Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Chapter 9
I sit in an armchair, watching my father sleep fitfully. Pale, mid-morning sunlight streams through the window in the healer’s wing, reflecting off of the pitcher of honey-water beside me. Sighing, I reach over and change the cloth on my father’s forehead for a cooler one. Lindon paces back and forth, rubbing his forehead, as if to ward off a headache.
I watch him until I can’t take it anymore, and say, “Lindon, would you stop pacing? It’s not going to help anything, and you can’t do anything about Cyan’s threat!” My voice is pitched low, so only he can hear. The last thing we need is for someone to overhear and report it to the guards or the queen.
Lindon sighs, running a hand through his dark blue curls. “I know, Ria, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about you!” He falls back into the chair across from me and buries his head in his hands. In a muffled tone, he says, “You say that you’ll give him whatever he wants, but what if what he wants is your head on a stick?”
I wince. The thought has crossed my head, but I haven’t mentioned it, hoping he won’t, either. “Cyan has no reason to do that, and besides, he said he wanted to help.”
Lindon snorts. Looking up at me, he shakes his head incredulously. “And you aren’t this gullible. Lord Cyan might have no reason to want you dead, but how do you know someone else doesn’t? And he’s not fae, he can lie, you know.”
The idea of someone being able to lie so easily isn’t foreign to my mind, of course, but it is still odd to consider. Faeriekind, like me, cannot tell a direct lie, and although I have considered that Cyan might have lied, the prospect of lying is still unnatural. I must look confused, because Lindon clears his throat. “You didn’t forget that he can lie, right?”
“Of course not. It’s odd to consider, of course, but I didn’t forget.” A gust of wind blows through the open window, and I shiver. Musing aloud, I say, “The summer is almost over. I wonder what the fall will bring.”
Thunder rumbles in the distance, almost as if in response to my words, and Lindon mutters, “Nothing good, if our terrible luck continues.”
I shoot him a dark look. “Don’t tempt the Triad.” My father moans from the bed, and I hold a cup of honey-water to his lips. He swallows quickly, and then falls back into a restless sleep. Trying to keep the thoughts of my father dying out of my head, I turn to Lindon. “If you’re so worried about Cyan, why don’t you listen in?”
He sits up eagerly, his face thoughtful. “I’d like that. Where are you meeting him?”
Just as I’m about to answer, someone knocks at the door, and we both go silent. “Come in,” I call.
A healer comes in, deferentially bowing to us. “Your highnesses, I’ve come to examine his majesty. May I?” She doesn’t meet our eyes, choosing instead to look at the floor. Her hands pick at the sides of her dress, and she looks nervous.
I study her for a moment, then say, “Of course you can. We will, however be staying in the room while you treat the king.”
She bows, but a flicker of annoyance runs over her face for a second. “Very well, your highness.” When she approaches my father, hands raised to draw magic, it occurs to me to check if she’s really trying to heal him. Summoning my power, I let it pulse around me, in sync with my heart, until I can see the golden outlines of magic auras around me. When I concentrate on the healer, I see no healing magic being summoned. Instead, she collects cold into her hands, and a split second before she changes the cold into a weapon, I draw my dagger and let it fly towards her.
She screams when it impales her wrist, and turns, sending the magic meant for my father towards me. Thankfully, Lindon tackles her, causing the magic to go astray and freeze one of the curtains, and I call for the guards. Briefly, I wonder if I would have been able to move quickly enough to get out of the way or summon a shield. Before I have much time to think, guards run into the room and escort the would-be assassin out of the room. Lindon and I go with them to the dungeons, where we explain to Captain Wyrnson what happened. After he hears our story, he assures us that security will be improved.
“We’ll take care of this. Princess Rionach, a few extra guards will be assigned to you and the queen.” Rubbing his jaw where stubble is forming, he shouts orders, and with a bow, leaves our presence with a worried look on his face.
Lindon and I walk back up the stairs in silence. In silent agreement, we walk all the way to my rooms. I open the door and let him walk in before me. A scullery maid scrubs the tiles, her skirt stained with soot and lye. Blushing, she stands up, curtseying, and murmurs an apology. I dismiss her with a flick of my wrist before dismissing all my ladies-in-waiting and checking all the rooms for unwanted listeners. Finding no one, I return to Lindon, I pull him out onto the balcony that overlooks the herb gardens. A brazier crackles merrily at one end. The bite of cold air at the skin of my neck reminds me that the fall months approach quickly.
As soon as I shut the door, Lindon hisses, slamming his fist into the wall. Glaring at him, I hurry to the railing and look around, hoping that no one saw him.
"Really, are you so incapable of restraining yourself for even one minute?" My voice is as cold as the Tierne River.
His hands are curled into fists at his sides, knuckles white. His lip is curled, and when he speaks, his voice shakes from anger. "Are you still set on believing that that bastard vampire doesn't wish to harm you?"
I take a deep breath before replying, trying and failing to calm myself. "Use your head, Lindon! Cyan knew that my father was dying. What reason could he have to send an assassin?"
When Lindon replies, it is in a shout of anger. "I don't know! You should have thought through your bloody plan before you took such risks!" His voice is loud, and out of the corner of my eye, I see a maid walk past, dutifully keeping her head down, but I know she's heard.
Deliberately, I strip my dragonhide glove off and bring my palm down on Lindon's face. A resounding crack is heard, and as I shake the sting out of my palm and lace the gloves back up, Lindon touches his cheek where a red mark is slowly appearing. "Lindon Conal Alister Raeveclann, you are a prince of fae and you will act like it." I glare at him, seething with rage.
When he meets my eyes again, his eyes are distant. "I never thought you'd change so much, Ria." Shaking his head slowly, he slips out the door. For a moment, I stand there dumbly, but I shake myself free of the lethargy and go after him, muttering curses as I walk. Still, when I open the door to the corridor, he is nowhere to be seen, and I sigh in defeat, making a mental note to find him later.
End of chapter
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140,373 Literary Works • 673,126 Reviews
Yo, back again.
Again, not much to add here that hasn't been said already. Your writing's acquired a fluidity and the voice is strong--the only actual complaint I have is the sparseness (a side-effect of LMS, but I'm sure you'll work the details in somehow).
I think the pacing was a bit too fast in this chapter; I couldn't fully connect to the terseness of the situation and that's not good, because this was a pretty intense scene. Attempted assassinations are never pretty. Also, how could Ria immediately tell that the girl was a 'healer'? Was it because of her uniform or something?
I'd like to know more about the king's condition--I remember, somewhere in the chapters nearer to the beginning, that the smell of 'rotting flesh' was mentioned, but over here, he's simply drifting in and out of consciousness? It's great that we know what the poison--gr'iatth--is, where it came from, and how it works, but I still haven't understood how the poison is affecting the king. In the physical sense, that is. On that note, I wouldn't mind getting a more comprehensive look at Ria's relationship with her father, and her mother. There's also been a huge gap in the mention of certain characters, like her sister, Isi, and Guinevere, who hasn't been seen since the last council meeting. Nikolas's poofed, too, and I think this might be a case of too-many-characters-to-handle (it's something that I've struggled with often enough, myself). I like how Lindon is developing as a character. And Arianna. Wyrnson is someone I'd like to get to know better, too.
So far, plotwise, this is going really well. Character-development is something that still needs work, at this stage, but I'm keen on seeing how you work it through in later chapters. I think the main issue that needs working on is the fact that a lot is going on, but it's really hard for me, as a reader, to see the consequences of what should happen if the king dies, or Ria's mum becomes the queen. It's hard to feel thrilled or worried when you don't know what you ought to be worried about; Ria's mum didn't strike me as evil, particularly, so I'd like to have something to support the view that her reign would honestly be terrible. I'd like a better view of the socio-economic situation, a stronger handle on how everything works--just so I can empathise better with how one misstep could cause Rionach to lose everything.
Keep writing! Keep it up!
Sorry for what must have been a totally unhelpful review. >.>
~Pomp x
You know, it has been a while since I gave you a review. So here goes! I'm going to stick to my standard "commentary as I read" thing, so you know how it all goes.
Let's do this!
Nice imagery here. Maybe you could add in some inner thoughts of the MC, but it is perfectly fine without any.
Who is the "him" she's watching? Lindon or her father? Also, instead of using the word "say" you could use "whisper" or "hiss" to imply the low pitch, so that you don't have to present that later. I didn't read it as if she were saying it softly, and it seems important to get accross early because of it's critical nature (what with the whole risk of being overheard and reported).
I don't think you need a comma between "muffled tone" and "he says," but I am certainly no master of grammar or punctuation. It just kinda looks weird.
"Won't" probably shoud be "wouldn't" here. "Hoping he wouldn't, either."
Oh, yeah, I had completely forgotten the whole fae-can't-lie thing. That would really make it tough to be a fae noble, huh? Having a natural dispostion to just trust everyone would make you easy to manipulate. You might play on that later.
Oh. Speak of the devil. You address it right here. Nice. See, this is why I do the reveiw-as-I-go approach.
You could mention the wind beeing chilly, but it might be redundant. Maybe play with a description of the wind just a bit, to explain why it might make her shiver.
Is that foreshadowing I sense?
Exaclty how bad is the father? Can he hear them? Does he know what's wrong with him? If you explained this earlier I forgot, sorry. :/
I don't think you should use the phrase "I'd like that." It seems too informal. No, that's not the word... lighthearted. Use something that reflects his thoughtfulness.
"Go" might sound better as "fall." "We both fall silent." It keeps wtih the overall tone a bit more.
There is something wrong with the word "deferentially." Is it something else misspelled, because it seems like you might've meant "differentially," yet that doesn't quite make sense in context. What is the meaning you want behind it?
This bit is ok.
She has a lot of gall to try to kill him right in front of them, disguised magic or no.
"Go with" might sound better as "follow." "Follow them to the dungeons."
This dialogue is fine.
I think "curtseaying" should be "curtseys" for the sake of parallel writing. It flows smoother. Here we go, this is what I meant about the wind. You tell us the reason the air reminds her fall is coming is because it's cold. That's great.
Hisses? Ok...
What's wrong with that? I guess I'll find out.
Is it just me, or does it feel like he's sort of changing the subject? I guess her question was rhetorical, but still. I fail to see why an assassination attempt on her father means that a vampire is trying to kill her.
Wait, now I'm all confused. I think I need to reread some earlier chapters.
Uh oh, that maid is gonna cause trouble.
Ohmygosh your awesome names. DKJhflakjsdhLKJgalkJFH
You might mention why she stood there dumbly. Was she not expecting him to talk to her that way? Was it what he said? Food for thought.
All in all, another good addition. I find myself needing to stop and remind myself of what has happened in previous chapters, but I blame that on the time between them.
There are times I'd like to see more that just the subtle, layered intrigue of court dealings and some full on fight scenes or love interests. Maybe that will come later, but right now it is just barely starting to grow ever so slightly dull. I don't know if that's just my male brain being wired weird or what, but I'm telling how it is. You still have my attention though. I want to know what happens next, and that's the most important element of a novel, especially one like this.
Love the setting and thought you put into this. Can't wait for more.
Keep up the good work!
~Q
Hey, I'm here to give you an awesome review!
This is just me wearing my shipping google, of course. xD
Okay, I'm tired on making suggestions, so I'll take a rest today and continue to plot, characters, and settings, three main aspects in a novel.
First, the plot. Here we are given the state Rionach's father is in, and it sounds pretty serious. But as we read further, another event shock us - apparently, the healer supposedly to heal him turns out to be an assassin-wannabe and try to kill him. Rionach is very lucky to be cautious all the time then and activate her magic sensing or whatever she gets in her sleeve. This event just elevates the danger his father is having, and it makes everything more intense.
In terms of characters, I would say Rionach slapping Lindon to be a bit out of character. I mean, after all that has done she has managed to remain calm and poised, and just because Lindon speaks too loud, she slaps him? Like, I don't expect her to do that. She can do something about it but not as extreme as slapping him.
About Lindon, I think he's too overprotective over Rionach as a friend. I think he has a feeling for her.
About settings, I love the introduction line you have there, it really sets the place for us in an artistic way. However, I would like to read more. Perhaps bring in details on Rionach's father's features so that we can see how he is ill and need immediate treatment. It would make things more serious and set the stakes higher. I also think that the place needs more descriptions too.
All in all, good job for coming this far! Keep it up!