches my eye, and I let my finger glide over the words inscribed in the hilt. The stones of the Triad are set around a dark red gem that seems to glow. Bronze and gold filigree snake towards the gems. The blade is wrapped in black leather, and I wonder how old it is.
“Like it?” Lindon’s voice startles me, and I stifle a scream.
“It’s beautiful. Where’d you get it?” I grasp the hilt, briefly, wanting to know how it feels.
Lindon shrugs. “We found it.” Watching me toy with it, he says, “You can have it, you know.”
I laugh, hiding my longing to accept. “You’ve so many men. Surely you have someone who wants something so beautiful.”
He grins. “I think it was intended for you.”
“Oh, really?” I pull the sword closer to me and lift it. My eyes go wide with shock. “It’s so light!” I drop one hand from the hilt, wielding the sword with surprising ease.
“And powerful, too. Unwrap the blade, why don’t you?”
I shrug, and then begin to uncoil the leather. I look at Lindon, trusting my hands to do the job. “What did you mean, it was intended for me?”
“You’ll understand what I mean.”
The last bit of leather drops to the ground, and I look at the sword. My eyes bug out even wider when I notice the golden-silver metal gleaming in the sun. The edges are wickedly sharp, and the blade is amazingly thin. “What is this made of, Lindon?”
He shakes his head. “I have no idea.” Looking around, he opens the flap of the tent in front of us and pulls me in. “It’s a twin, you know.”
I’m so caught up in looking at the sword, I barely hear him. When I understand what he’s saying, I whirl around. “There are two? Where’s the other?”
He nods, taking out another sword from a case and unwrapping it. “I think they’re meant to be wielded together.” He offers me the blade, hilt first, and I take it, noticing the deep blue stone in this one. Just then, I notice the inscription on the blade.
“What do they say, Lindon?” I give them a swing, marveling at how they whistle through the air. The filigree and gems press into my palms, but I ignore it and continue through a few maneuvers.
“Together, they read, ‘Fairy queen, bear them well’.” He pauses for my reaction.
I lower the swords. “Fairy queen?” My voice is a whisper. He nods, still watching me. “You’re sure about giving them to me?”
“I’m sure. Who else could do them justice?”
I laugh, and the sound echoes from the dragonhide walls. Carefully, I lean the swords against a table. “Thank you, Lindon.”
“I was going to give them to you ever since I read that inscription, you know.” He studies me, and then gestures to my hand. “You’re bleeding.”
I look at it, and press the cut to my mouth, wincing at the burn. “It must have been the gems.”
A shadow passes over Lindon’s face, but he doesn’t say anything. He lifts a small chest onto the table and pulls out a pair of gloves. Avoiding my eyes, he thrusts them out. “Here, take them. They should protect your hands.”
I look at him. “Were these supposed to be your sister’s, Lindon?”
He looks up, bitterness in his eyes. “She’s not alive anymore, is she? Someone might as well use them.”
I give him back the gloves. “I can’t take those, Lindon. You kept them for a reason, didn’t you?”
“I suppose I did. Still, I have other things of hers, and it’s not like I’ll never see you again. If I want them back, I’ll ask.” A small smile appears on his face, and I take the gloves he presses into my hand tentatively.
“Thanks, Lin. For everything.” He nods to me, and then turns around to start putting weapons in their place. I go to help him, and we work in silence. I want to ask him to help me with the country and my crown, but I don’t speak, afraid he’ll think I’m using him. Not sure how to broach the topic, I force myself to cut to the point, trusting that Lindon will not betray me. “Do you think you’d be willing to help me take the crown?”
The mace he started to put away clatters to the ground. To my surprise, there’s a wicked smile on his face, so brilliant that I give him a small smile in response. “Tell me when and where, Ria, and I’ll do anything I can to help you, short of killing the queen.”
“You… you’re not surprised?”
He shakes his head, purple eyes glimmering with laughter. “Not at all. And I wouldn’t balk at destroying your mother.” His expression goes cold as he says, “After all, she owes me my sister’s life.”
“I am sorry for her actions, you know.”
He resumes putting the weapons away. “Don’t be. You had no say in what she did. Anyway, what do you want me to do?”
I’m confused for a moment, but then I understand what he’s talking about. “Meet me at the edge of the wood at midnight tonight.” I pick up my swords and prepare to head back to the castle.
“Ria, are you still coming here tomorrow morning?” Lindon raises an eyebrow when I laugh, excited at the prospect of spending a day doing absolutely nothing.
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Lin.” I prance off to the castle, no doubt grinning like and idiot.
End of chapter
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138,126 Literary Works • 672,075 Reviews
Yo~ Let's get straight to business.
One of the things that I've noticed is that Lindon, Alexander and Nikolas are very easily confusable. Lindon's the Unseelie Court's Prince, Nikolas is Arianna's brother, and Alexander is the Vampire Prince. I think the problem is in that none of them seem to have a unique character, aside from Nikolas, who varies from the others to a large degree--and that's completely fine, given that Lindon and Alexander haven't had much screen time. I would advise focussing on developing them further, though, fleshing them out a little more whenever you return to this draft. I think some people might have a hard time telling who is who, so carving out a distinct personality for the each of them would be a good idea early-on in the novel, after the initial introductions and stuff.
Lindon acquired a lot more voice in this chapter, and I'm very interested in this sister of his! I imagine he'd be slightly more resentful of the queen, and perhaps that would reflect in the Unseelie Court's dealings with the Seelie Court? I don't know--I'd let to get more grit on this scene, see a little more of Lindon's character. Even if it's simply Ria's opinions that are bouncing off the reader, her perception of him as a person and whatnot--I wouldn't mind seeing Lindon through her eyes.
Speaking of seeing things through Ria's eyes, I'm going to repeat what I said about incorporating some more internal narration into the mix--I don't remember if I mentioned it before? I think I did, but my memory's a sieve these days. There's a lot that's going on, and you're doing excellently with propelling the plot forward: it's gathering a nice momentum, but there are times when I'd like to slow down and simply absorb the scene, the setting, and Ria's thoughts on the people. That's the fun part of first-person--your narrator can be utterly biased and no one but the writer will be able to guess the exact extent of this bias. Exploit this power. Get into Rionach's head.
As an added note, I would like some more detail, sensory description and the like, but that's pretty much reiterating what I said in previous chapters; and this is pretty early into the novel + there have been style shifts as we enter the deep end, so I won't linger on this area of critique. I was a bit surprised at the subtle bit of character-related description with when Lindon raked a hand through his dark blue(!) hair. Neat stuff, though it did stand out a little, seeing as the secondary characters' actions and shizz aren't really probed into much; just focus on developing them at the same pace as you do with Ria. All second-draft issues. You're getting the first draft done nicely, which is all you should aim to do at this point, really. Get it all typed up; wrap up the niceties at a later date.
On technicalities! I found the beginning to be a bit detached, mostly because whoa, I was not expecting that loud a reaction from the nobles. I think, though, it's not the loudness of the reaction that surprised me as much as the fact that the very active situation was dulled down to a passive drone. (As in, I would like some masala and dialogue that actually gets the lords' anger across as opposed to the straightforward telling nature of things.) I also think that the nobility would have put two and two together by now--it's obvious that the king has been unwell, so perhaps it would be more logical for them to simply question the queen's integrity (as they've done) regarding the situation rather than flaring up at her as an automated reflex? I mean, they're adults--adults in a fantastical setting, all right, but adults ... politicians all the same. If there's gonna be yelling, then have them yell with decorum, and carry us through the nitty-gritty political stuff--because I love seeing the nitty-gritty political scenarios unfold.
Boy, is Ria's mum going to be angry. I can sense this is going to have some serious repercussions.
The last sentence (Ria?? Prancing??) seemed to be a bit out of character for Rionach, with her dignified exterior. It just doesn't fit; it fills my mind with images of a schoolgirl, and Ria is anything but.
YOU ALREADY KNOW I LIKE THIS VERY MUCHLY. Also, I'm really bad at giving the appropriate amount of praise as is required, but I'm really enjoying reading this (and I need to catch up; kick me until I catch up, okay). I love the fluid naturalness in your writing. AND OOH, A NIGHTLY RENDEZVOUS, HOW EXCITING.
My brain is tired and my caps-lock button might get stuck if I press down on it too hard again.
Keep writing! Hope this helped a smidgeon. <3
~Pomp x
Hi there!
One thing I've learned about chapter beginning is that you always want to start with as little pronouns as possible. It's more of an organizational thing I guess. At the beginning of this chapter I don't know who this 'her' is. I mean, obviously it's the queen because I just read about it in the previous chapter, but that doesn't mean I haven't forgotten also. Make sure the character's name is mentioned at least once before the pronouns start coming in.
I like the descriptions of how this chaos is effecting Ria, but I wanted to see more in the room as well. The one person who'll have the greatest reaction, I'm sure, is the queen. I wanted to see her face turn a shade pale or keep her strong face firm in order to not cause the chaos to continue. Maybe Ria could notice that before the pain sets in? After all, she's staring at her mother while she's accusing her yes? That would definitely add more tension to the situation.
I'm surprised how quickly Ria recovers from being angry at Lindon. From the description of her wanting to claw his eyes out it seems like there's much more than just anger on the surface. Then all of the sudden the anger disappears for not much of a reason. I'd understand if Lindon said or did something to calm her down, but nothing like that happens. It just seems a bit odd. He hugs her after her anger is gone. The events just seem to happen in a strange order.
Just a few nitpicks I have for this sentence:
First, 'smile' is used twice in a very close proximity. I'd cut one out, either have her smiling at him or have them smiling at each other. Otherwise there's just too much smiling
My second nitpick focuses on "both of us remembering happy memories." Since this is written in first person we're only going to know things that Ria knows. She doesn't know that Lindon is thinking of that too. She's not in his head. It's something small, but it makes a difference in the big picture.
Third, I'm pretty sure this is a run-on sentence? I mean, no one really taught us real grammar in high school so I know close to nothing xD but it does look like a run on. There's the smiling, then the camp, then the memories, then the explanation of the memories. Whew. That's a lot for one sentence. Maybe you could find some place to split it.
Your writing. Just, gah. I love it.
In your dialogue I notice a lot of times that your characters call each other by their names. It's not really a problem, but in real life conversations there aren't many times when people just say the other person's name like that. I mean, you know who you're talking to so why use the name? Just keep an eye on that. It's not consistent enough to make it repetitive and "annoying", but there's definitely more than I'd think would naturally be there. Other than that I think your dialogue is fantastic and quite realistic.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks, Noe! <3
Hi again!
I'm not sure I understand the expression 'pulls the wind from the room' so that might be one to reconsider using.Specifics
1.
2. How are the faeries fighting? I thought they swore to not harm each other and they can't tell untruths so what happens if they break their promise?
3.
4.
5. I feel like we need more details about where this sword is - hanging in a row with other swords? Leaning against the side of a tent? It's just thrown at us out of nowhere which makes the scene impossible to imagine and distracts us from your pretty description of it.
6. What's she confused about? It seems to be pretty obvious what he's saying and she had the same conversation with Arianna in the last chapter and did kind of ask this of him so it seems odd that she'd be confused even for a moment.
Overall
There's some nice character interaction in this piece and while I feel the part with the swords is a little cliche, I liked the threads of back-story relating to the gloves and Lin's sister. I think that's very gently woven in and his bitterness warms his character to me so it works well.
The latter part of this chapter in general flows smoothly but the beginning is confusing and it's not clear why Ria feels pain after making her announcement and you don't have her react to that - there's neither surprise at how quickly it ebbs away when she leaves the room or explanation. I'm guessing it's because she breaks her oath and causes harm to others indirectly but then what about those faeries who are intentionally and directly harming one another? I feel like you've skimmed over that part too quickly and we also didn't get a sense of the queen's reaction or the vampire prince. It's all kind of brushed aside in Ria's haze which feels a bit like cheating. I think we'd gain more from the chapter if we saw some consequences and more of the conflict.
Let me know if you have any questions!
~Heather
Thanks for more reviews!
Agh. That clause is only for physical harm. I should clarify....
Hey! I'm here for the Review Day to review!
No need for the last comma.
No need for comma.
I don't understand the latter part of this sentence. Perhaps you can clear that up?
First of all, I don't really like how the way everything goes prevents us from hearing what Rionach's mother is going to say. I really feel like it would be interesting what she's going to say and if the meeting still goes civilly, there would be an argument between Rionach and her mother, which means conflict and I like it.
Here, there is stll conflict but it's unfocus and scattered. Out of a sudden, some Lord throws accusations to Rionach's mother. I don't see it coming. I mean, she has only said a sentence and it causes chaos like this? Like, really? Will the Lord lose his calmness over that one sentence? Are others act impulsive like this too?
Also, Rionach's headache seems unusual with the way it's described. I don't know if some people are just like this when faced with a loud crowd or if there's something more to it. What's certain, you've spent a bit to describe her headache. Maybe there's something about the faes and them being loud.
I also totally ship Rionach and Lindon. Or her with the vampire king/prince whom I forgot his name. Anyway, good job for making this chapter eventful and interesting. I feel like Rionach's and Lindon's relationship is genuine, and would like to know where it would lead us to. Keep it up!